Discomfort and Negativity: A Part of the Process?

 

Discomfort is always a necessary part of the process of enlightenment.

Pearl Cleage

I am not sure why I have been feeling down and expecting negative things to happen. I seem to be on the downward spiral again.  

Some would say, "It is just because of everything you had to deal with in the last little while. You haven't been able to think of self , let alone look after self.  You are burnt out, and on top of that you now have a body that is requiring more of your energy to sustain itself. Physical pain, though it feels very doable, takes its toll.  Every step is getting a bit painful now too, isn't it? Now that you know what the likely cause of that upper shin pain is, it is harder to pretend it isn't there.  You can see in your mind what is happening with every step. No wonder why you are down."

Hmmm...that is partly true I am sure.  I cannot help but think it is more than that though...I want to think it is a samskara thing.  That stuff is moving up and out of me...and though it sucks now, it is going to feel good soon. It is all for a good purpose. I want to think this down stuff is just a natural part of the purification process.

But man...how long is it going to last?

I hate thinking negatively.  I can't help but think negative thinking puts negative stuff out there, leading to negative experiences. Yet this negative, "expect the worse" thing is part of the feeling down process isn't it? I can reconstruct my thoughts, I know that...but the thing is ...though I am thinking this way and therefore expecting less than favorable things to keep happening, I am not resisting those negative things.  I am not sitting in fear anticipating their happening...I am just like "Wow...another negative thing...been expecting that." And though I may grumble a bit...I deal. I can handle it. I don't like it...but I can handle it.

It is a very weird type of mindset. So, as I watch myself in this tired body and mind...I don't resist that expereince either.  I just notice and find myself saying, "Interesting."

Crazy, I know.

All is well.

On this side of the Infinite

 ...The "I" is a continously changing, expanding entity...Perfect individuality will only be reached when it has reached the Infinite, but on this side of the Infinite it is a continously changing growing personality.

Vivekananda, 2.6 Practical Vedanta and other Lectures, Complete Works

I was so excited to get this shot of a young humpback a few years back. I nearly fell out of the Zodiac in the process.  I get a little crazy when I have a camera to my eye.  :) It is all about the shot. 

All is well!

Trap or Liberator?

 Love can be the greatest trap or the greatest liberator!

If you love out of need, love is a trap.  If you love out of a natural expression of who you are...love is freedom. 

How do you love?

The more stuff you have stuffed inside you, the more you will seek and cling to the idea of love out of need. The more free you are of samskaras, the more Love will flow freely through you. 

How pure are you? 

The more you look out there for people and things to be the way you want them to be so they do not disrupt your insides, the more tricky love gets.  The more you see that it is all an inner game you are playing based on how many blockages you are hanging on to, the more likely Love will find its way through you.

How do you look at Love?

Getting rid of inner blockages/samskaras so shakti can flow...is the only "real" way to experience love.

Do you get that?

You are Love! You just don't see it because of all the conditioned ways of stuffing and storing you have adopted over the years.  Realize that doesn't work, stop storing more, seek to cleanse, and you will realize you are Love.

Hmm!  Something to think about. 

All is well.

I Keep Going

 And yet I keep going...

I thought of those words today as I looked at the low numbers on my stats page. I also look at a hard copy of the book I wrote this summer...the one designed to help make learning English as an additional language easier for newcomers to this country.  I had to pay the full price for an imperfect copy because my request for proof and author copies are being sent to some cart, God knows where. It has been one little (very frustrating) technical issue after another on this self publishing journey...(frustrating enough for me to forget my practice and give into a reactivity that you wouldn't want any child under 14 being in ear shot of . lol) 

My deepest motivation is pure.  It really is. My deepest motivation is to serve what is "real". I mean I do not come here or to any other page with an intent to gain ego things like money, or notoriety or fame.  I come here to write, to learn and to teach. To me, those three things just naturally go together and are a part of my natural and innate expression of service to this world. (The I am is included in that world.) 

That doesn't mean, however, that ego is not still lurking around hoping to gain something from this.  I guess, the biggest motivation my ego might have is to redeem itself from this sense of failure and inadequacy it experiences when "it" sees "me" as a failure for not making enough money, for not achieving enough in societal terms, for 'wasting' all those years of education to do what? And then it criticizes "me" because I dare to call myself a writer when I have so little publication or external validation for my writing. 

The ego and this human I call "me" is also looking for a little blessing in a host of challenges and frustrations. I am hoping the I am within me will prove itself and become louder than the ego. That it will drown out its nasty voice. The ego too often tells me in an "I told ya so" voice that the universe does not have my back.  That it is challenging me and punishing me by putting one obstacle after another in front of me. It isn't going to make Life easy. 

And I am okay with that.  I am. I don't mind challenges and difficulty, especially if I see even a glimpse of the learning and growth potential in it...but that is to a point. I still need a little blessing...a little show of "you are on the right path, keep going!" My writing "feels" like the right path in the deepest core of my being. It does.  This right here feels like the right path...it comes so naturally from me.  Yet, the external world is not reflecting it at all. If this is a service to the world, should I not see that I am serving? My ego tells me the world is supposed to reflect what I am doing right. If it doesn't reflect it, I am on the wrong path.  Sigh.  

The universe is not only not reflecting it...it seems to be making it impossible or extra difficult with all these technical issues etc. That is where the confusion and the 'disappointment' comes in....the asking, "Is the universe punishing me?"

That seems so silly I know but every time something goes "wrong"...and for me that usually means in an extraordinary sense of wrong or difficult...I feel like the universe has jumped in front of me with a big stop sign or roadblock that I must figure my way around. It happens in my writing here and in the book I just wrote...I mean the writing here and in that  book is/was almost easy...It certainly requires  time and effort but it was and is fun, and it flows from me.  It isn't until I open myself up for readership here and it wasn't until I tried to publish that book and others that I ran into soooo many little issues. My blog is not getting out there other than to a few devoted readers (I am grateful to you, I am!) and to bots that are doing God knows what to my website. I can't just get on now like I used to and where there used to be so many google entry points, I can't find my blog anywhere on Google anymore.  It is like it disappeared. 

In the producing of the book, there were so many challenges that seemed to be too may to be 'normal' as well. Again, I felt the universe in front of me saying, "Nope...we are not only going to make it difficult, maybe we will make some malicious thing come up to interfere with what you are doing too."  It is just crazy...and that crazy...I suppose... is in my head.  

Lately, for some reason...things just seem harder.  It is harder for me to appease ego and find a little peace in my Life.  Hmm! I am so committed to accepting and serving reality. I am.  Is it testing that commitment? 

I see what is happening to this vessel I am in, and I have to question, "Are you purposefully making it difficult for me to serve?"  This body seems to be falling a part. The voice of a surgeon I was referred to once has been ringing in my ears lately, "You will likely need your valve replaced in your sixties." I am in my sixties. Do I wait for something really bad to happen...like heart failure before we go that route. Man, I was told in 2008 that I need to have a stress echo done every year...I have two since then.  That is on me.  I won't ask for them.   

