They do their thing...it does its thing and you are back here noticing...breathing...accepting, honoring respecting the pain...that's okay... it will pass...it passes if you let it pass...I can handle the pain...
Michael a. Singer
How I long to let this emotional reaction I have in the physical or "thought presence" of the people I feel have purposefully set out to hurt us, go. When I say us...I really mean my loved one but of course, his family is attached to those manipulations, lies, slander, false accusations and other forms of defamation that took place over the last two years. The attempt to deprive him of his loved ones and rights, also denied us of ours. I, especially , feel betrayed and hurt by those actions because there was supposedly a long time friendship between the one who orchestrated all this and "me"...whoever that "me" was when I saw her as a friend.
This samskara that was reactivated so violently the other night...that felt like "hate" was something I knew I needed to explore. So, after I paced and paced, ruminated and ruminated twisting my hands into knots until they hurt...I eventually relaxed enough to call it up. I had a good look at it, seeing so many other samskaras stuffed beneath it. It was a complicated but very much needed releasing and exploration that took place, thanks to awareness of that hate brewing inside of me..
This situation also unleashed a series of realizations I have always known but suppressed about the nature of this so-called friendship---things others reported seeing years ago, that I refused to see. I spent the majority of my life wanting to trust her. She was the first person I told my trauma story to. I needed to believe she really cared. She became a "martyr" in my eyes...someone selfless enough to befriend such a broken soul as I. I refused to see that she was broken too, and could not see beyond her own brokenness...that my obvious brokenness and sense of being owing to her somehow gave her protective personality strength. The stronger that was, the less she had to deal with what lay beneath it, that which she ran away from. I was nothing more than something that fed her self protective persona with my own sense of unworthiness so she could continue hiding from hers.
I am glad I see that now and am ready to face those relationship realizations that have emerged to be looked at; to see how this present situation is unleashing alot of those things I suppressed and which have intensified my feelings of unworthiness over the years. I see why I couldn't heal in her presence and actually felt worse about myself when I was with her. At the time, I was always so surprised and grateful that someone could say they care about me and call me their "best friend", even when I believed I was so broken and defective as a human being. She was a saint in my eyes simply for being my friend. And in a desperate, likely subconscious, attempt to avoid having to deal with her own samskaras, she used that to build her personality.
I do not blame her for that. Not at all. In fact, I have deep compassion for her when I see that clearly. She is just a human being who suffered and had the same tendency most of us have to stuff and store that suffering; to build a protective personality around it that would save her from having to deal with her own feelings of unworthiness. And she is definitely not responsible for any feelings of unworthiness I had...they were there long before I met her.
When I contemplate this reality as these samskaras come out of me, as they sit by my side to be viewed and conversed with in a gentle compassionate way...I actually have more compassion, for the first time since this battle began, for her in this situation as well. I can see why she did what she did...why she needed to be the "martyr" , following a protective personality habit that has become a part of her persona. She has learned to identify with that persona when it is just a protective layer of image that serves no one in the long run. Instead of facing that which needed to be faced within her own psyche and within her own family dynamics, it was easier to project outwardly at the wrong doings of others, to sit as judge and jury when it came to other people's parenting, and to intervene even beyond was was considered ethically or legally sanctioned. I know we are not the first villains she had to create in order to justify her overstepping in the rescuing of those who didn't need to be rescued, so she could enhance her "saviour" complex. She attempted to "rescue" many others, including my own sister, over the years because the role of martyr made her protection stronger. I doubt that she did any of this consciously...but she definitely did it...or manipulated others to do it. Any pangs of guilt were likely covered up with a personality acquired sense of self-righteousness and superiority. She became so convinced of the need to save, and her self-righteous position to do so, that she has convinced her loved ones and others as well.
In order to save, there must be villains to save from. And this is where the compassion gets tainted with anger and deep resentment bordering on hate. From the beginning, she made my son one of those villains, knowing full well that most of the things she was accusing him of were not true. I am convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that she knew they were not true. Many of the others, maybe, were convinced they were true, and that gave her story and her persona strength, but she knew they weren't. She used his personal mistakes (of which he made many, and he did hurt her loved one in the break up in a dishonest way I will never approve of. ( I taught my kids to be honest!) I felt terrible, absolutely terrible for that... but everything else was a bold faced lie!) to build up a story and a narrative to convince others of her need/their need to intervene and rescue once again. That would strengthen her image of "Saviour".
Even before the custody battle, she made his life there a living hell convincing others she was doing the right thing by not allowing him to have full rights to his children, always intervening, always taking them from him...when it was so, so obvious to anyone who seen him with his children how wonderful he was, She purposefully did what she could to stunt his growth, playing on his mistakes, until she broke him. I was there the moment he broke, and I knew he could not be the father he is now if he staid there in her presence (I was also recalling from experience that subtle manipulation she was also responsible for in my own life)....all while she built up her image of martyr and saviour. Her personality was calling the shots while breaking my son... in an attempt to protect her from what she really needed to deal with. Watching her do that was causing me so much confusion and pain. I couldn't see it clearly then ...I just knew that he couldn't parent the way he wanted to, I couldn't grandparent the way I wanted to under her watch.
I was also very unsure about my own grandparenting abilities...and my own rights to these children. Being around her triggered these core beliefs and memories from my past with her, to the point that I honestly believed I was not as capable as her, that I was not entitled to more time with them. That I needed permission and guidance from them to be a grandparent. It was bizarre...That responsibility, of course, lays with me and my clinging to what I had stored.
I see that so clearly now. If I were not to explore the reaction I had the other night...I would have continued with the confusing hate that was building inside me. I did not want that in me! As that came up, at my request, so many other things came up. I could see what I was storing and the whole picture began to make sense to me.
Not that I have any right to explain her side of the story like I did here and not that she would see or agree with what I observed but this clarity that has resurfaced from the depths of me is so clear, I trust this very perceptive mind. Looking deeply and seeing what was there beneath it did help me to diminish that feeling of hate, to understand to the point of compassion and forgiveness...well almost...still have some ways to go when it comes to forgiving what she is still attempting to do to my son. What she says and does in regards to this human I call "me"...I am okay with that. Fire away,
I accept that she is just doing her thing and that I am simply back here noticing...The more I notice, allow, accept, and even honor the pain that emerges...the better off this human will be. I am truly learning to handle the pain.
I can handle what is going on inside of me, therefore I can handle what you did...I can handle it!
All is well
No comments:
Post a Comment