Happy International Yoga day!!

Time Passing

 Time will pass regardless of what you chose to do; its up to you how you use it.

Dr Sue Morter

How are you using the time you have?

 

This shot was taken over 15 years ago...it seems like yesterday. So much has happened in this Life since the time I pressed teh shutter release button down.  I have done so much. 

All is well!

Observing Growth in Challenging Times

 

Spiritual development is not an accomplishment but a way of life. It is an orientation that brings its own rewards, and what is important is the direction of one's motives.

David R. Hawkins 

Finally had my oral surgery and all is well.  I have minimal swelling, and pain. No bleeding ( Never thought to go off my aspirin until Monday...guess it was long enough :)).  And...most importantly... I am still here.  Whenever I have a procedure that requires stong sedation or anethesia...I tend to worry a bit.  My heart doesn't seem to like it and I often dip into ST depression which becomes obvious to those monitoring.  I also do this tachy/brady thing and my BP can hit the floor. I usually recover from it quickly enough but I worry just a bit before they put me under. I will prepare people with..."if...just in case this should happen..." I mean that worry is minimal. Every time I am about to go under I remind myself that "what will be will be." I find great peace in that. I also worried a bit about the valve issue  I have and the possibility of an IE (Infective Endocarditis...bacteria that comes from extensive dental procedures loves a faulty heart valve and can do some damage) and because I was on medictaion for my osteoporosis...knew I was at a higher risk of ostenecrois of the jaw ( not a pretty thing to have)...so those were on my mind but not as much as one would think.  "What will be , will be" filled my mind and my heart. I was ready to accept it all. As for the pain I was told I would have postop...not a problem either. The prospect of physical pain doesn't scare me too much. I have had lots of experience with that over the years and have found a way to use it as part of my practice. So, it is all so very good. 

I like to see how much I have grown as I reflect on my handling of these semi-challenging experiences Life provides. It is pretty awesom...this "I" benetah the "me" is pretty awesome. I have grown so much.I can stay calm and peaceful in so mnay "big" situations.  That being said I might still freak out...just a bit...if someone drinks the last bit of milk I need for my tea :) 

All is well.

Weird?

 Weird: very strange and unusual, unexpected, unnatural.

Cambridge Dictionary

"Weird!" is a word that always triggered me. I have had a life long fear of being seen as different, of standing out enough to be be noticed in the not so nice way, of not being like the others, of disturbing and causing waves. I always knew I was different in so many ways...I seen things differently, my heart picked up and felt things differently, and my mind worked differently than those around me. I spent my life trying to squish the different down, to be like others so I wasn't seen as "weird!" I was very, very sensitive to and triggered by that word. 

I am done with that I think.  I want to embrace what it is about my thinking and feeling and percieving that is so different from the masses. It is pretty cool. 

I want that word "weird" to get past my resistance and trigger whatever is left of that internal wounding so that it can finally be released. I want to be free of that which blocks the energy that carries  no differences, no judgement, no distinction in it. Bring it on! Call me "weird!" if you need to.:) 

All is well! 

Hearing in Silence

 In silence you hear what the soul wants to say

Gaur Gopal Das

I listend to this podcast today and really got pulled in to the wisdom of this Indian monk. The topic was on silence...on the wisdom of filling that space between stimulus and response with precious healing silence rather than reactivity and emotion. 

Though I often speak of this, I could never have said what he said so eloquently. So, these are some words of his I scribbled down as I was listening but please listen for yourself. 

• Noise Distracts Silence connects.
• A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep

• Silence is not your weakness...it is your quiet armour
• Silence is about creating space...it builds bridges where noise builds walls
• It is the one who listens deeply who speaks the most powerfully.
• Silence gives weight to words
• The inner voice whispers...it doesn't shout
• If we listen beyond the volume, we might find compassion rather than offence.
• Silence can fill that space between stimulus and response beautifully.
• Silence isn't inaction...it is preparation.
• Respond with maturity
• Don't let emotions hijack your character
• Silence is not ignoring the storm; it is choosing not to become the storm.
• There is immense dignity in restraint.
• Sometimes silence and space are the most healing responses.
• Stop bleeding for someone who wouldn't even hand you a bandaid.
• When your mental health is suffering...when your joy is being drained... it is time to leave the room. Take the walk. 
• I do not need to be understood to be at peace...
• Silence and walking away are sacred boundaries... they [the individuals who partakes in these choices] realize their Light is not a tool for someone else's darkness
• "I respect myself too much to stay in places that don't."
• Silence gives you time to respond with wisdom rather than act with emotion.
• A single sentence spoken in anger can create wounds that take years to heal or never heal at all.
• We need to learn to allow silence to become our first response.
• Speech should be meaningful, purposeful, kind. "Will I be proud of these words tomorrow?"
• Silence is not the absence of strength;it is the presence of it. 
• [Silence allows us to consider in a hetaed situation if we are  compromising or abandoning our truth.]
• Eveything you need to know ,you already know...It is buried within...and silence is the shovel.

All is well.

Love Guru (June 16, 2025) Silence is Sometimes the Loudest Strength. /Gaur Gopal Das/ Best Motivational Speech https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DNHQQCvszI

Blasphemy or Ego's Hold?

 

Your ego is where God should be.

Michael A. Singer

Do you believe that statement?

I remember hearing this many times from Wayne Dyer:

E.G.O= Edging God Out

I have come to see that we are either experiencing Life through ego or through God. Most of us are experiencing Life through ego because we are conditioned to do so. 

I don't think we can experience God (in whatever way that Truth becomes the 'felt experience' for us) as long as we are focusing on this little "ego" that is never okay, and that is constantly telling us we need to get to someplace up there in the future where "everything good"  is to be okay.  Yet, when we try to "get to this somewhere", "doing" what we need to do...we do not get anywhere. 

Why? Ego is in the way. And you know what the conditioned ego tells us? "Goodness/joy/peace/love (=God )is way over there and you are here...you are this "seperate, little me" and God is something so grand you can never get too close even though it is your human mission to do so". 

Kind of mixed messaging, isn't it?  "It is your duty in this life time to return to God and all that is 'good' but you can not really return because God is too far away both physical distance wise and hierarchy wise." 

Is this truth?

First of all, I see clearly now that we never left God and we couldn't if we tried. We were just conditioned to believe we did. We  use this amazing consciousness to create this distance between God and us. We use this amazing consciousness that is God to make this seperation and to shine it down on ego. We are, in a sense, edging God out to focus on ego. 

Why do we do that? Ego is absolutely nuts and will never be okay, never! As long as we focus on ego, seeing it as who we are, our insides will be a mess. We will be constantly trying to protect it, defend it, build it up, listen to it, do its bidding etc.  Man, it is crazy.

The consciousness is addicted to staring at the mind, the body, the emotions and the tiny, tiny bit of the universe you get to experience.

But we have come to believe it is better to live as sick little egos than  it is to recognize that God is not 'over there' but 'in here'. We think our focus on ego is the "holy" thing to do- that we are suppose to see ourselves as pitiful little bodies and personalities that need to worship and revere something that is so far from us in distance and grandeur. If we dare think we are not removed from God, that we are Sat Chit Ananda (existence, consciousness, and bliss), then we are being blasphemous! 

Blasphemy? 

What is that? We are said to be blasphemous when we profanely insult God.  It is a word often heard in religion. It is a word I have been thinking a lot about lately.

I also heard  it yesterday when I was watching yet another cult show (a bit addicted). There is a recording of Jim Jones saying to his followers who he literally detained at Jonestown, "You want to leave here? That is blaspehmy!! Blaspehmy!!"

Did these people who wanted to leave their imprisonment insult God, do you think?  Or did they insult  the very unwell ego of the leader that was holding all their passports? Is blaspemy about ego or God?  Isn't it only an ego that can be insulted?  Do you really believe God has an ego that can be insulted? I don't.

Are we insulting God, then, when we recognize the Ananda body within us...knowing it isn't out there but within us...hidden underneath ego? Are we insulting God when we remove our attention from this self made construct-the sick personality- and place it back on that holy place within? Is it really blasphemous to recognize who we are?  Or is it just the egos of others who throw that word around in fear we will abandon their egos and our own?  Is "blasphemy" ego's word or God's? 

"I am this little thing!"

..."You are not. You are staring at this tiny little thing."

