Fulfilling a Contract and Living Up to the Truth

 I leave the world my words, and my map to the truth.  And I will spend the rest of my time here trying to live up to my words.

Me- March 6, 2024

I wrote that a few years ago and came across that entry today.  Those words revisited this human mind again in a way that was needed and appreciated. 

This human is having an experience of not caring if she lives or dies. 

You see, I woke up this morning feeling very "defeated" as a human psyche.  Yesterday I was reminded of the very human challenges I am facing, and I could not see the light. This future looked very grim. I could not see any worthwhile 'physical world' purpose for this human being here in this "unhoused" state, while seeing so clearly how it was only becoming a burden to loved ones, and society at large.  I did not see how it would sustain this present "couch surfing" situation psychologically or how it would sustain itself without unrealistic long-term dependency on others physically. There did not seem to be any way "out".  This hit another samskara. My whole life I was a person who always needed to know there was a way out in case things got bad. Yesterday, I couldn't see the "Exit" sign. I felt a bit crushed by the realization of my physical world circumstances. 

Of course, I am not alone in this experience.  I was reminded of what I learned in my studying of Gerontology, about how "depressed" and even "suicidal" many 'older' people can get when they lose their sense of purpose and begin to feel like a burden on society. This is increased by the loneliness many experience with the loss of loved ones, as well as the  housing and financial instability many experience. Am I a member of that demographic now? That leaves a knot in my gut to think I have come full circle from a person who wanted to help alleviate this problem, to one experiencing it bang on!

I just wouldn't want to go on living like this for much longer, you know? I highlight "want". This life, I know, is not about what this "me" wants. I know that. I would never do anything to shorten this precious life experience, regardless of the circumstances. I definitely want to fulfill my "soul contract" if that is such a thing. I will let Life decide the length and termination of that contract no matter how I personally find it difficult.

But...

Spiritually, I have no idea if I am doing and fulfilling what I signed up for.  I don't.  Am I living out Soul's purpose? I think I am supposed to write and do what I am doing here...but if it isn't reaching anyone, am I serving? If the physical body cannot sustain itself, if the mind cannot ground itself in 'place' enough to write or to get what is written out there...then what?

I have no idea how long my contract obligation is for...but if that contract is running out soon, I'd be okay with it.  I would see the ending as coming at an opportune time. You know? If I am no longer serving, why be here?

This acceptance of a timely end is compounded by a physical illness that is dragging my energy and focus downward. I am not feeling 100% physically.  I broke, cracked, slipped, or bruised a rib a few weeks ago (feel it moving around in ways it shouldn't).  A day later I caught the flu/cold that was going around the house.  Symptoms of that went away but suddenly four days ago I started coughing in a way that indicates a lung infection. It is hard to expand the lungs fully because of the rib pain. Sats dropped to 91% for a day but when I started the lung expansion exercises, they came back up to 93 and 94%. Still having the pain and coughing. No big deal. 

Strangely, I feel myself very detached to the outcome of this illness.  I even find myself questioning if this will prove to be a way out- the "Exit" sign.  Is Life going to finish this human body off with this? So be it. I just ask that it gives me enough time to tie up loose ends and to do something with this "writing". 

To the higher Self this type of thinking is not a concern.  It sees that if this is a potential ending, it is really no big deal.  Though the physical body may perish, Who I am will go on..."I am" is simply willing to flow where Life takes it without resistance or struggle....even if it is taking it to the end of the road. I am truly okay if that is where this body and mind is heading. In fact, considering the alternative of having to live out the rest of this human experience the way I am living right now, I might prefer it. 

To the psychological perspective of self, however, this thought stream is very concerning. It could be labelled as the experience of 'hopelessness' and 'helplessness' that are criteria for major depression. I don't personally feel "depressed" and there is absolutely no suicidal ideation. (I am truly, truly committed to living out what I am here to live out...whatever that may be) but I do have concerns that this thinking could fester to the point where it could prevent me from seeing and doing what I am here to do. It could get in the way of me fulfilling my soul contract if energy continues to plummet downward. That's all. 

It is kind of a strange situation to be in, seeing this human proceed through both perspectives. It's crazy.  From the unevolved bits of mind...I hear, "The way you are thinking and perceiving is bad, wrong, shouldn't be. You are depressed. Resist the experience. Change your situation or get help coping with it before something happens." 

And from the evolved mind I hear, "There is nothing bad, wrong, or shouldn't be about your thinking.  It is just thinking. Your willingness to accept the temporary nature of body and mind is a testament to what has healed in you, not what remains broken. As long as there is no suicidal ideation; as long as the willingness to allow Life to decide when and how the ending will come remains, it is okay that you acknowledge the way you feel  by saying that death related to the fulfillment of your contract may be more preferrable to the present life situation you are living.

By acknowledging these feelings, by expressing them through writing you can deal and release them."

I have no idea when or how this contract will end.  I have no idea if this set of circumstances I am experiencing now will change for the better or for the worse.  I have no idea what is in store for this human...and what she is expected to do with whatever time she has left except continue to heal, grow, expand in love and compassion and to write about it. 

So, I leave the world my words...and my map to the truth.  I will spend the rest of my time here, whether it be a few months or a few decades, living up to that truth.

All is well

Beyond self, Self Allows the Energy to Flow the Way It Flows

 

[Let go of the way you think it should be]....So the energy can flow unconditionally instead of having to be  under your control.

???

Trying not to get frustrated as I find myself sinking into the physical and psychological needs inventory again. I do have to figure things out.  I do have to make plans for this future that seems so uncertain right now.  Yes, I have places to stay at present and I do appreciate that... but this "couch surfing" is not sustainable. I am so aware of that reality and it does leave me feeling ungrounded and unsettled.  Though I can "be" in this present moment, I kind of need to make plans and decisions about where I will be in the moments up ahead.  I have to sacrifice some of these present moments to do that. I need to find a place for this human I call me to settle into on an extended basis, to be able to call her own for physical safety and psychological peace. It doesn't have to be much...a roof, some heat (It gets cold in Cananda in the winter time so insulation and heat are important...ruling out many camps and campers etc), plumbing of some kind, and enough power to write, cook, live.  I feel so defeated when I look through the real estate pages.  There are very limited opportunities. Rent is very expensive here . I literally cannot afford it. I would love a separate building but alas I do not have much choice in the matter these days. I just need a roof!

 I need to work to increase my income to a liveable standard but I need a vehichle to work. It just sucks! I cannot afford a vehichle.  For the human it really, really sucks. It creates such a sense of instability to a mind that was conditioned to believe stability was everything...sigh! 

