When you are inspired- in spirit-everything is working.
Wayne Dyer
I am seeking a new inspiration...a new focus...a new way of being in spirit.
Sigh!
All is well
Life is a succession of lessons that must be lived to be understood.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Saying goodbye to a tooth later on today. I have mixed feelings. I am so appreciative of finally getting to the end of this "strange tale of truth and tooth", and for the dentist helping me out. I will be so glad to have the infection out of my mouth at last so there are no more antibiotics in my future...at least for a while. (I tend to get a pneumonia in late fall, early winter...sigh). My gut is thankful lol. I am also apprehensive. I am vain enough to worry about how a missing tooth will impact my smile...one physical attribute that I appreciate in this body. This smile somehow allows the light in me that isn't all snagged up in "my stuff" to free flow and shine through. Will I be able to get past my ego to smile anyway? Regardless, just another lesson from the universe I suppose.
Hey, universe...are you this hard on all the other students in the class?
Yeah...that crossed my mind: this idea that the Universe was picking on me. My energy is down...life circumstances seem heavy and weighing down on this human I call "me". I just found out that I will not be returning to the little job I invested so much in over the last two years. It might even be an end to my aspirations to go further helping with EAL. What I created and offered, I guess, are not needed. Which I knew would be a possibility. Copies of the book I wrote on a "grand impulse" and told myself from the beginning that I would not be attached to whatever outcome came from it, are just there collecting dust. Reality hit again when I was told I would not be needed as a tutor...Even though, I also told myself that this was just something I was doing to serve the moment "now" and that I would not expect anything more than that from it, I find myself strangely sad that it is over. I enjoyed the experience tremendously and I do believe I offered a lot. I served. That should be reward enough and I am sure I will know that fully someday.
I am grateful for those experiences. But now that the "hope" that once added a little light in my life is gone I feel a little heavy. This thought I had at the beginning of this adventure, carried in a balloon of my own making: "Maybe the EAL will provide an external purpose for this human I call "me" in a variety of different upcoming experiences pulling me up and away from this seemingly downward trajectory, as well as provide a worthwhile service where it is needed," has popped and is floating away. The hope( and the added income) has fizzled away into reality. I am feeling a little lost. "What do I do now?"
A mind at war against itself remembers not eternal gentleness...ACIM Chapter 23.1
Even though I am fully aware of the illusive nature of "hope"...it added something to this life of challenging circumstances. It gave me a purpose and a distraction away from all the unpleasant stuff I am constantly having to deal with. Without it, I, as the "little self", feel somewhat deflated...so I turn to greater Self and ask,
"Now what? What do you want me to do with this life now?"
That job you lost wasn't a tradegy, it was the Universe's way of rerouting you, taking you back to your higher purpose... back to God. Wayne Dyer ( Totally paraphrased)
The answers will come, I know. I know...that it is the deflation of this little self that I have been asking for and praying for. Still...for some odd reason, having this tooth removed today feels like having the teacher pick on me a little more when I am already feeling down. Vanity is another small but hard lesson to master. Sigh!
The problem is we have been taught to see Life as a series of randome events-good luck and bad luck-...things that happen to us rather than for us...We have forgotten that we are not victims of circumstance but active participants in a cosmic dance where every step, every stumble, every graceful movement is a part of a larger choreography designed to help us grow...to help us remember who we really are. Wayne Dyer
I want to believe in the curriculum even if I do not understand its design. I want to trust that Life, as the teacher, knows best...that every challenging lesson...big or small...is there to help me learn and grow. I will learn that. I will.
All is well.
Man feels, consciously or unconsciously, that he is bound; he is not what he wants to be. It was taught to him at the very moment he began to look around. That very instant he learnt that he was bound, and he also found that there was something in him which wanted to fly beyond, where the body could not follow, but which was as yet chained down by this limitation.
Vivekananda
He is a Being beyond the limitation of nature, of Maya,
We are awareness, Michael Singer tells us...the Self is called the Seer.
The problem is that which we are seeing and perceiving the world through is a very cloudy and dirty lens. So what we see as the world is a cloudy and dirty version of what is. What we see, then, is Maya, illusion...rather than reality. The mind is also a semi-permeable membrane...allowing only so much in, attempting to keep so much out, depending on what this judging mind determines as pleasant or unpleasant. What we see and perceive then is a very limited and "bound" world and we see and understand our existence to be limited and bound in it.
The world has to come through your mind for you to see it...through the filter of your mind for you to perceive it.
Michael Singer
So what do we need to do to get beyond this limited version of self? We need to make sure that filter is clear. We need to clean that which is in the way of us seeing who we are.
All is well
Michael Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (September, 2025) Awareness: The Essence of the Spiritual Path. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1JH4kHgXcg&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2
Vivekananda (n.d.) 2.5 Jnana Yoga. The Complete Works of Swami Vivekanada. Kindle Edition
Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and be good, God would permit us to be pirates.
Mark Twain
The old pirate, lifting his head, pulled his nurse close
enough to hear .
With desperate voice and weary body, he whispered in her
ear.
“Can you keep a secret, my luv?” he asked, strong liquor on his
breath,
Both knew, the land stranded Billy Murne would soon be
facing death.
With wide eyes of greed, and an excited beating in her chest
Young Helen Gray leaned over her charge and quietly
whispered “ yes. “
Across her dirty face was painted the most beautiful of
smiles
For at long last her hard work, she thought, would prove to
be worthwhile
Searching his wrinkled face and closing eyes, she waited for
the word;
For the moment the whereabouts of his buried gold would finally
be heard
At last, with a toothless open mouth and a voice sonorous
and weak
Billy looked into her eyes and he began to speak.
"Well, Helen luv, this declaration just might make you cry."
With one last breath and a triumphant grin, Billy croaked,
"Aye, so can I?"
I'm dishonest and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.
Captain Jack Sparrow.
All is well!
True beauty is timeless; it does not age, it merely evolves.
unknown
(Shot on Fogo Island...as we were moving along...jpeg images, raw have yet to be processed.)
Well b'y, how's it cutting? Owshegettinonb'y? Let me tell ya before ya get me all drove and salty. This trip is the best kind, lovely grand. It's the proper ting for all ya to get screeched in o'r here at now da once. Nar thing better than draw-latching along the coast of this rock some day on clothes. The rugged beauty would stun ya my luv. I dies at the way people talk around these parts. What a sin ya cant hear it. Oh shag it, I will see ya when I get back. duckie. Slue!
Greetings from NL. Some of the rocks that form the coast line here date back to precambian times, meaning they could be 4.6 billion years old...if not that old they are about 550 million years old. Go figure. I am intrigued by these rocks so I have been trying to shoot them as we fly along the coast line at 80-100 km an hours...thus the poor quality of shots.
All is well
But only one thing is certain; the mighty river is rushing towards the ocean, and all the drops that constitute the stream will in time be drawn into the boundless ocean. So, in this life, with all its miseries and sorrows, its joys and smiles and tears, one thing is certain, that all things are rushing toward their goal, and it: is only a question of time when you and I, and plants and animals, and every particles of life that exists must reach the Infinite ocean of Perfection, must attain to freedom, to God.
Vivekananda
I do not know where exactly this mighty river is taking us but man it pulls hard some times, doesn't it? D. and I might wish to change our names to "Calamity Jane, and Jeopardy Jack" as we are swept along. It is absolutely uncanny: the number and intensity of "things" that we experienced together in the last ten years...crazy big things so few people in the world experience to this intensity and extent...in one decade. It's movie making stuff lol.
And it keeps pulling....
We were meant to go away today...an escape from all "this"... but Life had different plans for us. I have another infection in my mouth ...took less than a week at the end of the 6th round of antibiotics since April to manifest...and I was hestitantly going to risk ignoring it even though I knew we would not have access to health care where we were going...pretty rural. I really do not want to go on another round of antibiotics...my belly is wrecked...but I woke up this morning with the gums even more swollen again and that pain in my cheek saying, "IE, IE, IE"! Ugh!!! So, I called the dentist and I got in for an appointment today!! That's good because I feel fevered...not sure if it is the mouth or the gut leading to this feeling like crap?
As I said, I would have ignored it and taken my chances...but ironically D. woke up with what I thought was pleurisy that has been going on for the last couple of nights. I encouraged him to go off to the ER early this am. I cannot do much driving because I still do not have full ROM in my neck...still cannot look over my shoulders...so he is going to be the only driver or at least the dominant driver on this trip. I couldn't allow that if he was in pain and unwell. Crap!! So, we rearranged our bookings, fortunately, and are going to try to sneak off tomorrow! Hopefully, we are both feeling better by then. Sigh! Otherwise it will be a big loss in many ways.
So, the journey of Calamity Jane and Jeopardy Jack continues as they bob and thrash along in this river of Life with all its miseries and sorrows, its joys, smiles and tears. No doubt, we will someday reach that Infinite Ocean where we will find perfection, freedom, and God. We will then fully realize that all these so called challenges were necessary to our growth. We will be transformed into "Joyful Jane and Jubilant Jack". We will eventually see the unnecessity for the titles "Jane and Jack" and just be joyful and jubilant Life.