We are staring at the wrong thing. Ego has photo bombed too many of our moments thus far by jumping in in front of God with words like "blasphemy".  We need to take this amazing light of consciousness and look beyond the ego to what is there, was there, and always will be there.  That is where we should be focusing our lens. Ego is going to jump around in the forefront causing all kinds of noise and distraction.  We don't have to beat it up or yell at it to get it out of the way.  We do not punish it for doing what we created it to do. We simply say, "I have already got so many great shots of you Ego, thank you.  Now would you stand over there while I continue my shoot. It's time to shoot the backdrop...the landscape...the sky...the background that contains all there is. " We put and keep our focus there.

Hmmm!

I did up this video a day or so ago, ironically at a time when I was pondering the word, "blaspemy."

All is well in my world.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( June 16, 2025) The Addiction to Self: Breaking Free of the Ego's Hold. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-_FU0O_GbE&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

A Greater Benefit?

 Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.

Napoleon Hill

Almost 15,000 views this month? I don't think so lol. Maybe a few a day which I am very grateful for ...thank you... but certainly not the 500 plus the stats page is showing. This blog, and me as the writer of it, remain obscure. I should entitle my blog, "Obscurely Waking Up in a Busy World!"

The thing is I am okay with obscurity...I really am!  Sometimes, as I have often mentioned, I prefer it. My waking up is something I may feel compelled to share but I certainly do not want to broadcast it. Notorieity is not my end goal here and either is making it rich. Still, I feel the need to share as I learn, and to learn as I share. Even if there is not one reader, I will continue to write here. Sigh!

 I definitely never intended to make money writing about my personal waking up experience. Actually, I I gave up on the notion that writing could be a source of income for me long ago.  I am not sure if I ever truly believed I needed to make money writing. Sure, I often  imagine (briefly) what it would be like to be able to climb out of this financial hole I am in because of a "writing ladder" thrown down to me by the Universe...but I could never entertain that thought for too long. Writing has always had more intrinsic value for me than extrinsic, anyway. 

My very scientific minded daughter, who strongly resists the "woo-woo" in anything I share, told me yesterday that she believed I must have been given all the financial struggle I endured over the years as some sort of life lesson. "I don't know anyone who has been hit, like you have, by challenge after challenge always leaving you struggling to survive. You worked and work so hard; you are well educated, you have talent and skills yet you never seem to get a break. The craziest things happen or get in your way. I don't believe in all that spiritual stuff you do but I don't know how else you could explain it. It's too bizarre! You must have lessons or something to learn from being poor and struggling like this."

I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "First of all...not poor...have more than many but maybe, you're right. Maybe there is a higher purpose for this struggle!"

I want her to be right.  I want to know all this struggle is for higher reasons.  I want to believe that I chose this struggle for learning and growth reasons I have yet to understand.  I do not want to believe that it is all going down like this because I am projecting a lot of internal negativity outward into the world, or worse, that I am being 'punished.' Sigh!

I don't mind struggle and challenge.  I really don't. If you tell me there is a higher reason for this experience of suffering I will say, "Bring it On!" And most of the time, I know there is a higher purpose for it. I accept it graciously. Other times, doubt creeps in and hisses that it is all random, meaning nothing, or worse...that I am somehow to blame for the whole mess. I have a hard time accepting it then. 

Anyway...most times I accept my obscurity and lack of finacial well being despite my writing effort very graciously.  I do.  But it would be really nice to know without any doubt that it is all for a greater benefit.

All is well.

The Ideal Situation

 The ideal situation is the situation you are facing right now.

Eckhart Tolle

In the below linked video Tolle reminds us that life is giving us exactly what we need...or...we, at least, have the opportunity to learn and grow from any situation Life hands us. Especially as we age. 

Age is a step into the wisdom years because at a certain point of our life cycle the "me" we worked so hard to develop as a 'conceptual identity' can no longer be maintained. We stop working and therefore stop being so called "productive" members of society; we can no longer bear children to continue the species; our bodies are not as active as they were decades before; attractiveness fades and we realize that death is getting closer. We simply get tired trying to maintain and hold up the facade we were holding up for decades. There is no sense, it seems, keeping the pretense going. Personality...this self concept of me...falls away revealing the wise Self that was hidden in the background all along. This "Wise Self" is the greatest gift we can give others. It is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. When it is in charge we radiate peace, love, and wisdom. We have the internal strength to face whatever comes our way and we model this peace and acceptance for the younger generations. 

Tolle also shares in the video that he was recently diagnosed with cancer. He states at first "the personality" was shocked and reactive but quickly the wise  presence in the back ground took over. He described it as "It was as if I died already. " There was no more reactive and fearful personality in the way. There was just peace and awe as he observed yet another life situtation. Hmm!

Anyway, whatever you are facing right now is the ideal situation for your spiritual growth.  Whatever I am facing right now is the ideal situation for mine.  Let's see the peace and wisdom in that.

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle ( June, 2025) Aging as a Path to Inner Stillness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPupI00nvm8&t=617s

No Other Teacher

 There is no other teacher but your own soul.

Swami Vivekananda

I binge-watched three docuseries on Disney about cults this week. 

I am addicted to cult shows.  And I wonder why I am?  I am so curious as to why people "follow" others...giving up everything, not to serve the message or teaching (which I can understand to some degree), but to serve the human form of the teacher.  I am so curious to know what it is about that leader that pulls people in and gives them that power over the follower's minds, convincing them that the teacher's life is so much more worthy than their own. How do they convince the follower to follow mindlessly? How do they hide this destructive egoic tendency to want power, and complete unquestioned devotion for as long as they do? Why do they think it is okay to hurt, manipulate, and destroy others just so they can get their selfish needs met...and how does it take so bloody long for followers to realize this is happening? Does some part of the leader actually believe they are right and deserving in their position or chosen role, making their presentation authentic to the follower and if so, how or why? Are they psychotic with delusions of grandeur? Or just sociopaths that know what they are doing isn't morally sanctioned by the majority and do not care?

How do they get people to follow them so blindly and so completely selflessly? Do they use some form of hypnotization? We often hear the term "brain-washed" but what does that mean?  These leaders seem to understand the human mind so well and are able to apply the right techniques to break through the will, resistance, and self-preservation that make their followers into blind servants rather than doubtful questioners. Where do they learn this stuff and more importantly why did they learn this stuff?  Did they decide one day, "Hey when I grow up, I am going to become a cult leader, so I better start studying all about mind control now"? 

Many of these techniques take so much time, energy, effort, patience, pretending, keeping it all together on the outside. and commitment. How does such an egoic and selfish mind maintain that "guise" and momentum for as long as it is required? Even the greatest and well-trained actor will become tired, falling out of character from time to time. 

Through the numerous documentaries I have watched about so many different modern day cults, I have seen how leaders sucked their followers in by offering them what they believe is needed at the time...spiritual salvation or personal healing. I seen how so many created the appearance, in the beginning, of not having an ego or personal agenda.  They seem so selfless and loving, making the follower feel they really cared about them. Once committed to the teaching and the group, they add rules for living... first shared to assist the follower to heal, then the community they are building together to thrive, then the message they are sharing to best reach the world, and finally confusing rules to serve the personal needs of the leader as if that is only just and right. I have seen the use of thought replacement...the substituting of the follower's thoughts for the leaders. I have seen the use of constant and persistent interrogation in these shows in most cults, in one form or another. The creation of a deep sense of vulnerability by the sharing of deep secrets makes the leader more powerful when they become the secret holder.  I have seen the purposeful and gradual diminishment of self esteem and confidence. ..so slow and methodological. Then there was the creation of physical and mental exhaustion through hard physical labour and long hours, and a lack of sleep and nutrition. The followers become " unpaid workers", "volunteers", "slaves", or "servants".  The physical and mental body of the follower becomes drained so they are more likely to submit. So, so much "gas lighting" making the follower constantly feel they were not doing enough, or doing it wrong, hurting the leader, others, or themselves resulting in a need to repent or make amends. Then there is the repetition of mantras, sayings, or written messages that one cannot escape. How do the cult leaders know to use these techniques and did the leaders set out to learn them so they could gain control of the minds of others?

Most of these leaders...have hidden and secret backgrounds that indicate they might not be the most trust-worthy of souls.  Of course, these backgrounds are hidden by a change of name or a redeeming /victim story. 