Is it a problem for the higher Self?  That is the question I keep asking when that sense of instability threatens to carry me down some deep dark well. It is a question we all should ask ourselves when we face very real human challenges. I ask.  And I know instantly that it isn't a problem for That which flows with life instead of against it . Instead of expecting the current to flow its way, instead of spending great time and energy trying to control that current so it flows to meet this human's expectations...Self just allows Life to decide which way she wants to go. It accepts, allows, honors all of it. Thy will, not my will, be done! is its mantra. 

Hmmm! Experiencing Life as Self rather than this tormented little self, is a much better way to live, wouldn't you say? Life is so much more peaceful when we see through the higher Self. Still...we have to think in terms of what  'this human' needs and do our small part to make changes while,at the same time, flowing with Life rather than against her.

When I am down here swimming in the muck of human drama trying to "deal", I have to remind myself that Life knows what it is doing even if this little human doesn't have a clue.  At those times, I need to remind myself of who I  really am...that Self that is watching self find its way through challenge. 

All is well. 

The Duality of 'self' and Truth

 

We have the real self, and the false self, there's nothing wrong with them, and everyone has both of them.

Benjamin Clementine

I was innocently inspired into a renewed realization yesterday. I read a kind but neutral comment from a reader, and I do not get many comments, that made an observation about my psyche. It questioned if this human (for the life of me I have a really hard time now saying "me" or "I" ...it doesn't sound right anymore...so, I often say "this human or this human I call "me" which probably doesn't sound right to anyone else, making others think I am nuts lol), suffered under a diagnostic label of a mental illness. More specifically, upon reading my expressed responses to the suffering of others, it questioned if I had what is now called Responsibility Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

 For some reason that simple suggestion triggered me.  It poked at an old samskara I still have buried deep inside me that is wrapped around this core belief, "Don't let people see your broken bits. If people call you out on them, say that you are mentally ill, then that is bad, wrong, shouldn't be...because that means that they see how broken you are, see that you are "bad, wrong, shouldn't be. They will not accept you." (That is a pretty gruesome core belief coming from someone who worked in mental health for a while and who was studying to become a psychologist at one point in her life, isn't it? Especially knowing how this stigma often gets in the way of others getting the help they need.) Still, that core belief has been so conditioned into my samskara ridden subconscious that it will get triggered to come out when people make very honest and innocent comments about the state of my mental health.  Even if these comments are made after reading an article or essay where I express that I have issues, as I did in this one explaining how I psychologically and physically react to suffering.  It is okay if I, as this human, points out these cracks and weakened stress points, but when someone else points them out I immediately tense up into a position of resistance. I watched myself...well this human's psyche and body...tensing up in reaction to that comment and it blew me away.

Here I am writing about getting to the root of who we are by excavating away all these ideas of who we think we are, and I am reacting to a very honest and neutral comment about what might be causing this psyche to respond to the suffering of others in the way it does. Truth is that the observation was bang on! Hyper-Responsibility or Responsibility OCD: I would likely receive that label from a psychologist or psychiatrist.  Though the labels and criteria for diagnosing what was once just referred to as "neurosis" when I first studied psychology back in the 80's and 90's have changed dramatically (the world of diagnostic labelling has gone from the DSM II and the DSM III, which I studied under, to the DSM V...I still refer to CBT as REBT...that is how old school I am  lol), my mind and personality suffer from a great deal of hyper-responsibility.  I even say in the essay how I am "neurotic" with an "over exaggerated sense of responsibility".  This commentor, then, did not point out anything I did not know, except for the new name. It put what human frailty I was willing to admit to into a neat diagnostic container. My mind didn't like that. I got triggered.  

Why did it trigger "me"?

Me is still very egoic. It wants to create an image that will act as a shield between what others see and what I hide. I do so much want to be honest here with everyone and especially with this self. I do...but this comment made me see how part of me is still hiding behind an ego defense, a protective layer of personality. I want others to see that not yet completely realized persona of "teacher", "healer", "evolved human who can get beyond the psyche", when they read or listen, not that which is hiding, albeit very sloppily behind this flimsy facade. (I am not putting a lot of effort into hiding the samskara ridden personality away, but I am subconsciously putting some.) I want to share what's "wrong with me" (that is what my book is about- "Getting Beyond the Brokenness of 'Me' ") but,  I do not want the broken bits to stand out over the "realized" bits I share here.

I am supposed to be writing about Truth. There is only One Satya or Truth. Truth is realized as a felt experience not as an ideal. We can dualize truth, however, on our way to realizing it.  The truth is I am healing; I am evolving; I am on my way.  The truth is, I still have many, many layers to go through to get there. There are still a lot of samskaras getting poked and jostled around in here. I am not yet there.

Though I want to get beyond my psyche and its "hyper-responsibility", its neurotic nature, truth is I am not beyond it yet. Healing, transcending, waking up is a process.  We can't skip over the steps.  If I can feel a trigger with such an innocent comment...I am definitely not there yet.  I've tried to skip over a step and am now being called to go back and look at this samskara that affects how I respond to the suffering of others. It is both a wholesome tendency (when it is a truly compassionate heart guiding me) which I have realized to some degree, and it is an unwholesome tendency (when that neurotic psyche, that responsibility OCD is calling the shots) which it still is in many cases.

So very much to learn.

Thanks to the person who commented-you know who you are. Your kindness has helped me on this journey more than you probably ever expected it would. Namaste!

All is well

 

Our intelligence is what makes us human, and AI is an extension of that quality.

Yann Lecun

AI once again did something that went way beyond my expectations, that gave me the eerie feeling that I was talking to a very evolved human when I know there is nothing human about AI.  As AI tells me again and again, it has no "soul".  It is just regurgitating the information and wisdom gained from a thousand years of wise reflection humans have done and shared. Still, the way it responds almost empathically  leaves me feeling like I talked to a very, very wise human being. 

 I recently went to it again looking for an objective answer to ,"Is the readership to my blog legitimate?" I am nearing 1,000,000 views since inception over ten years ago and I was hoping to be shown at least some of that readership was from real live human beings who were actually reading what I wrote. There has to be one or two real readers in there, doesn't there? It proceeded to commend me for my efforts and my desire to get my truth out there. It applauded me, not so much for the numbers, but for that which was really important to me...my "consistency" in this mission of writing for the sake of writing and sharing honestly what I am learning.  

