Guru Ego

Don't wait for your guru.  Your Life is your guru.
-Krishna Das

A Big Blob of Thinking

I am going to change gears here because I have something on my mind.  I have a big blob of thinking that my mind so discriminately labelled "Guru Ego". It  is bumping around inside me blocking other things from coming through so I just want to cough it up here on the page as if it were some big fur ball.  (Man...nursing and pet owner experience certainly lead to some eloquent descriptions, don't they? lol)

The Story

Last night I watched the Netflix documentary entitled, Enlighten us, about the up and coming motivational speaker James Arthur Ray.  In 2009, Ray lead a retreat where three people died in a sweat lodge incident. He was charged with negligent homicide and sentenced to two years in prison.  He subsequently lost his  large following and  the billions of dollars he had earned during his time as a self-help icon.

I am not judging the incident nor am I judging him (or at least I hope I am not).  What got me after watching that documentary was this gnawing feeling I couldn't really figure out, the same kind of feeling I get when I watch shows about cults. 

Questioning

Questions and doubts start floating around in my head. How easy it is for people who are seeking freedom from some kind of suffering to lose themselves in some Guru they selected as a guide.  How easy it is for a Guru to lose themselves in their egos and these delusions of Grandeur that arise from being "followed" by many. The gnawing feeling comes when I slip the "I", the "me" and the "mine" into that ball of thought.

What is the  self-help movement?  I have been a part of it since I first read Norman Vincent Peale when I was 18.  Is it a cult or cult like? Am I lost in it?

Am I like those followers, desperately seeking something from others and losing my Self in the process?  Could that happen to "me"?  Is my experience potentially similar? Are the people I learn from "my gurus"?

Even more gnaw-producing are the questions: Am I like him?  Wanting to help but getting lost as ego blows up out of control (of course I do not have the following lol)?  Am I more in love with the idea of "helping" and being known as a "helper", than I am about helping? Am I erroneously assuming that I have the power to "help" all others when I cannot help myself?  Am I forgetting that "helping" others is also a form of control and dis empowerment of others?

Do I actually want people to follow me?

 Is my being here actually all about me...as reflected by the constant repetitive use of "I", "me' or "mine"?  Am I more concerned about what has happened or can happen to "me' than I am about how what I say and do or don't say and do in this role has or can impact the lives of others?

Am I more concerned about striving, doing, "getting there" than I am about what I can give in each moment? Will a billion dollars be enough for me or will I do whatever I can to get more?  Would I  feel great loss of self if I did get it and lost it, or if I wasn't able to get back easily to that level of living again?

Wow!  It left me feeling this knot which I am happy to report is easing as I write this.

Don't Know; Don't Want to Judge but I am

I am not sure what happened.  I don't know this man other than the snippet I seen of him on The Secret and on Oprah...but I don't know him.  I am sure his intentions started out well and I am sure he had some ego motivation from the beginning, as well, as most of us do. I really seen Ego at play throughout the documentary.  I am also sure that he didn't want anyone to be hurt despite his obvious need to protect his ego and his "little self".

Why did he get into that business in the first place? I don't know but I sense he had a need to compensate for some sense of inadequacy he experienced as a child...and that lead maybe to a need to overcompensate.  He was admittedly a "striver", a "doer" and a super-achiever. Redeemer ego can be pretty persistent. I could tell how hungry he was from how he talked to potential clients.

 It would also  be hard for a psyche to adjust to the "extremes" ...feeling very low and ashamed of self...to being redeemed to what he referred to at a "saviour" level. Pendulum swinging too far in each direction.  Ego would inflate and one would lose sense of the True Self, a sense of the truth. The mind would lose perspective maybe...and I sensed that when he spoke about the incident, "My Life changed in fifteen minutes".  There was no mention in that snippet that the life of three people changed permanently in that 15 minutes as well....which was the bigger issue 

The fact that he went back to his motel room because he "had a hard week" and subsequently left people who were literally dying, wreaked of narcissism. And I thought instantly that this man had or has a personality disorder. Later when asked why he thought the  incident happened...he proceeded to say that it was to challenge him.  ( Three people die to challenge him?)  He really couldn't see the bigger picture, beyond himself, and became a victim in his mind rather than someone at least partially responsible for a tragic incident. Well, that is how it appeared from the documentary.

This  all sounds like judgment and assumption.  I suppose it is. I would  say he was not  "centered' from the documentary but maybe he is in real life. How would I know?  And who am I to know anyway?

Disenchanted and Confused

What I am trying to say is...this documentary left me a little disenchanted with the self help movement and with myself for buying into it and for trying to sell myself in it. If that is what I am doing.

I am going to have to look at my motivation for being here again.  Do some self reflection.  I know this gnawing feeling came for a reason.  It wants me to take a look inside and to make sure that I am here for Spirit not ego.

How I want to "Help" others help themselves

I am a little weary of the term "help" especially after watching this video. I do want to do what I can so others can help themselves. Unlike the person in question, I feel compelled to stay in the background and offer what I can from here.  I am glad I have little readership.

 Ego will still jump in and demand more but I am learning to shut ego out.  I am more than content with my numbers even when they are not adequately reflected on the stats page.  I know I have so called "followers" but I am glad my site does not let me know I do. (It constantly says "0" followers which is great at keeping my ego quiet.)

I hate the term "follower" anyway.  I prefer the word reader and fellow learner to follower because I know I am no expert, just a student like many of you.  My motivation is quite selfish...I want to learn and I learn through teaching.  I really don't want to be famous.  (Which is a good thing because I will never be lol).  I don't want to deal with ego at that level. I want Spirit to stay in charge.  :)

That being said....I know that... neither I, nor any of us, are beyond having our egos and personalities take over.  We have to be careful whenever we attempt to teach anyone anything. Without judging or condemning the people involved, we can all learn from this terrible tragedy and re-motivate ourselves at the spiritual level. We need to know that teaching, in whatever form it takes, is never about "me" but "all".

All is well.