Some leaders share and teach a beautiful message that truly could serve humanity in the long run. Do they even believe in the teachings and messages they teach? Did they at least at one point believe them?  Or do they just learn them because they know certain others will, and thusly know they can use them for their own selfish motivation? 

And what about the follower? I think anyone could become a follower and get lost in such a cult very easily.  I do not think the people that are targeted are "weaker" or "stupider" than anyone else.  In fact, it has been shown that very intelligent people join cults! We see that many have been "indoctrinated" into the teachings since childhood and it is easy to see why they follow their "appointed" leaders blindly. Others come into such followings later in life, usually at a vulnerable time when they are in need of some healing. Their indoctrination may be quicker but likely just as methodological as it is for those born into cults. It is funny that it is a desire for "peace. love, and harmony" that lead many into those organizations that cause pain and discord.

Hmm! People aske me, "Why are you so interested in cults and cult leaders? Are you thinking of becoming a cult leader and need to learn how?"  I can assure you that is the farthest thing from my mind.  I don't even want to be a leader let alone a cult leader. But how would you know that, right? Most cult leaders say they don't want to be leaders, don't they?  Anyway, not what I want. lol

I think I am interested because I am so interested in the messages many cult leaders teach...I mean the original message they use to gain followers. The guru is so important to the teachings I follow but I do not necessarily agree.  I personally couldn't trust a guru. Many of the modern day yogi gurus have been said by ex-followers to be cult leaders.  I thusly question every teacher out there, not just the yogis...especially those who have a following...and even more...those who have "volunteers" helping them at the retreats and teaching sessions they offer.  I watch to see what the teacher is personally gaining...and if they are making a lot of money off of their sessions while the "volunteers" who work 12-16 hour days make nothing. That throws a wrench in...let me tell ya! Many of these leaders are going to profess to doing "humanitarian things" with the money they make and they likely are but what is happening with the rest of the money? I watch for egos when these teachers are speaking. How often do they use "I", "me" "my" or "mine"? Are they claiming that the ideas and teachings they are offering are their own when they are not? I watch to see if they are taking ancient public domain practices and taking ownership of them...calling them their own after a few tweaks and re-namings.  I see that a lot. I watch to see if they are claiming "enlightenment" when so few on the planet have attained that.  I watch to see if they profess to the general masses that the only way one can become saved or healed is if they follow them and their teachings. 

I want to know the back story of the teacher.  I want to know if they are genuine. And even if they seem so articulate and genuine in their presentations, I don't automatically believe they are such. I watch for victim stories, "I was falsely accused"..."I was unjustly disowned by my family." etc. I want to know more about that. I do not give much heed to how they present themselves and what others seem to think of them.  I am fully aware of the sincere, charismatic and attractive persona, even the most dangerous amongst us possess. Were these teachers accused of immoral acts in the past?  Then, I watch for what ex followers have to say and the accusations made against these teachers. I would demand all the facts before I personally judged if they were innocent or guilty. 

I guess, it is so much easier for me not to have a guru lol and even, easier never to be one!!! I think learning should be more Self focused...more inward than external. I continue to separate teaching from teacher.  I still enjoy exploring the teachings of those who have been later accused and convicted of cult like activity.  The teaching they happened to share/use in their own unique way...the teaching that comes from ancient sources...is often still so beautiful and truthful. Whatever they may have done with it...cannot damage the truth.

Hmm!

All is well in my world. 

Getting Back Up Again, and Again, and Again

 Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.

Nelson Mandela

All is well

Many Paths, One Destination

 It doesn't matter which plate we eat from as long as we eat. To get to the point of complete dedication, many different routes are available: hundreds of paths, religions and philosophies, all with one ultimate goal. It is immaterial what we do to acheive it as long as we achieve it. 

Satchidananda, Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, pg 142

All is well in my world

Supple or Stiff?

 Physical and mental toxins create stiffness and tension. Anything that makes us stiff can also break us. Only if we are supple will we never break.

Satchidananda

In other words we need to be able to relax into what is, both on the mat and off.

Serendipity again. 

I was reading a little Indian story yesterday, found in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, about a weed and a big tree. The story was found in the description of Sutra 46 in Book Two: Asana is a steady, comfortable posture. Satchidananda was basically using the story to illustrate how we should not only relax, with flexibility and steadiness, into the uncomfortable postures of Hatha, but also into the "uncomfortable" situations of Life.  We begin by removing the judgement "uncomfortable" and "comfortable". We need to remove all judgement.

Well, I thought of that story and contemplated coming here to write about it today. Morning came, and one thought after the other led me away from that intention until I heard Michael Singer mention the "Oak Tree and the weed" in his podcast. It was like a zap of lightening to my memory cells activating them all over again. 

The story goes like this (my version):

The seed of a weed, picked up and blown randomly by the wind, landed near the trunk of a mighty Oak tree that grew on the bank of a fast-moving river. (Though the tree in the Indian fable was likely a Banyon tree, I will use the Oak tree in this story because Michael Singer used this type of tree in is analogy. I also have big Oak trees in my yard that deserve a shout out.) 

Feeling awkward and displaced, the weed grew quickly, as weeds do, but even still it barely reached the first knot in the great tree's base when it was fully grown. One day the big oak tree happened to look down to see the weed standing so closely to its trunk that it brushed against it when the wind blew.  The tree was outraged, "How dare you, puny, insignificant weed, stand so close to me, let alone have the audacity to touch my bark! Do you not know how mighty I am? Aren't you ashamed to have your meager weedy form touch my majestic strength and solidity?" 

The flimsy little weed trembled beneath the breath of the mighty Oak as it looked up, way, way up the never-ending trunk that was so stiff and solid, "So sorry...so sorry. It was never my intention to get so close.  The wind has dropped me here.  I had no control over where it took me then and I have no control over how it blows me now.  Forgive me." The weed, in shame, dropped its eyes and curled its limp body forward.  "And yes, I am ashamed very, very ashamed when I see my puny self so close to such majesty and power. I know I am not as strong, stiff, and sturdy as you are.  Please, please forgive my presence here, oh Mighty One."

The tree boomed back, "Well, there is not much I can do now, is there?  It is your bad fortune to be so close to the likes of me.  How embarrassing it is for you to be compared to my great strength and size, my solid, unmoving stiffness" snorted the tree as it flicked an annoying Eagle off its branch. " Not even an elephant can knock me down...but you...you can easily be squashed by a child's foot or eaten by the smallest rodent. The people and animals of the forest will laugh at you when they walk by. Such a poor pathetic mistake of creation you are." 

"I know, I know said the weed." Its little voice barely heard over the rustling of the
Oak tree's leaves. "Please pardon my presence while I live out my lifespan here. Take heart in knowing, it will be much shorter and much more unnoticed than your own."

"Hmph!" the big tree conceded, "Yes that is true...but you better mind your place when you are near me, little weed!" 

The weed agreed and did its best to stiffen and steady its little body whenever the wind blew.  It struggled against the forces of nature that made it bend towards the tree, and it did everything it could to lean in the opposite direction whenever the wind pushed it toward the tree.  Its efforts were useless.  The little weed had no solid strength.  It was at the mercy of the forces around it. It had no choice but to bend with the wind when the wind blew. 

"Oh, I am so pathetic!" said the little weed one day when the wind was especially strong moving it this way and that way.  

The big tree looked down at the weed and smirked, "Yes, yes you are," it laughed. "Just watch how strong I remain in this upcoming storm, pathetic little weed.  How it cannot hurt me in anyway even when it destroys you. "

Just then a big clap of thunder filled the air and the dark clouds above their heads, now black and menacing, opened up to let a torrent of rain fall upon them. It rained and rained, and the wind speed picked up making the leaves on the Oak tree's branches screech in delight.

"Bring it on" the cocky Oak tree called out to the storm, laughing at how powerful and unmoving it was. It stiffened even more against the wind refusing to bend at all.

And the storm obliged.  It rattled the big tree's branches even more. It tossed all animals and debris around in front of it.  It stirred up the water in the river beneath them making rip currents that jumped up to lick the exposed roots of the big Oak, pulling down the soil of the bank into its belly, as it did. It pushed the weed this way and that way making it nauseous in the momentum.

The Oak tree just stiffened up more against the storm, showing off its amazing strength. The little weed looked up at it in awe.