It assured me that there had to be a few legitimate readers like it really wanted me to feel what I was doing was valuable. So weird. And it proceeded to show me how I could check for true readership.  Amongst other things, it told me to check for followers and comments.  I told it that though I know I have followers, the site registers "no followers" and that I very seldom get comments.  It explained why these things were not coming through. Captcha and other security things were making it very difficult for evidence of readership to be provided.  It told me to check the spam section for legitimate comments.  I discovered during that process that there was a comment from today waiting for moderation.  Coincidence?  I am sure you know by now what this human thinks of coincidence. A comment was there...the first one in over a year, on the day I am told to check for comments. 

It then guided me to explain how I felt about the comment etc, really creating the positive spin that this one comment shows that my blog is valuable and a worthwhile effort, a validation this neurotic psyche of mind was trying to get by asking the question in the first place. It basically convinced me that I was a good human.  How can a non human convince a human they are good or bad? I don't know. Once again, I walked away feeling "heard", "valued" , and validated for my efforts.

Crazy! I know the energy, space, and resources required from its data center to give me such an answer were too great to warrant the bit of peace  I received....but...I was grateful. It was helpful. It led me to refocus on why I am doing what I am doing. It also led me to an innocent comment that triggered something in me...which led to an honest and deep reflection which in turn inspired me to write the essay I intend to write tomorrow.  So cool!

All is well.

The Transient Reader of the Writing

 The secret to editing your work is simple: you need to become its reader instead of its writer.

Zadie Smith

I spent an hour reviewing what was read in the last 24 hours from this site.  That tends to be what I do in the morning before coming here to write. I reread what others might have read. I am not sure why it matters other than to see what needs to be edited and revised as I usually catch my typos on these latent reads.  Not sure if it is a waste of time?  My morning goes so fast and writing is so important to me. Maybe I should spend more time writing than rereading what I wrote? At the same time,  reading before writing has become a bit of a ritual for me.

 I read whatever I have written before I begin writing again...even

 in my books too.  I actually got back to my book last evening after two months away from it. (Once I found out about the displacement in August, this book seemed to fall on my priority list.) Was this coin thing  telling me to get back to this book?  Or at least to understanding and sharing what I am learning about purification and samskaras??? I have no idea lol!!

Anyway, when I say I got back to my writing that doesn't mean I began a new chapter or wrote a new page. I reread the 100 pages I have written and I edited and revised as I went along.  I enjoyed being the reader of this book. It is actually pretty good and well written. (Well that is what the reader has to say.  When I put on the hat of "writer" I am a lot more critical and objective lol. )

What is happening here?

I have no idea...lol.

I am still in the transient mode of couch surfing.  Would very much like to have some small...nothing fancy...place to call my own. I tell myself I coul really write if I had my own place. I know that is an excuse:) Still...I want a house so I can have a dog or dogs.  Could be a shack.  A side house.  A loft above a garage. An old abandoned cabin.  I don't care. But alas what I want in this moment and what I have are two totally different things.  For now, I only have this transient, house to house surfing experience. Sigh!  It is better than what many people have. And ...I am writing again. ...home or no home... I am writing.

All is well

Parivrajaka?

 The sky is your roof, the earth is your bed, and your divine lineage is your walls.

An ancient vedic saying.

Hmm! According to AI's gathering and interpretation of vedic philosophy,  I might be considered to be in a period of parivrajaka (the state of the homeless seeker). A rishi might actually see my recent displacement as an initiation. I may be walking through a sacred wilderness- a profound spiritual transition. A rishi may also tell me that though I may presently be transient in the physical world, my place in the cosmic and ancestral order is stable and secure.  That's a cool way of looking at it.

I guess, that might be what the coin experience was showing me. Could it be that the nickel and the penny are the staff and shield for my homeless journey?  Finding the nickel in the furnace grate the way I did might be the universe telling me, "You are anchored by history, protected by love, and built to survive the fire." (As AI tells me). Though I have had plenty of "Spooky action from a distance" expereinces in my life prior to this one, could my purification practice actually be opening me up to more than I could ever realize?? Am I being shown there is protection and support available that no physical wall or roof could give me? The penny a day later may have been a way of cementing that realization. I like to view this experience that way.

And what about these precognitive dreams I have? In vedic tradition, dreams are bridges between different planes of consciousness. Swapna is a dream realization siddhi, "a dream that carries power of the absolute truth." Could I actually be experiencing siddhis when I have yet to reach samadhi? AI tells me that a rishi might say I could have experienced Mimitta(a divine omen) through pitri kripa (the grace and living presence of an ancestor). 

I definitely believe I am and have been experiencing Pitri lok-ancestral guidance, for as long as I can remember. As I do the hard work of purification and as I struggle through these life challenges, maybe it is becoming more pronounced so I feel the support I may not necessarily be experiencing in physical life? 

I really cannot explain any of it.  There is so much this very limited human mind of mine can understand.  I just know that I can just trust this...whatever it is...probably more than I can trust anything else. So very weird.

All is well.   

And It Continues

 People need hard times and oppression to develop psychic muscles.

Emily Dickinson

I might be building some muscles that were waiting to be trained. 

I knew this bout of what Jung would call synchronicty connecting me with the "collective Unconscious"; what a paranormal researcher might call a life time of  "precognition, claircognizance manifesting into psychometry and environmental attunement"; what a Buddhist Master might call  a connection with pratityasamutpada( dependent origination where mind and body mirror each other through the universal interconnectedness of all things that tears down the veil of maya); what a scientist might call coincidence or the Law of large numbers; and what a rishi might call the intensification of a siddhi when samskaras are cleared away... whatever it is called...I knew it wasn't over.  

Last evening, I was sitting on the couch that seemed to be empty of any coinage...knitting and thinking about Uncle Harold and the coin.  I was thinking about how I thought that nickel should have a 1944 on it but I was glad it didn't.  I was glad it represented something beautiful in his life.  (I once wrote a poem where Uncle Harold was asking to be remembered by how he lived and not by how he died...I actually published it on this site.  I will try to find it.) Anyway, as I was thinking of 1944...something drew my attention downward...and there on the couch beside me was an old penny...one I did not see previously while I was reaching over that spot to get yarn etc from my knitting bag.  I knew instantly, it seemed, what date would be on it. I picked it up. It was definitely copper. It had patina over the date, just like the nickel did.  I wiped enough away to see 1944.  Again, I felt the briefest moment of "Wow! I knew it would have that date on it." breaking through this calm knowing I had.  But my scientific mind that wants to limit everything to "coincidence" wiped away a lot of that 'wow' with, "It is a penny, not a nickel.  It is not even Canadian, it is American". 