If the heart thing isn't enough...I have a new diagnosis of osteoporosis which is no big deal maybe but when you are as active as I want to be...it is. I am only 61! I wanted to teach my grandkids to skate this winter.  I love to skate!!! I even have skates for them.  But as soon as I put that "intention" out there...the universe comes back with an "I don't think so crazy lady...not you".  On top of that, I am quite sure the pain I've been having in my upper shins for over a year now (before I even heard anything about the possibility of having osteoporosis) ..are tibial stress fractures. That is getting worse. What do I do about that? I am having a hard time getting an appointment with my GP which is the norm of many busy practices in my area. I haven't been able to make contact with him since the test in early September. I had to go online to get a confirmed diagnosis (which I now have) and treatment started.  

I am also becoming more and more incapacitated by this left lower quadrant pain and this sense that something has to be done soon...but all I get is "just a cyst" diagnosis and a "we will check it in another year" before the appointment deflects to another issue (an issue btw that was never my concern but that seems to become the central point of the visits??)  I wake up with pain every single morning and I get severe shocks of pain throughout the day that bend me over. That is why I visit. The diagnosis was made after tests I had done because of my complaints of pain in 2017! That was seven years ago. Do I suffer another seven years?  Well not suffer...that is pretty strong and mentally I can cope with the pain...but how long can I cope with the pain before I can't?  

In April or May I got, literally, a 45 second diagnosis and explanation from a surgeon (while he is standing with a hand on the doorknob) that I have diverticular disease. That's it. The symptoms this body is experiencing with that, and which lead to that test in the first place, are also painful, life altering, and very, very embarassing...yet ego tells me that nothing will be done about that. They too have been going on for seven years and are getting progressively worse. I am afraid to leave the house. 

Heartburn...no big deal, right? I have been on medication for the same since 2012? I try to get off it and I can't...it just gets too bad.  I even had holes burnt into my throat from it that caused me to lose my voice for a while. It was an ENT I was referred to because of the voice issues that discovered the throat burns and first prescribed the proton pump inhibitor that I cannot seem to get off. I bring that up because the medication I need to be on for osteoporosis requires a healthy esophagus.  Go figure. 

My eye problem.  Thank God, I received a call from out of the blue for an appointment with my ophthalmologist....this upcoming week.  I can talk to her about the issues then.  That was a blessing, a show of support from the universe.

Otherwise...I feel this body is being really tested at a time where the barrier to accessing health care is not just a "shame" issue but a physical one. Luckily, I have a brain that understands medicine and knows what the body needs. That is a blessing. I also know how to get some of it. There are many resources out there that can make alternate access to health care possible. I am grateful for those.  I am also grateful for Nurse Practitioners. I am still very grateful for my GP and all that have helped me over the years. I truly am. I am just saying that access to health care and care itself has changed because the system has. Sigh!  And this change is happening at a time this body seems to be falling apart.  Go figure!

What is the point of this bloody long "me-me" ramble, crazy lady?

Sometimes doing what feels right at the deepest level will not be easy.  Sometimes being in the bodies we are in will not be easy. I find myself questioning the "why" of these uneasy times. Why are barriers being put up in front of us as we journey along? Why when we are so committed to our practices and serving in a way we feel is important...does it get harder when we assume it is supposed to be easier? Why when we finally detach from the body focus, doe sthe body act up so severely? 

Are my body challenges all coming down on me now to get me to focus more on the body?  I have been neglecting it and I have been neglecting my human needs lately. So lost in the being part of my human being experience, I forgot to care for the human, the body.   I was so busy thinking of others that I forgot to say, "Hey, I matter too!" It is getting to the point I cannot ignore the body's complaints. It is almost like I am getting a reminder from the Universe, "Hey, you are still in this vessel you have been neglecting...take care of it or it won't be able to take care of you as you serve (the I am within)". 

I am also getting a reminder, maybe, that just because others seem to discount what this body is going through, I don't need to.  Just because others do not seem to see or appreciate what this body needs...doesn't mean I am not supposed to see and appreciate those things.  

So often we look to the external to validate our worth.  This happened on my lifelong health seeking journey.  I had legitimate body concerns for many, many years. I spent years waiting for people to tell me what I already knew about my body's needs.  When I presented and told these body mechanics what my body was saying, in one way or other, I got the impression they discounted those cries for help because they were not important enough. (That was just the way I heard it, not necessarily the way it was). Well, if they didn't think my body's concerns, and therefore my body, was important enough, why should I?  It was as if I was waiting for them to tell me that my body deserved to be cared for before I could care for it. I dismissed my own body messages, its cries for help over the years because its suffering was not being echoed back to me through the validation and diagnosis I thought I needed from others.  Now look at it. This form now epitomizes the long term effect of body neglect. That is a valuable lesson for all of us. You can learn from this before your body gets to this point. 

We need to love our bodies. We need to give them what they need to stay healthy. We need to listen and honor and reply to their cries for help. We need to stop depending on others to validate its worth, our worth! Man, that was a lesson a long time in the making.

This goes as well with our gifts.  What we offer the world in terms of our creative expression and gifts, those that come from the deeper motivation within us to serve reality...may not be appreciated by others. We do not need others to validate their value. I looked at my book yesterday...and though there are definitely some things that need to be changed...I can see how worthy it is. I can see where those hours, that effort, that inspiration and motivation has taken this project.  I am proud of it!!! It came from the purest part of me. Sigh

I read what I put together here and no matter if others look at it as a bunch of new age...woo-woo nonsense...I can see the value in it. It also comes from the purest part of me.

I choose to see the value of this body and creative mind, what they can give to the world. I do not need others to mirror it back to me.

...And that, my dear friends, is why I keep going

All is well. 

A Forgotten Poem

 Teacher

 
Monkey kings
bow their head in reverence
while studious and
well mannered students
 clap and wave their arms about.
The teacher
speaks  to lessons
reduced to  fading words
and symbols  on
yellowed scripts,
translated and transmuted
into concepts that
hold  only grains
of the sand
Truth is.
 
Once a disillusioned Indian Prince,
a humble Jewish carpenter,
a Saudi travelling merchant
 and the face of so many others
who have looked directly into the divine,
the teacher stands before us,
an accumulated morphing
 of centuries of shed outfits and forms,
 different languages and pointers
with only one lesson to share.
 
The weary teacher has  traveled far
along the silk road to the east,
the busy industrial path to the west,
over mountains and through dessert,
through  rice patty and through ocean,
through golden lined streets
and war -torn rubble,
to stand here today.
 
 
The teacher teaches,
not so much with what is said
but by what is embodied
within this meager form
that is worn like a cloak
around all that is.
The lesson is taught through
slow purposeful steps,
inspired speech,
and a light that shines
so brilliantly
from eyes that
offer Love to all of us
who so desperately want to know
what the teacher is here to teach.

© Dale-Lyn (Pen),  June 2020

I was reminded of this poem today. I wrote it years ago and like so much of the poetry that pours through me...I completely forgot about it. Once  a poem  is written, edited or revised if needed, and then put "out there" in some way... my work is done. That is how I tend to operate in this genre. 

Poetry is an an example, I believe, of the proper use of universal mind. As long as ego doesn't pull us down into the muck of personal mind with all that "me, mine, I" crap...like "Oh my God! What if others don't like it and think I am a bad poet?  What if others like it and get some personal gain from it?" All that stuff misuses this wonderful mind that just wants to express and create.