All s well.
Any answer to the question, "Who am I?"...means you didn't get it.
Eckhart Tolle
We are supposed to get to the point where we do not know who we are...[concepts and judgements fall away and without them how do we "know" anything?]
Have the courage to not know who you are.
There is a direct knowing and there is a knowing "about". Knowing "about" is not knowing. It is simply conceptualizing.
Knowing is the "felt experience of." Gnosis means "awareness"...and some say it means the "knowledge of the spiritual mysteries". I prefer awareness to knowledge. Awareness is feeling who we are, being who we are as opposed to just knowing things about this human we call" me"; as opposed to conceptualizing who we are.
We have to go into the deeper knowing which I see as the "felt experience" of. When we ask "who am I"...we do not wait for the mind to list a bunch of fun facts about the body and personality. We do not wait for an answer. We simply fall into the question and feel whatever comes up. Hmm!
All is well.
Eckhart Tolle ( August, 2025) The Only Real Failure. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVPveDVk9Ms&t=47s
Atha Yoganusasanam
Yogas citta vrtti nirodhah
The first two sutras in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali
Translated : 1. Now the exposition of Yoga is being made....2. The Restraint of the modification of the mind-stuff is Yoga
The definition of Yoga according to Satchidananda's translation as listed in the glossary at the end of "The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali" is as follows:
Yoga= (lit.union) union of the individual with the Absolute; any course that makes for such union; unruffled state of mind under all conditions.
So Yoga is "union" which is Oneness. Breaking that definition of Union down farther, there are three things Yoga is:
1. union of the individual with the Absolute
2. any course that makes such a union
3. unruffled state of mind under all conditions.
1. Union of the individual with the Absolute?
Yoga is about realizing that all is One...there is no separation. One of the toughest things for us to get past is this idea of separation and individuality.
What you call the external world is as much you as your own body. Your skin does not separate you, it is a bridge from which the external world flows into you and you flow into it.
Alan Watts
This is one quote that made me visualize that I was not separate from others. I have been working on that concept of separation for years. I always knew at some level I cannot explain that we are not separated by body lines yet I could never "explain" it, "see" it in this very limited version of mind I personalized and called "my mind," I did a lot of crazy things with this mind...but one of the craziest things I did was create a "personal version " of this expansive and Absolute mind, from that I created a "me", and from there I made this amazing Life "all about me". I focused on the separate "me" at the exclusion of focusing on the Absolute within me. Through this attachment to the idea of separation. I could not see there never was a "me" ...just this Absolute experiencing Itself through this human.
To see that these bodies are just bridges...a means of experiencing our connection to this Oneness of all...that the senses allow us to experience it all, is very eye-opening. The senses are not meant to create this need for preference and aversion that we tend to use them for. They are meant to allow the Absolute to experience Iself through us...and we are that Absolute that is experiencing...therefore It is the Absolute experiencing Itself...This is Union. This is Oneness.
If I am not separate by skin from the external world, I am not separate from anything. I am not separate from Reality, from Life, from God. Coming to that realization, what Maharshi called, "Self-realization" is Yoga. This flows into the third Sutra in Patanjali's Sutras:
Then the seer (Self) abides in Its own nature.
This, then, takes us to the second part of Patanjali's definition of Yoga.
2. Any Course that makes such a union?
How do we get to this realization?
I love this for the lack of specific direction it provides. Yoga is "Any Course". It doesn't define one path as the right path, and another as the wrong. Patanjali offers a path through his eight limbs but he never proposes that this is the only way. The Indian culture from which Yoga emerged has always been the most open culture to religious diversity.
Truth is One, Paths are Many.
Whatever sadhanna we practice, whatever path we follow, what every religious doctrine we identify with...if we are seeking the One Truth, the Absolute...we are on the right path.
3. Unruffled state of mind under all conditions?
We are here to accept, allow, honor, and appreciate reality as it is. Do we tend to do that? No...we tend to decide how Life should be to make us feel okay inside. When it isn't that way we resist it. We resist it. We become reactive and disturbed.
In order to get to Truth we need to remove what is in the way of Truth. Truth...the Absolute is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. It is is everywhere. It goes no where. We have simply created a veil of reactivity and disturbance over it. We have focused our attention away from it and this disturbance and reactivity grows between us in this idea of "individual self " and the "Absolute Self". We begin to desire certain "conditions" and be aversive to others. We have created modifications. Our minds are "ruffled".
We are not meant to be "ruffled". Our purest and most natural state is that of the still lake on which all ripples emerge. We need to unruffle so we can maintain peace-an unruffled state of mind under all conditions. This is Yoga.
If you can control the rising of the mind into ripples, you will experience Yoga, Patanjali,pg 3
So our practice is not about looking out there for the answers to our so called problems. It is all about, as Singer often teaches, looking inward to discover why we have problems in the first place. Why are our states of mind so often ruffled?
They are ruffled because we have become distracted by this "little me" and all its drama. The expansive, Absolute, still lake is distracted by the ripples on its surface. We, as human beings, are identifying as one tiny ripple on the surface...and we got lost in this false notion that "it is all about me".
You got distracted by you. Your consciousness got distracted by you....and the fact that you are distracted by you, means you suffer. Singer
We fail to see that we are not the ripple but the still lake on which the ripple emerged. How can something so magnificent lose its focus in something so tiny and insignificant?
You are not okay because you are focusing on something in the universe that is not okay. Singer
We have the ability to get beyond the ruffling, the ripples, the mental modifications and misdirected focus to that which is Absolute. Doing so is Yoga.
Patanjali, of course, goes on in his sutras to describe Raja yoga which is simply one Path to take. This path has eight limbs to it. They are Yama (abstinence from violence, dishonesty, stealing, immorality, and greed.), Niyama (observance of purity, contentment, acceptance of but not causing pain, study, worship and self-surrender to God), Asana (posture practice as seen in Hatha Yoga), Pranayama (breath control), Pratyahara (withdrawal from the senses), Dharana (concentration), Dhyana (meditation), and Samadhi (contemplation, absorption, superconscious state).
Yoga is one Path to take but again the word "Yoga" is just a pointer, pointing to something that really cannot be explained or understand until we experience it.
Regardles of how we get there Yoga is all about becoming okay inside.
Something to think about!
All is well.
Sri Swami Satchidananda (2011) The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Intergral Yoga Publications: Yogaville, Virginia
Michael Singer ( August 30, 2025) Becoming Okay Inside. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofz7-QWiDFc&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1
When a man dies, there is a dispute.One party declares he has gone forever, the other insists that he is still living. Which is true?
Katha Upanishad
I have been mining: listening and reading. I have been hitting these jewels of wisdom that leave me questioning. I bring them to the surface and I lay them before you. Can you see their brilliance?
(The V is a quote from Vivekananda and the S is indicating a quote from Michael Singer.)
It is the God within your own self that is propelling you to seek for Him, to realise Him. V
He for whom you have been seeking all over the world, for whom you have been weeping and praying in churches and temples, on whom you were looking as mystery of all mysteries shrouded in the clouds, is nearest of the near, is your own Self, the reality of your life, body, and soul. That is your own nature. V
The world vanishes in a moment and is gone. Standing on the brink of a precipice beyond which isthe infinite yawning chasm, every mind, however hardened, is bound to recoil and ask, "Is this real?"V
...when man realises that so long as there is one life in this universe, he is living. When he can say, "I am in every-thing, in everybody, I am in all lives, I am the universe," then alone comes the state of fearlessness.
There is no individuality except in the Infinite. That is the only condition which does not change. Everything else is in a constant flux. V
You are not what you are defining yourself as, you are that which defined who you are S
People feel frightened when they are told that they are a Universal Being, everywhere present. Through everything you work, through every foot you move, through every lip you talk, through every heart you feel. V
The different philosophies seem to agree that this Atman, whatever it be, has neither form or shape, and that which has neither form or shape must be omnipresent. V.
Time, space and causation, therefore, are in the mind, and as the Atman is beyond the mind and formless, it must be beyond time, beyond space, and beyond causation. Now, if it is beyond time, space, and causation, it must be infinite...The infinite cannot be two. If the soul be infinite, there can be only one Soul, and all ideas of various souls- you having one soul, and I having another, and so fourth-are not real. The Real Man, therefore, is one and infinite, the omnipresent Spirit. And the apparent man is only a limitation of that Real Man...a dim reflection of the Real Man who is beyond. V
The Real Man, the Spirit, being beyond cause and effect, not bound by time and space, must, therefore, be free. He was never bound, and could not be bound. The apparent man, the reflection, is limited by time, space, and causation, and is, therefore, bound...he appears to be bound but really is not V.....
Every soul is infinite, therefore there is no question of birth and death. V
Change can only be in the limited...Motion is always a relative thing. I move in relation to something else...but take this whole universe as one, and in relation to what can it move? There is nothing beside it. So this infinite universe is unchangeable, immovable, absolute, and this is the Real man. Our reality, therefore, consists in the universal and not in the limited. V. ....
