Happy Canada Day!!

 There are no limits to the majestic future that lies before the mighty expanse of Canada with its virile, aspiring, cultured and generous-hearted people.

Winston Churchill

I love this country I call my own though I have the internal knowing that all borders that make this country a nation, seperate from other nations, are man made and not really there. We are one world. 

I am, at the same time, proud of how this country has united and stood up for itself against the antics of a "bully" that wanted to take over the playground. 

That being said, I am not so proud of what it has done to the peoples who were here long before the "settlers" colonized. ( Not a fan of colonization!) Pride is redeemed by any attempts, even if they are not sufficient, made by this country at Truth and Reconcilliation. 

I love the diversity that makes this country a cultural mosaic rather than a melting pot. So many languages that tickle my ears.

I also love the abundant and diverse nature, wildlife, and beauty this country provides. I hope we learn to protect it a little better. 

Yeah....I lift my head up when this human I call "me" tells others, when travelling,  that she is from Canada

Yeah...it is a pretty cool country to be a part of.

All is well

Not Minding What the Body Does

Practice not minding!

Michael Singer

Isn't it cool to see how the word "mind" can be a verb? When personal mind is in the forefront of our experience, determining how we perceive and react to the world...we call that "minding." Our spiritual goal is to recognize when mind is driving and to have the deeper, wiser part of our Selves take over. We need to learn to "not mind" our way through Life events.

I am at the part of my sadhana where I have begun to use some of the more challenging things in Life as a part of my practice. I am practicing with what once brought a great deal of distress and reactivity to me, and I am learning to settle peacefully into these experiences. 

An Example of Not Minding

I woke up with chest pain...second bout in 24 hours. It was so hard to breathe.  So hard to think. So hard to experience anything but the pain. It was all consuming. It was definitely angina.  That meant, I knew, "I am in another cluster of coronary vasospasms". When I recognize it as such, I take the nitro through each attack of spasms ('attack' is a strong word) and it eventually works...maybe not the first shot but by the second or third it will subside. Then I will forget about the pain until the next bout...and there will be a next bout.  I know that.  I accept that.  

I no longer resist and freak out because of that reality.  I have learned to accept that I will have 2-3 days of these episodes...coming and going, ebbing and flowing in intensity. I sit with each bout.  I rest and do my best to breathe and relax through each spasm.  I observe and I experience. I take my nitro when it gets bad or lasts for more than a few moments. I take aspirin if I need to. I prepare myself for what I must do if the third shot of nitro doesn't work. I tell myself, "Yeah...this could be it. This might be how this body ends. Do what you are called to do to stay alive and leave the rest to God."  And I relax into the experience, waiting on what Life will do next. 

Then, just like that the bout will be gone; just like that, the cluster will be done for another couple of months (weeks in the summer). I won't think of it again until I once again feel that squeezing pain in my chest. And I begin the whole process again.

The humid Maritime Summer, I have discovered, is not my friend lol.  Every year, I forget about how summer weather impacts my health as I look forward to the approach of July. When my body starts to respond with this heaviness, this weakness, lethargy, and extra bouts of vasospasms I remember, "Oh yeah...this body doesn't like the humidity."  It is extra humid these days and with the little surgery I had done last week, the sedation, on top of all the 'normal stress' I experience, I am not overly surprised about this bout.

A Time of Reacting and Minding

I did not always react this calmly to this pain experience.  Knowing it was cardiac from the beginning, I "reacted" quite intensely at first running into emergency with tension and fear, asking and demanding that someone see and fix what I had going on.  It never quite worked out that way. I was seen as a young, fit, and active female, not a cardiac potential ...therefore it was decided it must be a "mental health" issue, not a physical one. Man...I was never the posterchild for mental health lol but this, I knew, was physical. Though there were some who also knew and supported me, most of the specialists didn't.  I went years and years and years without a diagnosis, and therefore without the support one with a diagnosis would get. 

I'm fairly smart when it comes to pathophysiology. I knew what I was dealing with from the begining. When my sisters got diagnosed with the same thing much later in life it validated what I was experiencing...at least for me, if no one else. I knew, early on, what it was. I told people what I thought it was. I knew what I had to do. I got the nitro and no matter what anyone else told me to the contrary...I knew.  I handled it. I also knew this "little mitral valve anomly" I had was also causing me issues.  I could literally hear both the click and the regurgitation without a stethoscope. Since the regurgitation was intermittent, not everyone heard it.  Some did...but most didn't. That too got dismissed as not being a potential source of my problem by many specialists. (Other specialists who caught the murmur, informed me I would likely need a valve repair in my sixties.) I also knew I was having arrhythmias...nasty ones. I could see my pulse on my sports watch going from 40 to 200 and back down to 30 for no apparent reason. (I recorded these fluctuations for posterity). I also saw it going up and down like crazy when I was in an atrial fib. That too got denied even when it showed up on cardiac screening. I began to faint. Even when I got rushed into ER by ambulance...I was too often sent home with a shrug of the shoulder and a referral to another specialist.  So, long story short. I didn't get the support I needed at first...medically or financially. 

I truly believed the thing I needed most in the world, back then, was a clear diagnosis. I kept syaing to myself and others, "My life would be better if ...I had a solid diagnosis." I craved one! I did whatever I could to get one! I resisted the way Life was playing out because of this experience of not having one... big time!! I was a closed, resistant, grasping mess for many, many years.

 I have the diagnosis' now...received by a cardiologist after one of many fainting bouts, but I don't need it anymore. I realize I never really needed it.  I am, however, because of it, on a 'miracle' medication that limits both the pulse fluctuatons and the vasospasms (if not totally) and I am so grateful. Throughout this whole experience lasting over 25 years between onset and appropriate treatment, I went from reacting in fear to learning that all I ever needed was already in me. I learned to take care of myself. I learned that reactivity and struggle to get validation and support for what was going on in the body was a struggle doing more harm than good, that it was not going to help get me what I really wanted and needed - peace.  

Once I established how to cope with the pain and keep the body alive for as long as I could, I stopped focusing on what the body was doing and began looking inward at the mind. The fear of a potential outcome to this health situation gently went away.  I began to relax into what was, instead of fearing what could be. I stopped minding when I gave the reins of this life back to Life and said, "Thy will, not my will, be done!"   I began to truly heal. 

I got to the point in this little life where I truly don't mind what is happening in this body.  I am actually kind of grateful for it because it was those symptoms and that challenging experience that took me inward where the only true healing can take place. Each and every bout took me closer to healing.  It allowed old samskaras to rise to the surface for release. 

"Get to the point where [you not only don't mind] but you like when it comes up."

I remember that, as I feel another bout emerging.  I am not sure I will ever "like" this pain experience lol but I do not mind them. I actually appreciate each and every one for the learning and growing potential they offer, for taking me closer to the peace that I truly want and need.

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (June 30, 2025) How to Stop Minding and Start Living. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZXUW2C3ARc

Overrun by Ladybug Bots

 Learn to love a few pests in your garden. They feed the beneficial predators, creating harmony and balance in the food chain.

Anne Gibson, the Micro Gardner

If this what I do here, is a peony rose, it is being eaten by ladybugs....thousands and thousands of ladybugs. They keep multiplying. The blog stats are showing 30,000 users in 29 days . According to Google I had in the one and two digit category for the month lol. I thought,"Well at least a few are reading". Then I noticed today a zero engagement time going down the list. 

I am not sure if these bots are actually eating up this thing I am trying to quietly grow, if they are harming it all, but man...it is so funny to watch how ego actually pops in to get fed by this "lie of abundance" even though it knows it isn't real. This human I call "me" was actually getting fed by the numbers for a while. It is all so silly...so very silly. 

Maybe it is time to private and print what I have written.  I don't know.

All is well

From self-Esteem to Self-Worth

 Transcendence refers to the very highest and most inclusive or holistic levels of human consciousness, behaving and relating, as ends rather than means, to oneself, to significant others, to human beings in general, to other species, to nature, and to the cosmos.

Abraham Maslow

Hmm! Do you see the evolutionary expansion of consciousness in that quote above? Can you see how the focus expands from relating to the needs of a "little me", to others...than to humans at large, from there to all beings, to nature, and finally to the universe as one? That's yoga. Who would have thought Maslow was a yogi?