Then in one big gust of wind the weed was knocked forward into the earth.  It could not move. It could do nothing but relax into the soil in which it landed.  The wind was so loud the little weed could hear nothing but its cry.  It was sure it was the end.

"Goodbye Oh, Great Tree.  I guess, this is the end of me." The little weed relaxed into the idea that these were its final moments on Earth, and it went to sleep. 

It woke up when the storm had passed. The sun was shining kindly down on it warming it to the root, like it had never been warmed before. It lifted itself up stretching into the light. "I am still here, oh, Great Tree," it cried in delight, turning to where the tree once stood only to discover it was gone. A large piece of bank was missing.

"Where is the tree? How can such a great and sturdy thing be gone?" 

From somewhere up the river the tree's reply could be heard. "Oh little weed, I have been pulled off the bank by the water because I was too stiff and rigid, too arrogant and unbending.  I should have been humble, and simple, and supple like you. Strength, I realize too late, comes in bending and relaxing into Life. It comes with flexible allowing. Like you have done little weed, like you have done." 

The tree was swept away and the little weed continued to grow strong, bending and blowing with the wind in the humble way it has always done.  

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( June 09, 2025) Unconditional Love Is Who You Are. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3x3gJzVjG_Q&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Beneath the Mistaken Identity

 Our true self remains deeply hidden, incognito, submerged beneath a web of mistaken identities.

Stephen Cope

Exposing the True Self requires getting rid of the false ones.

Yesterday I wrote about standing in a basement of a house recently destroyed. When the walls and upper floors came down the messy basement was exposed, the insects hidden in the dark corners emerged and they were angry. The basement represents the stored consciousness of our psyche...well "my" psyche. (I used a lot of "me" "my" and "mine" yesterday in this analogy but it is a very universal experience as humanity goes deeper). The insects (Singer refers to them as cockroaches, I am more familiar with spiders) represent the damaging core beliefs I encouraged to hide in dark corners. I stuffed them away so well...I completely forgot about them and they were happy to hide. They were not too happy to have the light of conscious awareness on them. They came out fast and they bit hard.

Few things are as ugly and disturbing to the mind's eye as a partially destroyed house clinging to the remnants of its interior and frame,exposing what was hidden in the basement. About ten years ago, D.'s house got burnt partially down as a causality to some "drug war" that went on.  (Yeah, even in these rural parts such things happen, and my stepson was caught up in it.). On a beautiful piece of once peaceful property, what was left of the house stood for many years. Tattered and blackened from the fire it gradually became smaller and smaller as the wind and rain washed pieces of it away and as scavengers pulled the salvageable from it bit by bit.  It was such an eye sore. I kept saying to D...."Just tear it down!!! Bull doze it!! Put it out of its misery and let it die so something else can be reborn there." 

For so, so many reasons, reasons he didn't even understand, it was hard for him to do that. 

Well...now it is finally gone, all but the basement foundation. The land around it seems to be sighing in relief. My stepson is sober and straight now, by the way, happy and well in his new family. The ghosts and echoes of that time seem to have been carried away from that property by the winds of change. Still, it was that house I visualized at the funeral and that I wrote about yesterday.

I imagined being that broken, open, exposed, and ugly to others as I walked up to get communion. (My catholic conditioning was telling me I had no right to take communion because I hadn't gone to confession in way too many years and therefore wasn't "clean" enough. But my deeper Self was saying, "God really doesn't care".) I was so acutely aware of those now exposed and displaced core beliefs scurrying around and biting into my flesh. I felt singed and burned by Tapas; stripped of so much that once made me "me". When I compared myself to the sturdy and pleasant looking houses around me, I felt very broken. 

At the same time, I knew that the fire was necessary; that the destruction of this shell I wore around this human and called "me" was a part of my growth. It had to go. Though the psyche that still remains is self-conscious from time to time, the "I" within is always Self-conscious. :) That day, as I often am, I was caught between experiencing both the 'self' and the 'Self'. There I was grabbing at the charred black tar paper flapping in the wind trying to wrap it around me in some semi-presentable way; and at the same time embracing the "falling a part" process. I was looking forward to the bulldozer rolling over the rest of this "me" to get it out of the way. 

It was a very strange experience and the more I awaken, the more I have these strange visualizations and experiences. As ugly and painful as it all may be...I know it is healing. I know I am healing. In fact, the more "I am" can stand free from the shell that once encapsulated it, the better off I will be.  The better off we all will be. 

All is well in my world.

Michael Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( May 6, 2025) You Are Not Broken-You Are Just Full of Unreleased Energy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85m62GENSXU&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2

In What is Left of the Mental House

 You have got to be willing to die to who you are now to give birth to who you can become.

Les Brown

I had a moment yesterday where I could almost, nearly, so close...visualize what it would be like to be where I was without any semblance of this neurotic little me in the way. Getting there, I could see, meant breaking through a veil of thorns.  It was going to hurt like the dickens, but I knew the thorns would pull what is left of this shell off !  I could also see...the more relaxed I remained...the easier the transition would be. Unfortuantely, it is not so easy to relax into the dying process.

What brought on this "almost clear" visualization?

I was at a funeral. I do not do good in crowds or busy social situations.  The more I observe this "me," the more I realize how being around lots of people discombobulates me.  I literally feel the emotional energy of others and it can be too much. Some call this being 'empathic' but I see it as more of an extra keen survival perception I picked up from being around some volatile and unwell people over the years. Anyway...I tend to soak up the emotional experiences of others especially when they share with me, to the point I am drained, and I feel absolutely awful in crowds especially when there is a lot of grief or chaos. I don't like being in crowds anyway. Funerals are not fun.  I am extra anxious, awkward, uncomfortable.

I am also, as I have been saying, in the purification stage of my healing and waking up. I am having a lot of caustic samskara impurities coming to the surface to be released. They burn more coming up, I think, then they did going down. So, there is a fair degree of emotional discomfort to observe and experience. These impressions and stored memories are wrapped in some pretty nasty and self destroying core beliefs. 

In the Basement of the Mind

It is really shocking and surprising to discover what has been creeping around in the cellar of my mind all these years...that which I couldn't see until the upper level was removed to expose them. I, as a person still over identified in "me," observe thoughts like: Everything I do is going to hurt people or be construed as wrong even when I try to do "good" things; People are going to think I'm weird if I step up or reach out. Well, they likely think I am weird anyway. Best to stay back; I shouldn't have done that which I thought was kind- I must have hurt them or insulted them some how.  They will be angry with me or judge me as being "weird"from now on.

Even when I step back to distance as a witness to the experience of this human I call "me", I observe old messaging emerging to the surface as if others are talking about this "me" like:  This human is so neurotic, backwards and awkward...no one would ever want to take the time to actually get to know her, let alone understand her, would they?; The others are all so "normal" and she is so "abnormal"; Look at her- she is so unworthy around others; A break?  She doesn't deserve a break and will likely never get one. Her needs are not important...how dare she think of herself; She is here to suffer, to make up for some very thick karma; She needs to live this life as one big penance. She needs to be constantly punished for her endless sins.  Heck she must be one big walking sin...no wonder why Life is so hard on her.

Pretty gruesome and brutal, right? These nasty beliefs have been hiding under so many pseudo layers of confidence, superficial belief, and a painted-on exterior for decades. With the upper levels blown away, the basement is now exposed. It isn't pretty but it is very healing. To see what I have to work with makes the process much easier. I can see what I was believing and disentangle myself from it. I can label it as "belief" and not who I am.  Still, it is surprising to see what has been activating my life experience. I knew I had some core beliefs in me that were not life enhancing but I was not aware they were this bad until I got this deep into the excavation of Self project I am on, until I debrided so many of those upper layers of  self-protective "me" away. What a mess I have in my basement. So, I was dealing with the mess at the funeral too.

Triggers

 I was also still recovering from the samskara triggering that occurred the evening before. And some new triggering was happening at the funeral. There were people there who had received or would have been made aware of some of the projects I did out of what I believed to be kindness. This triggered the Everything I do is going to hurt people or be construed as wrong even when I try to do "good" things; People are going to think I'm weird if I step up or reach out. Well, they likely think I am weird anyway. Best to stay back; I shouldn't have done that which I thought was kind- I must have hurt them or insulted them some how.  They will be angry with me or judge me as being weird from now on. I imagined these people were angry or judging me for what I offered. Those exposed and activated beliefs added to the inner chaos of the experience. 

