Inking Writing Goals

 Write it down. Written goals have a way of transforming wishes into wants; can'ts into cans; dreams into plans; and plans into reality. Don't just think it-ink it!

Michael Kords

Writing Goals for 2025

• Revise, edit, and submit "You Can Write NonFiction" (YA 10-14 yrs) 
• Finish and submit or self publish my novel about my sister ( use writer connection that was offered as readership incentive and support)
• Rewrite and submit again or self publish  "Beyond Fear and Shame - There is Love"
• Chap or chap books...pull 25 poems together with common theme, revise, edit, and submit
• Write "You Can Write Poetry" (YA 10-14 years)
• Publish a copulation of these entries. "Waking Up in a Busy World!" 

Right now I am turning these goals into smart goals with short term focuses. 

I will keep you posted.

All is well!

All is well. 

The Human Curriculum

 The curriculum is your humanity.

Ram Dass

All these mistakes we are making as human beings are intricately designed into the curriculum.  All these challenges, confrontations, and conflict with difficult people, all these 'gains' and 'losses', these so called "successes" and "failures"...are a part of that same curriculum. They are not "mistakes" or "flaws in the design" but very important pieces to the lesson objectives and therefore  to our learning and growth. You can call this course or program "Life", "Being human", "spiritual development 101", "Karma", or "Fred".  It doesn't matter what you call it or how you describe it with concepts and words.  All that is important is the learning. Accept each lesson with gratitude and amazement...and you will go far.

All is well. 

Ram Dass/ Be Here Now Network ( May, 2024) Ram Dass on Identity, Roles, and Living in Truth-Resting in "I Am"-Here an dNow Podcast Ep. 251 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxG1lA0rPEI&t=1940s

Lecturing to an Empty Classroom?

 Absolutely no one according to my blog stats is reading my blog. Just 0...0...0...0 down the post page for months.  This is strange even for me and my limited readership. I don't understand it and I wonder..."Hmm! Whom am I doing this for?" I am standing in that empty lecture theatre again...sharing all I have learned to the space. Still, there is this feeling that there should be at least one student sitting there? Did someone put a notice up somewhere that the College was closed? As long as those that need this crazy thing I offer know that I am here...and then they decide not to come, that's okay, that's on them...but if there is something else stopping them from showing up...that's on me.  I gotta figure that out! Hmmm. 

All is well

Deal With the Cause

 

Don't just fight with the result; deal with the cause. 

Michael Singer

Words of wisdom from today's podcast:

• Start off with respecting and honoring reality
• Ground starting point is understanding the laws of nature, of science, of psychology...not a chance in the world that ppl are going to be the way you want them to be
• transcend lower drives...animal nature = external evolution
• transcend the psyche and its lower nature= internal evolution....
• step back and be the awareness that is aware...be the one that is watching what is going on in there instead of being the something going on in there
• just see...don't fight with your thoughts...just see them and look deeply into their root
• don't react to what you see inside 
• The key to deep spiritual growth ...break the attachment to staring at thoughts...feelings...life events etc
• Consciousness is independent of what it is watching
• Your natural energy flow is up
• Who cares what the mind has to say...it is just expressing the sum of its learned experiences
• emotions are what happens when the shakti is trying to come up and it hits your blockages and they shoot out
• level of understanding that says supression does not work= psychology
• Look at this concept that you cannot be comfortable down here and enjoy your life...deal with it
• "I am willing to let this go"...first be willing to look in there and deal with it
• try to make it through the day without supressing anything...without stuffing more in
• relax into what is...stop resisting
• when the old stuff starts coming back up and it will...let it...want it too..welcome...celebrate it...apologize to it for shoving it down

All is well!

Michael A. Singer (December, 2024) From complaints to Contentment: A Guide to inner Peace.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPxJHJcN17A&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2

Ripples On a Lake

 Ripples On a Lake

Tiny reflections of the sun above,

glimmer and dance on the lake's surface,

in perfect twinkling diamonds 

of peace and presence.

The stillness, hidden in the deep depths, 

is called up to dance 

with the power of the Source

as the world sees itself in the mirror.

Standing on the shore, 

I peek in at the reflection 

of my awkward human form. 

I inhale deeply, 

breathing in my only true desire...

that which the lake is offering me now.

..perfection, peace, and presence...

For the briefest of seconds,

I see clearly what I am to see.