Hmm!

All is well in my world.. 

Understanding the Surface Reflection

 The ego is first and foremost a bodily ego; it is not merely a surface entity, but is itself a projection of a surface. 

Sigmund Freud

Years studying psychology, which meant studying Freud and this is the best definition of the Id, ego, and superego I have heard. 

The Id is the body's representive in the mind

The superego is society's represenative in the mind

The ego is the "I" that stands between the Id and the superego trying to stay sane as it listens to both.

Michael A. Singer

We often fail to understand as we progress into understanding it better, that the mind is a wonderful tool, a gift actually.  It is trying to do us a solid. Yes, the personal mind can get us into trouble but the personal mind is basically just the mixed up ego trying to follow the directions of two often opposing voices.  

It is good to note as Michael A. Singer reminds us in the linked video, Your mind is not your ego!

The ego is that, which in its self protecting confusion, leads us to misuse the gift that was given to us.   The universal mind on the other hand is, as Uell S. Anderson refers to it, beautiful. It is that which allows us to think great thoughts, write great poetry (or mediocre lol), paint pictures, dance and sing, solve important life changing problems. We simply misuse it when we focus on the tiny part of it that is not so healthy...the part that ego has cultivated as its home turf...the personal mind. 

Ego draws us, this spacious consciousness that we are, into the small section of mind it built and attempts to maintain at the downfall of our own sense of peace. On this small section of fertile land, ego plants fear, shame, self-doubt and the need to prove and redeem to compensate for any comparitive sense of inadequacy. It plants desire and whispers in a harsh and demanding voice, "Go get what is out there to make it better in here! Do whatever you can do to change, or push away anything out there that will stomp through the not so comfortable comfort zone we are trying to build!" 

So that is what we do...we listen to this broken confused part of us that sits precariously between what the body says it wants and needs and what society says it wants and needs from us. We are convinced we are it...we are that "me" ego identifies as.  So we desperately try to create a broken little world that blocks out  what ego deems as unpleasant, and sucks in the pleasant. Ego tells us how to do that and we listen. 

What ego tells us is "sick" right? Are we getting that yet?

You broke mind and try to fix it with mind. 

"It sucks in here now," ego tells us. "But if we work together we can make it better...if we continue to pull in what 'feels good' and push away what 'feels bad'.... someday it will be real nice in here.  Yeah some day Life will be the way "I"want.

When we begin to wake up we pull back our focus from that tiny perspective.  We begin to see and understand mind better.  From a distance, we can see how tiny and how sick ego mind is.  We begin to see the space and the beauty of the mind that surrounds personal mind. The more we widen our lens the tinier and tinier this fraction of the mind devoted to "me" is and the grander and more beautiful the mind that surrounds it is. 

The consciousness that notices your mind is God.

All is well in my world!

Michael A. Singer/ Sounds True/ Temple of the Universe (November 16, 2024) The Ego and the Self: Navigating the Inner World. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIvfJ_yj5Eg&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2

Self Acceptance

 

It is a journey that allows us to release the weight of expectations both those imposed by society and those we impose on ourselves. 

In this freedom we no longer seek validation nor approval to feel whole instead we discover a stable sense of self that is resilient, confident, and open to growth. At its core self acceptance means embracing the full range of  our humanity: the good and the challenging, the strengths and the vulnerabilities. 

Many of us spend a great deal of energy hiding aspects of ourselves that we believed to be flawed. We may try to appear to be more competent, confident, or kind, masking the parts of us that feel inadequate or unworthy. But this rejection of our shadow only serves to create internal conflict. When we deny parts of ourselves we experience tension and fragmentation within as though we are at war with who we are. By choosing self acceptance we release this tension, allowing all parts of ourselves to co-exist harmoniously. We come to see that we are not defined by any one part alone but by the sum of our expereinces, thoughts, feelings, and actions. This acceptance brings a profound sense of peace. No longer are we bound by the relentless pressure to prove ourselves to the world. We can let go of the masks we wear and the personnas we adopt to fit in or be liked. 

In this space of self acceptance we find relief from the constant need to meet some external standard. We realize our worth is not contigent on what we accomplish, how we look or how others perceive us. This understanding liberates us from the burden of needing to achieve or to be perfect in order to feel valued. We see ourselves as worthy just as we are. And this worth is intrinsic, not earned or bestowed by anyone else. 

This freedom in self acceptance also changes how we engage with growth and improvement. Often people believe accepting themselves as they are might lead to complacency or stagnation but in reality self acceptance creates a foundation from which we can grow more authentically. When we are no longer motivated by fear, shame or the need to fix ourselves we can pursue growth for its own sake because we genuinely want to become aligned with our true nature. This kind of growth is not about reaching a state of perfection. It is about deepening our understanding of ourselves, expanding our potential and moving closer to the most authentic version of ourselves. Self acceptance is not the end of self improvement. Rather it is the beginning of a journey where we strive to grow from a place of love and cuiriosity instead of fear and inadequacy.

The freedom that comes with self acceptance also transforms how we interact with others. When we accept ourselves we become more accepting of others. We are no longer so quick to judge or criticize as we understand that everyone has struggles, insecurities, and unique qualities that make them who they are. Our compassion grows as does our capacity for empathy. We no longer feel the need to compare ourselves to others or to compete with them because we are secure in who we are. This inner security allows us to engage in relationships from a place of authenticity and openness free from the fears and insecurities that otherwise might lead us to act defensively or manipulatively. In accepting ourselves we invite others to do the same creating relationships that are built on mutual respect and understanding.

 Freedom in self acceptance also means we can expereince life more fully. When we are constantly striving to be someone else or meet a certain standard we miss out on the richness of the present moment. We become so focused on becoming we forget the value of simply being.  

Self acceptance allows us to let go of the struggle and to simply enjoy the expereince of being alive with all its ups and downs, its challenges and joys. We come to appreciate ourselves as dynamic evoving beings capable of growth but also complete in each moment. This perspective helps us to save a life, to engage deeply with our expereinces, and to live with a sense of freedom that is not hindered by self doubt or teh need for external validation. 

Morover, self acceptance fosters resilience. Life is unpredictable and challenges are inevitable. When we accept ourselves we become better equipped to face these challenges becausee we are not trying to be something we are not. We are grounded in who we are with a stable sense of identity that does not waver in the face of hardship or criticism. This resilience allows us to navigate Life's difficulties with grace and courage. We do not feel the need to hide from our failures or to shy away from our mistakes because we understand that these experiences are a natural part of our journey. We can face setbacks and adversity without losing our sense of self worth, knowing we are enough regardless of the outcome. 

Freedom in self acceptance, then, is a liberation that reaches into every aspect of our lives. It is the foundation of inner peace, authentic growth, meaningful relationships, and a fully engaged life.

By accepting ourselves for who we are we find the strength to embrace Life with an open heart and a fearless spirit, free from the constraints of self doubt and societal expectations. In this freedom we discover we are not only enough, but that we have always been complete just as we are. 