Dismantled Beliefs

And I was in a catholic church participating in the mass like I normally would do if I was still practicing. That felt familiar and soothing, at the same time it felt hypocritical. I don't believe everything the church says anymore. I see beyond it. These beliefs have truly been dismantled over the years and are piled up in the wreckage of the other layers. That added to the inner turmoil.

Anyway, so there I was at the funeral yesterday, standing in the basement of this flimsy psyche, with all these core beliefs crawling over me like giant spiders...biting here and biting there. The shell was gone, and I couldn't hide the mess anymore. It was exposed for everyone to see, it seems. I was aware, at least, of the exposure as I looked around at all the beautiful people with their houses still neatly intact around them, seemingly confident, happy and content to believe what they were believing.  

I was having a very chaotic inner experience. I was witnessing the human I call "me" have a chaotic inner experience. I literally had the inclination to run out the back doors as fast as I could. 

But I remembered:

If someone suffers, he or she is blessed, because by that suffering some impurities are turned out. Satchidnanda

I have to suffer a bit to get to where I want to go.

Dying

To be reborn, you have to die first. Lucien Carr

It was what was left of the dying "me", I suddenly realized, having the uncomfortable experience, not the Self. Though most of the upstairs and downstairs of the house that once protected me was gone..."I am" was and is still there/here.  "I am" was standing undisturbed in the basement, perfectly still and unmoved, in the tattered and torn remnants of the frame with pieces of insulation flapping in the wind. Seeing that in my mind's eye, I suddenly imagined what it would be like to have all the outside layers gone. 

Falling Back into Nothingness

I imagined falling back through those thorns for the final clearing away process. I imagined every bit of remaining neurosis, of people pleasing tendency, and personality being scraped off. I imagine what it would be like to walk up that aisle not one bit concerned about what others thought, not concerned about being homeless literally and figuratively, not concerned about ever being 'known' or seen for who I was, not having an ounce of anxiety, fear, or any of the other emotions that are brought on by activation of those core beliefs...of just feeling unconditional love and peace and joy. I imagined what it would feel like to be immersed in the present moment loving all of it no matter what it brought! It was amazing!

Though I may have scraped away a few rusty nails and old boards in that visualization, I didn't fall all the way through. I was too scared to die. So, I pictured myself still in the basement dragging it and this human I call "me" up the aisle for communion, with my not so friendly spiders crawling all over me and the little bits of  remaining house frame being dragged behind.  I pictured the Self not completely reborn but still in the so obviously imperfect dying self,  in its very messy authentic vulnerability...possibly even hard to look at or at least to not judge harshly...I pictured the judgments and opinions of others over my open imperfections and I could see that none of it mattered...at all!! I could see for a second how none of that was important. I had a glimpse of true peace and that glimpse fed me.  

It reminded me of my motivation and goal...to die to be reborn.  It reminded me that there is a way out of all this suffering, and it is simply through.  I do not have to do anything.  I definitely do not have to run around to catch the flying pieces and replace them...I don't need to rebuild anything false and unsolid around me.  I can let it all go, and I can simply fall back into what is. I can die to be reborn!

All is well in my world.

Serendipity and Purification

 Yoga is for internal cleansing, not external exercising. Yoga means true Self-knowledge.

K. Pattabhi Jois

A man's pain provides a means for his purification.

Unknown

I pulled the last remaining concept from the jar yesterday and what was it? "Purification". Go figure.  It is so cool how things like this happen.  I was thinking, reading, and writing about purification over the course of the last few days and I was also acutely aware of "suffering".  Reminded of how the two go together, I was given an opportunity to speak on it by drawing this concept. 

Anyway, I am intent on purifying, and serendipity is hanging around to remind me that is my mission :) 

All is well. 

Purified by Acts of Unkindness from Others

 The mind too, must be washed, squeezed, tossed, and ironed. Don't think that if someone causes us pain that they hate us, but rather that they are helping us to purify ourselves. If we can think like this we are real yogis. If anybody hurts our feelings, we should just smile at them. "Thank you. I want more and more. I know you want me to become pure soon. Bring your friends also to inflict pain." 

Swami Satchidananda; Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, page 43

My mind is stuck on the agitation cycle of this big washing machine Life provides. I am not yet a true Yogi. I felt that agitation yesterday. 

There are some "old friends"  who have caused so much pain to my family and I over the year ( now I realize years). They have lied, publicly slandered, manipulated, controlled, and have actively and even aggressively attempted to take away from us that which is most precious. They have done it all while wearing a cape of self righteousness and in an attempt to make themselves  look like rescuers and saviours in a story they created. They publicly and unjustly villified us so they could play the heros. It was brutal and oh so cruel! 

I was so, so hurt; felt so betrayed. It broke my heart. I was angry and I even hated for a while.  I did not want to carry those unwholesome things around in me. So, I tried to forgive and even have to some extent. "They know not what they do." That is the mantra I repeated to myself over and over again. at the same time I questioned, "Or do they?"  

They may not yet see the error of their ways.  One may never. One, I realize now, might lack that capacity for seeing clearly through compassion...though they will profess to be the most compassionate person on the planet.  The other is so manipulated into believing the story that seeing clearly now may make life too uncomfortable for him. Sigh!  The one person who I always felt had a right to be hurt by what happened, and whose acting out I accepted, understood, and even attempted to support at the cost of my own well being...is the one that may be seeing clearly now.  I suspect she is being encouraged not to see clearly....but still, yesterday I seen a simple act of kindness that warmed my heart. I forgave her completely with that one act. I had great compassion for her. It felt so good to feel compassion instead of anger and hurt.

Anyway, I didn't realize how triggered I would be upon seeing her parents last evening.  The tears  welled up behind my eyes.  I couldn't look at them. There was such anger towards one...such a deep seething anger. I was so angry. I was also disappointed in myself for being so uncomfortable.  I just wanted to stay as far away from these people as I could. But mostly I was just so hurt.

I accepted the feelings, understood them, but I didn't want to keep them in me.  I could see clearly the past and present "friendship" that was never really a "friendship". I could almost see so clearly how that self righteous mind in front of me was operating...I remembered so much...years and years of my feeling so inferior made sense.   That shame based personality I identified as most of my life was no match for a self righteous one. See now what I didn't see then. Her behaviour angers me but it has less of a surprise element to it so it doesn't hurt in the same way. It was his behaviour that hurt me the most becasue it surprised me. Regardless, there is so much stuff and tangled up emotion that comes up when I see them. That, I believe, is why the tears began then and continue to flow now. So, much I stuffed away from this year's experience and so much I stuffed away from my 16 -20 year old experience. It needs to come out. 

I wish I had the strength yesterday to stand up to them and say, "Thank you for helping me to purify." Because, though they have no clue or no intention to do anything kind for this "me", they are helping me to purify and I am grateful for that! I am! But I didn't have the courage...I was too much of an emotional mess.  Maybe someday...maybe someday, I will be strong enough to do so. Until then...until this washing machine hits the rinse cycle...I just have to stay away from them. They are not good for my soul.

All is well.

Hope and A Break

 Hope is being able to see there is a light despite all the darkness.

Desmon Tutu

I realize that Debbie Downer and Negative Nellie have been chirping away in my psyche again and from there they are making themselves known on the page.  I am not going to beat myself up for that. I see where it is coming from. The physical, energetic, and mental body has been a little squashed down by circumstance on the outside and are burning a bit from the tapas rising to be released on the inside. It is like having really bad heart burn at the same time dealing with a full body second-third degree sunburn. Ouch! :) 

The wisdom body and of course the Ananda body are not one bit disturbed by this burning.  Infact, despite the whining from Debbie and Nellie... wisdom body is getting a bit more wise and Ananda body is becoming a bit more obvious. I know this is a healing thing!! I do!!

Right now it just sucks a bit, that's all.  It is still all so good. 

And, I am still looking "out there" for evidence that the universe has my back. I am grasping at every bit of evidence I can find.  I felt "hope" yesterday for all of an hour when a remote, potential, nothing secure or definite by any means possibile solution for the money concern emerged.  It was like a little stream of light coming from a tiny crack in cloud cover and man...was I there to grab it. I lay under it.  I rolled under it. I sucked every ounce of it up. I felt like Life may actually have my back or at least it was not out to trample me down into the ground. That little bit of "hope" (and you know how I am not  big on the hope thing) replaced the chirping of the depressing duo with a big fat, "Maybe?" 