Then, out of nowhere, 

the wind blows ...

and a leaf...a tiny browning leaf... 

is pulled from the nearby branch

that it once clung so tightly to.

It falls, twisting and turning, 

in effortless circles. 

I watch as it slowly and surely drops 

in one big exhale from my distracted Life 

to the perfectly still surface of this lake. 

It lands in the center 

of my visual field

and in an instant

stillness is disrupted.

Creating a tiny ripple...

a tiny disturbance 

in the perfect peace and presence 

I have been witnessing,

the tiny ripple extends outward 

into another tiny ripple and another... 

until my reflection 

becomes a blurry mess.

I gasp in resistance 

as the image of who I think I am, 

the clarity and perfection,

the peace and presence of this lake 

is disrupted.   

 I spit out that disturbance 

from my struggling lungs. 

I watch as these ripples 

swallow up the stillness

and I shout out "No!"

I know I must do something about it. 

I jump into the frigid depths. 

Splashing and splattering, I swim

towards the leaf at the center. 

With great desperation and contempt 

I swoop it up with my trembling hand. 

It and the weight of my resistance 

are like a heavy anchor within me.  

I am pulled down into the depths. 

Though there is something 

oddly reassuring and familiar  

in these waters below the surface... 

I refuse to be swallowed into an abyss 

I cannot make sense of with my mind. 

So, I struggle to surface

creating more ripples, 

more disturbance 

with every splashing effort I make. 

The ripples turn into waves, 

and the waves into rip currents...

I choke on the turbulent water 

as it fills my lungs 

with each breath I take in. 

Yet, I will not let go.

I cling to the leaf even tighter. 

Somehow, I manage, with leaf in hand, 

to awkwardly and painfully make my way 

back to the shoreline where I, 

crawling on exhausted limbs, 

pull myself up from the lake 

with its now thrashing waves. 

I collapse into the sand, 

the cause of disturbance tucked neatly 

in the palm of my clenched fist. 

I will not let it go. 

I will hang on to it as a reminder

of what I must do.

It takes a long time for the waters 

to return to their pure state...

to perfection, peace and presence... but they do. 

 I smile then, 

pleased at myself for my accomplishment 

as I watch the sunlight flicker and dance

once again on the clear surface. 

I can rest.

That is until... 

the wind blows again

and another brittle leaf

 falls to the lake's surface

to start the rippling all over again.

©Dale-Lyn, September-December 2024

A Simple Idea of Christmas: Gratitude and Love

My idea of Christmas, whether old fashioned  or modern, is very simple: loving others.

Bob Hope

Feeling so much better. The flu turned into a full fledged pneumonia (a tendency this body has lately as it ages) and I experienced a few days where I was struggling for breath. Even though my sats were dropping into the 80's I was refusing to go in. (Do not recommend that choice of avoiding ER for anyone!!).  On Christmas morning, I accessed the provincial evist site again and was so fortunate to connect with an NP that was able to prescibe a short term steroid and an antibiotic very effective for pneumonia. (I didn't tell her about my sats because she would have been obligated to send me into ER...my bad!) The steroids made me feel like I was better before I was lol as well as making me feel like the  "Energizer Bunny", but within two days I felt I could breathe normally, the cough changed to one that sounded like music to my ears (the congestion  began to move around more easily in my lungs), and I felt sooooo much better.  I was a new person.  I continue to feel better though I still cough and have to carry a box of kleenex around with me everywhere...but I can breathe!! So, so grateful for that. 

So, Christmas was experienced through the veil of illness by this body and mind. I am grateful for that too.  I am grateful for how I approached this over promoted season. Finally...finally there were no expectations or demands that this season be a certain way. This, I was hoping, would benefit my loved ones who "suffer" though Christmas expectations.  This season has not been something they enjoyed for many years.  In fact, it is a season they dread...because it poses a great risk. I accept that now...I do not resist it or say that it should not be. Their depression is worse at Christmas. I watch them closely. 

I also...finally...after so many years of saying I was going to do it...made it a no gift Christmas.  I expressed that I would not be giving gifts or receiving them this year.  This relieved so much pressure for me and everyone in my household. We decided to do a charity game night.  I will make my turkey tonight...and we will have a yankee swap where each person buys a small gift bag with a dollar store item in it from me.  They will sign up for a charity of their choice...and they can swap from others or from what is left on the table.  We will play games and the winners will receive another bag.  In one of the bags is a lil Christmas tree...bags are opened at the end of the night. Whoever has the tree ...wins for their charity.  The money earned goes to that charity and I will do my best to match those earnings or at least half match. :) Now, this is what I have been wanting to do every Christamas. This is the stripped- down-from-expectation 'real' verson of Christmas I have been longing for. 