As soon as I think that I am a little body, I want to preserve it, to protect it, to keep it nice, at the expense of other bodies; then you and I become separate. As soon as this idea of separation comes, it opens the door to all mischief and leads to all misery. V.
Behind all these stories we find one idea standing supreme- that man is a degeneration of what he was. v.
You are a Great Being. You have no needs...S
What is the force?
All it is, is one Consciousness vibrating at different levels. S
To say that the force called soul is the out come of the combinations of the molecules of the body is putting the cart before the horse. How did the combinations come; where was the force to make them? V
Quantum field is physical plane...consciousness is higher vibration deeper than the quantum field. S
The beginning position is consciousness.... Singer
...This bright body did not represent the force. Whatsoever has form must be the result of a combination of particles and requires some thing else behind it to move it. If this body requires something that is not the body to manipulate it, the bright body, by the same necessity, will also requite something other than itself to manipulate it. So, that something was called the soul, the Atman in Sanskrit. ...V
The bright body is considered the receptacle of the mind, and the Atman is beyond that. It is not the mind even; it works the mind, and through the mind the body. V.
There never was a person who found happiness in the senses or in enjoyment of the senses. Happiness is only found in the Spirit. Therefore, the highest utility for mankind is to find this happiness in the Spirit. V.
Consciousness is One...vibrates at different levels and becomes aware of Itself in different objects. S.
Thoughts are a certain vibration rate in the mental plane. Emotions vibrate even faster. S.
Different planes of reality = different vibration rates. S.
Thoughts don't exist on the physical plane...S.
As soon as I think I am a little body, I want to preserve it, to protect it, to keep it nice, at the expense of other bodies; then you and I become separate. As soon as this idea of separation comes, it opens the door to all mischief and leads to all misery. V.
Let them make the sacrifice, knowing that this "me and mine" is not the real Self, but only a limitation. V.
You a great being don't settle with being a little thing that is caught down here. S
[Charity towards others is the unconscious acting out of ] "I am the universe; this universe is one." V.
It cannot be known; in vain we try to know it. Were it knowable, it would not be what it is, for it is the eternal subject. Knowledge is a limitation, knowledge is objectifying. He is the eternal subject of everything, the eternal witness in this universe, your own Self. Knowledge is, as it it were, a lower step, a degeneration. We are the eternal subject already; how can we know it? V.
You are pure Consciousness...You are consciousness and consciousness is God...S
Every good thought that you think or act upon is simply tearing the veil, as it were; and the purity, the Infinity, the God behind, manifests Itself more and more...Finer and finer becomes the veil, more and more of the light behind shines forth, for it is its nature to shine. V.
"I can handle it". That is your mantra. S
I may at some point delve deeper into each of these gems of wisdom...for now...just observe how they shine.
All is well!
Michael Singer/ Temple of teh Universe/ Sounds True ( August, 2025) From False Identification to Liberation- Returning to the Seat of Self. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWG3nGGpBW4&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2
Vivekanada (n,d.) 2.5 Jnana Yoga- Complete Works of Swamin Vivekananda. Kindle Edition.
Why weepest thou, my friend? There is neither birth nor death for thee. Why weepest thou? There is no disease nor misery for thee, but thou art like the infinite sky; clouds of various colours come over it, play for a moment, then vanish. But the sky is ever the same eternal blue.
Vivekananda
I have been weeping over the last few days. My poor old dog is reaching the end of her life span and as I pet her I weep knowing that I will first have to make a decision about ending her time here (I hate making these decisions) and I will miss her when she is gone.
I weep over the diseases in this body that make it pain and ache and break. My neck has been extra sore since I was running around with the grandkids the other day. My belly is also not feeling so well post antbiotic. Sigh! I wonder how long this body will last and if I even care?
I weep over the misery that surrounds me in suffering and addicted persons, those still struggling to have their custody rights asserted, and those struggling with Life in general(including this "me").
Then I wipe my eyes as I read these words. I remember there is no death; there is no disease or no misery. There is just an infinite blue sky to rest our weary human heads upon.
All is well!
The mind is just like a muscle- the more you exercise it, the stronger it gets, and the more it can expand.
Idowu Koyenikan
Sitting here in some degree of physical discomfort. I overdid it with the grandkids yesterday and am feeling it in my neck today. I have the collar on and I leave it on for a few hours a day, mostly to realign a neck spine that is collapsing forward. I put the collar on and its like "Yes! This is the position I am constantly putting the chins of my yoga students in. Ths is the perfect alignment! I should get my students to put this on before class so they "feel" how there neck should feel in proper position."
I feel the spine in an alignment with the brace that I have not been getting without it since the injury.
When I put it on I can pinpoint exactly what vertebrae in the back are affected.- C3, C4 on the left side; C 5 on the right is where I feel the tenderness. I feel pain there in the back as the front of the cervical spine is elongated because I am decompressing that which is compressed. I am going against what has become normal for the body in its protective mode. My shoulders automatically fall down away from my ears with the brace on. I realize how much accessory muscles were quickly led into bad habits because of the injury. That is why I feel pain in proper position. I was probably collapsing in the front neck to some degree prior to the injury. Osteporosis is manifesting in my neck and probably has been before this sneeze. A few years ago, before I began actively teaching, I had a very pronounced tech-neck with chin constantly jutted forward and head in a chronic slight hyperxtension as a rsult. Now I have just the opposite. I have a hyperflexion forward. Hmm!
So crazy lady, why are you going on about your neck?
This is an example of how we "contract and stretch to reach for things in this human experience" beyond the way we are intended to....leading to habits that put our lives in improper alignment, leading, therefore, to overprotection, tension, pain and suffering. We lean forward(flex) into the pleasant things we "desire or prefer" and fall back away from (hyperextend) the unpleasant things in this life. When we start to realign...against the old habits that have become so normal to us...to wake up and straighten up into a "neutral" alignment with Life ...we may experience discomfort. We have to retrain the mind and the human to break the old habits that have become "normal" so we can stand tall in this life the way we are meant to. Yoga can be our brace.
Hmm!
How I ramble, eh?
All is well.
You are born. You are going to die. In between there is something that's yours...it is called your life.
Michael A. Singer
I, too often, have the experience of being pulled down into the objects of consciousness that are unfolding in front of 'me'.
The strength of the objects you are conscious of is enough to pull you down into it.
There is and has been so many "unpleasant" things showing up in this life I have been given. I get so focused on these unpleasant things that appear to be doing such a somber interactive dance in front of me. I find myself up there on stage with them much too often...swaying and moving...clinging and pushing away as I awkwardly dance to the depressing music being played around me. I tense up. I stumble. I fall. I get all tangled up in the dance.
I forget that I do not have to be. I forget why I am here. I forget who I am. I suffer.
Then, as if waking up from an altered state, I "realize" I am on stage, all tangled up, and I ask, "How the heck did I get here...again?"
I disentangle myself from the all the limbs of life circumstance holding me down, brush myself off, apologize to who ever is watching, and with red face make my way back down to my seat in the audience.
"This is where I am supposed to be", I timidly ask the choreographer...."not up there. Right?"
And with a nod of Life's head and the reassuring, "Yes...observe. Don't jump in. Not yet...not until you are ready and more coordinated in your movements. Just watch and learn from this amazing performance.", I begin watching the dance I was once all tangled up in.
I like it back here in this seat of observer. The energy vibration is higher, than it is up there. It is not so depressing. I am more sure of the Self back here, than I am of the self up there. Things are clearer from the distance than they are from my place on stage...even if I don't understand the choreographer's intentions...at all.
I see how the extremities that seemed to be knocking me down and tangling me up when I was up there, are actually flowing in some graceful sequence. The more relaxed the dancer, I see, the more fluid the movement.
There is no basis for tension. It doesn't help anything.
This dancer I was trying to be, I realize, was clumsy in its tension and resistance. It was interfering, rather than enhancing the dance. Without "me" and my resistance in the way, the dance is indeed a beautiful thing to witness.
Every experience you have in your life is your teacher.
I am here to learn and to grow so I can back up on the stage and enjoy being a part of the dance.
All that I am watching is just Life being Life...it is just circumstance flowing in and flowing out. It's patterns and directions have little to nothing to do with "me". My role as a dancer is not to control the choreography but to go with the flow.
I do not have to be an awkrward dancer when I get back up there. I just have to relax, knowing I was born a graceful ballerina who has the potential to enjoy this amazing dance I get to dance in.
The time between my birth and my death is a holy time...I am not missing one milisecond of it.
All is well!
Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/Sounds True ( August 2025) The Meaning of Life is Life Itself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCmZThyvTIM&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=3
None, O beloved, loves the husband for the husband's sake, but for the Self that is in the husband; none, O beloved, ever loved the wife for the wife's sake, but for the Self that is in the wife. None ever loves anything else except for the Self.
Brihadaranyaka Upanishad
When we contemplate the relationships we are involved in during this human drama we need to ask, "Who am I seeing and relating to?" Am I connecting to the 'self' of this being or the Self? Am I bonding with the ego or that internal/eternal essence in the person I am married to, going with, birthed, befriended, or work with?