Most of us wouldn't consider this "transcendence" as part of the pyramid we might have studied or found ourselves scurrying up. Abraham Maslow, a brilliant humanistic psychologist and anthropologist, devised a hierarchy of needs in his early work. Others have taken those ideas and comprised them in a 5 tiered  pyramid. The pyramid, from bottom to top, looks like this: 1. Basic physiological needs( the needs of the body: food, water, rest, etc.); 2. Safety and security needs (shelter, freedom from violence and physical harm); 3. Love and belonging needs (nurturing, fitting in, being a part of the pack, a sense of being loved and cared for); 4. Esteem needs( respect from others based on status, recognition, prestige, fame and attention, leading to confidence ) and 5. Self-actualization needs (the achievement of 'success' in socially ascribed  roles: Getting a partner, having kids, development of certain talents and abilities that set us apart from others, career; and finally, the pursuit and acheivement of socially approved goals). 

Hmm! It is obviously based on the building and protection of the human body and personality. For that reason, I often had a very challenging time with that pyramid, especially after I began to wake up from that way of being I was once overly attached to. I had a particularly hard time with the fourth tier: Esteem. I can relate my idea of the "redeemer ego" to this tier.  Isn't that what we do with self-esteem building? Build Redeemer egos that others will respect and approve of? Isn't it this approval that allows us to move onto the earlier definition of self-actualization? (Notice that self has a lower case 's').

This esteem building and therefore 'self' building is very comparative, depending on where we rank with others on society's scale of judgement. Yet, this is what most of us ascribe to- seeking this 'esteem' so we can move on to self-actualization by being as "good as" or "better than" others.  The top of this pyramid, we tell ourselves, must be the pinnacle of mental and social health and we pursue it. 

This model, obviously feeds and builds an ego...the psyche, the personality and not the soul. The actualization is of the little 'self', the ego

Few people know, however, that Maslow revisited and revised this model in his later years when he himself began to wake up a bit. He self criticized his earlier perspectives and began to see a little deeper beyond the self to the Self, beyond self-esteem to Self-worth. He saw how we could transcend into a non-comparative relationship with all! 

Many of us would fail miserably on Maslow's earlier criteria.  We would have a hard time pulling ourselves up to the proverbial self-actualization peak. In comparison to others, we would fall short.  I know I would!  I certainly didn't get the esteem and respect from others I sought out to get. I certainly didn't meet the social expectations I set myself against! Despite all my effort to gain "outer world" esteem so I could redeem this "little me", even despite the things I did achieve...I found myself, like some cartoon figure, sliding down the side of the pyramid with nails screeching all the way to the bottom....again and again and again.

When I look beyond self esteem to true Self-worth, my new polestar at the top of another pyramid, I slide down a little less. Thanks to Eckhart Tolle, I am reminded of how my so-called failures to maintain Esteem and self-actualization according to the old model are helping me to gain success according to the new model. 

Awaken to your essence identity...the only true success (all those failures you suddenly realize brought you to the point of awakening...It was all good...It all makes sense...obviously you needed it to awaken...that is success...not what the world tells you. ET

There is always so much challenge in this sense of not measuring up to some social standard, isn't there? We fail to realize, however, that challenge can be the stepping stone needed to take us to the only success that truly matters.

True self worth is not comparative at all.  It comes directly from the being that you are...the sacredness of Life itself. 

Eckhart Tolle

All is well

Eckhart Tolle (June, 2025) Being the Space of Awareness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ttj9sKOROeE

Wikepedia (n.d. ) Maslow's heirarchy of needs. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

Have Fun Now!

 "I will be happy when"...and "I would be happy if..."

Sadhvi Bhagawati Saraswati

I listened to Sadhvi Bhagawati Saraswati be interviewed on the Ranveer Show last evening. She shared the two answers she  received after asking several affluent and succssful Americans if they were happy,

That really made me think.  It is so true that the common idea of happiness is based on conditionality, on an, "If things out there are exactly like I imagine them to be, if they match the checklist I made up in my mind about how Life should be then I will be be happy.  If they do not match then that is the reason I am not happy." 

She also shared that her Guru asked her after she shared her childhood trauma and her subsequent suffering with him, "How long are you going to hold onto that? When will you let it go? On your death bed? A week before your die? A month? "

We identify with our past, especially if it was painful and we cling to it as a part of who we are. Her Guru was telling her we do not have to do that...we are not our past. Infact, we are in completely different bodies than we were in when those traumas occurred. (Cells go through a process of dying off called aptosis and then regenerate. Our bodies are completely changing all the time.) We are not our stories, either. She shared that once she let go of her story to the Ganga she had the experience of giving up her identity (her psyche, her little "me" ness.) She was freed. 

I told myself I was going to write about those ideas today after I listened to Michael Singer.  What did I happen to hear from my chosen podacast this morning?

It doesn't stop.  Unless you do something about it you are going to be neurotic for the rest of your life. 

It was kind of serendipitous that I landed on this podcast today when I had all the above thoughts in my head. This is what I picked up from the podcast. Some of it might be paraphrased.

You having fun yet?

The question isn't if you are going to die...you are...the question is...why are you not having fun now...

Your Life is yours...if you are not careful you will miss it...

You have to decide that you are going to enjoy the Life you have. [not change, fix, and make life the way you want]

Wake up in the morning and be happy that you are still alive. 

Start with appreciation...start by appreciating the body...thank it...

I end every yoga class with "Thank your body for doing an amazing job today" 

[So much beauty and magic in this world] yet we  tend toward the negative...[we fail to see the blessings and good things.]

Look at how miraculous it all is...

Life is not difficult...it is a complete gift you have been given and you do not even have to pedal.

Look at how miraculous it is: We can make noises with our vocal chords so that others understand the meaning of those noises...We  have the dexterity and mental coordination to put keys into little shapes to open doors. We can get into vehicles that humans invented and designed with their brilliant minds, and drive around the country...

We get to meet and get to know  a select few of the 8.5 billion ppl out there and form relationships.We should appreciate and be in awe of that, right? Do we spend our time in the joy of just getting to know someone?

No...instead of getting to know these people we judge and compare them againt a checklist of expectations and wants we made up in our minds i.e. "a friend should be like this; a son should be like that; a mother whould be like this; a husband should be like that" etc. We make up a life in our head and we compare reality against that.  Too often reality falls short on our check off lists. 

Work with yourself to raise your Self.

Remember, "joy and love is my repsonsibility."

Play...have fun...raise yourself with your Self.

Be perpetually present.

[Get to the point ]where the only thing you have to do with your life is share it...

Rise above your negativity.

Hmm! All is well.

Beer Biceps ( June, 2025) Standford Scientist Who Gave Up PHd for Indian Spirituality-Sadhvi Bhagwati.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKnCfr5nshM

Michael Singer/Seats of Contemplation (June, 2025) Doing the Inner Work to Raise Yourself and Appreciate Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCPjED6aL9g

Not Attached to Outcome when Growing a Perfect Rose

 "I really wasn't trying to win the stupid prize...I was just trying to grow a perfect rose."

Michael Singer

Those lines came from Michael Singer's podcast today.  He was using an analogy of how a competitive gardner might approach becoming aware of an imperfection on a rose he/she/they were about to show. The imperfection is there...there is nothing one can do about it but accept ...it just is. The growth comes when we approach the next project with this non-attachment to outcome and we simply enjoy the challenge of growing a perfect rose. Then when the time come sto show and we see the imperfection that disqualifies us we can answer in the above way. We stay free from disturbance. Hmm!

I am trying to grow a perfect rose in the form of my writing. I am challenged and I love the challenge.  I come here to share some valuable learning and I do what I can to fertilize it, water it, give it the right amount of sun, and to make sure the ladybugs are gently removed before they do damage. Sure, I show it ( publish it) but I am not waiting for a blue ribbon. It would be really cool if someone read what I wrote  and said, "Yeah! I get it, crazy lady.  I get what you are sharing." But I don't hold my breath waiting for that.  I am too busy writing. :) 

The blogger stats are telling me that I have had 32,000+ readers/hits/ or whatever you call that which gets registered on the stats page this month so far. Google's numbers, though increased and steady, are much, much lower. I am very happy with Google's numbers. I think it is registering actual and consistent readership.  That is what I "hoped" for when I started...to reach at least one person who might benefit from what I have to offer.  Once I started, however, I put away all attachment to outcome and just got lost in the process. I write whether the stats are showing 32,000 readers/month or 32 or even 3.  

Not sure if the 32,000 is a ladybug infestation on my rose garden lol or simply harmless bot clicks. It doesn't matter, I guess. I keep writing and wondering what Life is going to unfold in front of this human writer I call "me" next. 

