Eventually, you begin to realize that the outside world and the flow of inner emotions come and go. But you, the only one who experiences these things, remain consciously aware of whatever passes before you.
Michael Singer, the untethered soul, pg 26
I am thinking...when really my goal is to transcend thinking. The timeless observer in me...is watching me and the world around me, move about through 'mental concepts'. I am aware.
An Uncomfortable Mind
My mind is uncomfortable with some of those perceptions, judgments, emotions and thoughts that are made as a result of what I am seeing and sensing. My ( the 'little me's) natural inclination is to do something about it, to right the perceived wrong...to act/react whether it be rationalize, dramatize, run, hide, numb or put great effort into fixing what is perceived broken...all because I feel uncomfortable in my mind. It gets mentally messy until some form of pseudo balance is restored.
The whole while, I am aware, that the timeless observer is sitting back, quietly watching life unfold in front of me and observing, without judgment, the little me's response/reaction to it. It has no problem with any of it. It just watches so peacefully detached. Sigh.
Crazy lady...what the front door are you talking about?
My Observation of Addiction
The outside world, emotions and thoughts are passing through again. I am observing what appears to be the re-emergence of dangerous addictive behaviour in another who I was hoping finally "got it!" This individual came this close to death twice and I saw that as an opportunity for him to see clearly and make better choices. I sadly realize that that what I saw in my "fairly clear" Self was not what he saw in his unconscious one.
I am not surprised...I mean, I do understand addiction and understand this young man's addiction in particular ( to a very limited degree). Truth is, he never made the conscious decision to quit...life just threw some pretty drastic circumstances at him in hope that he would.
Inability to Pay Attention in the Classroom
Life may have provided a wonderful lesson from its greatest teacher (death) but the student, unfortunately, was not ready to listen. He didn't "get it." He was too busy complaining about everything the "enforced" learning environment provided from how loud and in the face the teacher was to how uncomfortable the seats were ...to "hear". He was antsy and fidgety like a hyperactive kid and couldn't sit still and be in the "here and now". The addiction was more powerful, the restlessness too intense, and he was too unconscious to even realize that what he was given was a gift. So instead of being gratefully present with his mind and books wide open to recovery...he acted up and kept waiting for the bell to ring so he could go back to where he was before. The bell may not have rung but he is sneaking out and away from the learning anyway.
My heart breaks to see him give up on such wonderful learning and to see such a wonderful opportunity for Life offered by Life wasted. Addiction certainly makes people pathologically unconscious and that is so sad.
Observing with mind and Self
I observe this outwardly experience, both with my mind and with the Self. My mind shouts, "Do something! Fix this. Control him and his behaviour in anyway you can. Step up. Talk to people. Get him in somewhere. Force him to go to meetings, to tow the line and make better choices . Fight this. Own it to some degree. Or at least make others think that you are doing something!!! Make this "your" problem."
The Self whispers, "It is what it is. This is not yours. It is all his. Stay loving. Be compassionate. Express yourself honestly without any intention to manipulate, control or hurt. Control only what you have power over...your mind and your life. Set healthy limits. And then....Step back and allow Life to unfold. It knows what it is doing. This is not a battle for your ego. This is his...between him and Life."
I choose to listen to Self. As soon as I make that choice I feel peace, a letting go of that which I never had....power over him or his addiction.
The Reality of Addiction
There was a time in my life where I thought I could get addicts to stop using, that I could control, fix and sustain their recovery with my actions. I remember getting so upset with others when they talked about surrendering to addiction or when they told me that the loved ones problem wasn't mine and I had to step back! I didn't get that until now.
When I get cocky like that, I remember this axiom I heard once that stuck with me, "Help is the sunny side of control." I was not helping in those past situations. I was controlling from a state of grandiosity. I was owning what was never mine to own. I was giving ego something to work on and fix. I was not listening to my true Self. I know better now. Or at least I hope I do.
I am not responsible for another's addiction. "I didn't break it and I can't fix it."
So I lovingly let go. I go from understanding this with my limited mind and to accepting it with an open heart.
Observing even these most difficult challenges from the perspective of "the real you" is healing. It creates a totally different experience when the timeless observer is in charge.
All is well.
References
Singer, Michael ( 2007) the untethered soul. Oakland: New Harbinger
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