Most of us are attracted to the ego and body of the other. We tend to see that alone as the person we are relating to. We do not see the Self, though the Self is always gently calling to be seen. It is the reason why we relate and connect with others in the first place.
What is it that attracts man to man, man to woman, woman to man, and animals to animals, drawing the whole universe, as it were towards the centre?
Vivekananda
Love is that force. It is what holds everything together. Yet, we get all caught up in this little petty form of love which is really just attraction and attachment, don't we? Instead of asking , "Am I seeing and responding to the other person's Self?", our relationships tend to operate on these questions:
"How does the other person's ego feed and protect "me"?"
"Are they making this life illusion I have of self comfortable or are they challenging me to the point of 'disturbance'? "
Are they allowing me to keep running from what I stuffed or stored inside or are they triggering it?
As long as they allow us to perpetuate this illusion of 'self' we may deem the relationship as healthy and satisfactory. We open up.
We fail to see that this force that pulls us is not on the surface. It is much deeper. What are we opening up to, albeit superficially, when we have satisfying relationships? What is this force?
It is what is called love. Its manifestation is from the lowest atom to the highest being: omnipotent, all-pervading, is this love. What manifets itself as attraction in the sentient and the insentient, in the particular and the universal, is the love of God. It is the one motive power that is in the universe...
Unattached, yet shining in everything, is love, the motive power of the universe, without which the universe would fall to pieces in a mment, and this love is God.
What we are opening up to is the Self, not the self. We are loving the Self in us by recognizing the Self in another. We see that Self is love. We are love. They are love. All is love.
All is well.
Vivekananda (n.d.) 2.4 Bhakti or Devotion. The Complete Works of Swami Vivekanada. Kindle Edition.
The heavier the burden the closer our lives come to earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then should we choose? Weight or lightness?
Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Numbers are down again on the stats page and I feel relief. Feel like what I might be getting now are legitimate readers. Who knows? But I do feel "lighter" because of it.
Anyway, the numbers are not the only thing that is down lol...the swelling in my mouth seems to be going down. It is much less sensitive to touch. So grateful!!!
I woke up and for some strange reason I felt lighter...physically lighter, emotionally lighter. My movements seemed "free and insignificant"...not weighed down. It was weird. Nothing in the external world has changed significantly enough for me to notice...yet, I seemed to be free of burden. I am not sure of the cause for this "felt experience of lightness"...but it was/is nice to be absorbed by lightness.
This lightness might have a "physical" cause to it, too? You know how you feel with a fever? That lightheadedness and spaciness? I feel like that and have felt like this off and on since I first got the infection in April. That is why I sometimes thought I had a fever. It is far from "unpleasant". Actually, kind of "nice"... hmm!
One minute I feel burdened and weighed down by the world...and the next I feel like a helium balloon...untethered, half real, and with nothing "significant" to cling too.
Isn't the felt experience of Life strange to witness?
All is well
From a grain of sand in the pearl comes.
Confucius
From "All About Me"....
Another irritating grain of sand has been tearing up my insides. I am hoping it is making a pearl in the form of a cleared-up infection and not the beginning of a head-to-toe rash. I feel very ill on this antibiotic and the gums are sore and swollen still. They are worse, actually. Sigh! I also feel like I am getting caffeine pumped nonstop through my veins ...wired (and not in a pleasant way)!! This body, I can tell from this point, is too sensitive to this antibiotic. It does not want this medication in it...like it is knowingly but unwillingly ingesting a toxic substance (which it is). Is it "hypersensitive" to Flagyl like it is to some others? I suspect it might be. I will soon find out. A rash will prove the point.
And though I gratefully have much more ROM in my neck and am doing more...it is still irritating and annoying...I just cannot get comfortable. I have been lifting my grandchildren too which is not the wisest thing to do with this neck the way it is...(How can one say "no" to a child asking to be picked up?) I also have not been doing my hatha yoga practice, so I am stiffening up around the injury, making matters worse.
I am just so uncomfortable in this skin right now.
Can you hear a thousand tiny little violins being played all over the world? lol
A Grain of Sand
So, I woke up irritated at 3. I was tossing and turning from one position to another because of the neck. At one point I heard myself saying, "Man! I am wired!" I really felt like I guzzled three large double doubles from Timmy's before going to bed. (Translation: very large coffees with two sugar and two creams, from Canada's coffee place-Tim Horton's).
"WTF [front door]?"
It took me a minute to connect this insomnia to the medication, but some antibiotics (like ingested toxins) can cross the blood-brain barrier of the brain. They can be like grains of sand in that delicate tissue. The more "sensitive" one is, the more irritating. I am, I guess, like the princess in The Princess and the Pea lol. My body can pick up the most minor of discretions... sometimes. The grains of sand in this life unfolding in front of "me" appear to be everywhere. Even my brain is irritated.
Anyway, long story short... and to answer that unspoken question.
Well crazy lady how did you handle the irritation?
I meditated, of course. I sat up. I sat with what was going on in the body; with what was going on in the mind (not so positive); and what was going on in the heart (the irritation itself- tried to strip it of its story so I could just experience that feeling of irritation).
I found myself at one point asking, "How do I get past all this irritation to the deeper consciousness behind thinking mind...to the soul?"
A Pearl of Wisdom
Then there was suddenly a big "WTF[front door]? Whenever I sit, I attempt to get to higher consciousness, the soul...the Ananda body...the Atman etc. from out here. It is as if there is this "me" out here trying to get through some veil of disturbance to another place-in there.
'Who' is trying to get there? Is there a 'who', that is not the soul but attempting to get to the soul? There can't be...I am that higher consciousness that I am trying to get to. I am the soul. That is who I am. So, it must be "I am" that is meditating and trying to get through all this irritation to "I am." There is no other entity called "me" trying to get to "I am". No entity called "me" exists.
Where is this "I am" trying to go and from where? I am both the destination and the point of departure. I am literally not going anywhere. I am here. There is no "out here" and "in there". There is just here, now."
WOW!
...to "All About I am"
Thanks to that 'grainy' irritation I felt last night, I was gifted with a realization. I was taken from a delusional "me-irritant" focus to a focus on a potential pearl for humanity. I need to realize I am not a separate "little me" with all its so-called irritants and problems...seeking to get someplace else. There is no "me". There is nowhere to go. I am that which I am seeking!
We...every single one of us... are Consciousness seeking Itself. We are the non moving "I am" in the center of a circumference called "Life".
Now, I have intellectualized and narrated this idea many times on my journey but I never felt it like I did last night. I never quite had this realization of "non-locality" before. It kind of blew me away.
Thanks to a little more irritation, a pearl (of wisdom) was formed.
All is well.
If you want to be a Yogi, you must be free, and place yourself in circumstances where you are alone and free from all anxiety.
Vivekananda
Whether I have a right to or not, I call myself a "Yogi" or "Yogi-wanna-be" realizing that "yogi" is just a word or label. I want what that word, that pointer, that concept points to. I do want to realize Self. I want to be free. So, does that mean I need to put myself in circumstances where I am alone? I am certainly not alone...let me tell ya! How I crave uninterrupted time alone.
I am also supposed to be placing myself in circumstances where I am free from all anxiety? Well...I am certainly not there, am I? This neck pain...this tooth issue...are all related to a certain projection of internal tension. My body is hanging on to and reflecting that tension. A sneeze wouldn't have given me this "whiplash" or "VCF" in my neck...(whatever it proves to be)...if I wasn't "tense". This tooth issue would not be either, if it wasn't for cracks in teeth related to "jaw clenching"...another sign of tension.
I am a Yogi-wanna-be and I am fully aware that I am not in the best set of circumstances to achieve that.
You suffer because you decided how you wanted everything to be and it is not that way. Singer
So, I am not living in the most perfect set of circumstances for "Yogi-hood".
Am I living in the right set of circumstances for "ego-hood"?
Ahh...no! Ego is not getting what it prefers either. It experiences little irritations all the time. The body is experiencing all these irritations in the form of pains, discomforts, "issues"...Ego is not comfortable dealing with all this. Life circumstance is also not "pleasant" for the ego. It is not easy. And the mind? Well we know that what goes in this Non -Stop -Thinking Personal Mind most humans are equipped with is not comfortable for the ego either. And I am doing what most humans do. I am seeking comfort. I am grasping and clinging to whatever I can find.
He who desires a comfortable and nice life and at the same time wants to realize Self is like the fool who, wanting to cross the river, caught hold of a crocodile, mistaking it for a log of wood. (Vivekachudamani, 84)
Sometimes, things will show up and this ego, that wants to be comfortable, will say, "Oh Wonderful! I am finally getting something that will make life more comfortable for me."
For example, the other day D. traded his truck in for a Lexus (a 2018 with affordable payments.). It is a beautiful car....a car my ego would previously have dreamed of owning. This car, unlike the truck, I knew, I could drive. When I sat in it for the first time, I felt this "hope" in me emerge. It was so luxurious, like brand new, and so "clean" compared to the truck. "Maybe, this human I call "me" will have a bit of comfort, after all", I thought. "Maybe, this is a sign that the external circumstances for this human are getting easier?"