Alan Watts

I can not add much here without disrupting the pureness in his word flow. I can, however, summarize. Self acceptance allows us to realize our intrinsic worth; it offers the peace that comes when we nolonger feel the need to hide or disown parts of ourselves; the relief that comes when we no longer compare or compete with others, and the sense of ease that comes when we realize our value is not dependent on our so called achievements or social expectations. With true self acceptance we can experience all of life more fully, content to simply be in it.  We can grow in the purest of ways (deeper), we can interact with others more authentically and openly and it allows us to face each challenge Life is sure to send our way with an open heart and fearless spirit. 

Hmm! Have a listen

Alan Watts Legacy ( November, 2024) The Woman Who Walks Alone . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXCd5iKW4Qo

Through the Hands and Eyes of Such

Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

Kahil Gibran

 I am that I am is what reality says to you.

Michael Singer

Singer and Gibran in the above quotes tell us that reality is God.  Do we honor God through our lives? No.

Most of us literally let the things that bother us the most to guide our lives. How? We resist the moment when it doesn't go our way. What a struggle we have then with reality, with Life.  Constantly struggling against, constantly striving for something other than, constantly clinging to whatever numbs us from what is going on in our moments here and now, and constantly pushing away what is.

This doesn't work at making us happy.  It does the opposite. 

Since it is so absurd to ruin your life with resistance, why can't you practice acceptance?  

We need to recognize our resistance and the effect of it.  Then we need to practice accepting and allowing instead. We need to recognize God in each moment reality provides and honor that.  Reality is a divine gift.  How can we keep turning our backs on it? We need to turn around, see reality and kneel down before it. Acceptance is a practice....probably the most important part of any sadhanna. 

Once we realize it isn't "all about me"....we can put the energy we spend perserving this ego with our resistance ...into the question, "How can I serve this moment and all that is happening right now in it?" 

Hmm! All is well in my world!

Michael A. Singer/ Sounds True/ Temple of the Universe (November, 2024) From Resistance to Service. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJIDlvDlwVY&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2

The Only Meaning to Life: Accept and Serve Reality

 Accept Life and serve it! That is the only meaning to Life.

Michael A. Singer

You are not in charge.  There are things you can do to take care of the body and mind but...you don't control the body. The body controls itself.  You are not in control of nature, nature controls herself. You are not in control of the behaviour of other people.  They are in control of their own behaviour.  You are not in control of the moment. The moment takes care of itself. You are not in control of reality.  Reality is control of itself. It simply is.

Reality wins!

Flowers are red, water is blue, grass is green...Zen koan

It is not going to be the way you want it to be. Why?  It isn't suppose to be the way 'you' want.  It is suppose to be the way it is. 

There are 8.3 billion human drops in the universal ocean. Each of us are only one tiny drop...how much do we control that ocean? How much do the wishes of each tiny drop control, by itself, the movement of that ocean? 

Life can be beautiful when we learn to accept Life and then ask, "Instead of serving this "me" I created in my mind with all its stored stuff, how can I serve this moment as it is right now?". 

Once you accept, you can serve. Life will show you how.

All is well.

Michale A. Singer/ Sounds True/ Temple of the Universe (November 12, 2024) From Resistance to Service: A Journey toward Spiritual Freedom. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJIDlvDlwVY&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2

Cultivating Presence

 

Furthermore, aloneness cultivates presence, a key element of genuine connection. When we are alone we have the oppportunity to be fully present with ourselves, to listen to our thoughts, observe our emotions, and engage with the present moment. 

This practice of presence carries over into our intercations with others. We are no longer caught up in our own insecurities and projections because we have faced them in solitude. Instead we can be fully attentive, listening without distraction, truly engaging in what others are sharing. This ability to be present not only enriches our relationships but also creates a profound sense of connection because others can feel we are genuinely there with them.

Aloneness also fosters empathy. In our solitary moments we encounter our own struggles and vulnerabilities and through this we gain insight into the experiences of others. By understanding our own emotional landscape we become more attuned to the feelings and challenges of those around us. We recognize the universal aspect of the human experiences: the hopes, fears and insecurities that we all carry. This empathy allows us to connect to others on a deeper level, as we are able to see beyond surface differences and appreciate the shared humanity that binds us all.

The act of embracing aloneness teaches us not only about our own inner worlds but also about the beauty of interdependence. By standing comfortably in our solitude we come to understand that true connection is a choice rather than a necessity. We no longer approach relationships with a sense of dependency or fear of abandonment. Instead we value them as meaningful additions to our lives, not as requirements for our happiness or our sense of self worth. 

This shift allows us to engage in relationships with a sense of freedom joy and appreciation. We can give and receive love openly knowing that we are not seeking completion but sharing the richness of our lives with others. 

Embracing aloneness thus transforms how we interact with others. It eliminates the need to project a certain image or fulfill specific roles which often create barriers to true intimacy. When we feel comfortable with ourselves we feel no need to pretend or impress, allowing others to see and connect with our authentic selves. This authenticity creates a space where others feel encouraged to be real as well, paving the way for relationships based on honesty, mutual respect, and understanding. In this space of authenticity connections flourish  and relationships become deeply fulfilling because they are rooted in genuine ungaurded self expression.

Ultimately the journey of embracing aloneness is embracing a journey to inner freedom.  It liberates us from the pressures of external validation and societal expectations, allowing us to connect with others in a way that is true and sincere. 

By becoming at ease in solitude, we discover that we have everything we need within us.  We approach relationships not as a way to fill a void but as an opportunity to share the fullness of who we are. This self sufficiency allows for the creation of connections that are mutually enriching, resilient and transformative. 

Embracing aloneness is not about withdrawing from others, it is about finding the grounding that allows us to engage with others from a place of wholeness and genuine connection, freedom and self expression. It is one of the most profound kinds of liberation we can experience.  To accept oneself fully with all the perceived imperfections, flaws, and unique qualities is to be free from the constraints of needing to be anything other than what we are. This kind of acceptance doesn't mean settling or resigning oneself to unchanging patterns. Rather, it's about looking at one's self without judgment, seeing with clarity who we are, and finding peace in that awareness. 

Alan Watts

Alan Watts Legacy ( November, 2024) The Woman Who Walks Alone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXCd5iKW4Qo&t=686s

The Fourth Hour

 

The Breeze at Dawn

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you

don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want

don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill

where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open

don't go back to sleep. 

Rumi

Do you ever wake up between 3 and 5 in the morning.  I do all the time.  I just pop awake and lay there in the dark thinking WTF? I often just want to go back to sleep.  Should I?This is the time that devote members of spiritual practices across the globe get up to pray or meditate.  Why?  It is considered a sacred space or hour where the veil between the unconsconscious and the conscious, the visible and the invisible, lifts. Carl Jung honored this time and saw it as deeply significant for accessing those parts of the mind that are often hidden. Others like Rumi...see/seen it as a time to connect and honor the unseen. I am not sure what it is but last evening before going to bed I seen a little youtube video on this time, what is called "the fourth hour", and I went to bed thinking about it. Somewhere in the night my eyes popped open and I found myself wide awake.  I said to myself, "No, This is kooky." I reached over to check the time. "3:05". So I had to sit up and meditate for a while lol...what else could I do? I couldn't just go back to sleep. 

All is well.  

One's Inner Resources are Enough!

Solitude teaches resilience. 

