Earthquakes typically occur along fault lines, which are fractures in the Earth's crust where two blocks of rock suddenly slip past one another. Tectonic plates are constantly moving, but they often get stuck at their edges due to friction. As the rest of the plates keep moving, stress and energy build up in the stuck area. When this stress finally overcomes the friction, the rocks suddenly break and slip, releasing the accumulated energy as seismic waves that travel outward in all directions.
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As if I have rumbling seismic waves within me ready to push my tectonic plates a part, I am a little "wired" these days for all kinds of reasons. I am ready to crack fully open. There is so much going on in my life right now, like preparing for a major move that I have yet to fully process, as well as all the other usual things bumping up against this "me" from the outside. Most importantly, I have this big shifting taking place beneath my surface layers on the inside. My samskara ridden ego has formed the tectonic plates that have kept this life experience stuck on a "me" I was constantly trying to build or maintain. The energy of Shakti, of who I really am, has been pushing up against these plates for decades trying to get them to open so it can be free. Life has finally created the perfect fault line to open me up. Soon this energy trapped on the inside will be set free in a seismic burst.
In the meantime, the earth is rumbling beneath my feet. It isn't a steady ride. I feel so "unstable" as I fall away from what I thought I knew to be true. So much of ego has cracked and fallen away in response to the low seismic waves...in anticipation for the big one.
Two things I realize as I process and do the normal worldly things along this fault line with what is left of a well worn and cracked ego:
The first thing I realize is how freaking big my ego is. How big it has always been. Even after all the cracking open I have done to date ...there it is... still big. As the layers of this psyche onion gets peeled off, I keep expecting to discover, "Okay this is the last layer. It has to be.", only to find, "Nope! Still more ego to peel away."
I can see ego so clearly now...in this human I call "me". It is so obvious and in my face. There is no longer any way of denying the ego twins: Shamer and Redeemer, as they roll around in front of me in some wrestling battle to the death. I see them clearer than I ever did. So, though I still get pulled into their drama, there is something very powerful and freeing about being able to observe them this clearly, at this level of onion peeling. I see how they were developed; I see how they protected me over the years in many ways; how they also got and get in my way to living a full life. More than anything I can see they are not who I am. With every crack and shift they are slipping away to some degree. Though they are still there ...a dominant force in this living experience...they are getting flimsier and flimsier. It is difficult to feel safe within the flimsy cover of protection they offer.
Many of us wear our egoes as protective armour, a way to move around this world making sense of it as we blend safely in. All the stimuli of the world can be filtered through it so we do not get overwhelmed psychologically. When egos are flimsy or cracked, however, too much gets through. I get even more overstimulated in social situations now, than I ever did. Without the sturdiness of this false sense of protection I once wore as a Redeemer ego, I feel somewhat lost. When one sees how full of holes this Redeemer ego actually is, one cannot help but be humbled to the core. There is a thin line between humility and shame, however. Humility is wholesome, shame isn't. Shamer usually pulls me into the latter. My humility is shame-based. Sigh!
I am also seeing, almost from a bird's eye view, that "I am in this world but I am not of it. I am a spirit having a human experience, not the other way around. "
I can see why I have always felt like I didn't quite belong because I don't. This isn't my home. This isn't our home. That sounds woo-woo, I know...but it is beginning to make so much sense to me as ego cracks and slips away. I can see that I never felt at home here...never truly felt safe, like I could be my Self. That is what led me to build the ego in the first place. I needed something that would provide protection while it allowed me to blend in. This ego always felt heavier than it did comforting. It never felt right. I always felt like I was lying to others and myself by wearing an ego. Conditioning and the building of a Shamer ego have a lot to with this feeling, for sure. But there is more.
I see so clearly that ego is not who we are. That it is covering up and leading us to forget who we really are and why we are here. Self is here to experience everything...not just what the five senses can pick up. I see that a lot of what I am picking up in social situations now goes beyond the perception of a "social anxiety" created by a fear and shame-based personality. Truth is....the less ego I have, the less protection there is hiding away the unseen Self's ability to perceive. Other perceptual modes begin to get involved in my experiences. I used to think empathic ability was nothing more than a woo-woo notion, I am starting to feel like it is a real thing we are all capable of experiencing if ego wasn't so much in our way. I am picking up so much from other people now without realizing it. The stimuli seems to unknowingly stick to me until I get home. Then boom! For hours or days after a social event, my mind will be flooded with faces, the words spoken by others, their facial expressions, their behaviours, and their feelings. I will recall images of the environment clearer than it was when I was there. Things I didn't even think I noticed will come to my mind's eye. I will remember so clearly the voices...mostly the tones of those voices. I will reflect on how I acted or reacted to the days events while I was in it. ...re-feeling body sensations or emotions. I mean, like I am really hyper ( not afraid...just wired) while I am there, in those situations at present time, experiencing it seems only through the five senses. For reasons I do not understand, when I get home the floodgates open...those tectonic plates move and wow! All the stuff I picked up without realizing it comes out. Too much for my little human, still partially egoic, mind to handle. It is more than a bit overwhelming. I now realize that what I am seeing and feeling (without knowing it until after the experience is done) is other people's egos, as well as my own. Walking down a crowded corridor is like walking through a very noise-delayed, thick bramble loaded with thorns. I can't see what I walked through until after I am through it and I turn around covered in scratches. Then I feel the overwhelm of a noisy download I wasn't even aware I inputted. There is so much emotion, thinking, sensation that did not originate from this mind and body. I am literally exhausted and will sleep for hours after a few hours in school if I was in contact with a lot of people or if I had a social gathering with friends or family. That is why I may prefer not to repeat that type of social experience ....why I may hesitate to take a supply call for high school, for example. High school is a wonderful place to be but it is also loaded with so much egoic energy. I see now clearer than I have seen before that "overwhelming, overstimulated" feeling is why I wish to avoid social situations like taking a call at a high school. It isn't just laziness, or social anxiety holding me back. I know how overwhelming it can be and how long it will take me to recover. If I am not full out busy during the day and distracted, I seem to pick up more from the students and staff. I do not get that feeling, as much, working with kids in K-5, or even grade six...less ego. (I will get it from the teachers and staff though). It is so strange!
I love people (well most people lol) but I have a challenging time processing through the energy of ego...mine or others. When I am this vulnerable, close to the point of cracking open fully, I feel even less safe when an environment is dominated by ego, as most human environments are. Ego protects us from other egos. The less ego we have, I assume, the less protection we have and the more overwhelmed we get from what we unknowingly pick up at the deepest level.
It's crazy to observe all this and it is complicated to explain but that is the realization I had yesterday.
If I had that realization, maybe you did too? Maybe, you too are feeling uncomfortable in a flimsy, tattered ego that is cracking open? Paradigm shifts are not easy to handle, are they? They are mind-quakes of great seismic activity. That energy we have denied for too long, however, has to be released.
Waking up isn't meant to be easy, I suppose. We just have to brace ourselves for the shifting taking place.
All is well..