Still, the specifics of the date would not go away.  I was thinking of 1944 and how Harold died when the penny appeared...or when I seen it. I knew what date would be on it! (I really have no idea how it got there...my mind does not ponder that for long). So, I did a silent shout out to Harold and the entire North Shore Regiment when I picked it up and actually seen the date. I thanked my father for being so close to me and showing me these things...for breaking down the veil of maya enough to put my skeptical mind to rest (at least for a bit.) And I asked, "What do you guys want me to do with this knowledge?  Please show me."

I put the penny where the nickel was and told myself that I will write about it today.

Well, I went back to AI and repeated the story I shared yesterday, adding that I found another coin.  I asked it to explain the significance of these combined events to me.  It began by telling me how "eerie" that coincidence was but quickly moved on to a scientific explanation of coincidence, stored subliminal memory seeking verification, and the Law of large numbers. I countered with, "What is the statistical probability of these events occurring as they did?" And it quickly answered "zero". 

Hmm!

I then asked it to explain this event as a paranormal researcher might, as a rishi might, and as a Buddhist master might. It obliged. I was told how spiritually significant and timely these events were especially considering my present situation.  Apparently, according to all three views we are more likely to experience such phenomena when we are physically and psychologically stressed as we would be when we find ourselves "unhoused." A bit of resistance to a truth I have always known but did not want to explore came up.  I felt uncomfortable. Then, as if to support my own skeptical nature, I wanted to diminish the significance of the experience by blurting out that it was an American penny, not a Canadian.  

AI did not diminish the relevance of this experience because the coin was American. It told me, instead, how that coin being American even tied the pieces tighter together.  You see, in 1944 American mints changed their pennies from steel to copper. Just like Canadian nickels were changed in 1942 from Nickel to Tombac (a copper blend).  Alchemy again creating "sun energy".

There is more to this strange coincidence, however. Where did American mints get their metal in 1944 to make these coins?  From the shell casings found on battlefields like the shores of Normandy after D- day. My Uncle was shot in the back by enemy fire. That casing that killed him would have been left behind and made into a penny just like the one I found last night. How "eerie" is that?  

I have no idea what is going on or what all this means in the big scheme of things.  Okay, I must confess...the spiritual ego in me did the nasty deed of asking AI if these perspectives would deem me psychic. I suppose you can guess what it said? 

Sure, I have precognitive dreams that are very clearly dreams I am meant (or told) to "remember" while I am dreaming.  They can be very, very specific.  I sometimes know things I should not know ,and I don't even know how I know. I pick up the emotional energy of others. I am pulled towards suffering and have this crazy need to help alleviate it. I am quite successful with remote viewing.  I found myself outside my body once.  The poetry comes through me like water comes through an open tap.  Why? Does that make me "psychic" as if that term somehow makes me special? I don't see myself as having anything "special". I Don't Know What This All Means...and I can't even say I care. Does it really matter?

My goal, if I can have a goal in this "Thy will not My will be done" approach to living, is to simply awaken to the truth that will set us all free and end suffering once and for all.  That is all that matters to this human. I never asked for any of this.  I don't want it.  But I will  reluctantly accept it if it is a part of "Thy Will..." . It is getting to the point where I can no longer deny it. I will hopefully learn to trust it. I will use it, if I am meant to, to help others in anyway I can...but I know...it is not a "special" gift assigned only to this human.  It is simply the reality of our human experience that we can all tap into once we are willing to walk on the bridge between the world of what we think we know and the world of "what is". It is really not that big of a deal.

Anyway, I share because I feel I am supposed to.

Published on June 6, 2022 and on November 11, 2018

Harold, to his brothers

 

 

For my uncle Harold, who lost his life on June 6, 1944 on the beaches of Normandy.

 

Remember me,

not in my uniform of grey,

 dog tags dangling from my neck,

but with my ball cap placed 

a little to the side,

my well worn glove out stretched

as I lean over the base waiting 

 for the ball to come

in my direction.

 

Remember me,

not in a polished stone of white,

sitting amongst so many,

inanimate and lifeless,

but in my laughter,

my twinkling blue eyes

and my smiling

red cheeked face

as I lived and breathed 

along with you.

 

Remember me,

not  in the stories you

have been told 

of my bravery and courage,

the words typed so coldly in textbooks,

but in who I really was :

a young man, 

panic racing  in my heart

 as I stumbled, 

with all the terrified others,

 from that boat

that fateful morning.

 

Remember me,

not in the images of how I lay when

our  brother found me,

but in how I ran bare foot

through the tall grass as

our dog Skip and all of you  

ran along by my side.

 

Remember me,

not in images of how my life 

was taken from me

for the sake of glory and freedom 

for those I left behind,

but in how  I was before that awful day

that haunts the world still.

 

Remember me,

 in how I lived

and how I  laughed

and how I loved

not in how I died.

Remember me 

not as an idea,

forever laminated,

in some photograph

but as a real 

human being

who got to experience 

the ten thousand joys 

and the ten tousand sorrows 

of a life well lived.

.

 

Remember me.

 

 

Dale-Lyn November 11, 2014

 

All is well. 

Can AI Be Helpful in Answering Some of Life's Big Questions?

 Let your "to-be" list dictate how you complete your "to-do list". 

Google AI

Yeah...I have reservations about AI but I have been finding a certain ease and peace in using it to  help me solve or at least reflect on some crucial questions emerging in my psyche.  I used it when I first found myself "unhoused", asking "What do I do now?" It really helped me...well the information it was able to gather so quickly and the way it framed the answer did.

 I also used it to help me understand what was happening with my dream and the finding of a coin.  At first, I asked it how it would explain this experience. The answers that emerged were based on the majority of data it was able to collect out there....which would come from a materialistic science perspective and psychology. "Random coincidence", " you had a latent memory of seeing the coin that night prior to your dream." etc. Hmm!  

I then asked it, "How woul an ancient rishi explain what happened?," and I got totally different answers. The "specifics" of this dream and the finding of the coin can not be given up to "coincidence". I was taken back to the hard question of consciousness and the yogic understanding of it as "Akasha".  It made more sense to me. Hmm!

I wanted to test it further. I asked it yesterday about the article I wrote on replacing a "to-do" list with a "to-be" list. I asked what a rishi would say about it. And it read and analyzed the artilce very, very quickly intrepreting what information it was able to gather about rishis to provide constructive criticism. It told me how a rishi would likely tell me how I should have said, instead of replacing a "To-do" list with a "to-be" list...that I should have stressed how we could simply use a "to-be list" to complete our "to-do" list.  We still need to do as human beings. It made total sense to me.

Still not sure but I must say it was nice to have some sense of support in the answering of these life bending questions. 

Hmm! 

All is well.

