Be kind to yourself and be patient...put your expectations aside. If you are falling in love with the process and the journey, those external rewards and those big inflection points will happen as a by product of that. But instead of chasing them, just pay attention to yourself and how you are comporting yourself in the minute to minute kind of cadence of our everyday lives.
Rich Roll
I heard those words spoken today and they came at an appropriate time, bringing about two things I was recently reflecting on: being in love with the process of writing/ sharing regardless of the absence of external reward, and about watching how I am comporting myself in the minute to minute experience of living.
I would love to be completely free of expectations. But truth is, I am not completely free of my desire for the added-ons that Rich Roll says will come when we are doing what we love, unattached to outcome.
My sister and I had a long discussion just yesterday on the need to write to write and the need to focus on the process rather than chasing after the elusive literary success. We both, however, openly admit it would be cool to have that success. For me, being known as a writer is one of those things Redeemer Ego craves. It sees it as a way to pull this "me" up from the pit of shame and say to society, "See...see what I can do....and see how I can portray the truth I see in you." In the height of any intense shame cycle...or when I am feeling undervalued by society ( which is often just a misconstrued perception...though it is also sometimes valid)...I go to this fantasy of others becoming awed by my words and seeing what I see. I also want what others see as success and acclaim to put those people who hurt me or looked down at me in their place. I erroneously assume this "special" status an acclaimed writer gets to wear for a while would make me appear superior to those who apparently see themselves as superior to me now. It is just a little redemption fantasy that came full force into my thinking mind last evening. Driving home I imagined standing up on a platform reading from a book I had written and was promoting, looking down to see these people in the audience who look down their noses at me and mine, then wanting to claim that I am at par with them.
Of course, it is kind of ironic that what I write here is often about our need to reflect on, and be mindful of our conduct, our speech, and the energy we put out there. I was mindful last evening and I didn't like what I seen in me. Something deep and dark was triggered from within...something I thought I had already released. I had to quickly come to terms that I hadn't. Sigh!
I had to once again be in the presence of the people who have hurt my family so much with their slander, gossip, accusations etc...none of which were true...yet they are still spewing this toxic garbage to anyone who will listen if it builds on the image of them as the only ones able to provide for the needs of certain others...well one is orchestrating the spewing by convincing and manipulating others to believe something I know in my heart she never believed to be true from the beginning. She is like a puppet master moving the strings of the people around her, manipulating and encouraging them to do the things she does not have the guts to do. (She is afraid of losing her kind and understanding social martyr's image which is nothing but a mask she wears.) And they do it...attempting to control and manipulate the time we have with precious loved ones...convincing others that they are the only ones that can care for these beings in the way they need to be cared for and that we are , not only incapable, but spitefully harming them by not allowing them full access to them. All the lies have been proven in a court of law to just be lies. Whether or not the lawyer is, the court is on our side. We also have enough slander evidence to take many of them on in a defamation of character court action. Yet, we hesitate to do that....the ripple effect of harming the beings we sincerely want to protect could be a consequence. All we want is our uninterrupted time with these beings, loving them, taking care of them, watching them grow. They won't give us that. Why? Not because this one leader of this farce is actually concerned but because doing so would impinge on the image she worked so hard to portray to the world...like their family are super beings that will not give up on their mission of rescuing others from the clutches of evil. In that evil they claim to the world is real, exists only love, care, the meeting of needs, a passing on of values that may differ from their own...like teaching about the importance of being nonjudgemental and sincerely kind to all. As well as lots of fun (They have fun with us...even with Nana and I have so much fun with them!) There is so much I can teach them, so much I can give them and I truly resent that they are not willing to allow that, proclaiming to be the only grandparents...like literally. So much maliciousness and desire to hurt exists in these motives ...it sticks to me like toxic waste when I am around them.And to think that long before these beings were born, I used to call them friends. That pain of shock and betrayal vibrates within me to the point sometimes I feel it will break me. It emerges whenever I see them or deal with their controlling or manipulating antics...brewing up like a volcanic eruption in something akin to hate. Hate! I couldn't believe I was feeling hate or something like it.
That is what I felt last evening...something like hate brewing up within me when they once again started interjecting on our time as if it was only their time. ...that we didn't exist as anything but villains and interruptions in their image seeking...that we had no rights and any semblance of such that they "allowed" was only out of the kindness of their hearts and not out of a court decree clearly expressing those rights. Oh, they put their expectation in a form of a question but when the answer was no...then the strings started getting pulled. When the strings started to get pulled and the overbearing control started, we backed away. Just wanting to distance ourselves from them. When we backed away they got angry...and started doing the things they do in the way they do to regain control. I felt it before I knew what was happening and I had to leave. I rushed out because the feeling in me was so strong and so uncomfortable, I didn't want it in me. I knew it had to be released but was fearful of how it would be released. I ran.
They are not repsonsible for this feeling inside me that emerged that I wanted to run from.Their behaviour and the new found clarity about their hurtful intentions is just a trigger. I am responsible for allowing it to touch my stuff in such a reactive way. I am responsible for my stuff. I have no control over them or their behaviour but I need to master control over how I handle their behaviour. I need to release this samskara within me that gets triggered when I am around people who I know have the belief they are superior or more deserving and /or who have the intention of hurting my loved ones. I feel that grandiosity induced maliciouness hidden behind the facade in more than one person in this group...but especially in her. It is palapable and visceral. I feel it to the core and I know it is real. Yet, this that she feels and does is hers...not mine...I do not have to own it. No matter where she points her finger, it isn't mine. It is hers. I do not have to absorb it the way I do, do I? I do not have to have my internal energy matching that, do I? I do not want to match that or be anything like her.
In an ideal world one could just stay far away from people like that, let them do what they do and allow truth to make things right in the way it does without our interference. Unfortunately, there are events where we will be in the same place and it is sooooo important that the little ones do not pick up any residue of what is happening between the adults. I am confident that they see what needs to be seen in all of us, on this side, as far as sincerity and love. I want that to be enough from now. What others think is truly not important. I just want to have control ove rmy response.
I wanted to have control over my response last evening. I wish this emotional reaction didn't emerge so violently at these times. I wish I could stay Zen when I am around these people...but the truth is that reaction was there for a reason...to show me what else I have to work on. I realize being in their presence is triggering a host of different samskaras at once. And that is good! I want this crap out....I want to release the shame, the core belief of my own unworthiness, my less- than mentality, trauma memories that their behaviour rubs against, this realization that this person -the first person I ever told my trauma story to- was never really a friend and probably wanted to hurt me from the very beginning, my own self-doubt in my ability to care for others without hurting them ( trauma thing) etc...so much. It all comes out in a big gush.
Hmm!Again, they are not responsible for my reaction...I am. I need to release the thorns inside that they keep bumping against...then it won't matter what they do or don't do. I will not be so hurt by them...And karma will take care of the rest.
So, just like I release my expectations for my writing and other doings, I need to release my expectations of them being anyway other than the way they are, and me being anyway other than the way I am on this leg of the journey, whenever I am in their presence. It will take time to process the things that being around them brings up. I need to be kind to myself and patient.. I should even be thankful that they trigger these samskaras bringing them up to the surface for understanding and release. It was the farthest thing from their intention, but they are unknowingly helping me to heal, more than they are hurting me. Sigh!
I will get there.
All is well.
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