Looking forward to it.

All is well!

Truth and God: The Path of No Resistance

 ...Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.

Matthew 4: 4 ESV

No search has been dearer to the human heart than that which brings to us light from God. No study has taken so much human energy, whether in times of past or present, as the study of the soul, of God, and of human destiny. However immersed we are in our daily occupations, in our ambitions, in our work, in the midst of the greatest of our struggles, sometimes there will come a pause; the mind stops and wants to know something beyond this world. Sometimes it catches glimpses of a realm beyond the senses, and a struggle to get at it is the result.

Vivekananda, 2,6. 5 The Way to the Realization of a Universal Religion; Complete Works

This is where belief and faith come in.  We struggle to live by the word of God, to "know something beyond this world" by using the thinking mind to so.  Of course, a belief is a deeply held onto thought and faith is seeking to build strength in that beleif. A Belief is never truth...it is just a thought.  Faith then is not truth either. 

Michael Singer asks in the below linked vido if there is something deeper than belief and faith.

Experiencing directly is that "glimpse of a realm beyond the senses".  It can be more than a glimpse as yoga promises. Yoga is the science of the mind...and it is a pathway to the truth that exists beyond the thinking mind, and therefore beyond belief and faith. 

Consciousness is deeper. 

The real questions asked by an intellectual mind trying to free itself from itself is not "Is this something I can believe in or have faith in?" or even, "Is it true?"

The real question is, "Who has the experience of  believing?  Who has the experience of faith?" 

It is higher consciousness because that is what we are beyond the bread we eat, the hungry heart, the busy world, all our struggles and seeking, and of course, the busy mind. We cannot use thought and intellect to understand higher consciousness...that is like looking in a mirror to figure out who you are.  All you get is a reflection of what you are seeing...not the experience of being. We need to experience the "word of God" directly.

We are like brilliant rays of sun shining down on a mirror.  We are not the mirror we are shining on nor are we seperate little rays.  To understand the Source...from that which we emerged...from that which we are just emenations of...we need to fall back into the Source. 

True spirituality is not about belief and faith.  It is about experiencing what is real. It is not about opening to some "ideas" and the thoughts, feelings, and experiences they lead to and closing to "others".  It is not about preferring one belief or one faith over another.  It is about being open to all of it, to all Life offers.

There are many indirect paths to God. The true path to God is a direct path where there is no resistance.  Every experience of Life needs to be able to come in...be accepted and then experienced.  Experience is the word God breathes into us. We need to stay open to it. How do we stay open?  By not closing. What is closing? Preferring and resisting what is. What do we use to prefer and resist?  Faith and belief...the thinking mind. 

We do not have to struggle to find God...or to hear that word ["om"] that is in every experience we are offered...we just need to stop resisting what is. What is... is Truth... and it is what we seek.  Where is it?  In us and everything we are. 

Spiritually is the path of never closing (no resistance). And guess what? Christ taught yoga. He taught us to stay open to the word of God.

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Sounds True/ Temple of the Universe ( November, 2024) Beyond Belief: The Path to Direct Spiritual Experience. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjAi8KxmJts&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=8

Merry Christmas to All

 Christmas is not a time or a season but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plentous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. 

Calvin Coolidge? or a Jesuit saying?

Though this day is not actually the day Christ was born and a day assigned by a church attempting to gain control over the pagan ritual of winter solstice [the Russian and Greek Orthodox churches celebrate this day on January 7th, demonstrating the flexibility of the date based on Christian calendars of choice]...it is still a blessed day. It offers us a wonderful opportunity to celebrate one of the greatest teachers and the most enlightened of all beings whoever walked the planet, as we model his teachings. And what did Christ represent? Peace, compassion, and forgiveness.

May your day today and all the days that follow throughout 2025 be blessed with peace, compassion, and forgiveness.

Merry Christmas!!

All is well in my world. 

Rousing Up the Infinite Nature in All

 The old Mr., Mrs., and Miss so and so are gone, they were mere superstitions, and what remains is the ever-pure, the ever-strong, the almighty, the all-knowing-that alone remains for us, and then all fear vanishes from us. Who can injure us, the omnipresent? All weakness has vanished from us, and our only work is to arouse this knowledge  in our fellow beings. We see that they too are the same pure self, only they do not know it; we must teach them, we must help them rouse up their infinite nature. This is what I feel to be absolutely necessary all over the world. 

