The Pull to Play a Part in an Intense Drama

 

There is no normal life, Wyatt. It's just life. Get on with it!

From the movie "Tombstone"

I would like to understand this chronic pull down of awareness to the going-ons of the problematic "me" that most of us are inflicted with.  Each of us as individuals are one of  8.5 billion humans, one of trillions of other beings, held down by the magical force of gravity to an absolutely amazing planet, as we spin around one star in a small solar system that exists in a galaxy of billions which exists in  universe of trillions of galaxies ...and still we focus on this question, "What about me?"  

I look outside and see the most amazing light being reflected off the most beautiful and bright hues of oranges, and reds, and yellows. (My part of the world is a piece of art in the Autumn, a blaze of warm colour that can take your breath away [if you are paying attention]) ) I have amazing trees surrounding me when I sit outside. And the breeze blowing through them is more soothing than any lullaby, more inspiring than any symphony. I have all kinds of wildlife in my yard that I relate to...crows that come to me when I call them, red squirrels, grey squirrels, blue jays, chickadees, occasionally fox, deer, and bear. My grandchildren run across the grass as if they are lions on the Serengeti plain...seeing and experiencing the vastness of it.  I feel so grateful for this world when I watch them, hear their giggles or get swallowed up in a Nana huddle.  I can sit here ...see that yard outside my window, while I type comprehensible symbols on a screen and someone somewhere can read what thoughts I have in my head and understand.  I have books I published sitting beside me...captured symbols on paper that I can share with other humans. At the same time, I have furry four-legged creatures all around me who understand and relate to me in a different way. Who remind me that I am a being of warmth, joy, and love. This experiencing of "living"...of being here is absolutely amazing!!!

Yet....

I watch this human I call "me" in this spot and see how quickly she can go from "awe" of this vast universe to being absorbed in "my" own puny little sense of suffering.  This awareness that is focusing on all the miraculous in that world out there, in an instant, gets pulled down into some drama this "me" doesn't want to be in. A costume is slapped on me and I get so, so lost in the character of "me" again. I become that character and see what is happening on stage as reality.  And the drama is so darn depressing! The plot graph seems to consist only of rising action and little to no resolution.  All dark and heavy scenes...so little light and comedic ones. I go from "awe" to "Oh no! Not now!" again and again and again.

Why, if reality is so darned amazing, do we as humans get pulled down into the drama of Maya so easily. What hold does it have on us?

I feel so heavy lately, so beat down and broken down by life circumstance.  I hear myself asking that very silly question even though it sounds so strange to these ears now that I am waking up. "What about "me"? What do I do about "me"? "My" life is difficult? How do I make it better for "me"?"

Sigh

Then the somewhat awakened mind will step in and say, "Whose "me"? What is the "my" of this thing you call "my life"? Why do you have to do anything about this "me"...about its life. You are not here to make it better for this "me". You are not a "problematic  me." You are an intergral but non-controlling part of this process of Life. Just experience it. Enjoy it!"

Enjoy it?  I want to. I see and know at some deep level what is there to enjoy but how do I do that when the drama on stage is so in your face, when I do not understand the pull it has over me. When I do manage to get off stage and into my practice,  I keep getting a hood thrown over my head and pulled back onto the stage. When the hood is pulled off,  I am the character again who wants nothing more than for the drama to lighten up.

This human drama on the physical plane is not reality. I am not the character. I am the Objective Observer. I know that! I know the answer is to stay off the stage and simply observe what is going on up there, experiencing it from a distance. I do.  Why do I keep getting lost in the character and pulled down to those low energy states? 

I do get to the point where I can step off stage again. I come around a bit for a while, but the drama is so compelling...so demanding of "my" attention. I can't seem to stay off for long. So, I find myself asking Life to fix the script a bit. I ask this on occasion even when I am off stage because I can see that I am on stage so much I feel I have to do something about it. There is so much suffering calling, up there, to "me" from others. I feel all these arms pulling me down. It is so hard to escape it for long. 

I absorb this suffering when I play my human role.  It feels like I am drowning and swallowing  water. My gut is literally sore because I am so full of this dirty water. That is when I ask the questions, "Why? Why "me"? Why have I been casted for this part I do not want to play in this human drama? Why is this play so full of the heavy stuff? Where is the comedic relief?  Where are the fools and jokers who can make this human laugh with silly nonsense?"

 I am tired of trying to soothe all the Shylock's and Lady MacBeth's around me. I try to bargain with the script writers and directors, "You know I love to laugh. Man...I would play this part so much better if the character got a few breaks from the heavy stuff and got to laugh a little more. "  

But...they don't seem to agree. They understand what they are looking for from this drama more than I do, I guess, because the drama just keeps building and building and building. 

I do not want to use my practice as a means of escaping the stage. The stage and all its drama must have some purpose I do not understand. I just do not want to drown in it.  I do not want this amazing consciousness to get so lost in the part that it sees itself as nothing more than a burnt out and depressed human being. I want to remember that I am the Objective Observer...watching and participating in the life of this human but not pulled down by it.

Sigh...

I will some day remember without doubt Who I Am...and I will enjoy simply playing the part of a human "me" without getting lost in that role. I will see and know that the scene outside my window, unlike the drama on stage, is a reality worthy of my undivided attention and I will be able to give it that without being pulled away by a "me" that serves no one.

All is well.