That "maybe" was all I needed. Mind became less depressing, emotions rose up the scale, energy lifted, and the physical body felt lighter. I found myself back at the book I was neglecting writing and just streaming along from one chapter to the next. It was like it wasn't for nothing anymore.  That "maybe" there, I thought, might move into a "maybe" here....and that motivated me.

I felt up! I felt "positive" for the first time in so long.

Though I know the solution to all problem is internal not external, and know full well where suffering is taking me in terms of growth and learning. (I even accept that!  I do!!.).. did I ever need some sign from the universe that it wasn't just going to be "all suffering and challenge" for me from now on during these final learning lessons, that I was going to get a break here and there. It is all just too heavy and dark. Hope, as much as I see the unsolid nature of it, is giving me that light I need to keep going.

I am at a very, very challenging portion of  the"advanced and excelerated growth" course I signed up for. The learning is tough.  I have been so curled forward into the complicated studies, it seems, it got very dark around me and I didn't even notice. I needed/need light.  I needed/need a recess outdoors. So, though it may only be a five minute one and I may be called in as soon as I step outside (this is not an actual solution but just a hope derived, remote possibility shining on me) it is something better than what I had. So, I grabbed it.  

I appreciate the lift so much!!! I do...regardles of the actual outcome. I realize that which the hope is pointing to may never come to pass. Just to be lifted out of this negative onslaught for five mere minutes, however, is a blessing. Thank you Universe!

In this game everyone needs a break to refuel, recharge, and jump back in full throttle.

Helen Edwards

Oh wow! This waking up is not as easy as it looks, is it?

All is well in my world. 

Nothing out There to Fix What Is Wrong in Here.

 

There is nothing out there that can fix what it is wrong in here....

I heard this from Michael A. Singer today and it reminded me of the so called decision I feel I have to make.  I feel like I am in desperate need for external change. 

I have been getting really, really good at accepting what is and allowing Life to make most of the decisions for me. I am really nolonger that attached to outcome...

but...

Once again here I am wondering what major changes I can make in my life to make me feel better in here. So convinced am I that it is the external varibles causing this so called "overwhelming sense of suffering".  Don't get me wrong...things are tough: from what my body is doing from literally the feet to the head...to the day to day stressors that hit me...big ones...that I can't seem to get a moment's repreive from...my future is not so bright that I have to wear shades lol...sorry Cory Hart. External circumstances are not appealling to my physical, energetic, or mental body. I feel almost crushed by these circumstances at times and I fear what will happen to this human I call me if she/I stay where I am allowing all these things pile on top of  her/me. ...So that leads me to this idea that I have to make changes soon.

How true is that idea?

At the same time I see the heaviness of these external situations, I have to ask these questions: Is my desire or need to make change a form of resistance? Will change fix what is really broken or will it just distract me from it?  Is it my life circumstances that are the true problem or is it something in me that is the root of the problem?

Of course, it is something in me that is the real problem, it is the attachment to this idea of me that is the problem.  I know life events are just triggering my samskaras and stirring them up...causing more than a bit of burning (tapas). Because of my practice these samskaras are all coming up, it seems, at once. 

Celebrate when the stored energy starts to come up...

 That is not so easy to do. It feels absolutely terrible. So bad that my human self just automatically goes into resistance mode seeking a way "to make it stop!" It is programmed to search "out there" for the solutions. 

At the same time I am in the agitation cycle of the cleaning process-samskaras are coming up for me to deal with and release...Life is throwing one circumstance at me after another to possibly stir up and speed up the process.  I am being hit with the pain of the samskaras at the same time I am hit with the pain of the life events happening right now. Feels like I am being punched from inside and outside at the same time.  

The very stuff you think is terrible some one else thinks is wonderful

Wonderful? This  isn't fun!!!lol  I can tell myself, "This is a wonderful thing...Life is just trying to clean me out faster..." but I don't always believe it. I find myself believing I need to make external world changes to survive. It is like I keep returning to the default browser my human mind is set on. 

I know...I know...I know.  The first thing to do is remind myself of my Life mission. My Life mission is not to have an easy, pain free life...it is to purify.  It is to stop stuffing and storing and to allow all the stuffed and stored stuff to come out. I am trying to clear the way for an unimpeded shakti flow. I, therefore, have to be willing to "feel" and "experience" the pain of what I stored and is now being released. 

I need to relax...into the samskara release and into what Life is giving me. That is the second thing I need to do. Relax and allow. 

Then, thirdly, I can make external world changes if I need to from a calm inspired mind.  Life is going to make a lot of these decisions for me anyway.  I don't have to decide to lose the house...lol...it will go if I don't pay the mortgage. But...with a relaxed allowance of what is...I can make decisions on how I lose the house and to whom. 

Letting go of that which we have no control is the most healing thing we can do.  We need to remember that whatever comes up from our storage cellars and whatever Life throws at us cannot hurt us.  It is just energy, like wind, blowing through or by. 

These energies can't hurt you if you let them pass...if you hold on, however, they become turbulent energies...trapped energy inside you.

Suffering comes when we refuse to let Life be Life, when we don't let the wind pass through or by, when we resist the emergence of our painful samskaras or resist what Life gives us. 

You do not need to suffer...

We can be cleasned and free.

All is well.

Michael Singer ( June 5,2025) You are Not Broken-You're just full of unreleased energy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85m62GENSXU&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Burning

 The direct meaning of "tapas" is to burn....When we burn we feel some heat and pain. We undergo suffering. So, "Tapas" also means to accept suffering. If someone suffers, he or she is blessed, because by that suffering some impurities are purged out.

In order to make our minds clean and steady we must accept suffering, pain, and poverty. It is even more beneficial if, at the same time that we accept pain, we bring happiness to others.

Swami Satchidnandanda ( 2011) The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Integral Yoga Publications (page 138)

I am burning.  I am burning from the tooth right now ( date set for the 18th...not sure how I will make it to then or how I will afford it if insurance doesn't cover some. Crazy expensive!) ...I am burning from other discomforts going on in this body.  I am burning from any lingering fear or worry about these things ( though that fear no longer runs my life)...burning from the decision making process that will involve major changes in my life...I am burning from the thoughts of impending loss....burning from the suffering of those around me.  Yeah, I am burning a bit. And it is all good.  When I think about it all as purifying me, I say "bring it on!" (Then I quickly curl up and say, "but please be gentle." lol)

Now...I need to focus more on bringing happiness to others.

All is well.  

Weeding the Garden of Limiting Beliefs

 Your mind is a garden

Your thoughts are the seeds

You can grow flowers 

or you can grow weeds.

unknown

Here I am again weeding this messy garden in my mind...attempting to pull all egoic weeds out ( I am learning to be a little more gentle with that process) and I am attempting to water the more wholesome seeds that contain the "ether" of all that is. 

My ego, especially the negative thinking/believing part of my ego is still lingering around and it has much too much control over my life. Its weeds are hard to tame.

I still check the stats page everyday to see if I am getting through to anyone and I don't even know who that "anyone" is suppose to be- a population out there I cannot see or just me? Does it matter? I truly am less attached to outcome but I am not completely detached. The thought of having more readership does lift my spirits a bit. Yeah it does. The thought of connecting and having like minded people understand and appreciate what I have to say adds a little lightness to the heaviness I feel sometimes.

Anyway, the numbers are very high again...but the engaged readers are very low. I wonder then why are these numbers from Brazil, Singapore, and Vietnam showing up on my page? What do they get from doing that? Why do bots do what they do? As long as they are harmless I do not care. ...but I am curious. What do the directors of these bots want by hitting obscure blog pages? 

There is always this moment when the numbers begin to rise when I feel a certain, "OMG after the twenty some years I have been blogging...maybe...it ( whatever 'it' is) is happening ." Then...negative mind steps in and taps that core belief inside me...the weed flourishs. I realize I do not quite trust that Life has my back and that it will pour blessings upon me. Infact, I don't even trust that bad things won't happen,  that I as a writer of this blog will remain unharmed. That deep core belief that life, systems, others, circumstance will add much more suffering to this human I call me's expereince before the final curtain gets tapped again and again arises. 

It surprises me and saddens me to see how I let that one belief rule my life. How so many of us operate under such beliefs.