All truth is eternal. Truth is nobody's property; no race, no individual can lay exclusive claim to it. Truth is the nature of all souls. But it has to be made practical, to be made simple (for the highest truths are always simple), so that it may penetrate every pore of human society, and become property of the highest intellects and the commonest minds, of man, woman and child at the same time. 

And as Michael Singer would say...Reality [Truth] has no preferences. I need to remind myself of this again and again. Reality just is.  Truth just is...I don't have the power to change it even if I wanted to.  It just is.  I can close to it as I found myself doing to the reality of this situation that unfolded in front of me. I can close in my attempt to change  or resist that reality. I can suffer. Or I can realize that the sum of someone else's experience is different than the sum of mine....and remember "Who can injure us?".  They cannot injure us...oh they can hurt our egos...our bodies...our minds.  They can injure our attachments and our preferences but they cannot harm who we really are. Let them injure the preferences, the attachments, the ego.  These things are only in the way of Truth. We can handle it all.

Prefer it all. 

The Great Way is not difficult for those who are no preferences.

The Third Zen Patriarch 

Anyway...that is why I am here sharing what I am sharing....to arouse this knowledge.

All is well! And may you have a blessed holiday.

Michael a. Singer (December 23, 2024) Overcoming Suffering through Acceptance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N89gHg73DQU&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Vivekananda ( n.d.) The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda, 2.6 Practical Vedanta and other Lectures. Kindle Edition

Not the Body; Not the Illness

Who am I?  Not the body because it is decaying....

Ramana Mahrashi

I am sitting here with an experience of feeling quite ill.  The body is a remarkable thing...I was exposed to this bug weeks ago and started to experience the  signs and symptoms of it...even missed one day of work because of it...but being that it was not a time for me to get sick and stay sick...there were too many things out there needing me to function...I seemed to snap out of it quite quickly. It didn't go away but it moved to the back burner and started to incubate there, waiting for an opportunity to express itself.  On Friday one of the little viruses said to the army that was now tripled in size behind it, "Okay boys!  Its time...lets divide and conquer."It hit me like a ton of bricks lol. 

I was going to start by saying, "I am sick!" and then I caught myself.  "Am I forgetting all I learned...again??" 

I am not sick...I am perfect wellness....this body that I am in is experiencing a viral infection.  I am not this body.  I cannot reduce the "I am" down to a physical illness. I can not reduce the " I am" down into the body I am in.  The "I am" is experiencing a body that temporarily "has"an illness...I am not an illness.

We say "I have a flat tire" or "I ran out of gas"...when our vehichles have a flat tire or an empty tank...yet once again is this correct?  We identify with this tiny little "me" experience of being in a vehichle with a flat tire or an empty tank. You don't have a flat tire...you don't have tires.  You are not empty of gas...or well you should be empty of gas. lol This car is not you nor is this body...so what is going on in the car is not yours; and what is going on in the body is not you either. 

Illness, is just one of the trillion experiences a person can experience as the body decays.  Wow!

Quite amazing really. 

All is well

Conditionally Okay?

 If you appreciate and honor all the experiences of Life...you are a very healthy human being.

Michael A. Singer

Are you seeking conditional well-being or enlightenment? I had to remind myself over the last month or so that I am seeking the latter. I got lost seeking for a condition...an outcome ...and allowed my ego to convince me that the peace of mine and others was dependent on an outcome. I wasn't a very healthy human being.

What learning from my experience can I pass on?

When you are noticing the emotions brewing inside, remind yourself, "I don't feel like that...I am witnessing this human heart and mind feel like that...I am just watching it all." I had to remind myself to do that. And I had to stand back and say, "Wow! What a show the universe is putting on.  Cool!"

We don't have to suffer.  We just have to stop preferring and expecting Life to be a certain way. Instead of plotting and planning how to get what we want from it ...we should be questioning why we are not happy all the time. 

A Good mantra: 

If I want to be okay I can be okay, but not conditionally okay, unconditionally so.  I can handle this..