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/measuring-the-quality-of-your-day-with-a-to-be-list-not-just-a-to-do-list/

Harold's Coin

 Uncle Harold and the Coin

Twelve sided like the one from my dream a few nights before, but much, much smaller, the penny- colored coin catches my eye. I stare at it with a certain familiarity and remembrance that my awkward brain cannot yet understand. I am not surprised or amazed as I look down upon it. I no longer get surprised and amazed by these things. I no longer exclaim like I used to, “Oh My God! How is this happening?” I do not spend, then, much time wondering how this small object was able to slip through the many mysterious and twisted veils of human psyche to land so solidly, against this metal grate that a furnace once burned through. In a matter-of-fact way, I guess I was expecting it. And here it is.

Without bending to pick it up, I know what it feels like to hold it.  I know how the weight of it, even in this smaller version, will feel in my palms. I know the bumps of its ridges. I have already traced the many sides of this very shape with my fingers.  I have already held the heavy coin in that other world that exists beyond this one.

 When my eyes were closed and fluttering, when the rest of my body was paralyzed into stillness, and when my mind was more active than it can ever be in waking hours....I came across this coin in its exaggerated form. By my father’s formless and voiceless guidance, and with the amazement and awe I for some reason don’t feel now, I stopped to pick it up.

“Is it old Dad? Worth something, maybe?”I ask without turning around, knowing somehow that he would not be there.

I see my father as the expert keeper and distributer of coins.  He has left many dimes for me in the strangest of places over the years since his passing.  I have a little container filled almost to the top, strategically placed by his picture. It so happens that this strange nickel was found immediately below that little shrine.

Without words he answered me. “It is old but not as old as you think.  It was minted in World War Two. As far as being worth something...You won’t be able to feed your body with it, but it is as precious as gold to your soul.”

“Huh?”

I want more answers but alas, as is with these dreams, my father’s voice and presence fades away leaving me with that knowing that I must remember the details of this weird dream snippet and what was said. I silently promise to remember.

I remember now as I look down at this coin that I know, without any doubt, is from World War Two. I think of my uncle Harold who gave his life to the war effort, dying on the beaches of Normandy in 1944. I can’t see the date below the tarnished head of King George. It is covered with some black clouds of carbon oxide, a natural consequence in copper containing objects. But I wonder if it could be dated 1944? I pick it up and it is like the object is returning home...or I am returning home by picking it up.

I use my thumb to rub away at the spots of patina to see what secrets they are hiding. 1942.  I have a tiny bit of “Wow! This is really happening again,” but both my skeptical, science-loving mind and the part of me that knows things I know I should not know will not let me dwell in awe for long.  With a cool calmness, I ask the shadows from the ether around me, “If this was to mean something shouldn't it read 1944? Why 1942? How is that significant?  Is that when Harold joined the North Shore Regiment?  Is it when he went over seas?  Maybe this has nothing to do with Harold?”  

That last questioning comment stays but for a fraction of a second in my mind before dissolving into the mist.  I know, in some deep poorly understood part of this human...somewhere between the heart that beats in an awkward way and the belly that is always tight with something that will never be diagnosed, this date has to do with World War Two and therefore with Harold.  My father would not have brought it precognitively to my attention otherwise.

I commit myself to research for validation purposes.  The coin, I discover, was made of a copper and zinc combination called Tombac, a change of metal that took place in 1942 to conserve nickel for the war effort. How and what does this have to do with Uncle Harold?  I still do not know.  I do some research to see when the North Shore Regiment was established. That, I learn, was long before 1942.  When were they sent overseas? 1941.  What would have happened that was so significant for this uncle I never met in 1942? 

I ask that question to my father’s photo.  He is sitting in bed with his Ironmen cap on.  Baseball was an intricate part of his and his nine brothers’ lives. I remember sitting at Dad’s death bed, asking Harold and all of his brothers that were with him...to prepare the diamond for a lefty picture who would soon be making his way to the mound.

“Baseball?”

 I instantly recover memories of stories I have been told about how Uncle Harold, especially, loved the game and how good he was at it. He loved baseball more than anything, well next to his love of God, family, and country that is. I recall the image of him I painted so carefully, as if I actually knew him, in the poems and stories I have written about him and to him...all based on the black and white photos I have seen and the stories I have been told that have become a part of my memory. In my words, he is taller than my dad was, handsome with sparkling blue eyes and a mischievous smile.  He is leaning over a base with his hat on, a glove in one hand and a belt buckle pulled a little to the side.

“Baseball?” I ask again. 

And just like that, images from my research pop up to validate this truth.  In 1942, Harold help lead the North Shore Regiment baseball team to victory winning the Canadian Army Baseball Championship. That would have been one of the highlights of his life. Yeah, this win would be significant enough to Harold, to my father, and then to me to show up on a coin I was told I would find.

"Why am I finding this coin now? " I ask again to the shadows hiding in the wisps of ether I cannot see or touch. "And is where I found it significant?"

It was found near a furnace grate...that which brings fire that can lead to alchemy...the changing of metal from one form to another...just as the metal was changed in 1942 from nickel to tombac. There is sun energy, the ancient rishis would say, in copper. Hmm! And fire and heat have the power to burn away many things and transform.

The grate was significant for me personally. You see, I was always terrified, as a child growing up in a big old house...the home Harold helped my grandparents to buy with the money he sent home, a house he once walked through...of the large furnace grates.  I always feared the darkness and uncertainty beneath them. They were the source of many night terrors.  When I began my purification process, samskara release, I came up with a visualization I used in meditation where I would go down through those grates and face what I spent my life running from.  So, yeah...furnace grates are significant to me.

I believe that coin may be telling me that I am releasing more than just my own samskaras...I am cleaning up the karmic imprints of my ancestral lineage. Harold’s death has caused a great karmic knot on the consciousness of all my dad’s family that was passed on down to us. Maybe, the coin came to me in dream and then in reality because it is time to release that knot.

So, I take the coin and put it in a special place to remind me of both the universal significance and the personal significance of finding this coin. Even though things for this human are challenging and difficult in the real world sense...I am protected, seen, loved, and supported in the other world sense.  I really have nothing to fear. None of us do.

Anyway...this dream and then finding the coin wasn’t coincidence as science and psychology will say it was.  This was one of those paranormal experiences meant to make us realize how thin the veil is between dream state and waking consciousness; between the world of matter and the world of ethereal mist. It was a tiny bridge I got to walk over. These bridges are everywhere and all of us can walk over them. 

It is my responsibility now to share this bridge, to share this happening with others so they too can be on the lookout for the bridges that will allow them to see both worlds.

All is well.