It is all so good.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( June 26, 2025) Freedom from Preference: The Evolution of Caring. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA2y3L5laqI

At the Dance

You have a choice ...you are living life or you are fighting it.

Michael A. Singer

"Did you have fun down there?"

Imagine returning to where ever it was we were as consciousness before we came to Earth and being asked that by some loving being with a big, excited, and curious tone in their voice. 

If you were to re-enter that place in the next few minutes, would you answer, 

"Yeah! It was a blast. There was so much to experience. I was scared. I was happy. I laughed. I cried. There was so much beauty and there was so much ugliness to explore.  I met some of  the kindest and most compassionate of people and I als dealt with some evil and pretty nasty behaviors from people. I won some games. I lost some things. I experienced pain. I experienced pleasure. Oh man, it was just incredible. I learned so much! "

Or would you answer,

"Fun? You mean I was supposed to enjoy that place? I was so busy just trying to survive, to get things to go my way I didn't have time to notice most if it, let alone enjoy it. I was supposed to have fun? You sure?" 

Yeah.  We are, I am quite sure now, suppose to enjoy this living thing, to see it all, allow it all, embrace it all, enjoy it all, and love it all.  Hmm! How many of us are doing that?

The world is energy. It wants to blow by you.  It wants to embrace you. It wants to come into you and touch you.

It is a very interesting place this world we live in

It is neither right or wrong...it is fascinating...that is what it is...

Most of us, if we are truly honest, are not enjoying this experience of Life. Why? Because instead of just allowing it we got caught up in trying to fix it, control it, create it...just so we do not get disturbed inside by it. We make this amazing all-encompassing experience of Life into some tiny personal idea we think we can control. It is not ours to control.

 You are a guest ..a sojourner...an observer on the planet earth

We need to learn to step back, first of all, from that which we are all tangled up in.  We are tangled up in our judgements and our ideas of how we assume it all should be.  We ceased to be objective observer and became subjective victims to Life when we judge it or desire that it be a certain way. Instead of living Life...we started resisting it and fighting it.

God is manifesting before you ...each moment...What are you doing? Judging, fighting, struggling, fearing? That's absurd. Participate in it.  That is the true life of a yogi.

Become the objective observer again.

Now...Singer often talks about going being this stage. He talks about going from objective observer to joyful participant. He uses the analogy of Life as a dance. In order to participate in this dance...the way we are meant to... we need to go through different growth stages. 

 I imagine a self-proclaimed "social-phob" desensitizing themselves by first seeing how long they can stay at a crowded dance with lots of people, and loud noises etc.  They don't have to do anything...they can just sit there but they have to be in the environment the dance is taking place in.  At first maybe they can only walk into the gym before running away...that's a step.  Then they sit for half an hour in a dark corner...that's a step.  Then they sit for an hour...another progressive step. Next, they sit for the whole dance.  They stay for the whole dance without running away. Now, that's a big step. 

Sure, it might be uncomfortable.  They might jump back when the music or the lighting changes.  They may get all red faced with a thumping heart when someone comes over to talk to them or worse ...they may feel an anxiety attack coming on when the bullies call them a name...but they stay. At first they will be pretty self-focused on their own anxiety and discomfort.  They really won't be doing much observing of the culture around them. Any observations they make will likely be very subjective.  

 Still, they keep coming to the dance and sitting through it, observing their own discomfort and then they begin to observe how they act according to that discomfort.  They see how the internal discomfort is being triggered by something at the dance, and how that leads to a reaction. They might then begin to become aware of and be able to observe the triggers that increase that discomfort. They have less significance because they seem to just be the middle player between their reactions and what is taking place inside them. They begin to look a little more "out there".  Then they look and notice other things that do not trigger them.  They begin to look at the dance experience with more objective eyes. 

Next thing you know, they are bringing notebooks to the dance and are recording what they are observing.  The dance seems to have a bit of a purpose to it now. They even begin to realize that they enjoy observing and recoding.  They observe themselves.  They observe the others and how they seem to be reacting to stimuli. They are noticing patterns that are similar yet different between everyone. They get more and more curious about these patterns. They observe more, record more...This dance though it still might be scary is kind of interesting even. They start to enjoy it even. They look down to realize that they are even tapping along to the music. They are still in the background observing. By no means do they want to be on the dance floor at this point. They are, however, becoming less reactive when things happen, when things don't go their way, when it gets extra uncomfortable.

"Just write in your book...wow! Look what they did next ...write it down in your anthropology book.".

They are not necessarily having fun at this point, but they are getting less disturbed with every dance they observe and semi-participate in. They begin to accept the crowds, the lighting, the music and where they are at in it.  It is all kind of interesting to them now. They do not feel the urge to get up and run out like they used to.  They can sit here for longer and longer periods.

That is until the teacher, Life, tells them they are ready for the next stage.  "It's time to come out of the shadows and onto the dance floor."

The whole desensitization process begins again...step by step, but by bit. 

Spend some time in the Self in this transcendence...then try participating in it...instead of observing...dance with it.

Eventually...

Eventually you can be in life, and not only does it not bother you...you dance with it. 

They slowly go from objective observer to joyful participant in the dance of Life. 

When we learn to simply move with the music, to go where Life takes us without resistance or struggle then we learn what fun is.

Hmm! I want to have some fun in this lifetime.  Don't you?

All is well

Seat of Contemplation ( June, 2025) Michael Singer-Dance with Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1ajKchZml4

Anthropologist?

Anthropology demands an open-mindedness with which one must look and listen, record in astonishment and wonder that which one would not have been able to guess.

Margaret Mead

Isn't that how we should approach Life?

An Anthropologist

I suddenly realize a way to describe to myself and others why I am here doing what I do. Though I am not big on labels, I discovered one that fits this role I have taken on. If "I am" can be at least loosely linked to anything rather than what it is, I am an anthropologist.

An anthropologist, crazy lady??!! 

Yeah! An anthropologist is a person who objectively observes a culture from a detached, non-judgemental, and non-interfering stand-point. They observe, analyze and record how a certain society is behaving and how it works.  That is what I am doing here...I am like an anthropologist plopped down into this jungle of Earth to observe the inhabitants and how they relate to each other and the world at large, how they relate to Life. Of course, I am not completely non-bias in my approach.  The lens through which I view this culture is my own mind. My coming here to write is my recording. The publication of this blog and my videos are simply the sharing of what I discovered. It sounds so much cooler and more scientific when I describe what I do here like that. lol

The thing is, we are all anthropologists on the same mission to some extent.  At least that is the first part of our mission here on Earth: to observe.  Of course, most of us forget the instruction and training we had prior to coming. "Stay objective; do not interfere; simply observe; participate only if you can stay non judgemental. It is not within your professional or ethical mandate to change anything that you are observing.  Simply record it and bring it back".

Wow! Not many of us follow those instructions, do we?  We lose our objectivity and get personally involved. We get way too involved. We judge!! Whenever we judge, whatever we are observing, as "bad, wrong, shouldn't be", whenever these judgements make us feel uncomfortable inside, we decide we need to change the life we are observing, fix it, or control it. We begin to shape the Life of that culture we were simply meant to observe so it suits our own personal needs. 

People don't want to experience life ...they want to create life [control life]

We go from an objective observer who finds it all so interesting and new, to a subjective intruder who constantly personally gets disturbed. We go from being an interested scientist to a "little me"who  judges, likes and dislikes, resists and struggles against this Life they have no business interfering in. Hmm!

I just sat down with a Michael Singer podcast this morning and it blew me away.  I have been listening to Michael Singer for oh so many years now through the Temple of the Universe and though I truly appreciate those teachings or sharings (whatever you call them), to be honest they were seemingly getting a little redundant in the message. Though I still love them, I wasn't getting blown away!! Anyway, I happened across this video from "Contemplative Mind" and I heard the same but different message uttered in a way that resonated. It brought me to tears actually because it reminded me, at a time I was slipping into a state of disenchantment, of why and what I am practicing and hoping to achieve through my practice. 

What am I trying to achieve that was echoed in the message?

This state of equanimity...this state of peace no matter what is happening around me or to me....this relaxing into whatever unfolds in front of me...this allowing of Life to be Life and appreciating and observing  it all in a state of awe without any disturbance, without this sense of " reactive suffering" I have been living with for so long.  