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Sounds True/ Temple of the Universe ( December, 2024) Transforming Struggles into Strengths: The Art of Conscious Living. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQWJhpOe_nI&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=4

A Battle for Righteous Cause

 For a warrior there is no greater duty than a battle for righteous cause. It is your duty to challenge wrong doing, and you will be rewarded accordingly...Knowing that pleasure and pain, gain and loss, victory and defeat are one and the same, you must prepare to fight. Do this, and you can only triumph. Gita Chapter 2:31-38

Finding more and more stability of mind and heart even though the body that was holding back a full fledged flu until after the court proceedings were done succumbed yesterday to it. S

Regardless, I am experiencing so much more peace when I ponder the reality that egos are not real...and though people may be overly attached to them and follow their directions...beneath the ego is who we are. Sometimes we do need to stand up in court and say..."No that which that ego proclaims and seeks for itself is not fair or just." 

We say this at the same time we let go of judgment, anger, and hate...knowing that a battling or reactive ego is not who we or they are.

The wise, however, are capable of mastering their own mind. Of tranquil heart, they are free of the anxiety born of the need to acquire and hoard. This is true power! Gita, Chapter 2: 45

All is well.

The Unbroken Self (2024) Bhagavad Gita - Chapter 2: The Power of Knowledge.https://www.unbrokenself.com/bhagavad-gita-chapter-two/

Working to Stay in Grade Six

Just do the work. Commit yourself to not bothering yourself!

Micahel A. Singer

Dealing with difficult people really involves dealing with yourself. I know that, I do ...yet reflection on the last few months reminded me of an old tendency I have of projecting outward. I was focusing so much on "them" and what they were doing, I was polluting my insides with negative thoughts, allowing some nasty seeds from store consciousness to grow up into my mind to take  over my mental garden and I was reacting...putting judgement, negativity, resistance, a big "No! This shouldn't be!" statement out into the universe. etc. I set out to fix and change the circumstances and them...putting so much effort, energy, and time into that "resistance" of what is. Why? Definitely for some logistic reasons but also for some self serving reasons.  I didn't like the way I felt...the way...as my old ego mind would describe it, "they made me feel". ( There was a direct personal pain and there was a pain that came indirectly came from watching my loved one suffer). Sigh!

Then when I recognized these tendencies coming up bringing a host of unwanted feelings with them,  I resisted them. How do we resist our emotions or our samskaras?  Through another human tendency-supression and repression. We push them back down. I pushed it all back down and I was a bit hard on myself.  "You are more evolved than that!! You are supposed to be a yogi!!" I found myself critically exclaiming to myself. "Yet here you are...angry and reactive! All those years of practice for this???" 

It does me no good to condemn myself or anyone else for this very human experience of battling egos.  I know that. Compassion for all...including myself is a crucial step in dealing with this. It ain't easy but compassion will free me from these heavy weights in my heart. 

Condemning them and hating them is not the solution to this problem...far from it...it will only enhance it.  Sure, any reasonable person who could see what they are doing would say, "Yeah...no wonder why you guys are so angry!" It is incredulous...it really is...and so hard for the human heart and mind to accept that others would lie, slander, manipulate, and cheat for their own selfish reasons. (This human's ego slipped into the ring there with that last statement lol) How can one feel compassion in that?

Hmm! Start with acceptance, maybe? Recognize that they "know not what they do" and even though it feels so personally directed towards us, it isn't ( a small portion maybe has to do with us but it mostly has to do with the mess each has within them, just as my reaction only has a tiny bit to do with them and is mostly a result of the mess in me). Recognize that their unconcious (less than evolved) behaviour and choices are based on an accumulation of life experiences that really have nothing to do with us. So many variables in each of their lives has accumulated into what they are doing now. And of course, ego, as it is for most humans, is the director of those choices. My egoic reaction to their choices, at the same time, is my responsibility...not theirs. If I let ego take the reins here...that's on me, not them.  At the same time, I can't beat them or myself up for their behaviours and my reaction to those behaviours. Is it right to beat up a grade five student for not passing a test in advanced calculus? Of course not! They are just not developmentally there yet.  I am not there yet. Learning is a stage by stage process. We are at whatever stage we are at!

Would it serve Life a little better if we had compassion for the learning of that grade five student, accepting where they are without these great expectations to change it or make them be at a level other than the one they are at? Would we serve Life and therefore ourselves better if we didn't see the frustration and acting out they were doing because of  challenging lessons as  something personal towards us?  I work with grade five students and I can see through their behaviour when they are over challenged by a lesson...they will act out and blame me or others. That is the human condition. I do not take it personally...I step back,  and open up a dialogue about their frustration as I encourage them to be patient with themselves before I readjust the lesson plan. I am compassionate. 