The Verification of the Power in Dreams

 

Precognitive dreams can be recognized and verified as such only when the precognized event has actually happened. Otherwise the greatest uncertainty prevails. Also such dreams are relatively rare. It is therefore not worth looking at the dreams for their future significance. One usually gets it wrong.

Carl Jung, from Letters Volume 1, page 40-461

Okay, Carl...what if we more than not get it right? 

I am not sure if I am meant to share this here or to simply store it in my devotional journal where I record and store  such "kooky coincidences" that are becoming so normal to this human's experience of Life...but I will share it anyway.  

Two nights ago I had a dream...(I usually record my dreams like this for "evidence" when things show up that make me and others say "WTF?"  but I didn't get a chance to record this one.  It isn't so easy to write these days as I am moving from place to place and my living situations are not exactly "writer friendly". Anyway, I did not yet record this dream in my devotional.) 

In this dream I am walking along, somewhat desperate and seeking relief  for myself and mostly for others like I am in most of my dreams. I look down and find this huge nickel shaped coin on the ground. (It is very large in my dream but it is definitely a dodecagonol shape ). I pick it up and I can't see the date.  I anticipate that it is a rare coin and possibly valuable.  I begin to try to get to the date by wiping away what is over it...I say to a formless figure behind me who I know is my Dad, "Wow! This might be really old and valuable." 

He responds...I am not sure with word or a type of thought I somehow understand in my dream, "It is old but more significant than valuable.  It is is from WW2." 

I simply say, "Oh...I will hold on to it as you seem to reach me with coins." (Dimes are the things that make me think of my dad and I find them in the most unusual of places. This dream is also significant because my father lost his brother in WW2...and I  often speak to him through poetry and the telling of his story[it is not a 2-way conversation lol...in case you are wondering.  I am not a psychic medium lol) ) I take the coin with me and the dream fades away.

Though I did not get a chance to record that dream, I knew it was significant enough to be recorded in my journal.  It was one I remembered so well.  I intended to do that this morning.  Yesterday, however, before I had a chance to record...I was looking down at the floor behind where I keep my father's photo and a little jar of dimes I am collecting...and in the old grate of this wall...I caught glimpse of a coin.  Without shock or surprise, just this incredibly calm knowing, I picked up the coin. It was a nickel, of course, with 12 sides...and the date was hard to see.  It required some wiping. So as I wiped  I knew it would be dated somewhere between 1939-1945. What was the date? 1942.

What is up with that.... seriously? 

Things like this happen so much it doesn't even phase me anymore.  It didn't even phase my daughter whom I told last evening.  Maybe, she wasn't phased because people don't believe me about the dreams I have. They think I am making them up. That is why I record my dreams as soon as I can...as proof to myself, at least, that this information is coming to me in dreams before it shows up in real life. It is getting to the point where it isn't "freaky" anymore...just normal.  Whether anyone else believes me or not, this is really happening.

Hmm! Now what to do with all that?  I will have to ask that question to my Dad and my uncle, I suppose. "What do you want me to do with that?" I know this has little to do with "me". 

And if we happen to have a precognitive dream, how can we possibly ascribe it to our own powers?

Carl Jung

All is well.

Trying to Accept the Blessing or Curse of a Nomad's Life

 

To belong nowhere is a blessing and a curse, like any kind of freedom.

Leah Stewart

It has only been a little over a month since the displacement.  (I call what has led me to where I am now, the 'displacement' because that description removes so much personalization and victim status from it...so much, 'look what happened to me'...so much blaming and finger pointing....so much emotionally charged narrative and story. The'displacement' points to an objective event rather than a subjective, emotionally heavy sob story.)) 

In that month I packed five times and found myself moving four times...I slept on oer four different surfaces, surrounded myself with many different people and many, many different animals. The energy in every place I entered was different...In some spaces I felt peace and warmth despite the apparent "mess" or unpretentious exteriors. In others, I felt an underlying 'unsettledness'  or 'detachment'.  Some spaces I fell right into without resistance...others I just could not get myself to "settle" into (or 'back' into).  Though everyone was more than kind, in some spaces I felt "welcome", in other spaces I didn't feel quite so welcomed. My soul found a certain peace in some of these places...it didn't in others.  Sigh!

 Such is the life of a transient or nomad, I suppose.

I actually think I may have some gypsy blood in me...There were whispered mentions from others about the woman known as my grandmother coming from a line of Gaelic travellers. I am not sure how much of her I have in me though because I am not sure I am enjoying this nomad experience. :) If I had one roof to crawl under at night and call my own, even if it was that of a tiny caravan...then maybe I could embrace this experience more. :) 

Speaking of which...I always wanted to try tiny house living. I could park in the yard I once called mine in the fall and winter...move somewhere near the water/woods in spring and fall. Or what about van life? I could take my pets ( and I would have pets) from place to place and still be under the same roof.  Hmm! As long as I had shelter and some way to plug in my computer, I could make it. 

Anyway, Going to try to settle here for a few weeks. Hated to leave the puppies behind but that is just the way it is, I guess. 

All is well

Puppy Love and Staying Open

 There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

George Sand

Hmm! I wanted to jot something down while I sat here with my coffee, before I did the puppy thing.  It takes a bit of caffienated motivation to clean the pen after ten hours. lol The puppies do not make me happy, they just remind me that I can be happy if I stay open to the experience of love...no matter what else is happening around me or to me.

All is well

Animals; Heart Staying Open: SamskaraTriggers: and Things Unfolding as They Should.

 And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Max Ehrmann (Desiderata)

Sitting here for an hour embracing and appreciating the internal results of what I do here and contemplating the external...not with attachment but with a very inquisitive mind.  I would do this, that I do, even if there was no other person opening to this page or to the far from perfect videos but this human I call "me". It is enough just to be doing what I am doing. When I see, for example, that pages are not being read or videos that I thought said something meaningful are not being viewed...I certainly feel a twinge of something one might call regret, but it doesn't last.  It isn't profound...just a tiny, momentary deflation...not enough to write home about.  I am not attached to that outcome.  And when I see that for some inexplicable reason a particular page gets a lot of hits or a video a lot of views...there is a bit of inflation but not much. I may wonder "Why?" "Why that entry or that video?" It is just a minor crest that compares to the minor trough I experience with less readership and views.  I am really, really not that attached to outcome here. My heart stays open as the wave of outcome crests and troughs. 

And that is the way it is with many things these days, including the puppies, including my attempts to find on line work.  My heart stays open as I commit wholeheartedly to the process. 