No sooner than the thought emerged, I felt and heard the air in some proverbial balloon seeping out in one big hiss. I realized, first of all, that it was just a car....a car that would lose its appearance, cleanliness, and luxuriousness within a few weeks (or days) of carrying three dogs around in it. Second of all, I realized it was D.'s car, not 'mine'. It would not provide this "me" the comfort and ease it was still hoping for. The reality is, I...as a separate little human... still don't have a car...a quick independent means of getting from here to there. I am still in the same place I was prior to the purchase of this vehicle. Ego is not comfortable with that.
"I am" comfortable with that though...and after ego fizzled off with all that air in the balloon...I realized that the car was just like a crocodile tail I grabbed onto, mistaking it for a log that might make this human's journey through this life easier. My priorities got mixed up again. I remembered that what I really wand from this journey is to realize Self, not make a nice, comfortable life for ego.
Is it ironic that this car arrived at a time when I physically couldn't drive? (I can't look over my shoulders)...Taking me a little quicker to this realization?
So, do I still need to change my present circumstances in order to be a Yogi?
Don't get me wrong. I am fully aware that the car is neither here or there. It was just a little anecdote I used to make a point. It doesn't matter if I drive a Lexus or my grandson's tricycle to work (neither will make me more or less a so called "yogi") . The way I am living now, however, does seem to do the opposite of promoting "yogi-hood". It does not make it easy to be "alone and free from anxiety".
That is what I am pondering...my present set of circumstances nd whether they suit me. None of 'this' feels right to me anymore. Sometimes, I think my body is also reflecting the external tension these life circumstances provide. I feel that pull towards change again.
Change or not, I need, once again, to get my mind off myself and get back to Yoga!
What are you doing, making you the center of the universe?
Get your mind off yourself...This is yoga. Yoga is a body of knowledge that is the deepest body of knowledge that has ever been collected in all humanity, in all of time...It is about from here to there [going from being tangled up in your personal mind to complete and utter freedom.] Michael Singer
Hmm!
All is well.
Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (August, 2025) Gratitude for the Miracle of Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lHPst_cvpg&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1
Vivekananda (n.d.) 2.3 Hints on Practical Spirituality. The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda. Kindle
A grain of sand gets washed into the shell of an oyster and irritates it. The irritation produces a secretion in the oyster, which covers the grain of sand and the beautiful pearl is the result. Similarily, external things furnish us with suggestions, over which we project our own ideals and make our objects.
A long wait in an emergency room can definitely be like a grain of sand. Yet, when we realize the opportunity for the creation of a pearl through this minor irritation...cool!
My nine and a half hour wait birthed a pearl. There were definitely some positive outcomes from the experience: I lucked in again. I got the same kind and thorough triage nurse I had last time and I also got a very thorough doctor who took everything I said very seriously. I felt very seen and very heard. He ordered a very thorough Xray...anterior and lateral view. There doesn't appear to be a compression fracture but because of the inflammation, I am going to wait on a radiologist's confirmation in case there is an itsy bitsy one in there (something is going on the vertebrae themselves). I trusted and trust his thoroughness so I didn't ask to see the Xray. Whatever it is, is not life threatening or serious! Relief! I got an injection of Torodol and some steroids to help reduce inflammation and within an hour I was moving my neck much more...probs a 40 % increase in ROM!!
He also took the fact that I have another mouth infection very seriously...he orded blood work etc and assessed for the beginning of any signs of cardiomyopathy related to the infection. Grateful! I am now on antibiotic round number six :( with a different component added. I worried that might not happen as my face swelling was way down and the abscess was no longer in the back behind the teeth. My gums were still very obviously swollen though. Anyway...the bit of irritation preceding and during the wait was worth it.
Not only for these body reasons...in fact despite these body reasons. I am so impressed with this growth process. I see how though there is obviously pain in this body ...pain doesn't "bother me" anymore. I can deal with physical pain now like I could never before. This mouth infection, obvioulsy, is not "pleasant" and there is a lot of pressure and discomfort in my neck that I might even have to rank high at times on the pain scale (with certain movements) but it is not consuming me. I did not go into the ER for pain management, nor did I go to the dentist necessarily to alleviate the pain of a tooth ache. I knew the pain, as pain is intended to do, in both cases was pointing to something that needed to be dealt with. I needed to get to the cause. I was focuing on the cause in a rational way not adding any mental reactivity to the pain experience. It is so cool to see how I handle pain now!!
The less the thought of the body, the better. For it is the body that drags us down. It is attachment, identification, which makes us miserable...
The experience also allowed me to practice Yoga in the purest of ways. Sure, I had the opportunity to read Vivekananda's wisdom and to meditate. ( I took my mala off my wrist more than once and did breath awareness meditations). But I also had an opportunity to watch what was going on around me from the seat of the Objective Observer...to see and experience the suffering of the fellow humans around me (both the patients waiting and the exhausted and busy staff), to feel compassion and connection, to watch the reactivity I witnessed without judgement, to witness this human I call me occassionally slip into that reactivity and pull itself back, to be kind and selfless with "my turn" on more than one occassion, and to observe and "feel" the perfect beautiful imperfection of humanity. I felt so alive!!!
That is the secret: To think that I am the spirit and not the body, and that the whole universe with all its relations, with all its good and all its evil, is but a series of paintings-scenes on canvases- of which I am a witness.
I feel so grateful right now. I really do. Just grateful to be a human who gets to have these amazing experiences- the so-called "good" and so-called "evil". I am a being who gets to explore this amazing art. Wow!
(Okay...it might not last lol. I might fall back into being a reactive "me" when these steroids wear off lol... but for now I spirit...I am the Pearl of this human experience, not the body.)
All is well.
Vivekanada (n.d.) 2.3 Hints of Practical Spituality/2.4 Bhakti or Devotion. The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda. Kindle Edition
Man is an infinite circle whose circumference is nowhere, but the centre is located in one spot; and God is an infinite circle whose circumference is nowhere, but whose centre is everywhere. He works through all hands, sees through all eyes, walks on all feet, breathes through all bodies, lives in all life, speaks through every mouth, and thinks through every brain...
Man can become like God and acquire control over the whole universe if he multiplies infinitely his center of self-consciousness...
Vivekananda
How beautiful, eh? How jaw-dropping truthful and wise this statement is if we decide to put away our resistance and open up to what it is saying. I drank up all this wisdom during my ER wait yesterday. It helped to fill the time. I hit the part of Vivekananda's works...after three years of reading this very, very large "Complete Works" ... that interested me the most... just at the right time. Grateful to be able to use what reactive mind might want to call a "frustrating, boring, and possibly unnecessary wait," as a part of my practice.
Michael Singer shares this same idea in the below linked podcast that I opened up to early this morning in my steroid active state (I get so wired on steroids lol...was awake since 430). (below paraphrased)
You are so big...God descended...but you fell from the universal state of consciousness down to "little me's" reflection in it.
Why don't we live like we are God-descended?
The problem is we are focusing down on some encapsulation of consciousness we call "my mind, my body, my life"...instead of looking around us from the center of the circle, seeing we are everywhere.
Singer also encourages us to keep reminding ourselves, "The problem is my mind." He is right we cannot deal with life if we are constantly dealing with this "little me'' drama inside us.
So few humans deal with Life as it is, allowing, with peace, wisdom, and serenity, for it to be exactly as it is. We look around at all the reactive humans , who are also focusing on their "me-meness" because it was conditioned into them to be the normal thing to do. We watch as their "personal, disturbed minds" pull them in, and like watching someone yawn, we do the same. We get pulled into our own "personal, disturbed mind."
I excitedly read along, highlighting these chapters like crazy, as Vivekanda spoke/taught about the reason why we tend to react. Most importantly, he stresses it doesn't have to be this way. (Of course, Singer did the same.)
Practical Psychology? Bringing the Samskaras Out of Hiding.
Its [our consciousness'] past experiences have been replaced by the present, or have become subconscious. We are not aware of their presence in us; but there they are, unconsciously influencing our body and mind. Every movement that is now being made without the help of consciousness was previously conscious.
Practical psychlogy directs first of all its energies in controlling the unconscious, and we know that we can do it. Why?
Because we know the cause of the unconscious is the conscious: the unconconscious thoughts are the submerged millions of old conscious thoughts, old conscious actions become petrified- we do not look at them, do not know them, have forgotten them, ...We may have many things stored in us as in a pocket. We have forgotten them, do not even think of them, and there are many of them, rotting, becoming positively dangerous; they come forth, the unconscious causes which kill humanity. True psychology would, therefore try to bring them under control of the conscious.
Basically saying, we need to bring them into conscious awareness again so we can deal with them (control them)...by dealing with them we set them free...and therefore set ourselves up for a higher learning, a higher experience that will set us free! Do you get that?