Why can I not be just as compassionate with the "them" in this situation? Most humans are grade five students or younger in their spiritual development.  Some of us because we got slapped around by Life a bit in order to wake us up...might be at a grade six level or higher.  So yeah, without adopting a sense of spiritual superiority I may be a grade ahead.  Or am I?  Sometimes when I see the internal mess inside of me rising to the surface I think I have been sent back to grade 2 lol. But in fairness to myself,  I chose to stay in school....I seen the need for such internal work and because I realized whatever I was doing before wasn't working, I sat there listening to the teacher. I paid attention. I did some hard work...I really did.. I moved on to the next level.  Is a grade six student any better than a grade five student? Definitely not...I was just actively in school longer...that's all. 

When we walked out of the court house the other day I encouraged my family to let as much of this go as they could...to not let their focus stay trapped on watching what these people were doing or on the hate and anger they were feeling. I said, "If they pollute your heart and your mind that is on you...not them.  You may not have any power right now to change their actions or behaviours but you do have the power to decide what you keep inside you.  Please don't let it be a "rightful" sense of hate and anger. Yes, you have a right to anger and hate even but having a "right to something" doesn't mean it is the best choice to make. It doesn't serve you in the least.  It will pollute your insides and your life if you insist on holding onto it. Try to change your focus onto the productive things and try to keep your heart open and kind as much as you can. "

They just looked at me as if I had three heads but I will keep encouraging them to do that.  I don't want them giving anymore of their precious life over to humans who are not ready to move on to grade six yet. I don't want them to get stuck in grade five forever either. 

We all must compassionately accept that learning occurs at different levels and focus more on our own learning than that of the others.

All is well

Hmm! So much learning.

All is well!

Coincidence is the Teacher Responding to Our Requests

 

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous

Albert Einstein

Oh my goodness.  As soon as I asked for a repeat of the lesson I was meant to learn with this court experience...no word a lie...a police car pulls in and hands me a subpeona for the attack that happened here last October. OMG! Another court date coming up. Tell me there is no plan to all this that seems so randome and chaotic.

All is well!

Hard Lessons that Hurt

Karma says if you focus on hurt you will continue to suffer; if you focus on the lesson you will continue to grow.

Unknown

People used to to tell me, " Be careful what you ask for!" And I would just shrug my shoulders.   When I so arrrogantly challenged the Universe "to bring it on", I had no idea that it would oblige so quickly and so ferociously.  I hear an "I told you so," coming from somewhere. 

I was convinced I was evolved enough, prepared enough, "spiritually centered " enough as a human being   to demand more from the teacher. To stand up from my seat in an Elementary classroom to say "Let's do a crash course in suffering now so I can flush everything out in one big swoosh."

 Yeah...lol...I wasn't ready.  The teacher obliged and now I fear She is going to knock me off my feet.  

I am trying to convince myself that it is okay if the ego gets ripped off...I want it gone anyway...that sure it will hurt but if we pull it off fast it will be like ripping off a Bandaid. A sting then gone. Nope...I was wrong about that too.  It is more like the months of dressing changes done on burn patients. (I do not mean to diminish that experience by using it in this analogy. Forgive me.)

The suffering of others is part of the learning process. I look around at all the suffering beings waiting  in a que for me to be done with this court thing so I will have some time to help them and all I can think is..."Oh please...I don't want anyone waiting for me to help them anymore.  I want this all to be over soon. I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to be responsible for the suffering of others anymore. It is too much."   Sometimes I reflect and I realize ...I end up hurting the people I love more than helping them when I rush into help. 

I remember a line I used to share with my students when I taught them psychology..."Help is the sunny side of control." I realize, in this court thing...though I certainly had some of the skill set that he needed I was often on the sunny side of control.  Yeah. I apologized to him for that yesterday and I wanted to find a way to apologize to the truly lovely young woman who was representing him. I was harsh in my lack of trust and this need I felt to control the situation. Yuck! I didn't like that part of myself...that was a part of this "me" that I so badly want to scrape off...it was the same thing I was noticing in the others I was pointing a finger at....all ego at play.   It was really clouding my higher Self and I was acting/reacting  from that "hurt little me" rather than this omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent Self.  I recognized the "goodness" of his lawyer as a person as soon as I met her.  I had a very good feeling about her as being a fairly evolved human being.  I picked that up right away and whenever I was in her presence..."Yeah! She is a good person!" ...but.... being a less than evolved human being, my fear based ego started chirping up in my head, "Don't trust! Don't trust!" and I listened to that! Man...I slipped.  This caused  a great deal of suffering for me, as this little human, for 48 hours.  I was focusing on that suffering instead of focusing on the growth. I was sooo reactive!  I felt punished by Karma again, even though I knew that wasn't what Karma was all about. It was a messy lesson I didn't end up passing. 