It is easy to feel safe and secure when surronded by others but solitude tests this sense of security.  When alone there is no one to turn to for reassurance and support. In this space one must learn to rely on themselves to find comfort and courage within. This self reliance is empowering because it reveals that one's inner resources are enough. They do not need to depend on others for stability or happiness because they have learned to find these things within themselves. This realization strengthens them not just in solitude but in all areas of life. It allows them to face challenges with a quite confidence knowing they have the inner resources to handle whatever comes their way. 

My time embracing solitude gives me strength and I have a quiet confidence that I can handle Life and what unfolds in front of me.

What about you?

The woman who walks alone embodies this strength. She does not walk alone because she cannot find company but because she knows that solitude allows her to cultivate a sense of Self that is unbreakable. In her alonesness she finds a connection to Life that goes beyond social bonds. She feels the interconnectedness of all things: the quiet pulse of nature, the rhythms of her own mind. She becomes attuned to the subtle aspects of existence that often go unnoticed in the rush of daily life. This attunement gives her a sense of belonging that does not rely on others. She belongs to herself, to the world, to Life Itself.

I seek this sense of Self that is unbreakable. It is in my solitude that I find a connection to Life that I can barely explain but I am also so attuned to the interconnectedness of all things. 

What about you? 

One also learns the value of being present. Without distractions there is an opportunity to fully experience the moment; to see things as they are rather than how we wish them to be. This presence is grounding.  It brings a sense of peace and stability. It teaches that strength is not about control or power but about acceptance and awareness. The woman who walks alone understands this. She does not seek to control Life but to flow with it, to find harmony in each moment even when those moments are challenging. Her strength lies in her ability to remain present, to face whatever arises with grace and resilience.

I find presence and the ability to simply flow with Life in solitude.  I can carry this into those times when I am not alone.

What about you?

Solitude reveals that strength is not something we acquire from the outside but something we cultivate within. It is a process of coming to terms with ourselves, of understanding and accepting who we are.

It is when I am alone that I see and come to terms with who I really am in an understandinga nd accepting way? 

What about you?

The woman who walks alone knows that true strength is quiet, rooted, and unshakable. It is the kind of strength that does not need to prove itself because it is complete in itself. Solitude has taught her this and since binded in her solitude she finds a peace that the world cannot give. 

I feel a strength and a peace that passes all understanding when I am in this type of solitude.

What about you?

Embracing aloness is a journey into the depths of one's own mind and heart. It requires courage and an openness to facing one's self without distractions, external validations, or the comforting sounds of other voices. Yet, it is this space of solitude that we come to know ourselves intimately. And paradoxically this deep self knowledge becomes the foundation for authentic connection with others.

I take that dive into the depths of my mind and heart during my aloneness.

What about you?

 By embracing our aloneness we cultivate a type of inner peace and clarity that cannot be found through the presence or approval of others. In this way aloneness becomes the pathway to understanding not only who we are but alos how we can connect with others in a way that is genuine, open, and devoid of neediness or pretense. 

I explore my relationship patterns during my alone time encouraging my herat to stay open the need for the good opinion of others to slip off . Still working on that. :)

What about you?

To connect authentically with others, we must first know ourselves. In solitude, stripped of the social expectations and roles that we often take on we begin to see who we truly are. We learn about our desires, our fears, our strengths and our insecurities. These realizations can be uncomfortable and sometimes we may even resist them. Yet it is through this self refelection that we come to understand  the motivations behind our actions and the origins of our responses to the world around us. The solitude provides us with the clarity to see our patterns both the ones that serve us and the ones that hold us back. We start to uncover parts of ourselves that we may have ignored or suppressed. 

I explore my habit tendencies, my reactivities, my samskaras when I am alone.  I call up my fears, insecurities, and desires for exploration and release.  It isn't easy and it isn't pleasant but I am committed now to free myself of all that which makes me reactive...of fear; and I am attempting to embrace the Love and purified freedom that is waiting for me on the other side.

What about you?

In doing so we may begin to see ourselves as whole complex individuals and we accept ourselves as we are. This self acceptance becomes the cornerstone of authentic connection. When we no longer seek approval or validation from others to feel complete we free ourselves from the neediness that can cloud our relationships. We do not approach others with a sense of lack or expectation. Instead we come from a place of fullness offering who we are openly and without fear of judgement or rejection. 

Though I have a ways to go, I am using my sacred space to getting rid of a need for approval and validation from others to refelct my worth.  I have come so far in looking out at others I relate to and knowing that they are not repsonsible for my happiness or lack of. I stopped approaching others with an intention they fill in my lack.  I have little to no expectations. I still to some extent fear rejection and judgment but I am working on that.  I do much of that work in solitude.

What about you?

Embracing aloneness has given us the inner strength to stand on our own which allows us to be genuinely open with others. We can share our thoughts, our feelings, and our vulnerabilities without the anxiety of needing them to affirm our worth. In this openness others are more likley to feel safe and free to be them selves as well, leading to a deeper and more authentic bond. 

Embracing my aloneness is giving me the strength to stand on my own. At times I weakness I crave solitude for I know it is the remedy I need. 

What about you? 

All is well

Alan Watts LEgacy (November, 2024) The Woman Who Walks Alone.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXCd5iKW4Qo&t=686s

Are you the woman [or man] that Walks Alone?

 The Woman who walks alone

There is a  woman who walks alone not because she cannot find company or she is afraid but because she knows that walking alone is how she comes to  understand herself and the world around her. 

This woman does not flee from solitude, rather she embraces it, seeing it as a sacred space where her mind can roam freely without the pressures and performance that society expects.

The woman who walks alone does not walk in lonliness. She understands that alone is not a state of lack but a state of being. She is in harmony with herself and in this aloneness she finds strength. Alone she does not wait for approval nor does she seek to be anything other than what she is. She walks freely and in her steps you can hear the quiet confidence of someone who has come to terms with both her light and her shadows. 

In our world we often shy away from solitude. We distract ourselves with endless activity, fearing what we might find if we sit in solitude for too long. We look to others to reflect back ourr worth hoping they will give us a sense of who we are. But a woman who walks alone knows that true fulfillment can not be given, it can only be found within. She has walked the path of introspection; braved the depths of her own mind and emerged with an unshakable sense of self. You see the beauty of walking alone is that it is a journey of self discovery.

When you are alone you cannot escape yourself.  You come face to face with your fears, your desires, your doubts but instead of running from these, the woman who walks alone embraces them, she learns from them. She understands that her fears are not obstacles but teachers, that her desires are not weaknesses but invitations to undersatnd herself more deeply. 

Her solitude is not an act of defiance but an act of freedom. She has chosen to liberate herself from the expectations of the world. In doing so she has discovered that solitude is not the absence of connection but the purest form of it. Alone, she connects with Life itself, with the wind and the trees, the sounds of the world around her. She feels part os something greater because she has stripped away the noise and in the silence she hears the song of the universe. 

The woman who walks alone walks with the awareness that Life is not about accumulating people, things, or status.  It is about understanding deeply who she is. She knows that only when she truly understands herself can she connect with others without pretense or need...and so she walks.

