Leaving the Comfort Zone

An overindulgence in anything, even something as pure as water, can intoxicate.
-Criss Jammi (https://www.healthyplace.com/insight/quotes/quotes-on-addiction-addiction-recovery/)

Just a note...to let you know that I am taking a break.  A little insight and other shared observation recently has gotten me questioning if I am using my writing to cope in a healthy way or if the writing has become a numbing behaviour so I do not have to deal with the physical world issues that exists outside this little writing corner.  It is a good question...a very good question and if you have learned anything about me in the last little bit..it has to be that I like a good question.  :)

Arguments for my writing being an unhealthy coping strategy.

Writing is intellectualization

Sometimes, I think writing is a very exquisite form of intellectualization.  Intellectualization is an unhealthy coping mechanisms of living in the mind...coping with life through practical, unemotional examination and analysis of data.  When we are so busy intellectualizing we do not have time to emotionalize our way through life, do we?  I spend many hours here a day because I want to be in my mind rather than in my heart. (I can control that better, lol) 

One could say there are a lot of things going on around me...that have been going on around me, to me, in me (perceptions of loss, trauma, crisis,  illness, suffering the consequences of false assumption, etc etc) ...whatever...that would lead to a negative emotional experience. I think I fear having to emote fully because I think I will be overwhelmed by it...so I think it through instead.  Thinking is so much easier than feeling, is it not?

Writing, the way I write, is numbing and addictive

I speak only for the writing pattern I have established over the last few years.  I write "obsessively" to cope with the anxiety and worry  that comes about when I think of my health, future etc.  When things get a little more challenging I come here.  I come here to numb! 

Writing intoxicates  me...Some people would go for a drink or a drug...work...do...gamble etc...I come here.  It soothes me, it numbs me, it hides me...it makes me feel safe.  It has gotten to the point that I would rather come here than talk to someone face to face.  I literally get withdrawal symptoms when I can't write. Or if I see someone on my computer...it is like a barrier between me and my words...a barrier between me and my drug...I get so angry and frustrated...and find myself pacing back and forth until I can get them away. And when people feel the need to do an intervention...you know there's a problem.

Writing is a problem if it stops one from living fully

Man...my house is falling a part around me; I no longer socialize the way I used to...prefer being with  my words to the company of others ( I guess that is similar to drinking alone). I tell myself ( good old rationalization) that I write because it is something I can physically do with my health limitations.  I can't nurse anymore but I can write etc. I can't clean the house but I can write.

As true as that may be...I use that excuse to explain why I am not looking after my health.  I say..."Writing is my therapy" and it is... but therapy can be addictive and unhealthy after a certain point.   That's why therapists control time spent with clients  and terminate as soon as possible.  While I have been pushing an imaginary and self imposed word count everyday, I have not been pushing myself to get out for walks and to try different exercises to discover what would work for me.  I can go hours sitting here without getting up which puts me at a risk for clots. I am not eating right and my body has been calling out to me over the last few months for change.  I am not as healthy as I can be right now fro all kinds of reasons...but my numbing choices are probably more a part of the problem than of the solution.

Writing is Doing

Here I am writing about the need to be rather than do...but writing is an action...it is something I "do".  Everything I do...I tend to do in excess. I am a doing addict and I just supplemented writing for the more physically demanding doing. It is like an alcoholic saying, "I am not an alcoholic anymore because I went from drinking hard stuff to beer."  I said my illness perception has led to my inability to do...but heck it doesn't stop me from writing does it?  With writing, I am still doing more than being! I feel this need to finish something...send it out...write so many articles and get them published within a time frame...I "have to" write a blog entry a day...no matter what lol?  How many blogs out there have a new entry a day? Man...I am not following my own advice, am I?

So what am I going to do?

I am going to take a break to put this question to the test and to truly practice what I preach about "being".  I have one short story to send out...I will get that out.  Send my recently rejected novel out again.  Then I step away from my vice...to determine if it actually is a negative vice or something that is benefitting me.  I step away for a week....one full week (I won't do, "One day at a time" lol) ...I will do one week at a time...and I will see how I "feel." I will let you know.

Well my dear friends...until we meet again. Keep waking up in a busy world!

All is well!