Sure, yoga teaches more than how not to get disturbed by Life...it is a polestar to a higher level of being where one not only allows Life to be Life without getting disturbed by it but also participates in it fully and joyfully. For now, however, I am content with resuming my role as anthropologist who is simply observing this new culture of humanity I am exploring. I am content with disentangling myself from the subjective interference I was partaking in that was leading to so much unnecessary suffering for me and those I am observing. I am content with falling back into my role as objective observer.  I am content with objectively scribbling down my notes in my research book. I am content with not getting disturbed and scared by every rustle of wind, or person who jumps in front of me. I am content with letting go of the worry and fear over what will happen next.  I am content with discovering that I can stay here and observe without wanting to change any of it; without wanting to run away and hide.  I am content with suddenly realizing how interesting it all is from this position of observer.

This is where I am at in my practice. I am returning to one of the missions we were sent here to do. 

A Mission?

That was the first thing we were here to do,  right? To objectively observe this fascinating and interesting world from a place of non-judgemental acceptance of what is? Therefore, the first step we must take to return to our life mission is to step back and away...to become the objective observer again. We need to stop resisting, stop controlling, stop trying to fix that which we have no business judging, let alone changing, and just observe. We need to allow Life to be Life and see how beautiful it is with all its joys and all its sorrows. Sigh! So much suffering would end if we could just do that! 

You are here to observe, experience, see, enjoy, appreciate and be in awe that in the middle of space there is this [the planet Earth]. There is all this going on and you get to experience it. You should be honored that you get to see it. 

Everything that is happening is fascinating. Do not ask, "What can I create?  What can I control? What can I do?"...Ask, "Can I be joyful no matter what is happening around me?" ...

Just another experience that goes on on the planet Earth....

Life is just a series of events that happen to you before you die.

We get to see it!  We get to observe it! Experience it! As an anthropologist we get to do what I am doing...record it for posterity's sake. Man, that alone is enough reason to practice, is it not? Isn't this role as objective observer a better way of being than the role of "judgemental interferer in a culture we do not understand." Who are we kidding? We don't understand Life and what it is doing! We do not understand humanity! Why, then, do we judge it? Why then do we think we need to fix it??? 

Now...Singer often talks about going being this stage. He talks about going from objective observer to joyful participant. I would like some day to put away my binoculars and recording devices and step into the culture I am observing...to become a part of what it is in its natural form. I would like to dance around the fire too...getting lost in the music and the joy of Life doing so creates. i want to someday go beyond observing Life to dancing with it. Sigh! 

Eventually you can be in life, and not only does it not bother you...you dance with it. 

For now, however, I am more than content observing this amazing thing I get to observe and being able to share my research findings with you. It is so cool to get to be able to record with astonishment and wonder that which one would not have been able to guess.

All is well! 

Seats of Contemplation (June, 2025) Michael Singer-Dance with Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1ajKchZml4

Hearing the Voice in the Head

You are not the voice in your head but the one that hears it

Unknown

Sometimes, I just catch myself here doing what I do and a little voice begins to chirp inside my head, "What the heck are you doing, crazy lady? You just keep writing and talking, writing and talking, writing and talking about things you do not completely understand or that you might not even have a "right" to talk about. You are not a Hindu or a Buddhist...yet you are often sharing or quoting teachings and scriptures...who are you to do that? You are not an "iniatiated" yogi and claim that you never want to be...yet how can you talk about the true essence of yoga if you aren't? You say you aren't here as a teacher but you are lecturing to the unseen world as if you were standing in front of a class again. You are not yet awake...far from it...yet you talk about awakening. You just go on and on about this stuff creating some type of "image" for yourself even though you keep saying it isn't about image. You talk about the con and the cult leader who draw people into these teachings for their own selfish egoic reasons? Are you absolutely sure you are free of ego on this platform doing whatever this crazy nonsense is you are doing?  

And all I can say to that voice in my head is, "I really don't know why I am here and I truly, truly hope it has nothing to do with my ego!"  Then I bow my head in embarrassment and shame and I keep going.  I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind. 

Sometimes, it all seems so crazy!! That inner critic keeps going. 

"You are doing this 'sharing' on a public platform!  Even though you say you do not publicize what you do here or on youtube...you do click the "public" and the "publish"option. Even though the audience is not visibly right in front of you, you know that means you are exposing yourself to random people. Even people you know from work and social circles could see you and hear you speak about these things that are not universally accepted, right? They could think you are pretty strange and even dangerous possibly. That judgement could lead to problems in your personal and semi-professional life. You know that right?" 

I answer again, "I know, I know...I try not to think about it and to see myself standing in the shadows of obscurity when I do this...but I know I am exposing this person I call "me" to public scrunity. I am not sure this "me" is ready for that scrunity. I hesitate everytime the mouse hovers over the  "Publish" and "Public" options but I still click.  I don't know why but I do....but I do" Then, I bow my head in embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I keep sharingwhat I am learning from observing my own mind. 

The voice in my head is relentless. 

"Like really...who wants to hear about this stuff from a "crazy old lady" anyway? Who are you to share this stuff? You'll never be a social influencer. Besides, do you think you actually have the answers to Life's most pressing problems? Come on...look at your own life.  It is a mess. Yet, you think you can help people get their lives in order?" 

I answer with a little more strength, "I am not trying to be a social influencer. I am not trying to help other people get their lives in order. I am simply sharing so I can make sense of the mess in my own life/mind and I share what I am learning in hope that what I learn might help another." Then I bow my head with a little less embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind.

 "So you are just using this platform as a therapy session?  You are "airing your dirty laundry",  boring hundreds of readers and listeners with your petty little problems just because it makes you feel better to vent and get attention for your problematic life? Maybe you are trying to create some story of yourself as a tragic heroine? "

I answer again, this time with less assertiveness, " My deeper intention for sharing is that I am seeing that all so called problems are "universal" more so than personal and that therefore so is the solution. I think it may be beneficial for others to recognize that in the so called problems of another's life.  But yes, I vent here and sometimes ego gets something from my venting about my  little 'personal problems'. I wish it didn't but it does. I do want ego to be diminished and out of this sharing experience but it is obviously still hanging around." Then, I bow my head with embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I share what I am learning from observing my own mind.  

This inner voice will not shut up !!

"So you think you have the "better way of being"? People much smarter than you have been exploring that idea for centuries and centuries and you think you have the answer? You think your way is the best way?"

 "I am not saying that "my" way is the better way. Not saying that I..as a personality and personal mind...know much about anything.  If you were to listen or read what I have written you would know that. When I say I am learning a better way of being...it is for this human I call me.  I share because if it helps this "me" to crumble away a bit...maybe it will help other egos to get out of the way of the "better being".  And then again...maybe it won't. I don't know. I am just learning. I have also studied long and hard so many teachings that date right back to the first writings...I am not proposing those are "my" teachings. I am simply sharing what I am learning from them. " Then, I bow my head with much less embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind.

Trying to get the last word in that persistent voice goes on"Ahh...I have more to say..."

I...that which is hearing it all go down, interupts  with "Okay, do what you do but I think I am done listening." Then I bow my head with some degree of remaining embarrassment and shame and I keep going.  I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind. 

Hmm! Not sure where that came from lol.

All is well! 

Simply Attempting to Share Thinking about a Better Way of Being

It is the clash of thought, the differentiation of thought, that awakes thought.

Vivekananda 

I am by no means a spiritual teacher. I see myself as a "thinker" who simply  shares her thinking. To confuse us all, that "thinking" is often about the need to get beyond the "thinker".  Some would call this sharing of thought-teaching. 

If I 'teach' anything here it is not a philosophy or a religious or spiritual practice...I am not purposefully  teaching 'esoterism'.  I am not intending to teach about "transcendence" or "tramsmutation of energy". I am not intending to teach about consciousness, presence, spirit, or even "God". I do not have the knowledge or expertise to do that.

 My conscious purpose is not even to 'teach' about mindfulness and meditation or  about yoga, though I have pieces of paper to say I can teach about these things to some degree and I refer to both practices often. I am not teaching. I am simply thinking out loud through my learning. All I am trying to learn and then share is the most practical thing there is...a better and healthier way of being. Sigh!

Enlightenment or awakening, I strongly believe,  really isn't "complicated woo-woo" meant only for the 'spiritual seeker', no matter how it sounds.   It is the most simple and practical thing there is...meant for all of us. If we strip all the conceptualization or preconceived notions about "awakening" away we can see it in its simple, unpretentious form.

 All of us come from both an individual and also a collective background.  We all have a unique way of thinking and understanding because of this. 

