Content or Burdened?

 A humble spirit does not ask for more than it  needs, and what it needs the Universe provides. A humble spirit is content with the fulfillment of its authentic needs,and is not burdened with artificial needs. page 216

Gary Zukav

I am thinking about humility. I know at the core  I  am a humble spirit,...we all are. Self doesn't need pride, redemption, or anthing of that nature.

But ego does. 

Spirit is humble, ego isn't.  Ego still lingers around in most of us. I know it is still a part of this human experience. It is partly repsonsible for my  coming here, and for the publishing of the videos I create. It is constantly looking for a distraction away from reality.  Though it was never expected by anyone, I am sure...it found a bit of both distraction and redemption and it is running with it. Ego has thusly developed a need to check to see how many people read these entries everyday, according to the Stats page. It also checks how many views the videos I put up have and then there are the shorts.

Ego and the Shorts 

Ego likes those video shorts, I am discovering. I resisted doing them for fear I would be feeding Shamer ego by shoving them in people's faces and making a fool of myself. After much encouragment, however, I decided to try it. Was not sure, in the beginning, if it was ego or Soul hoping to gain by that decision. Now, I am discovering it is Redeemer Ego who is gaining. The shorts kind of redeem this me from its shame of obscurity...if only slightly. They offer a more immediate ego gratification and the nubers are generally larger, stroking ego more intently.  I watch the puffed up ego in action as I do what I do here.

The purpose for coming here was not supposed to be about the ego. From the very beginning, there was a deeper motivation guiding me to the page and then to the videos. I felt this compulsion to express and share what I was learning. It seemed like the "spiritual thing" to do. Ego did not seem to want anything to do with this, in the beginning.  It wanted me hiding under a rock somewhere protecting it and the body...protecting this image it told  me I  must maintain to ensure that I staid in the pack.  The content was too woo-woo, making it feel more vulnerable, and ptting us at risk for expulsion from the pack. 

This Human's Idea of Success

Still...it got something from this process when I went ahead anway. Shamer ego, once it realized it was not going to get tomatos thrown at it from a heckling crowd, had to step aside for Redeemer, who now kind of liked being "out there"thinking it could, maybe, get something from this mission.  It didn't like that I insisted on putting up the very imperfect stuff I created...but it liked it when the numbers climbed for whatever reason they climbed. (You have to understand that to me anything in the three digits is a big number...much more than expected. So my idea of Youtube success is much different than it would be for others lol. I always think of how many people can fit in a classroom or lecture hall. If seats are full and I don't have everyone getting up at once to go to the "lie-brary", never to return...that's success.) 

Ego started to want more and more views (even if there was no way to determine if they were authentic views). Though I never ask anyone to subscribe, it wanted  more subscribers, more likes. That is partly why I suddenly agreed with the external advice offered and I began to do the shorts.  And then someone mentioned..."You could actually start making money doing this, you know? If you spruced up your videos, got better equipment...combed your hair...maybe you could get something for this. "  

Ego jumped up in anticipation, "What?? We could get money for doing this silly stuff? We could actually get out of this hole by doing this. And we could be recognized in some way, offering us another coat of personality redemption to wear. Sweet!? I am in."

It was then that I realized I was losing my humility, straying away from purpose, beginning to want what I didn't need...again. I knew where this could take me. It certainly didn't take the sometimes negative consequences of instant fame and riches to get me to that realization (what I was getting was nowhere near rich and famous lol...just a few extra views.) but there it was.  

Anything wrong with wanting succes?

Don't get me wrong...there is nothing wrong with making money and gaining acclaim for what you do, especially if it comes from the heart. Accept such a gift if the Universe sends it your way. By all means. Embrace and enjoy it ....as long as... the desire to satisfy superificial needs doesn't become your purpose for doing what you do, and as long as you do not get too attached to the superficial outcomes. 

Not Ready for such Outcomes?

Noticing how excited Redeemer ego was getting over this very slim possibility showed me I was not ready for such outcomes.  Monetization and recognition are very superficial needs for this human, even if they would be greatly appreciated and beneficial fruits of action in this lifetime. (In other words it would be sweet!")  I know, though, they would feed this ego too much, making it stronger than I want it to be, possibly making it once again the driving force of this Life. It would be a problem for this human who had learned the hard way what Life could be like when Ego is in control. I had finally wisened up to Ego and had learned to see that if I let it, it would take me on one nasty Roller Coaster ride after the other. It would not take me to where I needed to be. 

I imagined Soul/Spirit/Self standing in the background watching this human and saying something to the effect,  "Stop asking for more than what is needed.  It's not about the numbers, the likes or monetizing.  It is simply a means for this human to express her authentic need to share what she is learning. It is not about burdening the Self with more superficial needs. It is about growing away from them. That ego needs to be put down!"

Put the ego down?

I find self chastising self whenever I see how I allowed ego to run off on its rampages of desire and aversion.  That isn't the answer either. There is a reason why ego is still around wanting what it wants...I have to have compassion for that. I don't have to listen and follow its directions...but I need to allow this ego to be an ego...a seeking , craving, resisting ego.  My role is not to "stop it" or "put it down!" My  role is to notice it, understand it, and do what Spirit wants me to do over what it wants me to do. 

To be honest, I am not sure if that is Self talking or another aspect of  ego...the spirital ego possibly... who wants to appear completly altruistic and evolved.  I don't know. I just know that Ego is still lingering around and though I do not have to resist in fear what it suggests I do...I do have to question it and seek clarification for my next move from a higher Self. 

I want to foster and nurture humility throughout this Life experience and trust that the Universe will give this human exactly what is needed for her growth. What about you? Are you seeking to fulfill your authentic or your superficial needs? 

All is well. 

Gary Zukav (1989/2014) The Seat of the Soul. New York: Simon and Schuster