From Below to Above
This is the first part of the study, the control of the unconscious. The next is to go beyond the conscious. Just as unconscious work is beneath consciousness, so there is another work which is above consciousness. When this superconscious state is reached, man becomes free and divine; death becomes immortality, weakness becomes infinite power, and iron bondage becomes liberty. Tht is the goal, the infinite realm of the superconscious...
That is the ultimate goal attained in samadhi...true Self-realization. We may not reach it in this lifetime...that's okay. We will have another opportunity to do so in the next. That is our aim though, right? Whether we know it or not? We want to have this experience of freedom, of true knowing, and a true peace that surpasses all understanding? But we do need to start with practical psychology first, bringing the unconscious to the conscious.
Otherwise we are experiencing a "pretend" life which perpetuates suffering and not the Life we are here for - one that perpetuates joy and love.
As the sanskrit saying goes, "It is a headache without the head."
Remember this, whether we have reached that state of realization or not:
This is the first fact of consciousness-I am. Who can imagine a state of things which never existed? It is the most self-evident of all truth.
And when Life outside is not the way ego wants it to be...do your very best to remember all this wisdom and instead of reacting, learn to say:
Can I bring peace into this moment no matter how much reactivity I am witnessing around me...I do not have to react..."How can I help...how can I serve this moment...?" Michael Singer, somewhat paraphrased.
All is well.
Michael Singer (August 14, 2025) From Preference to Presence: The Journey Beyond the Mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piRP5DkXJ3I&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2&t=2127s
Sri Swami Vivekanada (n.d.) 2.3 Hints on Practical Spirituality. Complete Works of Vivekananda. Kindle Edition
Believe in yourself and the rest will fall into place.
I wake up hearing my fearful personal mind talking,
"Oh I can move my neck a bit more...maybe it is getting better...maybe it is nothing...maybe I don't have to go to ER for that??? ...And though there is still a little one in the front of the teeth...one or all...I can't tell... of the abscesses in the back of my teeth have opened and drained (terrible, terrible taste in my mouth) ...maybe that is all taking care of itself too...maybe my immune system is strong enough to handle a bit of Viridans Strep or any misbehaving members of the HACEK family that might have popped in for a visit. The chances of anyone getting an IE are so small anyway..."7 fold more likley" is not that big of a probability. This flue like feeling I have is likely just in my head or just fatigue due to the lack of sleep I am getting because of the neck. Maybe I don't have to go in??? Maybe I can wait until October?? "
Then a very frustrated rational mind interupts. Rational mind says...
"Yes, you are going in. You need to rule out a VCF (compression fracture in your neck). Your T-Score in your spine was -2.8 a year ago...and you have not been on enough of the medication to make it higher since then. You have not been on anything since April. You already had a VCF and it too was in an unusual place...T-3 and T4? This remarkably increases the likelihood of another. You had "more than" full ROM two weeks ago...you are hypermobile and you have been practicing and teaching yoga for years...this lack of ROM is very unusual for you and is indicative of a possible VCF!!! It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or says...you are a smart cookie and you know...you know it has to be checked. As far as the mouth? Five months with infection coming and going is going to increase anyone's risk for sepsis or IE! And 4 courses of amoxicillin and one of clindomycin in a 5 month period is way too much antibiotic...Yet it is not enough...It is not "clearing up" the infection...it is just slowing it down...That shows how virulent this infection is ...it is not going to clear up until the source of the problem is fixed. You cannot keep popping antibiotics like they are candy...there will be repercussions for that. An emergency root canal is what is needed! You need a dentist who will do it!
For now...you need help to sort out the infection thing. So, you are going to march yourself in there...be prepared to sit and wait as long as it takes...You are going to keep your head up high (well as high as you can hold it up with the neck the way it is lol) knowing you are doing nothing wrong getting it checked. You will ask about the mouth infection and about getting an Xray. Yes! You are going to ask for an X ray if they do not suggest one (insist on an Xray if you have to without being impertinent). (A lateral and anterior-posterior view is needed...hopefully that is what will get done). If they come back and tell you you were wrong...you are going to want to see the Xray...look for any wedging...any cracks on the anterior portion (and the posterior though that would be less likely) of C3 down to C7 ( though the location of pain seems to stop at C6)...and if you don't see anything...thank them so much for their time...and get yourself a collar somewhere to wear for the next six weeks....
As far as the mouth...just ask about controlling the infection without another round of antibiotics...ask if you can risk going without....until you can find a dentist who will do you sooner than October...Oh and show them where your jaw is very tender....stress that the jaw has been getting more and more tender over the last two months. Don't expect a lot of help here...(being that it won't be a dentist that you have)...other than help with preventing an IE or other potential consequence of a persistent mouth infection in this set of circumstances. "
Wow! Rational mind is getting kind of bossy, isn't it? lol
Well, I think it is just tired of all the "pretending to be stupider than I am" I have been doing in these situations just so as not to step on toes or do anything that will allow ego judgement to get in the way of a solid diagnosis.
I mean no disrespect to anyone...I don't. I appreciate and have great respect for allopathic medicine and what it does for others. I do. I do my best to see the people in these roles as people beyond their roles...My conditioning, however, sometimes gets in the way and all I see the role that is intimidating to this "me". It is getting better.
Anyway...I will let you know the outcome.
All is well.
And the story continues...but doesn't have to...
I wrote what I wrote a few days ago...Strange Tale of Truth and Tooth....just facts and truth with little emotional attachment and no intention, what so ever, to give ego the starring role as "victim." At that point, I was simply the calm, cool objective observer witnessing a life drama (from a distance) and sharing it...only because it seemed so bizarre and interesting. It was amusing...not disturbing. How quickly one can go from being amused by Life, however, to being disturbed by the mind's reaction to Life.
Later that day and into the next, I began to think about it and found myself saying..."I feel so bad for everyone involved, mistakes happen and I should just let it go as my wanna be yogi nature instructs..."
That would be the sensible thing to do...maybe...but as I am discovering I am not yet the sensible yogi I want to be...at least I cannot stay put in the seat of observer...
From Calm Observer to Triggered Participant
Just as I am congratulating myself for remaining so calm...Shamer ego pops into my mind to have its say, telling me I "should be ashamed" of myself for even sharing this story in writing and possibly hurting or offending others. "This is not what a spiritual or evolving being does!!!"
Once that shame spiral gets triggered, it gets more and more demeaning really fast, doesn't it?
"It is just your body. What should that matter to you or anyone else? There must be a reason why all these things keep happening to your body that there is little to no external validation or help for. Maybe, it is is all insignificant or maybe, you are insignificant ...or maybe,... you deserve it!"
So, feeling the heat of shame on my face and caught up in this unpleasant shame spiral triggered by my honest and somewhat public reflection, I resist the trigger...the "what isness" of this life circumstance. I take the story down.
More Triggers
Then, this morning I wake up hearing the body complain loudly...the neck is sore, and I realize there is definitely something going on in there that is problematic. I know, in my gut, that this has to be looked after. I might have a "broken neck" for God's sake.
And my mouth and cheek are swollen again...I have abscesses. I even have a little fever that comes and goes. Sigh! The Mitral Valve prolapse didn't go away over night. I know I cannot keep having these mouth infections without eventually getting an IE. It has been almost 6 months, and five rounds of antibiotics, since it all began and the source of the problem has yet to be addressed.
The Activity of the Triggered Mind
So, fear creeps in at the idea of maybe having to go into emergency again...for both the neck ( I probably should have the neck immobilized in some way) and the mouth. I don't want another antibiotic but what do I do?
I start to feel frustrated, then angry. These thoughts keep circulating in my head pulling me from shame into 'justifiable' anger and resentment. I begin to think that beacause my anger is justified, I should let it spin into a victim narrative. ( I know better than that but I let it go there, just the same.) I put the story back up and here I am on the sequel. Sigh...
"You would think that an "emergency root canal" would be done...knowing the extent of this infection! They made the mistake! Why is the patient having to pay for their mistake in a way...if I am not being too dramatic...that could cost them their life? That is absolutely crazy!!! I still have to wait months to get in for a procedure that should have been recognized as an "emergency" in April and performed right away. That was almost six months ago, and I am still waiting. And look what I had done since then? I had wisdom teeth removed that didn't have to be removed. I developed a sinus issue from that procedure that inadvertently led to a possible fracture in my neck because I had to go off my osteoporosis meds as I wait. It doesn't make sense!!"
Then the mind goes back to frustration over 'the idea' (and it just an idea fostered by a core belief...not necessarily truth) that I have to once again push beyond the barriers to get people to hear me, "I need help for this body!" ...knowing full well that they may not.
That brings me back to fear of more shaming. That fear-shame mind activity goes like this: "Can I get them to hear me this time? They did last time but by the law of probability...next time I might not be so lucky. These barriers seem so impenetrable sometimes for this shame-based "me" to push through.
Do I have enough objective signs? I need objective evidence to prove my point.