She walks with no destination, no rush, no need to prove anything. Her steps are light but her presence is powerful like a tree deeply rooted in the earth. Her aloneness is her strength, her guide, her teacher. She carries with her the wisdom that everything she needs is already within her.

The woman who walks alone reminds us that solitude is not something to fear but something to embrace. It is the foundation on which self understanding is built and when you know yourself truly and deeply you can walk through this life unshaken grounded in the knowledge that you are enough.

So perhaps there is something for each of us to learn from her...to take a step back from the endless noise to find our own path, to find our own sense of freedom...to discover that we too can walk alone, not in lonliness, but the in the beautiful peace of solitude.

Solitude is often misunderstood in our society. It is seen as something to be avoided, something that might indicate lonliness or the inability to fit in. But there are those who recognize solitude as a vital part of Life, a necessary space where strength is cultivated... self awareness deepens. Solitude for these people is not an escape from the world but a journey inward. It is a form of engagement with Life that allows them to become stronger, more grounded and in tune with who they are.

When one is alone, truly alone, they are stripped of the usual distractions Without the chatter of social intercation there is nothing to mask the thoughts and feelings that arise. This experience can be uncomfortable because it reveals aspects of ourselves that we may prefer to ignore. But in solitude there is no escape from the self. And within this quiet confrontation lies the profound opportunity: The chance to face one's fears, to understand one's desires, and to observe one's thoughts with a clarity that is hard to acheive in the presence of others. Through this process one begins to realize they are more resilient and capable then they might have beleived.

In solitude one learns that strength is not about external validation or the approval of others. Society often measures strength by accomplishements, status , or influence but these are temporary and can be taken away. True strength is something that is more enduring. It is found in a grounded sense of Self that cannot be shaken by external circumstances. 

In solitude one builds a relationship with themself  which is not dependent on how others see them. They come to see that their worth is inherent and does not rely on external acheivements or recognition. This realization is powerful because it allows them to stand firm in who they are regardless of the world around them.

Solitude also provides a space for reflection that is difficult to find in a busy social world. When alone one can examine their own thoughts and actions without the influence of others. This kind of reflection is essential for personal growth because it reveals patterns and habits that might go unnoticed in the midst of daily life. In solitude there is time to question why we react the way we do; why we hold certain beliefs and why we pursue certain goals. This questioning leads to a deeper understanding of the Self. ...an undersatnding that forms the foundation of inner strength. With this knowldege one can navigate Life with greater confidence and clarity, no longer swayed by the opinions and expectations of others. 

Alan Watts

I was lead to this speech last evening by fate, synchronicity, coincidence....however you choose to see the casual or acausal things that move us from place to place.  I was blown away by it...so much so that I wanted to copy every word I was hearing.  That takes a long time lol...so I will divide it in to 4 parts.  This was the first section of that video.  

What does it say?  How does it speak to this human I call "me'? 

I want to be that "woman who walks alone"...in a sense I have been her (without the fully evolved nature).  Walking alone through the woods was my thing for years.  It is how I regroup, how I ground, how I reflect, how I grow.  When I read this...it was like Watts was talking about "me". ( Of course, that is how ego takes it, eh? Personalizes it. Out of the 3-4 billion women in the world it felt like he was talking to 'me'. lol ) 

I am not lonely when I walk alone...just the opposite.  I tend to be more lonely in a crowd of people than I would by myself. 

I walk alone because I have a deep desire to find Self and I know I cannot find this in the busy social world. 

I feel so connected, in those moments, with Life itself, the wind and the trees

I see solitude as a sacred space where my mind can roam freely without worry about the influence of others. I find my strength in this space...my ba;ance and harmony...my peace. Every day, whether I am walking or not, I seek solitude so I can face my fears and desires, face what is going on in my heart and mind...so I can reflect on it, accept it, and heal by eventually releasing. 

I love solitude!!! I crave solitude!! And I am thinking I need more solitude. Hmm!

What about you? 

All is well! 

Alan Watts Legacy (November, 2024)  The Woman Who Walks Alone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXCd5iKW4Qo&t=373s

Synchronicity Again

 Synchronistic phenomenon prove the simultaneous occurences of meaningful equivalences in heterogeneous, causually unrelated processes; in other words, they prove that a content perceived by an observer can, at the same time, be represented by an outside event, without any causal connection.  From this it follows either that the psyche cannot be localized in space, or the space is relative to the psyche. The same applies to the temporal determination of the psyche and the psychic relativity of time. I do not need to emphasize that the verification of these findings must have far-reaching consequences. 

Carl Jung. Synchronicity: An Acausal Connecting Principle

I love when things happen that appear to be too coincidental to be true. Without reading what was read off my site in the last 24 hours I just wrote a long big blog entry based on what inspired me from Michael Singer's podcast.  I was inspired to go to the Gita and write down a couple of passages from Chapter 2 related to the fruits of action. I began with the passage that starts at verse 54, then I added a quote that began with verse 48. All good and done, I then go to reread what was read in the last 24 hours by readers. And lo and behold, of over the 4000 blog entries that could have been read...was one entitled " Not Bearing Fruit."  It not only related to writing without attachment to outcome, it began with the passage from the Gita that immediately poceeds what I have written today...  Verse 47. Isn't that uncanny!!???

What were the connecting seemingly acausal events: My recent thought stream about my writing lately and getting back to this book Fear and Shame (I mentioned that book recently several times),- being  inspired to get back to my writing without being attached to outcome...lead to... picking this Michael Singer podcast over all the others I could have chosen...lead to...there being a mention of the need to transcend  Fear and Shame for Love (the basis and title of my book actually) in the podcast- also a mention of this passage from the Gita....lead to me going to the Gita and quoting this passage as I related to Singer's podcast in my entry...lead to...the daily practice of reviewing what others read in the last 24 hours...to find a blog entry read that not only related to my writing intention but quoted the verse that proceeds the one I quoted today!

The other synchronicity....was that  was thinking of synchronicity and Carl Jung last evening which lead to me skimming through the you tube channels to hear im speak about it and going to bed with that on my mind....that lead without any apparent connecting causation...to me listening and writing in my blog this morning...which lead to a synchronistic event...which then lead me back to Carl Jung...as in the above quote. 

Go figure!

Yoga: Skill in Action that Transcends Fear and Anxiety

Arjuna:

Tell me of the man who lives in wisdom,

Ever aware of the Self, O Krishna;

How does he talk, how sit, how move about?

Sri Krishna:

He lives in wisdom

Who sees himself in all and all in him,

Whose love for the Lord of Love has consumed

Every selfish desire and sense-craving

Tormenting the heart. Not agitated

By grief nor hankering after pleasure,

He lives free from lust and fear and anger

Fettered no more by selfish attachments,

He is not elated by good fortune

Nor depressed by bad. Such is the seer.

Even as a tortoise draws in its limbs

The sage can draw in his senses at will.

An aspirant abstains from sense-pleasures,

But he still craves for them. These cravings all

Disappear when he sees the Lord of Love.

For even of one who treads the path

The stormy senses can sweep off the mind.

But he lives in wisdom who subdues them,

And keeps his mind ever absorbed in me.

When you keep thinking about sense-objects,

Attachment comes. Attachment breeds desire,

The lust of possession which, when thwarted,

Burns to anger. Anger clouds the judgment

And robs you of the power to learn from past mistakes

Lost is the discriminative faculty,

And your life is utter waste.