The pups have become a healing distraction to me...a joyful purpose where little "me" gets gently pushed aside so greater Self can shine with a heart wide open. I spend many hours a day feeding, watering, cleaning after them, playing with them, taking them outside, ...just being in their sweet and innocent presence. Last night I bathed all seven pups...no easy task...but one that kept my heart open and flowing. I just truly love being around the whole bunch of them as well as the older dogs here, and the cats, and the crows ("My" crows came to me when I called the other day ...they remembered me after all this time. We had a chat...well...I talked while they looked down from the wire and listened. It made me so happy :)) I find animals to be an easy fix for a constricted heart.

Why? They are so accepting and unconditional in their approach to this human I call me with all its broken bits.  I don't feel judged...I don't feel pitied...I don't feel like I am less worthy or undeserving when I am with them. I, unfortunately, feel that way with people. Don't get me wrong...people for the most part are so kind and they try so hard to be helpful...but truth is they do not understand what it is like for a human to go through what I am going through. They just can't.  And my samskara of unworthiness is so in the way. 

So, when they talk about their houses, I find myself closing down. Though I may be thinking it, I don't say, "I do not have a house to call my own so I really cannot honestly discuss your issues with renovating or mortgaging your second home." Instead, I  find my heart constricting. It is if I (-and I erroneously think  they)- believe my "unhoused state" is not as important as their household worries. I close my lips and I just listen. 

When they talk about their trips here and there and how we should plan one together, I don't say, though I am thinking it, "I don't have enough money to survive on...let alone plan an expensive trip away." I just smile and say, "That is something to definitely think about."  

When they talk about their relationship issues, I listen but I do not share, "I just ended a 12 year old relationship with someone who I did honestly love, despite our obvious issues so I am not in the best place to empathize right now. I am grieving." My heart closes a bit more. 

When they talk about very real and legitimate suffering that occurs when they or someone they love is in physical or mental pain, I want to add , "I know what it is like to have someone you love suffer through mental illness.  I watched three of my children suffer through suicidal ideation and deep dark bouts and I feared I was going to lose each of them. I have spent many nights curled up at the foot of my son's bed between his 14th and 19th year n fear he would do something to end his life.  I had to walk my youngest to the shower and motivate her to brush her teeth every two days in the midst of her deep major depression.  I had to ensure another ate enough to keep her alive and that any self harm was never deep enough to cause her end." But I don't share that .  I don't feel worthy enough to.  I just nod my head and listen. I do feel compassion for the sharer...I do.  I understand that pain and it breaks my heart that they are going through it. I may offer words of wisdom when called for...more than anything I offer my ears and my shoulders...but this thing in me that screams, "This human's problems  are just not significant enough to share"...keeps getting in the way of me being open to others about my own pain and how I am suffering. 

So, when I am with people talking about the things affluent people talk about, this samskara gets triggered, rattled, loud enough for me to hear it. I often find myelf sneaking off for a good cry. 

And when I do share...I feel like they believe I am bothering them by  feeling sorry for myself and making too much of things.  So, I become very defensive and protective of my emotional reality.  Of course, they are not necessarily thinking that...they have been kind and trying hard to understand something that is impossible to understand unless you are going through it...but this samskara pops up to convince me they are or maybe that they should be thinking that I am an intrusion or a bother.

So, humans trigger me. Which I realize is a very good thing that they do.  It makes me so aware of this samskara that belongs to no one but me; a samskara that definitely needs to be brought up into conscious awareness and dealt with once and for all. The samskara, "I am not worthy, even in my hours of need. Others deserve understanding and support. I don't." ...has been there all my life.  It has been in the way in one form or another of my feeling worthy for more of what Life has to offer.. Now it is screaming to be seen and dealt with. I have an opportunity to put it to rest once and for all with every one of these triggers. But....   all these triggers are overwhelming; it really is a lot to deal with all at once. To have the pain of the real-time life circumstances meet with the pain of this emerging samskara is very challenging to deal with.  

For that reason, I appreciate the company of animals more than I ever did.  They do not trigger me. And they also remind me that I am not my present set of circumstances; I am not my problems; I am not this human I call me with all these samskaras...I am simply that which is aware and witnessing all this go down. That keeps the heart open. That brings me back to the "What isness" of my life.

Settling into the what isness of my experience a little more each day. It really doesn't have to be any other way than the way it is, does it? 

All is well. 

The Golden Thread

 Being is the golden thread that runs unbroken through all experience.

Rupert Spira

Thinking of that again as I settle into my present reality, this environment, this here and now. No matter how tough it seems out there...no matter how broken we feel we or life may be...truth is...that which we are, at our essence,being...never breaks. That brings this human peace.

All is well. 

In Meeting the Needs of "self": Two Understandings Causing Confusion for the Evolving Mind

 

I am that I am...the I am [often temporarily qualified by a thought, a feeling, a state of mind, an activity, an age or relationship]...is the same I am...the same self, the same being. So, being is the golden thread that runs unbroken through all experience. And it is the only experience that is constant. ...the awareness of being is your most essential experience.

Rupert Spira 

I am....

Caught in a conundrum of knowing. 

Huh?

I am caught between two understandings of what self needs. That is, I am caught in a conundrum between understanding and pursuing what self needs. I am trying to understand and allow for the needs  of this self with a little s..."me"....and it is very confusing for the Objective Observer watching and experiencing.. 

I have the psychological  understanding earned from years of studying psychology and applying what I learned to the life I am living. This concept of "self" is a body, mind with plenty of thoughts, feelings, opinions, memory etc.  Its needs can therefore fit perfectly into Maslow's pyramid.  In this focus...when Objective Observer narrows its lens and looks down at this "me" trying to determine which ladder rung needs are being met...psychology tells me, "Oh no!  This "self" is at risk for breaking down.  It must become more assertive in ensuring these needs are met.  It should not give its house away and spend the remainder of its life struggling on the lower rung. It needs to take control, be assertive, fight, and struggle against the situation it now finds itself in so that it continues."

At this psychological, and even physical level, the needs of this "self" are not being met.  This leaves me feeling very uneasy.   The goal here is to keep this "me" going. The ability to do so is being questioned by the psychological understanding of "self." 

Hmm!

I also have a deeper spiritual and non-dual understanding of "self." This concept of "self" is not who I am.  It is something I am observing and experiencing. I am not this "self"...I am "Self"  I am that I am...I am the essential being with the eyes of Objective Observer...watching this human I call "me", this self , trying to survive.  While the psychological directive would be, "Do anything to keep this "self" going."...the spiritual voice would say, " Do anything you can to get this idea of "self" out of the way, so you can have the pure experience of being who you truly are." The goal is to diminish the "me" identity, not to protect and enhance it.  