Maybe they won't do a neck X ray...maybe they will discount my complaints as insignificant....or maybe they will order one and nothing will show up on it? Then man...that is more shame on "me". What about the mouth? I can't give some tired nurse or doctor this long ramble about my mouth again, can I? They will likely just say or think, "Just go to your dentist!" How can I explain in that 30 second window an ER patient has to explain the nature of their problem without losing the attention of the listener that I have been to the dentist or trying to get into the dentist to get this resolved many, many times since April ....and bizarre things are happening? I need objective signs they can see. What objective signs can I bring with me as armour? I am swollen enough now but the swelling comes and goes and by the evening it will be gone in my face, if not in my gums. Maybe I will wait for this fever to amount to some "objective sign" that cannot be disputed by others or by the nature of my own fear/shame mind? "
Jumping Into the Cyclone of Mind-Stuff
That is the activity I am witnessing going on in this mind now. It is all so bloody cra-cra. What goes on in this mind...the human mind in general...is so crazy making...yet not only do we tend to observe it...we humans will jump right into that mental cyclone and go for a nasty ride in it. We will allow it to take us away.
Sigh! I see what I am doing...yet I do it anyway. This does not help me deal with reality. Does it?
Reality
What is the reality I am dealing with? There is the reality of life circumstance that unfolded in front of this human. What happened happened. Everything I wrote in the previous entry is true. Remove any assumption, presumptions, speculation, and 'ideas' from it, however, and what do you have?
The Boring Facts
Tooth infection in April...seen dentist...referred to Oral Surgeon for extraction of wisdom teeth believed to be the problem...also hear that a tooth needs to be extracted but that "specialist" will remove it because of health history...informed urgent referral is made because cause of infection should be addressed within two weeks...antibiotics given...bisphosphonates stopped....after a month of waiting for urgent consult for OS...infection becomes obvious again...call dentist office to inform them I have infection and am still waiting to hear from OS...another round of antibiotics ordered at my request...2 months after dentist visit have OS consult...OS explained that two wisdom teeth will be removed...no real oral exam done during consult and no mention of infected tooth...explained that being that one tooth is nestled up to the sinus there could be damage done to the sinus during procedure... could easily be repaired but worse case scenario there might be a chronic sinus issue...two weeks later procedure done...D. tells me he has been informed by surgical team that I need to have a tooth extracted when I get home to prevent IE...(remain off bisphosphonates)....week later I ask OS nurse about this during follow up check in...she hesitates but tells me that I have a cavity and if I have regular check ups it will be taken care of...noticing frequent and somewhat violent sneezes since procedure and pain in cheek...two weeks after procedure call to dentist office made to ask for clarification of what D. had heard...told that consult note was received from OS and I should be seen right away...see same referring dentist that day...told consult from OS said I have "a pimple"/abscess behind tooth indicating a deep infection in tooth...examination done...surprise expressed over the fact that I have absolutely no pain or feeling in that tooth during examination...explain that I am experiencing cheek pain and sinus issues...further investigation revealed infection in pulp of tooth...shown Xray and see what is being pointed to is where I had the pain in April...told of options: tooth extracted by specialist or root canal...I decide on root canal...no antibiotics suggested or prescribed on discharge...told appointment would be two more months away...also told insurance has been maxed out...will have to pay out of pocket...two or three weeks later mouth is very infected again with another abscess formation at the front of the gum this time...call made to dentist to see if I could get into to see "someone else"...put on hold to check and then told that there was no one who could see me that week and that the next week office was closed...the following week they are full up because of catch up appointments...might be a month or so. I was told to go to emergency if I was in pain. Went to ER that day... assessed by doctor and informed of small abscess on anterior gum...arrangements made with another dentist through ER doctor to see me the following day... started on antibiotics...the next day met with this dentist who drains the abscess and prescribes antibiotics...office closed for one week...the week of being reopened call to see if I could have the latest dentist do root canal...told he was leaving the end of August...another dentist can do same in October... off osteoporosis meds for five months...felt neck pop during a sneeze...limited ROM since sneeze: unable to look over left or right shoulder without pain ..roll head forward especially while lifting something or to hyperextend head backwards...up until this point I had full range of motion.
That doesn't sound so dramatic, does it? Without the speculation and added drama, reality is just a bunch of boring facts.
What about the reality of what is happening in the body? The reality is that there is pain and limited movement in the neck. The pain is very doable like most pain is for me...but there is enough discomfort and change to indicate something is going on in there. Right now...in this moment...here and now I just feel a tightness or heaviness right along the vertebrae as I write. Right now and right here I also feel some burning discomfort in the left upper gum...my cheek feels "puffy" . My mouth feels tender and it hurts again to smile. I feel the bumps behind my teeth. This is the physical or bodily reality of what is going on. Nothing too dramatic.
What about the internal reality? Internal reality includes the activation of these samskaras. There is the emotional experience of shame and fear related to the possibility of more shaming emerging in my present moment reality. There is the tendency toward NST of the mind that begins with these external triggers. There is the reactive triggering of old samskaras that come up when the mind decides this human needs to seek help for the body. There is this desire for distraction away from that thought by telling this story again. There is this realization that telling the story helps me to distract from actually dealing with the story. Sigh!
And where does that take me? Right back to the realization that I am observing all this going down...that I am seeing this very human tendency in myself...that I...as the observer... am witnessing the way the mind reacts to life circumstance...how instead of just observing it from a distance, allowing life to be what it is and pass through... the witness can quickly fall into all that crazy mind stuff and identify with it...it can personalize it... it can get all caught up in it. It doesn't take much to go from objective and detached to all tangled up in the mental mess. Just like it sometimes takes something as simple as a sneeze to compress some vertebrae in a person with osteoporosis...it doesn't take much for the mind to go from calm to disturbed. Does it? The mind sneezed, and now I am suffering.
In reality there are just the facts of the circumstances I observed. If I do not attach alot of mind resistance and reactivity to those circumstances they are just events that are no longer in my life. They are gone. Boring facts that belong to history.
Why am I getting all worked up about them? That doesn't help anyone. I just need to deal with the facts. I need to get my neck Xrayed and I need to do something about this new infection. That's it.
All is well
Midway upon the journey of our life/ I found myself within a forest dark/ For the straight forward pathway had been lost.
Dante's Inferno
Prologue
Sometimes, I find myself on a path that is anything but straightforward. Oh, the irony of these bodily circumstances. They are anything but straight forward. lol
I definitely see growth as I observe the happenings in this body. I no longer react with fear of what will happen to it (the fear only comes when I have to seek help for it and even that fear is being tamed). I actually look at what is happening and what has happened in the last six months or so and find it all quite amusing...like I am watching some actor in a scene from one of Dante's epic poems. ...a Divine Comedy maybe.
I am no longer filled with, "Oh My God...What is happening to me and what am I going to do?"
It's more like, "Oh My God...look at what is happening now. It is kind of bizarre and cool at the same time...truth really is stranger than fiction. My body is involved in a strange tale of truth and tooth,,,wow...I wonder what will happen next."
The Strange Tale of Truth and Tooth
I started developing a problem with my mouth in April. I assumed, as I was told that it might happen, that fillings I had done in October didn't stay put. So, when I experienced the sudden bout of intense pain one day and woke up the next morning with my face all swollen I made an emergency appointment with the dentist. I stressed that my major concern was having an infection in my mouth.
After some fancy, expensive Xray, it was decided that the pain was not related to that tooth with the fillings; that wisdom teeth were the source of the problem and had to be removed. At the same time I am hearing that some tooth obviously had to be extracted. It was then decided to hold on the extraction and leave it for the oral surgeon because of my health history: mitral valve prolapse which increases the risk for IE related to a mouth infection and I was also on medication for osteoporosis that increases the risk for osteonecrosis of the jaw whenever the jaw is exposed during dental procedures. I agree.
I was referred for wisdom teeth extraction. I was told that the consult to the Oral Surgeon would be urgent because that infected tooth (whichever one was believed to be infected) had to be removed within two weeks. I was placed on antibiotics that were meant to cover me until I got into see the surgeon. I needed another course when the mouth flared up again three weeks later.
Hmm! It took two months, not two weeks, to get into see the oral surgeon for a consult and during that consult there was little to no mention of the infected tooth that had to be removed. I assumed it was all in the consult so I didn't say anything...assuming the infected tooth must have been the little extra wisdom tooth I had. It was more or less phrased that I was requesting to have my wisdom teeth out, like it wasn't so much a necessity...which confused me a bit. No real oral exam was done but another expensive Xray was ordered to base the plans for surgery on. I was also shown the inside of my mouth. The surgeon wanted to show me how the wisdom tooth on the other side was biting into the inside of my cheek and asked if I wanted that extracted too. I said no.
I was also told, prior to surgery, that the sinus might be damaged during the procedure because the tooth was resting up against it. It could be repaired but it might result in chronic sinus issues. I agreed to have the surgery done despite the risk because I assumed this was the only way to stop the infection in my mouth. That was my main concern all along.
Two weeks later my wisdom teeth were removed. I maxed out the special insurance coverage I had for oral surgery and had to pay $ 300 plus dollars out of pocket. I did so happily assuming the problem was solved.