Once I realized that, I came back to the classroom to humbly say to the teacher..."I made a mistake. I goofed! I took on more than I was ready for.  Can we repeat that lesson?" 

Now, I hold my breath and wait for the repeat lesson.  Hopefully, I learned enough from this week to do it a heck of a lot better next time! 

This is my Karma...all these challenges ...and I am okay with that.  I was hoping my lessons wouldn't involve watching others suffer...but if it is, it is. 

So, I might have failed a course or two...but I am sure Life has some remedial help and repeats to offer.

All is well

What Gaudy Day Denies

 She walks in beauty like the night

of cloudless climes and starry skies,

and all that's best of dark and bright 

meet in her aspect and in her eyes;

Thus mellowed in that tender light

that heaven to gaudy day denies...

Lord Byron

This poem came to me in distorted lines the other day and I had to work with my memory to put it all together...But great poetry (and as I tell my students...rhyme) gets stored in the memory in a nice neat file that is easy to retreive, I was always a bit of a poetry nerd and felt myself drawn to it. I liked the Romantic age because of the rhythm and rhyming.  I was one of the few that actually "studied" it lol and enjoyed doing so. Funny thing is I never really thought much of this poem.  I studied it and it stuck in my memory but I never really thought "much" of it.  Then it appeared out of nowhere a day ago...filling my mind spaces again...Byron's words asking to be heard. Why?

Why with everything I got going on now would I be dwellling on a poem about some guy looking at a woman with long dark hair? What has that got to do with custody cases, betrayal, toxic personalities, dying loved ones, financial woes, the cries for help I am hearing constantly around me and a body with  bones that are threatening to snap underneath me? What?

We went for a walk last night.  I was pondering those words before I even left the house...like I say...they are stuck in there now like an old tune you can't get out of your head lol.  As we were walking...I looked up and I realized I was walking in the beauty of the night.  That beauty that Byron was seeing reflected in someone else. I looked up and there were cloudless climes and starry skies....and all that was best of dark and bright met in her aspect and in her eyes...Whose the "her"? Life...I realized how beautiful Life was; how beautiful each moment was ...a perfect mixture of the  bright and the dark.  That Life was in everything around me...everyone...even in the people who will be sitting on the other side of the courtroom today. I was filled with so much peace!

I have been struggling...let me tell ya...I have been struggling with this that others are doing to my son and to me as a result, how they are letting their broken personalities call the shots as they seek to appease those needy and demanding personas, rather than adhering to  what that "beautiful night" within them is showing them. If it wasn't for the prospect of them taking away his relationship with his kids and they will if they win, I would never have invested as much as I did in this.  I was and still am clinging to so much in regards to being on the receiving end of what these people do and the power they seem to have over our lives. Not only did I let them into pollute my starry night but I clung to them, not allowing them to leave. They (well thoughts of them)  became the "gaudy day" to the point  I couldn't see the stars.

  This thing has consumed me.  Why? Because I let it. We can't control these people.  They believe they are right or at least their egos are convincing them they are right.  They cannot hear what I had the blessing of hearing last night as I walked...the  undisturbed silence that exists beyond court orders, the thoughts and the feelings, the judgments and beliefs, all the crazy things we humans do to make sense of Life, and all the worldly stresses we encounter in the process. There was such a peaceful silence in that space of beautiful night, interuppted only by the sound of my breath or my feet touching the earth. Part of the peace I experienced for the  short time I experienced it last night, came from other words pounding through my head, "They know not what they do." And we have no control.

I do not want to hate these people.  I do not want my son to hate them. I want to find that space beneath all this pain he rightfully feels they inflicted. ( and "I verily beleive that to be the truth".. lol) I  do not want them and their actions consuming our lives any more than they have. Regardless of the outcome (and it is such a consequential outcome) ...I realized last night...we have to let go or it will eat us alive.