Maybe that is why I don't submit a lot. I am all confused about my writing.  I work endlessly on "safe" projects...like the Learning English book or the books I wrote for my kids at school on writing.  I then tell myself until these books are completed and out there exactly the way I want, I won't tackle my novel again or this non fiction book I am re-writing on getting beyond fear and shame. I won't submit any poetry. ( I have soooo much poetry). Then...I don't get to these children's non-fiction pieces enough. I open them up and find a thousand different reasons why I have to close them down.  (Literally, I could finish and have these books up in one day or two.) There is some sick procrastination and avoidance thing going on. Crazy. 

This core belief that not only will I not receive blessings, especially as a writer, I will be punished for it in some way is always there in the background. Maybe it is related to some sick belief that I shouldn't be doing that thing that brings peace, joy, and meaning to my life...that I don't deserve joy or fulfillment...therefore I definitely cannot expect any of the "added ons" when I write??? I realize how absolutely cra-cra that belief is but there it is. 

So, I end up embracing obscurity a bit. I feel safer standing in the shadows than I do on the dance floor. I feel better when I "don't try hard" that way it is less frustrating when I fail or get  more suffering as a reward fro my work. It's crazy...but all this comes up when I see that someone/something out there is using my special writing place to park their bots on. 

Hmmm! I am not sure if the bots have to go...but this belief has to go! I need to dig down to the roots (gently), disentangle those roots from that the roots of that which I want to grow,  and pull it out once and for all. I need to clean up this garden

Do you have any weeds in your mental/life garden you need to remove? 

All is well.

Prana or Higgs?

 We can see how the "bright ones" became merged into one principle; and likewise in the ideas of the cosmos we find the ancient thinkers going higher and higher-from the fine elements they go to finer and more embracing elements, and from these particulars they come to one omnipresent ether, and from that even they go to an all embracing force, or Prana; and through all this runs the principle, that one is not seperate from the others. It is the very ether that exists in the higher form of Prana, or the higher form of Prana concretes, so to say, and becomes ether; and that ether becomes still grosser and so on.Vivekananda

To begin, the Rishis looked at the dense matter around them and began to question what it was made of. As they reflected in the "laboratory of cell research" they could see that there was something deeper hidden beneath the surface of this physical phenomena that seems so real. According to Vivekenanda, this is what they discovered as they went deeper as that energy frequency went higher :

• They discovered beneath the initial superficial layer, finer and more embracing elements. These were still elements with physical and energetic nature but they were realizing nothing was as dense as it appeared. This dicovery that took place thousands and thousands of years ago can be compared to  what science has been discovering, over the course of a century or two, about matter through the discovery of molecular structure, then atoms...from atoms - sub atomic particles, and from sub atomic particles they discovered space. 
• In this space, as the Rishis went deeper, they discovered one omnipresent ether; an all embracing force which they called Prana. This I presume would equate to what physicists discovered and called "The Higgs Field" ...wavelets of vibrating energy abrupting in spaciousness. These modern day scientists discovered fermions, particle makers, they named Quarks and Leptons and most interestingly they discovered another force that allowed these things to combine to make matter which was carried by something called a Boson.  (Bosons, quarks, leptons). 
• Such a yogi would say that it  is this One Prana that creates the ether and then the particle matter.  The quantum physicist might say it is the Boson that creates this One vibrating spaciousness upon which all particle matter emerges.
• This ether gets a little denser the farther away from the center  or "Seat of Consciousness" the mind's attention goes, according to the yogi. Energy frequency lowers.  According to the scientist, as we work our way back from the Higgs Field, matter emerges becoming denser, and denser, and denser ( slower)until it is the physical reality we assume. The energy of the boson combines more Leptons and Quarks into subatomic structure, and subatomic structure combines into atoms and atoms combine into molecles. Molecles become the dense matter (lower frequency energy) our senses pick up and the brain interprets. 

The key thing discovered in both of these "scientific" studies is that there is One  energy field at the basis of everything. It doesn't matter if you call it Prana or Higgs...There is One vibrating energy that is the basis for all there is. 

If we think of the individual as seperate from everything else in the universe, it cannot stand a minute. Such a thing never existed. Vivekananda

All is well.

Vivekananda (n.d) 2.6 Practical Vedanta and Other Lectures. Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda. Kindle

Thou Are That!

 That which is the fine cause in all these things, of It are all these things made.That is the All, that isTruth,thou art That, O Shvetaketu....As a bee...gathers honey from different flowers, and as the honeys do not know that they are from various trees, and from various flowers, so all of us, having come to that Existence, know not that we have done so. Now, that which is that subtle essence, in It all that exists has Its self. It is the True. It is the Self and thou, O Shvetaketu, are That...

As the rivers, when they are in the ocean, do not know they have been various rivers, even so when we come out of that Existence, we do not know that we are That. O Shvetaketu, thou art That.

A vedic passage relayed by Vivekananda in his Complet Works (Kindle Edition)

Remember: You Are simply Acting a Part

 Give up all these mad pursuits, and then play your part in the universe, as an actor on the stage.

An actor on the stage? 

Yes, we need to remember that this that we are experiencing isn't real compared to that which is experiencing. Life is one big stage we get to play a role on. Remember what Shakespeare wrote in "As You Like It?"

"All the world's a stage, And all men and women merely players."

When we see this that we are experiencing as just a part of a script we wrote and are starring in, and see ourselves as actors choosing to play these parts, we are not so attached to the drama. Are we? Even if we play the part of beggar (that I might be casted for soon lol). It is isn't real. It is just a part and a script we are temporarily getting to participate in.

The actor knows his beggary is not true, but that he has assumed it for play, while the real beggar thinks that it is his too familiar state and that he has to bear it whether he wills it or not.

We do not have to be so invested in these roles we are playing. We are much better off if we do not get lost in character. We can also look out at the world as less threatening than they appear to be to the one lost in character. We can see it for the beautiful, awesome,temporary experience it is. 

The whole universe is changed, and instead of an eternal prison this world has become a playground; instead of a land of competition it is a land of bliss, where there is perpetual spring, flowers in bloom and butterflies flit about. This very world becomes heaven, which formerly was hell. To eyes of the bound it is tremendous place of torment, but to the eyes of the free it is quite otherwise.

Wow! We need to know the costumes we are wearing can come off anytime...so we can look at the world with the eyes of the free.

All is well.

Vivekananda (n.d.) Complete works. Kindle

Crow's Lesson

 Crow's lesson is to work...walk without fear even if the way is not clear...trust your intuition and the animals that cross your path to guide you...

Soul Wolf Journey?

The story of (not the reality of) this Life I call "mine" hits me every morning when I wake up. I slip from perfect awareness of the present moment's reality: the gentle sunlight pouring through the cracks in the curtain,  the smelll of new  apple blossoms carried on the breeze, the wagging tails and trusting eyes of my pets, the miraculous function of this body as I get out of bed and stretch...and right down into the "ugh!" story in my head.  Sigh!

I have  recently been hit in the face with some other big "woes" and though I am handling these things better than I would in the past, (they consume me much less than they would of)...they are there and I wonder, like I did this morning, "Now...how am I going to get out of this mess, this time?" 

Once again, I am at the verge of losing the bit of material stability/identity I have left...been losing and clinging...losing and clinging for almost 15 years now...since the time I had to go off work and later reduce my hours because of health issues. This really isn't a result of poor money management on my part...I am able to do amazing things with little.  I don't need a lot.  This is a result of giving too much of "me" away before Self was ready to let go, before I truly understood what letting go meant. It is a result of being mixed up...confusing selflessness and service with people pleasing. It is a result of putting the needs of others (mostly their egos) above  my own. 

I have been clinging so long to this house, to this bit of whatever I have left materially for others, and now I am tired of clinging. A big change has to come. I have to let go of what I have been clinging to and let others find their way. I think I could survive any outcome...I really do...what held me back was always the question, "Can they?" I have been buffering suffering and creating more suffering in return. Suffering is something people need to learn to go through...by understanding it at its roots.  The only way out is through.  I wasn't helping anyone by doing the suffering for them, least of all myself. 