When I was discharged after the procedure my responsible adult was told that I had an infected tooth in my mouth that had to be extracted by my dentist back home in two weeks time, that I couldn't risk an IE. This didn't make sense to me so I assumed my responsible adult "got it wrong." I had this very expensive procedure done to clear up the infection...all the infected teeth must have been removed...there still couldn't be an infection in my mouth. I decided I would call the dentist or oral surgeon in two weeks to get it sorted out. I was given a prescription of antibiotics upon discahrge...I assume now... to hold me over.
The recovery seemed smooth enough...though I noticed pain in my cheek and the gums felt swollen and tender with some bumps in the back of the teeth on that side but I just thought it was all a part of the post op healing process. It kept getting worse. And I sneezed and I sneezed and I sneezed...almost violent sneezes which the discharge instructions said not to do. I felt like I had a cold...but the pain in my cheek was quite intense. I realized it must be the sinus thing I was warned of.
"Great," I said to myself. "I am going to end up with chronic sinusitis. At least the infection is cleared up and the risk for IE is over."
Anyway, the following week I get a follow up call from the clinic that did the surgery. I asked for clarification about what D. was told about the need for another tooth extraction. There was some humming and hawing but the nurse said that I had a cavity and as long as I made regular visits to my dentist it would be looked after??? I was confused.
So, I called the dentist office here and explained that my responsible adult was told that I needed to see the dentist in two weeks. The receptionist went off to get more information and came back saying...that they had received a consult from the Oral surgeon and yes I should be seen right away. Why didn't anyone call me then? Why am I calling to make this appointment if I am supposed to be seen right away? crossed my mind.
I go in to that appointment very confused. I am told by the dentist that first made the oral surgery consult that he received a note saying that the surgeon found an abscess on the back of the tooth (that had the fillings in it). Why didn't anyone call me then? Why did I have to call to make this appointment if I was supposed to be seen right away? crossed my mind again.
He then did a thorough checkup and said there is an infection in the pulp of that tooth. It made absolute sense to me ...that was where the pain was originating all along. That is the infection, I concluded, that brought me there in April! He told me that we could either extract the tooth or do a root canal...if we extract the tooth he would have to send me back to the "specialist". I was like "No! No!I am not going back there. I will do the root canal."
I am really confused at this point, not putting everything together.
So, I am discharged with no antibiotics (I still have an abscess in the back of that tooth) and I go back to the receptionist desk for an estimate of the cost and an appointment. Thinking this was all supposed to be taken care of in "2 weeks time" 3 months prior I am almost expecting to be told to come in in a week's time. "September," I am told is the soonest they can get me in...two months from then. I am stunned. Even more stunned when I get the estimated cost, "1400 plus" and even more stunned again when I am told my regular dental insurance is all maxed out and I have to pay for this and all following appointments out of pocket.
As soon as I get to the car, it hits me, "I still have an infection in my mouth...the reason why I went to the dentist in the first place...it has been there for almost three months and I have to go another two months with it. I had my wisdom teeth out unnecessarily. They were never the cause of the problem."
I had one of those violent sneezes then. "I now have this sinus thing for nothing! I maxed out my insurance and have spent over 500 dollars out of pocket on a procedure I didn't need and that hurt me more than helped me."
I wanted to cry but I said, "No...I am going to trust the system. They must know that I am not at risk for IE...otherwise they wouldn't let me go home without antibiotics. It was just an honest mistake anyone could make. That tooth root is right where the wisdom tooth was. It would have been hard to tell etc..."
I decided to wait patiently. The infection didn't just disappear though. The bumps became more pronounced...busting and filling my mouth with this unpleasant whatever...then new bumps would form and so on and so on. The discomfort in my cheek and jaw kept getting worse as did the sneezing. My gums would swell up...the swelling would go down...they would swell up...the swelling would go down. Again and again and again.
Then one day I got what would prove to be just a tiny abscess on the front of the gum of that tooth, increasing that pain in my cheek. I said, "Enough is enough...I need to get this checked".
Though, I hated the idea of being on another course of antibiotic my gut said I needed to do something. This infection in my mouth should not be.
So, I called the dentist office early one morning and asked to see "someone else." I explained everything that was going on...everything....I stressed that I had an active infection in my mouth. She said she would check and came back to the phone after a few saying, they couldn't get me in that week...the following week the office was closed...the week after that it looked like they were swamped with appointments...it might be a month or so. She did say if I was having pain to go into emergency.
I felt like crying again but I hung up with the intention of going to another clinic...but I knew I would likely have to wait even longer since they didn't know my history. ...so, instead I went into ER and luckily landed a kind doctor who knew a kind dentist (who happened to work at that same clinic) who was willing to see me the next day.
I had the abscess drained the next day and was put on another round of antibiotics. I was hoping this new dentist would do the root canal but didn't want to ask him right there. Decided I would call later and discreetly have my file switched over to him.
When I tried to do that a few days later..I discovered that he was leaving at the end of the month. Sigh. I arranged for someone else to do the root canal but they can only do it in October. (I am thinking now of going to another clinic...if I have to wait that long anyway.)...Well the abscess is back...my mouth is sore...crap and I need another antibiotic....
So, crazy lady? Is this the end of your boring tale of tooth and truth? You got wisdom teeth out unnecessarily when what you needed was a root canal ? You still didn't get the infection in your mouth taken care of when that was the reason for this tale in the first place? So what?
No, it is not the end. Remember how I said I was on a medication for osteoporosis?
Well I have had to go off that medication in April and cannot resume it until this mouth thing is fixed. (The risk of jaw necrosis is not something I wish to entertain). It took me an extended time to get on this med in the first place being that once I discovered the osteoporosis on a test result...I had to wait 7 months to get into my doctor. I would have waited patiently until I got in to see him but the test showed it was mostly in my spine. I already had one compression fracture in my spine. I did not want another! So, I opted to get on the medication as soon as I could, finding another route to do so. It took me maybe four months to get on a bisphosphonate. Anyway...I had taken no medication since April because of this tooth issue.
So?
Remember the violent sneezing I have been doing since this procedure I didn't need?
Well during one sneeze a week ago, I felt something pop in my neck. Never thought anything of it other than, "That's weird!" Now, I cannot look over my shoulder on either side. I cannot roll over in bed unless I log roll. I have a hard time lifting my head to look up. There is this intense pressure in my neck whenever I bend to lift anything or when I wake up in certain positions at night. This is not muscular pain...I know muscular neck and shoulder pain...this is the neck itself. Even though I know cervical fractures with osteoporosis are not common, I strongly suspect that I have a compression fracture in the C-2 -C-3 or C-3-C-4 because of that sneeze.
So?
It is not overwhelming pain or anything. I can definitely handle it. Every now and again I even get nice tingles down my body or a rushing feeling in my head. It is not unpleasant. Just the opposite. (I tell myself it is Shakti, lol) But at the same time I know it means something is going on in the neck spine! If anything, it is restricting my range of motion.
I made an appointment to get that checked. I get in to see someone in early September (usually have to wait months) but wondering if I need an Xray before I go to Newfoundland just in case I need a collar. Sigh! If I am right and it is a compression fracture what are they going to do about it anyway? Not much. Just a collar. Maybe I can get a collar anyway? The thing is I can't drive because I cannot look over my shoulder with or without a collar. D. will have to do it all and that is a lot of driving.
Cole's Notes on this not so "Divine" Tale
Regardless...that is the scene from this not so Divine Comedy that I am watching this human I call "me" star in...bizarre eh?
This character has a tooth ache...fears the consequence of a mouth infection...seeks help...ends up with all these things done that cause problems... a sinus thing.... that causes a sneeze that (possibly) causes a fracture...that causes a certain disability for the rest of character's life....all the while the infection still remains in the background smircking and rubbing its claws together like one the demons in Dantes Inferno.
Who would have thought this drama up? lol
Epilogue
I know I need to do something. I have to take care of this mouth infection once and for all. I also need to look into this neck issue...to take it beyond my "educated guess" to validation that it is another compression fracture (or not...I could be wrong...I was so sure that I had little stress fractures in my shins...but the Xrays did not pick anything up and the pain has finally gone away...after a year...so maybe I am wrong about this too.)
I have to decide how I am going to treat this osteoporosis without a bisphosphonate...if I can. I think this tale might have spared me from even worse complications of the drug. My esophagus is pretty beaten up from all the GERD I have had over the years...this drug will just make it worse. So, during this appointment I am hoping to discuss the need for an Xray for my neck...another bone density to determine a treatment option to see if there is any more mineral loss...If there isn't, do I really need to go on this drug again? ...And maybe discuss the possibility of a gastroscope to see what is going on in there before I start on such a drug if it is determined that I need to.
Sigh...at least the character Dante is not as stupid as some of those demons that gaurd the gates of Hell are. Can this human I call me be playing a role like Dante after all, in this Tale of Truth and Tooth? lol
Regardless, I am impressed at how little this all bothers me. I am not disturbed...not angry and out to make people pay for mistakes...I don't have a lot of trust in the system, mind you...but I think I trust myself and I trust Life more than I ever did.
This, I know, is just a Tale I am observing this character I call me go through and I find myself on the edge of my seat wondering with amazement, "What will happen next?"
All is well!
