Compassion strengthens your outlook, and with that courage you are more relaxed. When your perspective includes the suffering of limitless beings, your own suffering looks comparatively small.
-Dalia Lama
I'm back and man is it good to be back. Even though we had to leave our now stable patient behind, coming home was a bit of a necessity for me for all kinds of reasons. We can get to the point in our caring and being there when we are no longer serving, giving or helpful. This point can be reached if we fail to take care of ourselves.
After two full weeks of being totally immersed in this crisis at the neglect of everything else, including my own health...it was time to step away for fresh air ( and unfortunately into another ongoing crisis sigh!) Oh well, we need to remember that it is what it is.... that simple.
Compassion
Compassion is a wonderful healing medicine. I have discovered, because of the extreme nature of some of the crisis' I have been dealing with, that compassion for others removes us from our self centered focus. It takes us to something greater and more powerful than our own incessant whining. It takes us away from body focus and into that space the Tao and Buddhist doctrine speaks of.
An Example
On that Saturday two weeks ago, I was literally becoming ill. I had a fever, was achy all over, chills, sweats...flu like symptoms on top of the ongoing pelvic pain I was experiencing. I had resigned myself to a day in bed. When D. came home to tell me he had to call an ambulance for his son...I got out of bed , put aside any intentions I had to allow myself to be sick and I went into crisis mode. On encountering the crisis everything just went away or at least I was able to get beyond it. For a period of time I was removed from awareness of my own symptoms...my own demanding life experiences etc. I realized so profoundly that this Life was not all about me and that this body was something I was meant to use in the service of others! I suddenly had much, much compassion for other beings...all beings actually. I forgot about 'me'. It was amazing really...freeing...like I really had a fever that disappeared.
But...
Forgetting about 'little me' is a great thing...but forgetting about ourselves as part of the larger Self, the larger whole isn't always so so healthy. Compassion has to transfer to Self as well.
Don't Be a Martyr
Martyr syndrome develops when compassion for others at the 'expense of self' becomes the ego focus. It is actually self-serving but in a very unhealthy way. Ego strives on victim hood...and martyrs claim such status. The true Self...however, is neglected in such instances and compassion is therefore limited in its giving potential.
I did not and do not want to go there. I want my giving to be natural and whole hearted which it was in the beginning until my ignoring my body signals became problematic. There is still something going on in my body and my body definitely wants me to do something about it. How can we serve others if we have no transportation to them?
Pain is always a wonderful wake up call. It snapped me away from Self-sacrifice to self exposure. It made me aware that my compassion was being contaminated by my own self neglect. And as Ru Paul would say, "If you can't love yourself; how the h-e- double hockey sticks are you going to love someone else?"
I knew I had to come home and rest for everyone's sake, for the sake of the Greater Self. My fever, ironically, came back as soon as I gave myself permission once again to take care of this amazing, wise body. Hmmm! How amazing is that?
Anyway...we got through the hard part and a little self nurturing is now called for....not for selfish ego reasons but for the greater good. Even Kant could have agreed with that, wouldn't he? It is all good.
All is well in my world.
No comments:
Post a Comment