...we are all looking at truth from different standpoints, which vary according to our birth, education, surroundings, and so on. We are viewing truth, getting as much of it as these circumstances will permit, colouring the truth with our own heart, understanding it with our own intellect, and grasping it with our mind. We can only know as much of truth as is relate dto us, as much of it as we are able to receive. This makes teh difference between man and man, and occassions sometimes even contradictory ideas; yet we all belong to the same great universal truth.

This thinking and attempting to understand truth, to me, is spirituality. (If I had to define spirituality). It isn't woo-woo. I see more psychology, philosophy, science, and practical wisdom in what I am learning, practicing, and sharing than I do anything "woo-woo".  Through my speaking and writing (that I do not refer to as 'teaching')...I am simply sharing how I, and at the same time gently encouraging you, to examine the  mind to learn what works in making humans feel unconditionally peaceful no matter what is happening to them and around them. I am sharing what I have discovered doesn't work.  That's it! If that is "woo-woo" to the majority, I guess I am "woo-woo". 

I am not a teacher! I am definitely not a spiritual leader or guru. I am not trying to "lure" you in.  I am not trying to convince you to believe what I am sharing. There is little to no ego motivation on my part for being here. (At least, I am hoping there isn't. I truly see now that the route to truth exists without the ego.). I don't think my way ( if I dare  attach a 'my' to it) is the only way to truth. I know that:

...any attempt to bring all humanity to one method of thinking in spiritual things has been a failure and always will be a failure.

If anything, I want you to strongly question everything I have to say and discover for yourself what I am discovering. I am not asking you to come into my laboratory (of 'soul research' as Yoganada referred to it) to trust the validity of my experiment findings...I am asking you to go into your own and experiment for yourself.

Anyway. after watching yet another cult show I felt the need to write that lol. (What is up with this fascination I have with cults? Cra-cra! lol) I fear that any sharing of my learning I do may be misconstrued as having an ulterior purpose.

Please know that I am not saying that I have discovered "the" way, only that I am discovering "a" way. I share it because I naturally feel compelled to. But what do I know??

All is well. 

Vivekananda (2.6.5 The Way to the Realization of a Universal Religion/ Practical Vedanta and other Lectures/ Complete Works/Kindle)

From Individual Embarrassment to Collective Shame

 

We are often afraid of looking at our shadow because we want to avoid the shame or embarrassment that comes along with admitting mistakes.

Marianne Williamson

Big, long ramble yesterday...big, long 'contemplation'  because I was trying to make sense of what I was thinking and feeling.  I was trying to distract from the feeling of it through thinking. Simply put...I was super embarrassed over the possibilities of what I said and did under sedation (I have this strong gut feeling that I got 'weird' lol and as I have expressed before 'weird' is a trigger for me. I also fear I might have offended others)...but I couldn't leave it at simple. My mind needed to "explain" it...analyze it...look deeply into it...rationalize it all in an attempt to minimize the 'feeling' of it. 

Embarrassment is an uncomfortable experience. As social animals needing to belong to a pack for safety and security reasons, as well as having a need for love and belonging, (Maslow), we often fear, not being accepted by the pack or outright 'rejected' by doing something that goes against the norm. It surprises me after all my practice that this fear is still so prevalent in this human I call me. 

Though I feel myself less and less concerned about maintaining the good opinion of others, I still fear coming off as "weird". The conditioning is still there. For that reason, I don't like not being in control of my faculties and behaviours in front of others. The fact that I am worried must mean I have spent way too much time and energy trying to hold an image or persona together and have things inside I may have even hidden from myself that I fear will come out. Many of us want to maintain that control don't we, to keep our personas intact for protective purposes. This requires a great deal of focus and effort. One of the reasons, I suppose, why we get so egoic and self-focused at the expense of everything else around us.

Sometimes we can put things into perspective by widening our lens and expanding our view-point. 

Here, I was focusing so narrowly on my embarrassment, writing big, long spiels to rationalize and minimize the discomfort for this "little me", when bombs were being sent back and forth between Israel and Iran. Whatever I might have said or done in those few moments I wasn't in control of my person (less than a blink of an eye in eternity) is nothing (just hope I never hurt or offended anyone else) compared to the actions the USA/Israel took, in another blink of an eye. The consequences of those actions will go well beyond " potential social rejection" and a bit of embarrassment, won't they? 

So, we see the consequences of a little ego in this human I call me- a few days of obsessive worry and embarassment as it tries to explain itself. And we await the consequences of a collective ego that spent centuries trying to maintain an image of itself as being powerful and in control. What will those consequences be?- a few months to years of war? Is that collective ego obsessing and worried about what they might have done as they rationalize and explain? Are they embarrassed too? Or are they utterly ashamed for their "social deviance" and the way they have hurt the global social pack?

I must remember not to "judge" ...I must remember it is all just human behaviour playing out on some stage. I have to look past it all to God.

If one millionth part of the men and women who live in this world simply sit down and for a minute say, "You are all God, O ye men and O ye animals and living beings, you are all manifestations of the one living Deity!" the whole world will be changed in half an hour. Vivekananda

 Hmm! How I ramble?

All is well. 

Beyond the Judgement of "Weird" and "Social Deviant"

 Seeking the face of God in everything, in everyone, all the time, and His hand in every happening; This is what it means to be contemplative in the heart of the world. 

Mothere Teresa

So, let's clarify: that means to be truly contemplative we seek God in everyone, everything and every happening. Even in those individuals and those actions that are considered socially deviant? 

Social Deviant? What does that mean?

According to the AI overview on Google:

Social deviance refers to behaviour that violates social norms which can range from minor violations of informal rules to serious crimes. It's not just about being different; its about actions that illicit negative social reactions and potentially challenge the established norms of society. Deviance is often relative and can change over time and across different cultures. 

I have been thinking a lot about social deviance lately...about those actions that illicit negative social reactions. I find myself in situations where I might be eliciting negative social reactions. Sometimes, I wonder if I am given socially embarassing or shaming challenges (or manifesting such challenges from my own fear) for a higher purpose. Am I supposed to experience the not so pleasant condemnation from society that most of us, including "me", would curl away from for a reason I do not yet understand? Am I slipping into the role of "judged" so I can see the unskillful and unwholesome nature of my role as "judge"?  

I may be  hearing, watching documentaries on, or thinking about the consequences of socially deviant behaviours ...judging others for such behaviours...seeing the social sanctions dumped on these individuals (criticism, ostracization, condemnation, ridicule, public humiliation, legal repercussions etc.) and finding myself acting as judge and jury by telling myself the consequences received for such actions are so deserving. Am I meant to learn something from my own judgement tendencies? That could be the case. Maybe I am meant to put aside my judgements, my dualistic tendency to distinguish 'judge' from 'judged', 'right' from 'wrong', and to see God beneath it all?  

There is a thin line, if a line at all, between judged and judge, isn't there?

As soon as I catch myself judging and condemning another...I immediately find myself becoming so fearful that somehow, I might get mistakenly categorized into that mix of those I am judging...that I too may be judged in a similar way for whatever reason, that I too may be punished for my social sins.  The behaviours and judgements under the label of "social deviant" range from partaking in abnormal quirks that might receive a "weird" comment (that I likely commit from time to time) to the most outlandish of things I know I would never partake in. Yet, I find myself questioning with every judgement I make on another..."What if they think I would do such a thing and judge me as a "weird" or "awful" person too?" 

Such judgement, such fear, all built around the dualistic model of what is right and what is wrong in our society.  I have been conditioned from my past experiences to be shame-based and have thus found myself on a life-long search for redemption. "I must stay on the "right" side of society's moral line...and I cannot, by any means, inch my toes over onto the "wrong" side. I must be seen by others as belonging on this "right" side because I couldn't handle the negataive social reactions (judgement and punishment that is the consequence) for slipping onto the other side: more shame.  I must be (or appear to be) good." "Good", of course, is non deviant. I must be "normal". I must please others.

Like many, I try to create and maintain a non deviant social persona for the purposes of , not only safety, but for love and belonging. I try to control my actions, my speech, and my thoughts to match society's moral expectations.

Though social and legal sanctions on our behaviour are so important in ensuring order and the well being of the vulnerable members of our society...though some behaviours have to understandably be  sanctioned with strong legal consequences: abuse, violence, any type of threat to a minor...the social judgement received, for these offenses, can be even harsher than that received by a court of law. There are also other behaviours that are shamed and judged harshly socially even if they are not judged in a court.  I think we fear the social judgement more so than we fear the legal. We fear being or appearing socially deviant. We fear being or appearing "weird". We do what we can to avoid such a label.

