You took birth on Earth to evolve...are you working with evolution or against it?
Michael A. Singer
In the midst of a very challenging situation (one, like I said, amongst many) I felt the snipping of a tether recently ...followed by this amazing clarity.
Just when I was getting so overwhelmed ...so at the verge of "losing it!" and questioning out loud why people were doing what they were doing...I felt this sudden need to relax into what is. When I did, something amazing happened. I could suddenly see the patterns of human behaviour occurring in me and around me...I could see and understand why certain people who seemed to be stirring up this drama we were all unwillingly assigned roles in, roles that did not fit, were doing what they were doing now and in the past. I could see the personality at work in myself and others. I could especially see it in someone I knew for years and whom I always felt guilty, less than, and ashamed around for some reason. Most importantly, I could see, thanks to this experience, that I was carrying around a deeply rooted conditioned belief in my imperfect self; a belief that said that I did nothing but hurt this person in the past and that they in their superior and more moral, as well as much more intelligent state, were kind enough to forgive me and tolerate my presence on this Earth. For 45 years I had that in me!
When my imperfect loved one ...whom the drama is being created around...first entered that family dynamic I feared for some strange reason that both of our human imperfections would be placed under the microscope. I encouraged my child so strongly to " be good". They weren't always good. They instead made mistakes, some of them big and this person from my past in their superior moral development, I believed, was forgiving and tolerant as any martyr should be. That was before I began seeing the transference of that same core belief I had in me, in my loved one. And then with this incident I could see so clearly why my loved one thought that way...what this belief was doing to them. Though my loved one is 100% responsible for anything they did that was self or other destructive, that was dishonest or unkind (and they did not handle this well with kindness and honesty), I began to see, especially with a bizarre incident that happened a few years ago, how the relationship and the family situation they found themself in was so toxic. I my loved one then, "You need to get out of this relationship, away from this toxicity, but you need to do it with honesty and kindness". Years later; it did not end with honesty and kindness but they are out!
Despite the way the ending of it was done...which they will remain responsible for... I see how much lighter my loved one is to be out of it and away from these personalities, even with all this chaos going on now over custody. My loved one is seriously changing their life around. Though the other human beings involved are by no means responsible for anything my loved one brought into the relationship and what they said, did, or put out there while they were in it - and my loved one screwed up big time more than once- the belief that was insidiously absorbed would have swallowed them alive if they didn't get out. So, this was an ending that was needed for everyone's sake.
I did not see the toxicity right away and blamed my loved one for making another big mistake that threw us under this judging microscope once again...I did not make the connection right away between that belief in them and the one in me. I did not connect the pieces to find the common denominator. Most importantly, I did not clearly see the samskara with all its tentacles that I had stuffed within me and therefore I did not see through all the pain and confusion of this very challenging situation the gift the universe was giving me to free myself of it. That is until the other day when I expressed that I no longer wanted to communicate with that person from my past. Something lifted.
Throughout the mixture of intense emotions that followed: confusion, guilt, shame, anger, blame, resentment, frustration (I was being pulled up one emotion at a time to acceptance and then peace), it was like this belief was suddenly lit up inside me. I could see it all so clearly. I could see how much I suffered because of it...how much I tried to deny it. I could see how I was not being honest with myself or others over the years, always trying harder than I had to do to make things alright in that family dynamic, scolding my loved one for not being better in their eyes, and how I, and my entire family actually, always walked away from their family gatherings feeling less than. I could see how the present situation - the unfair way this person from my past was trying to turn my loved one into a villain by creating story so they could not only control custody but control how this situation appeared to society, how they appeared to society... was activating my samskara. When I stopped resisting what was happening and just observed it...the samskara came up to the surface and was released. My 45 year-old samskara was released!!! I felt so light and so peaceful! It was amazing!
Then the way I looked at this person changed so much. I went from a perspective of thinking she was so much better than me, to thinking she was so much nastier, controlling and more manipulative than me, to just seeing a person hurting, doing what she can to get by using her unhealthy coping mechanisms...I could see a human being, no better than me, no worse than me...just another 'me'....needing to create stories of villains and victims so they could resume a self-protective role as martyr and rescuer. I could see how this habit tendency of manipulating the world in such a way was always being done so that this one individual didn't have to look in at their own pain...so that they didn't have to accept reality. If they were on a mission to save someone, they could prove to themselves and others how sacrificing they were...and once again how moral, how wise, how giving they were. They would establish a false sense of control over the world around them. Without that protection of a martyr's self image to cling to, where would they be in all the pain they were going through?
I feel the pain of all involved I do. Like I literally feel the pain of my loved one's ex-partner. It's palpable. Though, I knew my loved one was only responsible for so much of it...I could see clearly how what was done was triggering old samskaras and stirring them up. The sense of abandonment would be crushing! I could see and feel how the thought of no longer having full control over the parenting situation, as a shared custody would entail, would increase that pain ten-fold. I could see and feel that. I wanted so hard to assist in any way I could to ease that pain. I was trying to support but then the family stepped too far over the line that was comfortable. They didn't just step on my puny little ego's toes they stepped right in front of my center and my center encouraged me to use this as a way to grow and evolve. When I said, "Yes! I will." ...a deeply entrenched samskara lifted. It was amazing.
Don't get me wrong...this human that I call "me" is still around reacting...still feeling bouts of intense anger and resentment over this...still feeling guilt at times (so conditioned)...still feeling confusion...I have work left to do...but for the most part I feel so much lighter, so much clearer and so much more peaceful. I am so grateful for this experience and for these people and all they are doing for taking me here.
I am not sure how this situation will turn out but I have faith that it will turn out the way it is meant to: "May Thy will, not my will be done!"
Ironically, I listened to Michael A Singer say the following today in a podcast (maybe not in these exact words but listen for yourself). It left me thinking, "Yeah, there is some divine order here, isn't there? Even in apparent challenge, injustice, and chaos there is some type of order being worked out. Man, this is so cool!"
If every single thing is exactly the way you want it to be you are stagnant.
We need to learn to assist evolution not resist it...to peacefully say and mean it, "Not my will but Thy will be done."
There is no growth without change.
Helping evolution is about being more conscious....
Self can handle this stuff the human is going through...and the self that this human too often sees itself as can handle it too...as long as it seeks to go where Self is before dissolving into it.
When you can accept reality, you become a servant of reality....
All is well!
Michael A. Singer ( October, 2024) The Power of Acceptance: Evolving Beyond the Ego. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SZY51ONgpQ&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=4
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