Getting Pulled Down?

You are literally God consciousness staring down at your mind...Keep your head where it belongs...become established in the Seat of Self and you will never get pulled down again.

Michael A. Singer

I am being pulled down...or at least part of me is.  The other part, has found the Seat of Self, and is just watching quietly in the background, squirming around, trying to get comfy. I try to stay back there as the "Objective Observer" and I am getting pretty good at staying longer, but  I am not yet "established".  I too often feel pulled "down"...energetically, thought wise, feeling wise, body wise...into the lower energies, into the lower chakra stuff. 

This human is quite often lately  having an experience of  heaviness, low energy, apathy even? I...as this "me"  don't feel very "good" or "happy". I make judgements like, "I don't like this! This is awful! I want out!" as I observe this experience. I don't resist it, though...I don't run from it...I don't try to make it better. I accept it. I still don't like it, lol and I am fully aware of that. I do want out. I am, however, no longer relying on old ego defense mechanisms of distraction, numbing, supressing, avoiding, grasping, running after, pretending etc to get me out. I know "out is through". Sigh! So, I am facing this bare-naked feeling I was running away from all my life,  that I am now so aware of because it is no longer hidden away.  And to be honest, "It really sucks!" lol.  It is not pleasant! It is so heavy and draining.

But I don't resist it.  I observe it, the best I can, from back here in the Seat of Self. I take out the popcorn and turn up the volume so I can watch it all go down knowing, most of the time, that I am not that which I am watching. I see and know that I am not that which I am watching down there....until

As Michael Corleone in the Godfather says. "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." It pulls me back down.

I feel this "felt experience" of being pulled down in the center of my gut...like a great big knot...like there is a magnet there drawing my thoughts, feelings , and outward experience of life in this physical world down to it ( my outer experiences seem to be reflections of my inner...you know, the old Murphy's law thing.). The solar plexus is where everything seems to be happening. I am so aware of it. I feel it physically : so many little physiological issues there...I feel the tension creeping up from there into my muscles and into my jaw that seems to be permanently clenched. It moves down into my legs and feet. My feet are clenched as well. 

I started writing about this experience in my gut while I was listening to the below podcast. It's so funny... near the end of the podcast Singer speaks to the fact that most people are operating from the third chakra! Go figure... another shout out from the universe to remind this "me" that there is some intelligence so much bigger than my little mind operating here. 

I know that I am stuck in third chakra issues. That is where the knot of  samskara is being tossed around by the Shakti underneath it. I am dealing with survival issues, money issues, and the painful dying of an old ego (and it is a painful process). My buried shame and guilt create the emotional energy that keeps that knot together. I feel it so much, I like to think, because Shakti is below it trying to push it up and out of the way.  Shakti is moving the samskara around like a "clot buster".  Then, like tiny clots dislodged from an artey's lumen...pieces of this samskara are moving around causing discomfort.  

Because I am actively "cleansing" and seeking the death of this protesting ego...shakti is able to get around, in trickles at least, so it can move up into the heart chakra- I do have intense experiences of love, forgiveness, compassion, appreciation for the beauty around me.  It moves up in tiny trickles to the throat chakra where I experience these downloads of wisdom and truth that I share effortlessly, it seems. It even moves up ...in tinier trickles, maybe...to the third eye where I have this clarity to the point of precognition etc... and sometimes it moves up to the Thousand-Petalled Lotus where I am in touch with something far greater than me. 

The Shakti is moving.  I really want to believe that I am cleansing but it is such a slow and somewhat painful process, I get lost in it.

There is still too much of a magnetic pull to this samskara knot in the center of my gut and everything it clings to. This amazing consciousness that I am, this Chit Shakti, this "Man minus mind equals God"  keeps getting pulled down to it. It gets lost in the thoughts and feelings generated there...pulled right in and tangled up in that knot. 

I know at some level that goes beyond knowledge...that that is not me...that I am the one back here watching...but the drama is so convincing at times I forget. 

I get lost in personal mind again and again. My thinking during all this is so bizarre. Without all my old beliefs, habitual thought patterns, mind tendencies...nothing really makes sense. Much to my loved ones dismay, I am no longer excited or attached to social rituals and social expectations. So, I don't empathize enough with their attachments. I see beyond them. I do not hope or dream like I used to.  I just say, "I don't know what I want!"  I do not try to gain reward for my doing, anymore. I still do but I am nolonger attached to outcome. I don't want to be around people like I used to.  I still love people but not in the attached way of "special relationships". I just want peace!

I just want to cleanse. I just want to be free of all these knots that are holding me back. I want this Chit Shakti to flow freely through me, just as this Life  is meant to flow freely through this himan I call "me". I want to get out of the way. I want to get beyond personal mind.

For one who has conquered the mind, the mind is the best of friends; but for one who has failed to do so, the mind will remain the greatest enemy.

The Gita Chapter 6, Verse 6

Conquering the mind simply means learning not to believe everything it says. When we observe the mind from the Seat of Self...we see clearly that we are not the mind.  It is just a tool we get to use. Who we are is beyond mind.

Sigh! 

All is well.