Stop Protecting the Unwanted

No matter what events take place in life, it is always better to let go rather than close.
Michael singer

So I am on this kick about opening the heart and freeing it from the blockages that keep us from experiencing life in the full and joyful way we are meant to.  I am rereading the untethered soul by Michael Singer, The Yoga sutras of Patanjali and felt compelled yesterday to buy and start reading Charge and the Energy Body by Anodea Justice.

Wow!  So much learning that specifically applies to my own personal experience and the experience of so many others. I think this learning came to me when it did  because I am finally  willing to stop suffering.  I am willing to stop closing.  I am willing to open up to the energy that is in all of us.

Sensitive Thorns

I have a lot of blockages, a lot of sensitivities and a lot of "thorns" inside me that have to be dealt with.  Maybe you have some too? The blockages keep getting triggered because they are so "sensitive" and they keep bumping up against each other creating more mental suffering than is necessary.  Someone says something to us in a critical tone and childhood pain that was  stuffed so deeply inside  comes up.  We  don't like that so we go out of our  way to avoid criticism. We put great effort into deciding who is safe to be around and who isn't. We  hide the  real self away from those we think will judge us.  We work on creating a persona that is perfect...that has nothing in it that can be criticized by anyone.  We spend our whole life's avoiding criticism because it triggers us. How unrealistic and draining is that?

Preventing the Sting

I realize I have spent most of my life wasting valuable and precious energy in trying to prevent these sensitive areas from being bumped, or triggered, and stimulated. I tried to control and manipulate all the things, experiences and people around me to avoid the sting of such an encounter.

One small example:

 I never felt "safe" in a car when I was the one driving.  From the very beginning, it triggered a deeply rooted and childhood belief in me that I wasn't capable enough to protect myself and other people from the unsafe world out there. On top of that, I had a major accident within a few months of getting my license. It was very traumatic for me but instead of dealing with it, I stuffed that too.

I never let that originating experience, that got me believing  I wasn't capable and that the world was unsafe in the first place, go; I didn't let the trauma of the accident  go because I couldn't let the childhood experience go so I had vortex of these experiences spinning around inside me. They keep bumping up against each other creating a form of driving anxiety, and subsequently prolonged and unnecessary pain and suffering whenever I thought of driving.  

Triggered Fear

I still drive but even the thought of having to drive somewhere in a future situation will trigger this sensitivity in me, reminding me of the accident and reminding me of my belief that I am not capable. Fear wants to come up but I have learned to fear fear. My mind jumps in and does whatever it can to protect itself, the little me, from this experience of fear. 

First it will try to find ways for me to avoid the driving..."maybe someone else will drive me, maybe I can cancel my appointment or make an excuse why I can't drive that person there".  If that fails, it will plan my driving route sometimes days in advance.  "Well if I go at this time of the day around this street it won't be so busy.  There will be less chance of an accident.  If I go there...then there and there even if it is an extra fifteen minutes, I will avoid all left hand turns [which for some reason really trigger this sensitivity in me]."

If I can't find away out...I will give myself a lecture about the importance of not avoiding anxiety provoking situations. I will very reluctantly agree  to face my fear, breathe deep and crawl into the car.   I always contract a bit when I get behind the wheel. I have the experience of anxiety and fear. My chest will come forward and my shoulders will tense up.   My heart will beat a little faster and my hands will cling the wheel a little too tightly. I am like a gazelle on the Serengeti who realizes she has been spotted by a hungry lion. I will feel fear  really, really wanting to be expressed. But I block that with a head full of thinking. My mind will chastise me for it, "What is wrong with you? You are 50 + and acting like someone in high school taking driving lessons.  Smarten up."  Self shaming and anger is a way of avoiding the fear.

When I finally get home  I will feel tremendously relieved, like I survived a battle on the front lines and I will feel just as drained. Trying to suppress my fear and avoid driving triggers is absolutely exhausting.


Removing the Thorn?


This is just one of my many thorns.  No wonder why I am drained and why my heart is acting up now.

Michael Singer describes this experience in Chapter Seven as akin to having a thorn in your arm.  He describes it so eloquently that I want you to read it for yourself.  I want you to read the untethered soul because my explanation of it can never do it justice.

Anyway...many of us do that don't we?  Instead of removing or releasing the source of discomfort we put great energy into trying to manipulate and control the  world around us as to  prevent our tender spots from being triggered.  When all we really had to do was let the darn thing go.

The problem is I identify with the driving fear and all the other thorns I have.  I see it as a very unacceptable part of who I am.  I stuff it and stuff it and stuff it.  I put great energy and effort into avoiding it...to the point of it being absolutely exhausting when all I have to do is pull out the darn thorn. That would be so much easier.

How to stop the pain 

So how do we do that anyway?  Michael Singer offers some ways we can do this:

1. Accept that you have something inside you that needs to be dealt with
2. Open your eyes and see the tendency to protect and defend this broken  little self.
3. Notice how much effort and work it takes to protect and defend this thing from being triggered
4. Know there is an alternative to this draining suffering: you just have to be conscious enough to watch that part of yourself that is constantly closing and trying to protect itself
5. Decide not to do that anymore. Know that what you are working so hard to protect is not something you want.  I don't want my driving fear.  I don't want the belief that I am not capable of being safe. I don't want fear at all. So why on earth do I work so hard to protect it?   If you don't really want it than don't protect it.
6. Allow whatever needs to be felt, to be felt. Pain, anxiety, loneliness, rejection are really not problems in themselves.  The problem lies in what we do with those things.
7. Then go about your business and be there with whatever Life hands you instead of putting all you have into this personal sensitivity.
8. Practice continually with all potential triggers : The moment you see the energy getting imbalanced inside, the moment you see the heart starting to tense and get defensive, you just stop.
9. Don't fight or struggle against the mind or these thoughts, emotions or  currents of unwanted energy.  See them for what they are. 
10. Know that the thought, the feeling and the energy you have been trying so hard to stuff or run from, isn't you.  It is just an object the "you" is watching.
11. Let go and fall behind it where the  real energy that matters is. Where you are watching.
12. Relax and release.
13. Enjoy your freedom

All is well in my world.

Singer, Michael. (2007) teh untethered soul. New Harbinger