The effort, self control and energy required to avoid these judgements and "appear" a certain way can be crazy making. Our fear of disapproval can lead to a tendency to create false personas, to hide a need for healing, to keep secrets, and to pretend. This behaviour control is not necessarily natural to the higher parts of us.  This persona creation is not necessarily real, authentic, and attainable.  This need to please society is not necessarily healthy. And the fear of displeasing others or failing to meet society's expectations of us can be self destructive. (Thinking of the person who starves themself to meet some social standard for how they assume they should look or be, or the person who denies their own physical and emotional needs to "please" others or most sadly, the person suffering with mental illness who refuses to seek help because of the stigma of being "abnormal" and succumbs to their illness.) 

We fear the judgement of others more so than we fear the repercussions of the law or the loss of our own well being. Though legal sanctions keep society in line, that fear of "other" judgement can do more harm than good. Social judgement can do more harm than good. Social shaming can be heart and mind destroying. It and the socially imposed label "deviant" may be counter productive to the creation and maintenance of a healthy society.  I believe without that shame, without that judgement-fear, the majority would still do what was right, and good, but with that shame, with that judgement and the fear of that judgement society gets a bit warped, creating more social deviance. 

What has this got to do with you, crazy lady?

As soon as I judge someone as being "weird" or "socially deviant", especially when I erroneously believe they deserve my condemnation, and judgement and ostracization from society....I am whopped with a dose of intense fear that comes from this realization that that could be me standing there receiving the judgement from society.  

"All but for the Grace of God go I". 

I, too, say and do "weird" things all the time. I know I would not partake in many of the more outlandish and terrible behaviours or crimes that receive harsher judgement ...I could never purposefully hurt another, ...yet, I fear that I could still unintentionally hurt or offend someone, or that others will incorrectly assume I am capable of committing such offenses against society. I fear the judgement so much so that I work extra hard not to receive it. I need to maintain control not to challenge the established norms.

Anyway, that requires a constant and exhausting "control" over mental faculties and behaviours.  What happens, however, when we no longer have that control...when it is taken from us by a substance? Many people wake up after an alcohol binge wondering what they might have said or did, worrying about this social judgement they may be worthy of receiving. Alcohol lowers their inhibitions, and they say and do things they normally wouldn't do. They feel intense shame and remorse over the possibility of what they may have said or did, even before they remember. I don't drink more than two glasses of wine at a time, partially for that reason. I fear publicly doing something that would label me as "weird" or a "social deviant". I fear that shame experience.

Well, I had IV sedation during my oral surgery and now I find myself in the shame-experience, "worrying" about what I said or did. Though, I do not remember anything, I am so convinced I did or said something that was totally inappropriate, "weird" or "socially deviant" and that I am being judged by others. I went into the experience with an idea of what would be the most embarrassing and shameful thing I could do and this fear that I might do it. I feared that I would step over the moral line onto the "weird" and "social deviant" side.  Now, I am convinced I did.   Man, I have stuffed and stored so much stuff within me over the last few years that I have been dealing with, so many "secrets" in the form of samskaras I have yet to deal with, I fear that on top of my inappropriate and bizarre behaviour I let them all out in one slurry ramble. I don't remember what happened but somehow, I know the "weird" came out...and I am trying to deal with the shame and the embarrassment. 

I catch myself wondering constantly what "social sins" I have committed in those moments I wasn't in control. I wonder obsessively what social reaction and judgement I am receiving. The focus is intense so I know there is so much learning in it. 

 I am now questioning if this happened to show me the errors of my ways when it comes to judging others. It took me from the position of 'judge' and put me in the position of the judged. Judged or judge ...doesn't matter.  When we think in terms of non duality there is no distinction. In fact, there is neither judge or judged.

I have no idea what I did or didn't do in those 30-45 minutes I was not in control but regardless I am reminded of the "fear" and the "shame" that comes with judgement. Part of my learning, possibly, is to sit with this fairly common human experience of shame and fear...to accept it, look deeply into it, be with it and let it and all the samskaras it is tied to go, once and for all. It is a part of the human experience. Somehow, we need to learn to see shame and fear, and the behaviour that induced it, as something we observe, not what we or others are. Through this, I was somehow encouraged to view all behaviour...no matter how strange or how gruesome ...as just that... human behaviour.  It isn't who we are.  

This can remind us all to look beyond behaviour to the God that is in all of us, including the "weird" and the "social deviant."

I wish that everyone of us had come to such a state that even in the viliest of human beings we could see the Real Self within, and instead of condemning them say, "Rise thou effulgent one, rise thou who are always pure, rise thou birthless and deathless, rise almighty, and manifest thy true nature. These little manifestations do not befit thee."

Imagine if we could look at "the viliest" actions and see them as simply something that didn't suit the being within the human who was committing them? Or as the Buddhists say...as simply being 'unskillful'. 

This is the one prayer, to remember our true nature, the God who is always within us, thinking of it always as infinite, almighty, ever good, ever-beneficient, selfless, bereft of all limitations.

If we have this prayer for those condemned for the most intense forms of "social deviance" surely we can we recall it and aim it our selves too. We can use that prayer to help us remember who we are beneath our imperfections, when we do the little "weird" and "embarrassing" things humans tend to do.

All is well. 

Vivekananda (n.d. but from speech delivered in 1896) 2.6.4. Practical Vedanta: Part 4/ Complete Works/ Kindle

 Happy International Yoga day!!

Time Passing

 Time will pass regardless of what you chose to do; its up to you how you use it.

Dr Sue Morter

How are you using the time you have?

 

This shot was taken over 15 years ago...it seems like yesterday. So much has happened in this Life since the time I pressed teh shutter release button down.  I have done so much. 

All is well!

Observing Growth in Challenging Times

 

Spiritual development is not an accomplishment but a way of life. It is an orientation that brings its own rewards, and what is important is the direction of one's motives.

David R. Hawkins 

Finally had my oral surgery and all is well.  I have minimal swelling, and pain. No bleeding ( Never thought to go off my aspirin until Monday...guess it was long enough :)).  And...most importantly... I am still here.  Whenever I have a procedure that requires stong sedation or anethesia...I tend to worry a bit.  My heart doesn't seem to like it and I often dip into ST depression which becomes obvious to those monitoring.  I also do this tachy/brady thing and my BP can hit the floor. I usually recover from it quickly enough but I worry just a bit before they put me under. I will prepare people with..."if...just in case this should happen..." I mean that worry is minimal. Every time I am about to go under I remind myself that "what will be will be." I find great peace in that. I also worried a bit about the valve issue  I have and the possibility of an IE (Infective Endocarditis...bacteria that comes from extensive dental procedures loves a faulty heart valve and can do some damage) and because I was on medictaion for my osteoporosis...knew I was at a higher risk of ostenecrois of the jaw ( not a pretty thing to have)...so those were on my mind but not as much as one would think.  "What will be , will be" filled my mind and my heart. I was ready to accept it all. As for the pain I was told I would have postop...not a problem either. The prospect of physical pain doesn't scare me too much. I have had lots of experience with that over the years and have found a way to use it as part of my practice. So, it is all so very good. 

I like to see how much I have grown as I reflect on my handling of these semi-challenging experiences Life provides. It is pretty awesome...this "I" beneath the "me" is pretty awesome. I have grown so much.I can stay calm and peaceful in so mnay "big" situations.  That being said I might still freak out...just a bit...if someone drinks the last bit of milk I need for my tea :) 

All is well.

Weird?

 Weird: very strange and unusual, unexpected, unnatural.

Cambridge Dictionary

"Weird!" is a word that always triggered me. I have had a life long fear of being seen as different, of standing out enough to be be noticed in the not so nice way, of not being like the others, of disturbing and causing waves. I always knew I was different in so many ways...I seen things differently, my heart picked up and felt things differently, and my mind worked differently than those around me. I spent my life trying to squish the different down, to be like others so I wasn't seen as "weird!" I was very, very sensitive to and triggered by that word. 

I am done with that I think.  I want to embrace what it is about my thinking and feeling and percieving that is so different from the masses. It is pretty cool. 

I want that word "weird" to get past my resistance and trigger whatever is left of that internal wounding so that it can finally be released. I want to be free of that which blocks the energy that carries  no differences, no judgement, no distinction in it. Bring it on! Call me "weird!" if you need to.:) 

All is well! 