But when you move amidst the world of sense

From both attachment and aversion freed,

There comes the peace in which all sorrows end,

And you live in the wisdom of the Self.

The disunited mind is far from wise;

How can it meditate? How be at peace?

When you know no peace, how can you know joy?

When you let your mind follow the Siren call

Of the senses, they carry away

Your better judgment as a cyclone drives a boat

Off the charted course to its doom.

Use your mighty arms to free the senses

From attachment and aversion alike,

And live in the full wisdom of the Self.

Such a sage awakes to light in the night

Of all creatures. Wherein they are awake

Is the night of ignorance to the sage.

As the rivers flow into the ocean

But cannot make the vast ocean o'erflow,

So flow the magic streams of the sense-world

Into the sea of peace that is the sage.

He is forever free who has broken out

Of the ego-cage of I and mine

To be united with the Lord of Love.

This is the supreme state. Attain thou this

And pass from death to immortality.

The Gita Chapter 2 Verse 54-72

In the podcast I listened to today from Michael A. Singer I walked away with a very familiar take away: We need to transcend fear for Love. He relayed the following ( which I paraphrased to a slight degree).

Spirituality is all about dealing with the unpredictability of life, not about protecting yourself from it. 

Every single day be a greater person [without attachment to the person] than you were the day before. 

Use the daily mantra: "I want to handle reality."

You cannot love fully and openly if you are afraid of getting hurt. We need to trade fear for love. Ask yoursef, "Do I want love or do I want fear?"

Most of us spend our life attempting to protect ourselves from a fear we refuse to look at. That should not be the  motive of our time here. 

The motive of your life is to express yourself, ...be creative...

That, of course, is the basis of ACIM and was such a part of my own motivation for decades now...that I wrote a book years ago entitled: Beyond Fear there is Love. It was not well written. I tried to cover too much in it, from too many different angles, for it to be publishable. It was a great self-learning tool for me though...a platform on which I could put all the new concepts I was learning down...like some great concept map. After I tidy up the two little books I wrote last year on helping children to write...and send them out ...I would like to go back to that book and give it another go. I also want to go back to my novels. I do not want to be atached to the outcome of any of these projects...I just want to fall into that wonderful creative zone where there is no "me", just the joy of being alive and expressing this thing in me that comes out in my writing. I want to do my best but I do not want to care about how 'this best expression' turns out, you know, about what happens after they are written/revised?

I am reminded of another verse in that same chapter of the Gita. Verse 49- 50.

Seek refuge in the attitude of detachment and you will amass the wealth of spiritual awareness. Those who are motivated only by desire for the fruits of action are miserable, for they are constantly anxious about the results of what they do. When consciousness is unified, however, all vain anxiety is left behind. There is no cause for worry, whether things go well or ill. Therefore, devote yourself to the disciplines of yoga, for yoga is skill in action.

Anyway, thought I would share that.

All is well.

Eknath Easwaran ( 2007) The Bhagavad Gita ( Easwaran's Classics of Indian Spirituality). Kindle Edition

Michael A. Singer (November, 2024) The Journey from Fear to Freedom. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0T4Jf5K7fw&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2

Truth is Impersonal

 That man alone can live in this world, he alone can say, "I enjoy this life, and I am happy in this life", who has seen the Truth, and the Truth in everything. 

Vivekananda, Complete Works, 2.6 Practical Vedanta and other Lectures

What is truth? 

It means recognizing neither good or bad, but knowing all as coming from the Self; Self is in everything. It means denying the universe; shutting your eyes to it; seeing the Lord in hell as well as in heaven; seeing the Lord in death as well as in Life....the earth is a symbol of the Lord, the sky is the Lord, the place we fill is the Lord, everything is Brahman. And this is to be seen, realized, not simply talked about or thought about....Neither good nor bad, neither life nor death-only the one infinite Brahman exists.

As Michael Singer would say, we are so busy focusing on the nontruths...what we created in terms of thought and identy as a little me that we do not see Truth.  We do not see God. We do not see Self.  If we would simply turn away and around from this very personalized thought stream what we are staring at and identifying as, we would see what is here and always was....the Impersonal. 

We are so busy creating more thoughts about our thoughts so we can be screwed up about our thoughts.

 We created an ego and a drama for ego but that is not truth.  It is all just thought.  As long as we personalize life we are not seeing Life.  As long as there is a focus on 'self', we are not seeing Self.  We even personalized Something so great, thinking it into a tiny personalized form. 

The impersonal God is a living God, a principle. The difference between personal and impersoanl is this, that the personal is only a man, and the impersonal idea is that. He is the angel, the man, the animal, and yet, something more which we cannot see, because impersonality includes all personalities, is the sum total of everything in the universe, and infinitely more besides. "As the one fire coming into the world is manifesting itself in so many forms, and yet is infinitely more besides', so is the impersonal. 

Truth is impersonal. Can you handle that? 

The soul is perfect it is just getting identified with something that isn't.Singer

Michael A. Singer (November 4, 2024) Finding Peace Through Truth and Acceptance.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1il3fkITR8&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Swami Vivekananda (n.d.) The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda. 2.6 Practical Vednanta and Other Lectures. Kindle Edition

Acceptance of Truth

 

The truth is it is not about me because there is no 'me'...there is just consciousness interacting with reality.

A real being is in the present moment serving it without needing anything from it. ...(paraphrased)

Michael A. Singer

This is the question I pulled out of the jar yesterday before I listened to this talk this morning or even seen the title. It is so funny how this works.

All is well

Michael A. Singer (Novemeber 4, 2024) Finding Peace Through Truth and Acceptance.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1il3fkITR8&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

From Self to self?

 

You are the very structure and fabric of Existence.

Alan Watts

I have been feeling this knot in the center of my abdomen since I returned from my trip away (actually, it was there before I even left) that is aggravated and amplified by the thought of having to deal with the reality that surrounds me. I knew what I was coming home to and I didn't want to come home to it.  

Though I go through the motions of 'being there' for others and though I have even taken on more 'being there' roles since my return...I am not really here for others. This knot says pull back and I do. I am hovering over reality in some self-protective hover craft. I am not sure if  I am protecting self or Self but I am resisting the pull into other people's dramas big time. 

Some people are not noticing my lack of involvement because they have come up out of their darkness to some extent when I wasn't there...and have since then, because of getting the external help they needed, become independently hopeful again!!!!  (So grateful and that tells me about how little  I am needed...and that maybe I am even in the way of people getting better.  I am at this point...more than okay with that...I will gladly step completely away etc.  I actually want to step completely away. I just need something to step away into.  My hover craft is only temporary lol) 

Yet, there are others who tell me they are waiting with their wagonload of issues for me to come back to them. They are respectfully patient as I, with gut knot twisting inside me,  say, "I do not have it in me now".  They tell me they understand but then they kindly remind me that they need me and they let me know that if I don't 'help them' soon, something bad is going to happen. 

In my mind I am thinking, "Sorry but I got nothing left.  I am done.  I am just a walking carcass here...can't you see? I do not seem to have anything left for anyone, least of all me. I don't know if  this person you are looking for will ever be back." I don't tell them that but I know they are sensing it.