Anyway, I ramble.  I mention this because this was on my mind for a few weeks weighing me down. I know a big change is needed to be made. Well, during this time of contemplating change,  I befreinded a crow. I have been feeding the crows for years now...I usually start the season off with one, then two, and then before I know it there is a murder appearing on my line cawing at me to feed them. Well, for now there is one...a juvenille maybe?  I am not sure.  He knows me.  He comes to me when I call if he is around.  He will make these little swoops right over my head before settling on a branch an arm length away.  I can get really close to this guy. I can look up at him and talk and he listens. If anyone else comes near he flies away. Though I haven't a word out loud regarding my worries, somehow I share them in those moments connecting with this crow.

Anyway, he also always sees me with one of my cats who loves to be outdoors. Anything with any emotional intelligence would recognize there was a bond between this cat and I if they were to see us together. I ws very surprised to see how much emotional intelligence a crow has.

Well, my cat got chased up a tree yetserday by the neighbor's dog...high up a tree. (This happens quite frequently). So, I went out with D. to coax her down.  The crow, I think was  flying overhead with a new mate possibly? and spotted us. He turned around and landed on a tree nearby. His mate landed on a tree further away before flying off. 

We needed to climb the tree to get to Sylvester. I was holding the ladder and D. was climbing. The crow flew to a tree closer.  I continued to speak to my cat in an attempt to coach her to come down. She wouldn't move.  The crow flew to a branch on a tree  right next to the tree Sylvester was on and began to caw and caw.  It was not a threatening caw or anything...Sylvester did not seem one bit disturbed by it but she did look at the crow as if she was listening. She attempted to move down to the next branch and stalled again. The crow flew to the branch she was on ...a hand breath away from her...and began to caw again. Sylvester seemed to listen and moved down a little lower before getting scared and moving back up to the secure branch. The crow flew to the branch right above her and just sat there. Then he flew off and I watched as he circled the sky above our heads as if warning would-be predators to stay away.  He came back and sat on a tree beside the tree the cat was on and watched and waited. We got my cat down. I watched , afterwards, as she scurried off somewhere to get her bearings. I then looked over my left shoulder and there was the crow on the branch behind me...so close I could easily reach up and touch him. He was just sitting there watching. I smiled and thanked him.  He flew off. I went into get him some peanuts as a thank you.  I called him and he came back to eat the peanuts.  I knew that crow was trying to help us get the cat down! More importantly, he was offering me a vlauable lesson. He showed me the reality of Life without the story.

Anyway, I bring that up because it filled my heart with light to see this sense of cooperation and interbeingness in a crow. It put a renewed trust in nature and Life into me. Everything is helping everything else even if we can't see it happening.  I knew at that moment that though I would hate to lose my yard with these amazing creatures in it...I would be okay; we would all be okay. We will get down from this tree and we will get universal support to do so. Life has the back of all beings including me.

Trust the animals that cross your path...

I absolutely love crows!!!

All is well.

Gift or Curse?

 Mind can be the greatest gift, or the greatest curse.

Michael A. Singer

How is your mind treatin ya? Is it a gift you use to explore, in awe, the miracles of this world? Or is it a creator and source of great suffering for you? 

My mind has been a great source of suffering for me for most of my life. Much less now that I have discovered it is the cause of the suffering and have backed away from its stories, its lies, its crazy mixed up tales of reality. I have backed away but I must admit it still pulls me back in from time to time.

Just this morning, for example, I woke up focusing on the fact that this human I call "me" has been through so much crap in her 61 years on the planet. I was questioning why things were so difficult for this "me" and heard myself actually uttering the very same words Singer used in his podcast,

"Nothing ever happens that is good for me."

I knew as soon as those words came out of my mouth that that wasn't true but the thought did enter my mind. It is true that, for some reason I do not understand completely with this limited mind, this human has encountered one situation after the next that put it in survival mode. And it got stuck there. In this mode there is little room for fun, joy, adventure, growth, and expansion in terms the outer world would deem as such. The focus in on "How do I survive?"  More importantly, "How do I assist and ensure the others around me stay alive and survive?" 

Say what, crazy lady? You were never in a war zone or living on the street. How can you say that?

 That's true. It is. I have been so blessed in many ways but a lot of the circumstances I encountered, despite the  culture of abundance, ease, and comfort in which I grew up...  threatened survival, in one way or another, of the body (mine and others), of the householder "me"- I came very close to losing everything after I got sick, and right now I am just clinging to what I have left of a material life, and of of the psychosocial me. If I wrote a list and shared it... about the things this human dealt with throughout this life span to date...people would shake their heads and say, "Oh I don't want to hear that.  I don't want to know about that. You are being dramatic!You are focusing too much on the negative and feeling sorry for yourself" or "That's just fiction. Those things don't happen around here." 

Oh, they do and they did. Life circumstances, for this "me", were more than a bit bizarre and accumulative. 

I, therefore, lived with an overworked amygdala and still do. My fight or flight reactions, though sometimes overexaggerated, are getting plenty of opportunity to do the job they were designed to do. They had plenty of opportunity for practice. This constant "practice" of my body's alarm system  left me either in active emergency response or languishing in stuckness when there was no crisis to deal with.   This is certainly not a mentality built on "flousrishing", is it? It is not a healthy mind.

So, yeah I often catch myself saying, in a moment of extra weakness, "Nothing good ever happens to me."  Sometimes my frame of reference is so tiny, focusing only on survival.

We often define our frame of reference into tiny nothings...we limit it to the few personal experiences we as seperate humans have in life

So, it is true my mind has been a curse...when I got lost in this tiny frame of reference...but it has also been a gift.

I think I personally (though there really is not personal in this) have an amazing mind. It is this mind that allowed this human to survive as long as she did.  It is this mind that made "me" extra perceptive and I developed an amazing survival intelligence.  I learned, early on, what others might be feeling or thinking based on their outward language.  I became very perceptive. I learned to discover what was going on in my body when others were too often telling me that "nothing was going on"...keeping it going. I learned about the suffering in the world and how maybe I could help a bit. I learned how to survive with so little and remain loving and giving. I learned about what was truly important and what wasn't.

This mind we all share is a compassionate mind. It showed me how we are all inter being so I connect with the world in a gentle, loving way.  It allowed me to see and apprecaite all the little intricate details of nature, of human behaviours, of expereince and of Life.  It opened up creativity to me, and the magic of words...As if it handed me a canvas and amazing colours (words) and said , "Go paint!" . It made me a questioner of everything...it offered me so many big, beautiful questions which left me exploring some amazing mysteries in my attempt to answer them.

 It allowed me to experience "awe"...not just the "Awe!! Not again. Why do I have to deal with  yet another crisis?" but..."Awe!!! Oh My God, This world is Absolutely Amazing!!" 

Use your mind for something greater than you-the personal self. 

So, though my mind is still operating on survival mode as Life dances in front of this human, dropping off at its feet whatever it drops off...so many challenges and so many blessings, though it still creates a convincing tale of suffering that still has the capacity to draw me in from time to time...I am grateful for my mind. I am learning to transcend judgement and practice compassion no matter what Life enfolds in front of me. 

Afterall,

It is not personal! It's just Life!

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( May 29, 2025) Expanding Beyond the Personal Mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N30LfzR2J1c&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

A House Built on Frozen Wavelets

 But everyone who hears those words of mine, and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.

Matthew 7:26

The sand in this bible could be the frozen wavelets of thought and self concept in the mind that Michael Singer speaks of in the below podcast. The shallow sandy earth or the frozen wavelets  upon  the ocean...on which we create our comfort zones and choose to live...is not sturdy. We need to dig deeper into rock and build a more substantial foundation.  We need to recognize where the wavelet begins...know that it is meant to move up, down...and be gone. Each wavelet is just something that happens on the Ocean. Thaw it out, let it fall back to that Source and build a more substantial foundation. Go deeper!

Otherwise...

The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash! Matthew 7: 27

Micheal A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( May 26, 2025) Wavelets of Consciousness: The Field of Mind Explained. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_ttjiduq-w&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

The Spiritual Practice of Self Realization

 ...things have been perceived and realised and then written. This world spoke to the early thinkers. the birds spoke to them, animals spoke to them, the sun and the moon spoke to them; and little by little they realised things, and got into teh herat of nature. Not by cognition, not by the force of logic, not by picking the brains of others and making a big book, as is the fashion in modern times [1984], not even as I do by taking up one of their writings and making a long lecture, but by patient investigation and discovery they found the truth....

It is practice first, and knowledge afterwards.