We have no control of the outcome. We tried...man oh man we tried.  We had a well supported case but what we are presenting today, my fearing and untrusting mind tells me,  is not so supported based on the decisions of others. I suddenly...because of an old fear inside me...an old samskara related to past events don't trust those decisions but I need to. We have to let go and trust the process. We have to trust not only the process of the law to seek and honor the truth (which I am having a hard time with right now), we have to trust the process of Life in honoring what is.   

I have meditated and prayed for hours and I am not asking that the outcome go a certain way...I am asking that we find peace in whatever the outcome is.  We may not be able to control what come sout of today but we can control how we respond.  We do not have to hate, or resent, or seek revenge. We do not have to let these people eat up our lives anymore than they have. We can learn to build a mind at peace with all below...and a heart whose love is innocent. That is what this Life is about...not winning a court case regardless of the consequences of losing.  

My son will lose so much if that which we are trusting in fails us. On top of that it is paramount that we do not lose our open and loving hearts.  That is my worse fear. Please do not let me hate....Please help me to let it all go...and to be able to accept whatever Life offers us so I can still see and appreciate the beauty of the night. Most importantly, so I can support my son to do the same. I cannot truly support him in the way that is best ...which is not jumping into this ring as his gladiator...but by showing him that what we carry with us from the inside, no matter what is happening out there, is what really matters in this Life time...A peaceful mind and an innocently loving heart...is the best legacy he can pass on to his children. I have to be at peace to show him that.That is what I pray for,  

...But tell of days of goodness spent

A mind at peace with all below

A heart whose love is innocent!

Lord Byron

All is well. 

Finding the Way Through the Cacoon

We are like silkworms; we make the thread out of our own substance and spin the cacoon, and in course of time are imprisoned inside. But this is not forever. In that cacoon we shall develop spiritual realization, and like the butterfly come out free. The network of karma we have woven around ourselves; and in our ignorance we feel as if we are bound, and weep and wail for help. But help does not come from without; it comes from within ourselves. 

Vivekananda

All is well!

The Cat Came Back

 The cat came back the very next day...

On top of everything else my cat went missing outside in the storm for two days. Saw signs of a chase and a kafuffle tracked in the snow on my search for her and I thought she was gone.  I looked up at the universe and said, "Really?  This too?" 

Then the next day after almost three days of being wherever, she was meowing at my door ...dirty and hungry but home.

That was the Universe looking back at me and saying, "Ha! Ha!  Just teasing ya!  Having fun yet?" 

Such is Life.

All is well

December's Breath

It likes me well- December's breath

although its kiss be cold,

Nor yet the year is sealed in death,

Tis only growing old.

Adeline Treadwell[Parsons] Lunt

 Always put this pic up in December...a way of honoring my old girl.  

She loved walking on wooded trails in December just as much as I did. 

 It is almost a magical and healing experience to be outdoors this time of the year. It doesn't matter what is going on as far as circumstances and people...getting out there...makes it all just slip away.  And Life makes sense once again.

All is well.

Missing a Sister

 Sometimes

Sometimes,

I feel you here

quietly sitting in a corner

leaning slightly onto

elbows resting on a bouncing knee.

You do not speak,

do not pass on your funny  stories

or your wisdom.

You don’t blow smoke rings

from  your MacDonald’s cigarette

over steamy cups of King Cole tea.

You don’t pull disobedient strands of long dark hair

behind your ears

the way you used to.

 

Nor do you cough in fits

 

or gasp to catch your breath

 

with each round of bubbly laughter

 

you release into the stale air

 

that I am, too often,

 

drowning in.

 

 

Yet...

 

Sometimes,

I sense you around me.

Hear an echo of that laughter

rumbling between these walls of solitude,

reaching way inside my heart

pulling out smiles

from places I thought were closed.

Faint traces of your perfume will

sometimes

override the odor of the morning’s bacon

that lingers on my drapes

and I will think of you.

You become a warm feeling … then

in the center of my chest.

That spark that once stirred in your cat green eyes

 will settle upon me

making the hairs on my arms dance in delight.

 

Sometimes,

I feel your sisterly arm around my shoulder.

Everything I didn’t say or didn’t do

is forgotten.

I feel peace

as your forgiveness wraps itself

around me in the rays of light

shining in from the  kitchen window. 

I feel your love and I know... 

I know…

 

it is all going to be Okay.

 

© Me 2005

Twenty years ago, on this day, I received a phone call from a very distraught brother that our sister Sandy had died in her sleep. Man, I miss my big sister!

All is well!