In psychology terms, what I am experiencing would likely be deemed as 'caregiver' burn out. That makes sense, of course,  but I do not tend to think just in psychology terms anymore, do I? There is, something tells me,  a big transition going on inside me that I do not completely understand.  It suprises me that this transition involves the protection of my ego identity as a 'me', or little self. My practice to date was all about dissolving this 'me' and serving others...now I have this inner voice  (this knot of resistance that gets loud when others ask me to go down with them into their pain) that says 'protect self, serve self'. 

Serve self?  

That blows me away.  I thought I was supposed to serve Self...which would mean everyone and renounce self. Now I am hearing and feeling, I need to nurture and protect this self so the Self can grow. 

Huh?

I suppose I have spent the last 30 years almost meeting the needs of my children or at least attempting to. What types of need was I meeting? Physical, for sure. Emotional and mental and some spiritual.  I guess, I have spent most of my life meeting their 'ego' needs and not enough time meeting their spiritual.  On the other side of that coin, though I have devoted the last few years of my life attempting to meet my spiritual needs, I have not been meeting my own physical, emotional, and mental needs. My own approach was contradictory. Spiritual needs are the most important-true- but there I was expending my own limited physical, mental and emotional energy to serve their egoes, not to help their souls to grow. How much could my soul grow in that mixed messaging?  How much could my higher Self grow if I was constantly trampling down self?

So though in Self is where I want to be, do I need to take care of that self that exists above It before I can let it go, before I can truly fall back into Self? Is that what this knot is all about?  I think so.

I need balance. My service needs to be more balanced.  I am, as a self and as a Self, a part of that which I need to serve. I am, afterall, the very structure and fabric of existence. Hmm!

That is quite a realization. 

All is well.

Signs and Wonders?

 Unless you see signs and wonders, you will not believe.

John 4: 48 ESV

Life is your spiritual practice. Can you handle it?

Michael A. Singer

Two thought streams are flowing through my mind now, as you can tell by the two above quotes.

One thought stream is centered around the need for miracles in order to prove to us that the invisible and often intangible essence of Life, known sometimes as Spirit, is real and the other thought stream is about taking our daily practice out of the mystical and etheral and putting it in the physical stuff we deal with everyday. Two entirely different thought streams or are they? Can they verge into one understanding? Hmm!

The need for miracles?

I seek miracles. Do you?  I am often looking for signs and wonders to support that there is something out there beyond what the five senses can pick up. I want more proof about the existence of the non- physical realm. What can I say?  I have a mind that gravitates toward empirical knowledge and evidence. I want to believe so badly in those that say "I talk to dead people" or "I can talk to angels and spirit guides." or "I was dead and this is what I saw."  I want these individuals  to prove to me that they have done or can do as they claim.  Have they to date? Do I believe them? 

I listen to all with a certain amount of hope laden skepticism. I won't believe just because I want to believe.  I am more likely to believe those sharing their NDE's because it makes sense to my scientific mind that consciousness does go on after body function ceases, that it reincarnates into other physical forms. I listen to some NDEers and I feel a resounding "Yes!" in my core, "This really happened to them or at least they truly believe it did."  I listen to others and hear within me, "They are making this up for ego reasons."  So I go back and forth. Still, I believe without emperical evidence that consciousness is not limited to this body.

If I can believe that consciousness is not bound by body...why wouldn't I believe in psychic, telepathic, and telekinetic abilities? The new division in physics (quantum mechanics) is proving all kinds of things that can support this on some level. I am also a want to be yogi. Yoga teaches about the Cittis...those abilities that can be gained by certain forms of Samadhi that most of us, non enlightened, would call magical.  Ram Dass shared in a podcast I recently listened to (and I am sorry I lost the link) about the abilities of his guru. Do I believe then? I still need more evidence to quench this science thing in me.

I find myself drawn to listening to and watching psychics...the famous ones...and I always walk away disappointed.  I want to believe so badly that they are legitimately reading others, I do...but as I watch I see cold reading, general and vague offerings that they then build upon based on the response of their clients (and the clients so want to believe they tend to jump on these vague things that could apply to many and see them as specifics). Even when I am watching I am saying "Wow! The client sees it as bang on!" until the client eloborates more and you realize just how their response only vaguely applies to what was offered and that hope makes it seem like so much more.  I always feel sad after I watch these things. If I were spirit and I wanted to make sure someone knew I was watching them I think I would be a lot more specific in the messages I relayed. I wouldn't just say, "Do you have something that belongs to that person?" I would get the psychic medium to say"That gold ring with the blue sapphire in the top drawer of your nightstand." Yeah...I don't have much faith in the psychics that exploit themselves on TV.  or who make a lot of money doing what they are doing.

That doesn't mean I do not believe psychics are real.  It is the fairly unknown ones that exist in obscurity...that you find out about by word of mouth, that are not flashy or promoting their gift...they are the ones I am drawn to. They do not even seem happy with what they are doing but feel compelled to do so. I would like to sit down face to face with one of them. I think I would be able to "feel" if their gifts are real or not. Hmm! 

And I am looking for signs and wonders all the time.  I even find them.  I would like to believe that there is something I cannot see surrounding me, supporting me...taking me to where I need to be spiritually.

Life as a spiritual practice

I do believe that my practice is more about how I handle everyday life than it is about what spirit shows me through signs and wonders, or during meditation. I want to be the deepest part of Self but I know I need to work my way through the little self to get there. The little self is still entrenched in my secular life. 

You get to the state where you realize your secular life is not different from the spiritual life...

you have to learn to use what is going on for your spiritual growth.

I still meditate.  I still listen to great masters of wisdom; I still read anything I can get my hand on related to spiritual growth but I know now...what I encounter out there in the physical world is my biggest learning challenge.

Real Life and meditation feed each other...they are the same...they are your path

I know I am not just this body and personality. I am this spirit more than anything. And it is its growth that I am here to support. 

My entire Life is about my spiritual growth. This[whatever unfolds in front of me] will help me go to God."

What do I do when something challenging shows up?  A wise person says, "First, calm down.  Ask if there is anything I can do to stop this from coming/changing this?"  ( serenity prayer). Can I handle the fact that I can't do anything about this happening or having already happened (reality)? If not, I must  surrender to reality. I must accept. 

Surrender is not about doing or not doing...it is about surrendering and accepting reality...surrender the part of you that cannot handle reality.

Then, the person truly on a spiritual mission, even when there are no signs and wonders, asks, "Is there something I am supposed to be doing to assist the moment that is going to happen whether I like it or not. How can I serve this moment regardless of what the lower part of me feels about it?"

And here is where the two thought streams come together.

Michael Singer reminds us that when we surrender to what is, the forces that are will call upon us to respond and they will guide our actions.

Everything guides the unfolding of a surrendered being

I want to be a surrendered being first and then I will embarce, without attachment, any signs or wonders that come my way. 

All is well!

There have been others: Eckhart Tolle and Ram Dass who inspired this entry but I failed to jot down those links...my bad.

Michael A. Singer (October, 2024) Turning Daily Life into a Spiritual Practice. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEpEqUVOKYI&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=4