Life is like a movie. Write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.
Jim Hensen
I had an "aha" moment today in the examination of what goes on in my mind related to the stories we tell ourselves so ego can play a part. I am often lost in character as a tragic heroine, playing a victim's role well enough to fool anyone, including myself. I seen so clearly today, however, that "victim to life's challenges" is just a role many of us become so attached to, but it is not who we really are. The dramas we star in are often just ever changing mind-made creations. Accepting script changes that may force us out of character can be painful but it is very necessary in order for us to heal from our delusions ..so we can connect to who we really are.
No Drama Afterall
Let me begin by saying, I do not have glaucoma...as of yet anyway. I am at a risk because of a thin cornea and family history but as of now...no glaucoma. Just some cataracts and a dry eye which is believed to be causing the pressure and impaired vision I get in my left eye in the morning. (That and the floaters). Hmm!
The Movie I was Starring In
The ophthalmologist noticed something in the summer that warranted further testing to rule Glaucoma out. For months and months, previous to the "rule out Glaucoma" thing, I was concerned that my retina might be detaching (family history of that) because of the increasing pressure I was getting, as well as the flashing lights and big blobby floaters that kept getting worse. Even though the optometrist seen no tears on examination last spring and assured me it was just a vitreous detachment( a fairly common and benign condition), concerned about my vison I asked my doctor to refer me to an eye specialist. And on examination she, the ophthalmologist, said there was absolutely no retinal tears and confirmed the other diagnosis of a posterior vitreous detachment. She did, however, incidentally notice a fair degree of cupping and decided to test me farther for Glaucoma. When I left her office last summer, however, the possibility of having Glaucoma was not the focus of my attention. My shame was.
Shame: A Change in the Story Line and the Loss of A Starring Role
I was more embarrassed then anything that I did not have what I thought I might have, a retinal detachment. That the pressure, flashing lights and floaters were absolutely nothing and I was making way too much of it. I was ashamed that I did not trust the optometrist's opinion enough to leave it at that and instead probably wasted this much- in -demand -doctor's precious time and energy for nothing more than a neurotic concern. The shame was a bit too much.
I was also regretfully embarrassed that I was subliminally focusing on my eye so much for months, wondering if I was going to lose my vision in it ( Even though I was acting all cool and in control, like 'oh that is the least of my problems' ). You see, I had added this life circumstance: "Oh, on top of everything else, I may be losing my vision in one eye" to the plot and story line of the movie I was starring in called, "Oh Wo Is Me. This is "My" Life". In the movie, the tragic heroine had so many bigger issues to deal with that the eye issue was played as being something that was of secondary concern , and she so cooly pushes it aside, thus amplifying her victim struggle and making her appear even more so the heroine she was playing. It was shocking to realize that I was really attached to my role and to the story line.
Then when I was told in the summer that there was no retinal detachment...I heard the not so nice director inside my head yell, "Cut!". I was called out of character pretty fast and it was like a thunk and a bump to my ego's need to be starring in this role. Though I gained a certain amount of relief, I also felt like I lost something. The eye problem had become a part of the movie's plot line. I was playing it well. Without it, my character's victim status was going to be diminished. and then we had to add all that shame and embarrassment in there about being so neurotic and not so "cool" ...not fun.
Revamping the Script; Revamping the Role
So the script writing part of my mind, being as clever and resourceful , as it is and in its determination that I become the best tragic heroine ever, has an "Aha!" moment. It decides to add that very subtle, "It may be Glaucoma" to the script and to build it up. So before I know it, hours after my embarrassing call to come out of character, I am back on set as this tragic heroine with the eye issue. She is now someone who might have Glaucoma (instead of someone who might have a retinal detachment) but doesn't have time to focus too much on it because she is too busy dealing with more important things and caring selflessly for others. We didn't have to write the "Oh, and on top of everything else, I may be losing my vision in one eye" out of the script after all. I could still play the part well. I became attached to it again. Though it was played as a secondary issue in the story...there was this creative build up of suspense as the character waited for this appointment that would determine the future of her vision. The music was building up and building up in tempo ...everything was taking us to this moment...and then "No Glaucoma." was like the sound of screeching brakes. The audience is left with a "What the Fork?" let down and I am pulled out of character once again, landing with a thunk on my backside.
Without the Story; Without the Role
I stumble around confused and nervous with a "Who am I without this role I was so identified with for months? Who am I without the drama of another challenging life event? " It wasn't the nicest storyline for any character to live through in a movie but it was "my" story line and it was something I could play well. I was so committed to my role, lost in it, and when the story line gets changed or I am asked to come out of character I feel lost. Sure I feel relieved but I also feel so naked without the costume and the story. Man. how cra-cra is that lol?
This is a very common human tendency, is it not? To get lost in story, to get lost in a role? I mean the movies we create in our minds, do not have to be as tragic as the ones I create in my mind. lol I realize , after today, just how negative I have been. Without meaning to, I have been focusing on creating a dark and challenging scene and atmosphere, blurring or cutting out all the beautiful, wonderful things. Because of past parts I played in dark movies, I too often see the worse case outcomes as the climax of my life story. Man. Other people create the story lines for comedies, romance, fantasy, epic dramas and horror movies etc. So many options but I choose those dramas where I can play tragic heroine because, I guess, my mind tells me it is the easiest one for me to play. It is where I had the most practice and experience. Crap! That's dark. How did I get so dark in the writing of my own life story? I much prefer comedy and I can be funny and see the humour in almost everything when I am not so stuck on playing the victim. I could turn this around and write one good comedy about how I, a comic hero, blows everything out of proportion and thinks the worse lol...maybe I will.
Anyway, as I was driving home...completely free of costume and make-up, I felt so vulnerable, so raw and so real. It was scary being this exposed, without a role or a script to hide behind, but at the same time it felt freeing to realize that the movie wasn't real and either was my part. I heard myself saying. "Yes! This feeling, though uncomfortable, is good. This is where I want to be, outside the drama, not in it." There is something healing in that.
We need to step out of our dramas and our roles more often even when it is uncomfortable to do so.
All is well.