Hearing in Silence

 In silence you hear what the soul wants to say

Gaur Gopal Das

I listend to this podcast today and really got pulled in to the wisdom of this Indian monk. The topic was on silence...on the wisdom of filling that space between stimulus and response with precious healing silence rather than reactivity and emotion. 

Though I often speak of this, I could never have said what he said so eloquently. So, these are some words of his I scribbled down as I was listening but please listen for yourself. 

• Noise Distracts Silence connects.
• A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep

• Silence is not your weakness...it is your quiet armour
• Silence is about creating space...it builds bridges where noise builds walls
• It is the one who listens deeply who speaks the most powerfully.
• Silence gives weight to words
• The inner voice whispers...it doesn't shout
• If we listen beyond the volume, we might find compassion rather than offence.
• Silence can fill that space between stimulus and response beautifully.
• Silence isn't inaction...it is preparation.
• Respond with maturity
• Don't let emotions hijack your character
• Silence is not ignoring the storm; it is choosing not to become the storm.
• There is immense dignity in restraint.
• Sometimes silence and space are the most healing responses.
• Stop bleeding for someone who wouldn't even hand you a bandaid.
• When your mental health is suffering...when your joy is being drained... it is time to leave the room. Take the walk. 
• I do not need to be understood to be at peace...
• Silence and walking away are sacred boundaries... they [the individuals who partakes in these choices] realize their Light is not a tool for someone else's darkness
• "I respect myself too much to stay in places that don't."
• Silence gives you time to respond with wisdom rather than act with emotion.
• A single sentence spoken in anger can create wounds that take years to heal or never heal at all.
• We need to learn to allow silence to become our first response.
• Speech should be meaningful, purposeful, kind. "Will I be proud of these words tomorrow?"
• Silence is not the absence of strength;it is the presence of it. 
• [Silence allows us to consider in a hetaed situation if we are  compromising or abandoning our truth.]
• Eveything you need to know ,you already know...It is buried within...and silence is the shovel.

All is well.

Love Guru (June 16, 2025) Silence is Sometimes the Loudest Strength. /Gaur Gopal Das/ Best Motivational Speech https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DNHQQCvszI

Blasphemy or Ego's Hold?

 

Your ego is where God should be.

Michael A. Singer

Do you believe that statement?

I remember hearing this many times from Wayne Dyer:

E.G.O= Edging God Out

I have come to see that we are either experiencing Life through ego or through God. Most of us are experiencing Life through ego because we are conditioned to do so. 

I don't think we can experience God (in whatever way that Truth becomes the 'felt experience' for us) as long as we are focusing on this little "ego" that is never okay, and that is constantly telling us we need to get to someplace up there in the future where "everything good"  is to be okay.  Yet, when we try to "get to this somewhere", "doing" what we need to do...we do not get anywhere. 

Why? Ego is in the way. And you know what the conditioned ego tells us? "Goodness/joy/peace/love (=God )is way over there and you are here...you are this "seperate, little me" and God is something so grand you can never get too close even though it is your human mission to do so". 

Kind of mixed messaging, isn't it?  "It is your duty in this life time to return to God and all that is 'good' but you can not really return because God is too far away both physical distance wise and hierarchy wise." 

Is this truth?

First of all, I see clearly now that we never left God and we couldn't if we tried. We were just conditioned to believe we did. We  use this amazing consciousness to create this distance between God and us. We use this amazing consciousness that is God to make this seperation and to shine it down on ego. We are, in a sense, edging God out to focus on ego. 

Why do we do that? Ego is absolutely nuts and will never be okay, never! As long as we focus on ego, seeing it as who we are, our insides will be a mess. We will be constantly trying to protect it, defend it, build it up, listen to it, do its bidding etc.  Man, it is crazy.

The consciousness is addicted to staring at the mind, the body, the emotions and the tiny, tiny bit of the universe you get to experience.

But we have come to believe it is better to live as sick little egos than  it is to recognize that God is not 'over there' but 'in here'. We think our focus on ego is the "holy" thing to do- that we are suppose to see ourselves as pitiful little bodies and personalities that need to worship and revere something that is so far from us in distance and grandeur. If we dare think we are not removed from God, that we are Sat Chit Ananda (existence, consciousness, and bliss), then we are being blasphemous! 

Blasphemy? 

What is that? We are said to be blasphemous when we profanely insult God.  It is a word often heard in religion. It is a word I have been thinking a lot about lately.

I also heard  it yesterday when I was watching yet another cult show (a bit addicted). There is a recording of Jim Jones saying to his followers who he literally detained at Jonestown, "You want to leave here? That is blaspehmy!! Blaspehmy!!"

Did these people who wanted to leave their imprisonment insult God, do you think?  Or did they insult  the very unwell ego of the leader that was holding all their passports? Is blaspemy about ego or God?  Isn't it only an ego that can be insulted?  Do you really believe God has an ego that can be insulted? I don't.

Are we insulting God, then, when we recognize the Ananda body within us...knowing it isn't out there but within us...hidden underneath ego? Are we insulting God when we remove our attention from this self made construct-the sick personality- and place it back on that holy place within? Is it really blasphemous to recognize who we are?  Or is it just the egos of others who throw that word around in fear we will abandon their egos and our own?  Is "blasphemy" ego's word or God's? 

"I am this little thing!"

..."You are not. You are staring at this tiny little thing."

We are staring at the wrong thing. Ego has photo bombed too many of our moments thus far by jumping in in front of God with words like "blasphemy".  We need to take this amazing light of consciousness and look beyond the ego to what is there, was there, and always will be there.  That is where we should be focusing our lens. Ego is going to jump around in the forefront causing all kinds of noise and distraction.  We don't have to beat it up or yell at it to get it out of the way.  We do not punish it for doing what we created it to do. We simply say, "I have already got so many great shots of you Ego, thank you.  Now would you stand over there while I continue my shoot. It's time to shoot the backdrop...the landscape...the sky...the background that contains all there is. " We put and keep our focus there.

Hmmm!

I did up this video a day or so ago, ironically at a time when I was pondering the word, "blaspemy."

All is well in my world.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( June 16, 2025) The Addiction to Self: Breaking Free of the Ego's Hold. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-_FU0O_GbE&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

A Greater Benefit?

 Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.

Napoleon Hill

Almost 15,000 views this month? I don't think so lol. Maybe a few a day which I am very grateful for ...thank you... but certainly not the 500 plus the stats page is showing. This blog, and me as the writer of it, remain obscure. I should entitle my blog, "Obscurely Waking Up in a Busy World!"

The thing is I am okay with obscurity...I really am!  Sometimes, as I have often mentioned, I prefer it. My waking up is something I may feel compelled to share but I certainly do not want to broadcast it. Notorieity is not my end goal here and either is making it rich. Still, I feel the need to share as I learn, and to learn as I share. Even if there is not one reader, I will continue to write here. Sigh!

 I definitely never intended to make money writing about my personal waking up experience. Actually, I I gave up on the notion that writing could be a source of income for me long ago.  I am not sure if I ever truly believed I needed to make money writing. Sure, I often  imagine (briefly) what it would be like to be able to climb out of this financial hole I am in because of a "writing ladder" thrown down to me by the Universe...but I could never entertain that thought for too long. Writing has always had more intrinsic value for me than extrinsic, anyway. 

My very scientific minded daughter, who strongly resists the "woo-woo" in anything I share, told me yesterday that she believed I must have been given all the financial struggle I endured over the years as some sort of life lesson. "I don't know anyone who has been hit, like you have, by challenge after challenge always leaving you struggling to survive. You worked and work so hard; you are well educated, you have talent and skills yet you never seem to get a break. The craziest things happen or get in your way. I don't believe in all that spiritual stuff you do but I don't know how else you could explain it. It's too bizarre! You must have lessons or something to learn from being poor and struggling like this."

I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "First of all...not poor...have more than many but maybe, you're right. Maybe there is a higher purpose for this struggle!"

I want her to be right.  I want to know all this struggle is for higher reasons.  I want to believe that I chose this struggle for learning and growth reasons I have yet to understand.  I do not want to believe that it is all going down like this because I am projecting a lot of internal negativity outward into the world, or worse, that I am being 'punished.' Sigh!

I don't mind struggle and challenge.  I really don't. If you tell me there is a higher reason for this experience of suffering I will say, "Bring it On!" And most of the time, I know there is a higher purpose for it. I accept it graciously. Other times, doubt creeps in and hisses that it is all random, meaning nothing, or worse...that I am somehow to blame for the whole mess. I have a hard time accepting it then. 

Anyway...most times I accept my obscurity and lack of finacial well being despite my writing effort very graciously.  I do.  But it would be really nice to know without any doubt that it is all for a greater benefit.

All is well.

The Ideal Situation

 The ideal situation is the situation you are facing right now.

Eckhart Tolle

In the below linked video Tolle reminds us that life is giving us exactly what we need...or...we, at least, have the opportunity to learn and grow from any situation Life hands us. Especially as we age. 

Age is a step into the wisdom years because at a certain point of our life cycle the "me" we worked so hard to develop as a 'conceptual identity' can no longer be maintained. We stop working and therefore stop being so called "productive" members of society; we can no longer bear children to continue the species; our bodies are not as active as they were decades before; attractiveness fades and we realize that death is getting closer. We simply get tired trying to maintain and hold up the facade we were holding up for decades. There is no sense, it seems, keeping the pretense going. Personality...this self concept of me...falls away revealing the wise Self that was hidden in the background all along. This "Wise Self" is the greatest gift we can give others. It is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. When it is in charge we radiate peace, love, and wisdom. We have the internal strength to face whatever comes our way and we model this peace and acceptance for the younger generations. 

Tolle also shares in the video that he was recently diagnosed with cancer. He states at first "the personality" was shocked and reactive but quickly the wise  presence in the back ground took over. He described it as "It was as if I died already. " There was no more reactive and fearful personality in the way. There was just peace and awe as he observed yet another life situtation. Hmm!

Anyway, whatever you are facing right now is the ideal situation for your spiritual growth.  Whatever I am facing right now is the ideal situation for mine.  Let's see the peace and wisdom in that.

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle ( June, 2025) Aging as a Path to Inner Stillness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPupI00nvm8&t=617s

No Other Teacher

 There is no other teacher but your own soul.

Swami Vivekananda

I binge-watched three docuseries on Disney about cults this week. 

I am addicted to cult shows.  And I wonder why I am?  I am so curious as to why people "follow" others...giving up everything, not to serve the message or teaching (which I can understand to some degree), but to serve the human form of the teacher.  I am so curious to know what it is about that leader that pulls people in and gives them that power over the follower's minds, convincing them that the teacher's life is so much more worthy than their own. How do they convince the follower to follow mindlessly? How do they hide this destructive egoic tendency to want power, and complete unquestioned devotion for as long as they do? Why do they think it is okay to hurt, manipulate, and destroy others just so they can get their selfish needs met...and how does it take so bloody long for followers to realize this is happening? Does some part of the leader actually believe they are right and deserving in their position or chosen role, making their presentation authentic to the follower and if so, how or why? Are they psychotic with delusions of grandeur? Or just sociopaths that know what they are doing isn't morally sanctioned by the majority and do not care?

How do they get people to follow them so blindly and so completely selflessly? Do they use some form of hypnotization? We often hear the term "brain-washed" but what does that mean?  These leaders seem to understand the human mind so well and are able to apply the right techniques to break through the will, resistance, and self-preservation that make their followers into blind servants rather than doubtful questioners. Where do they learn this stuff and more importantly why did they learn this stuff?  Did they decide one day, "Hey when I grow up, I am going to become a cult leader, so I better start studying all about mind control now"? 

Many of these techniques take so much time, energy, effort, patience, pretending, keeping it all together on the outside. and commitment. How does such an egoic and selfish mind maintain that "guise" and momentum for as long as it is required? Even the greatest and well-trained actor will become tired, falling out of character from time to time. 

Through the numerous documentaries I have watched about so many different modern day cults, I have seen how leaders sucked their followers in by offering them what they believe is needed at the time...spiritual salvation or personal healing. I seen how so many created the appearance, in the beginning, of not having an ego or personal agenda.  They seem so selfless and loving, making the follower feel they really cared about them. Once committed to the teaching and the group, they add rules for living... first shared to assist the follower to heal, then the community they are building together to thrive, then the message they are sharing to best reach the world, and finally confusing rules to serve the personal needs of the leader as if that is only just and right. I have seen the use of thought replacement...the substituting of the follower's thoughts for the leaders. I have seen the use of constant and persistent interrogation in these shows in most cults, in one form or another. The creation of a deep sense of vulnerability by the sharing of deep secrets makes the leader more powerful when they become the secret holder.  I have seen the purposeful and gradual diminishment of self esteem and confidence. ..so slow and methodological. Then there was the creation of physical and mental exhaustion through hard physical labour and long hours, and a lack of sleep and nutrition. The followers become " unpaid workers", "volunteers", "slaves", or "servants".  The physical and mental body of the follower becomes drained so they are more likely to submit. So, so much "gas lighting" making the follower constantly feel they were not doing enough, or doing it wrong, hurting the leader, others, or themselves resulting in a need to repent or make amends. Then there is the repetition of mantras, sayings, or written messages that one cannot escape. How do the cult leaders know to use these techniques and did the leaders set out to learn them so they could gain control of the minds of others?

Most of these leaders...have hidden and secret backgrounds that indicate they might not be the most trust-worthy of souls.  Of course, these backgrounds are hidden by a change of name or a redeeming /victim story. 

Some leaders share and teach a beautiful message that truly could serve humanity in the long run. Do they even believe in the teachings and messages they teach? Did they at least at one point believe them?  Or do they just learn them because they know certain others will, and thusly know they can use them for their own selfish motivation? 

And what about the follower? I think anyone could become a follower and get lost in such a cult very easily.  I do not think the people that are targeted are "weaker" or "stupider" than anyone else.  In fact, it has been shown that very intelligent people join cults! We see that many have been "indoctrinated" into the teachings since childhood and it is easy to see why they follow their "appointed" leaders blindly. Others come into such followings later in life, usually at a vulnerable time when they are in need of some healing. Their indoctrination may be quicker but likely just as methodological as it is for those born into cults. It is funny that it is a desire for "peace. love, and harmony" that lead many into those organizations that cause pain and discord.

Hmm! People aske me, "Why are you so interested in cults and cult leaders? Are you thinking of becoming a cult leader and need to learn how?"  I can assure you that is the farthest thing from my mind.  I don't even want to be a leader let alone a cult leader. But how would you know that, right? Most cult leaders say they don't want to be leaders, don't they?  Anyway, not what I want. lol

I think I am interested because I am so interested in the messages many cult leaders teach...I mean the original message they use to gain followers. The guru is so important to the teachings I follow but I do not necessarily agree.  I personally couldn't trust a guru. Many of the modern day yogi gurus have been said by ex-followers to be cult leaders.  I thusly question every teacher out there, not just the yogis...especially those who have a following...and even more...those who have "volunteers" helping them at the retreats and teaching sessions they offer.  I watch to see what the teacher is personally gaining...and if they are making a lot of money off of their sessions while the "volunteers" who work 12-16 hour days make nothing. That throws a wrench in...let me tell ya! Many of these leaders are going to profess to doing "humanitarian things" with the money they make and they likely are but what is happening with the rest of the money? I watch for egos when these teachers are speaking. How often do they use "I", "me" "my" or "mine"? Are they claiming that the ideas and teachings they are offering are their own when they are not? I watch to see if they are taking ancient public domain practices and taking ownership of them...calling them their own after a few tweaks and re-namings.  I see that a lot. I watch to see if they are claiming "enlightenment" when so few on the planet have attained that.  I watch to see if they profess to the general masses that the only way one can become saved or healed is if they follow them and their teachings. 

I want to know the back story of the teacher.  I want to know if they are genuine. And even if they seem so articulate and genuine in their presentations, I don't automatically believe they are such. I watch for victim stories, "I was falsely accused"..."I was unjustly disowned by my family." etc. I want to know more about that. I do not give much heed to how they present themselves and what others seem to think of them.  I am fully aware of the sincere, charismatic and attractive persona, even the most dangerous amongst us possess. Were these teachers accused of immoral acts in the past?  Then, I watch for what ex followers have to say and the accusations made against these teachers. I would demand all the facts before I personally judged if they were innocent or guilty. 

I guess, it is so much easier for me not to have a guru lol and even, easier never to be one!!! I think learning should be more Self focused...more inward than external. I continue to separate teaching from teacher.  I still enjoy exploring the teachings of those who have been later accused and convicted of cult like activity.  The teaching they happened to share/use in their own unique way...the teaching that comes from ancient sources...is often still so beautiful and truthful. Whatever they may have done with it...cannot damage the truth.

Hmm!

All is well in my world. 

Getting Back Up Again, and Again, and Again

 Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.

Nelson Mandela

All is well