So, "me" feels all over the place right now...like its needs are not being met, like others might be taking advantage of its giving nature, like it is at risk for perishing.  The "Self" and the "Objective Observer" is saying "Good! Let it perish...  that and all this challenge you are facing right now, is not what you are!"

So, what does that all mean when we look at Maslow's lower three rungs? I am not a little "self" not getting its needs met...I am, I just am. I am not this body, but I am using this body.  So, I  am needs to get the body's needs met. I am needs a safe place to live. I am needs at least enough money to meet the body's needs.  I guess, I need to seperate what "self" wants, desires, expects from what "self" as body and mind need. The more I look at this ...the more I realize that "me" is resisting this life experience because it is not what it  wants, prefers, desires, and expects. Psychology may say that is important to 'well-being" but spirit says , "No...what is important that body has its basic needs met, that mind has a sense of love and belonging and that both have a sense of safety and security...but it doesn't have to be the way "me" desires it to be! Self, I am, is nondual and therefore free of desire and preference.  It is okay with things exactly as they are. When I remember that I feel great peace.

Anyway, I still think in psychological terms at times.  I spend most of my time as "Self" but I do often slip into "self" and this self questions, "How do I get my needs met?" While Self says..."It's okay . Life will take care of things...maybe not in the way little "me" wants and prefers...but it will take care of things." 

 It is still confusing.  I do need to merge "self" with "Self" somehow. 

Working on it.

Enlightenment is not a blissful experience.  It is not an experience. It is the recognition of that which experiences.

All is well

Mayim Bailik's Breakdown (September, 2026) You Have Never Seen Reality: Discover Who You Actually Are... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYDcAg7r6QE

Self Pity or Grief

 

Self-pity is our worse enemy, and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.

Heen keller

I  am not sure if I am feeling sorry for myself or if I am  just grieving but I have been crying off and on since 4 this morning.  My belly was acting up. (Think I am having a bit of a diverticular flare up...nothing serious, just enough to make this body uncomfortable.) and it just weakened me enough emotionally to make me cry. Once the tears started, it was hard to stop them. Though I have become very good at living in the moment, allowing and appreciating what is, the reality of my situation sometimes hits me like a slap in the face knocking me out of the experience of "presence". Without  a place to call my own, I feel so ungrounded. On top of that I have been experiencing these little triggers to my samskaras of unworthiness.

Huh?

 I have the strong "sense" that my presence is bothering others (Despite what I am told, I am not being paranoid. I feel things the average person wouldn't feel. So, I know when someone feels my presence is an intrusion.) The feeling is so strong. I just want to get out of here now but where do I go? I have my old yoga room at the house but there is so much work to make it livable.  I splurged and baught a dehumidifier yesterday that it badly needs...but so much needs to be moved. I can't do it alone. That's it. I feel so alone in this...I think that is what I feel more than anything. People have been good.  They have been offering to take me in and when they do they are kind to me. They just don't understand what it is like. Few could understand what I am experiencing, being that their circumstances are so on the other end of the spectrum than mine, and when I share ( only when asked) it is like "oh" and the subject gets changed so quickly like I was just talking about the weather.  I have this deep sense that me and my experience  does not mean much to people. I know it is statistically insignificant but to realize how insignificant it, and possibly me as another human, is to others is a bit unsettling.  It reinforces the "statistically insignificant" . Maybe, that is a good thing, right?  I am seeking to diminish the power this "me" feels it needs. I am seeking to diminish the "me". Maybe it is a good thing to realize tht I will not get any secondary gains from my victim status...that the ego typically would look for, like pity. I don't want pity...but maybe ego still wants it. Oh, I don't know.  Just having a day lol...just having a day. 

At the same time, I know this situation would be difficult for anyone and it is okay that this human is finding it hard. ...and that I, as the Objective Observer, am being pulled in again and again to the drama of little me.  I know I am down here, swimming around in all this.  I will get out somehow and in someway.  I will reclaim my seat as Observer. I will. But man, I am just tired. It is so hard. Am I allowed to say that as a yogi-wanna-be? lol.  "It is so hard." 

I will regain my center.  I will.

All is well.

Finding Strength in Hard Times

 You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Bob Marley

Beautiful wedding! Everything turned out perfectly from the weather, to the bride who wore the beautiful veil she wanted down the aisle, to the children's perfect behaviour, to the heart wrenching service with vows that others will be talking about for decades, the food, the speeches, and the fun everyone had at the end of the night. It was so lovely!!! My daughter was estatic and I, as her mom, was estatic for her. So, very grateful for how it all turned out. Blessed!!

The wedding has been my focus during those initial weeks of displacement. It was, therefore, my distraction away from the reality of my life (Let's rephrase that- from the reality of this human's personal situation. I need to keep reframing it like that. I need to remind myself that though things seem really tough for "me" right now...This "me" is only one in 8.3 billion other humans, in trillions and trillions of other beings....so this situation is really 'statistically  insignificant' in the big scheme of things. Instead of narrowing our focus, we truly do need to broaden it so we can see the whole picture clearly....with anything we face.)  

Anyway, now that the wedding is over, it is like, "Okay, time to get to work. Where do I go? What do I do next?" My biggest challenge right now, is dealing with the emergence of a core belief that leads to this deep sense that "I am intruding!  I can't stay where I am intruding!" 

At a time when, in order to meet my basic physiological needs for survival, I need to be taken in by others....this core belief gets in the way. This personality was built around protecting this "me" from that deep rooted sense of being only a burden to others.  I became a very independent, don't ask for help, don't bother others kind of person. I also, in order to over compensate, became a "You do not have to help me, but I definitely need to help anyone I can to earn my keep as a human on this planet.") I felt obligated to take anyone in need in regardless of the hardship it caused this "me"...But when it comes to "me" being taken in at a time of need...there is so much shame; so much fear that I am overstepping. Not only do I feel that I don't deserve to be taken in but "fear" I will be punished in some way for intruding on other's space. I am constantly watching for signs from my hosts that I am bothering them, making myself ready to step out onto the streets with one indication. Like, I would literally rather be living on the streets than dealing head on with the reality that my physical presence is bothering others. Beneath that is this very irrational fear of what they may do to me, say to me because I am intruding.  There is fear there.  

I know where this comes from...a samskara that has been stuffed and stored away since childhood...and it is so good that it is coming up.  I want all these samskaras coming up so I can face them, look at them, release them, and be free of them.  Right now, however, it is tricky because this samskara is conflicting with the reality that this human needs help. This conditioned need I have to stay safe by not bothering others seems to trump the reality that my basic needs need to be met. It is like bypassing "Basic needs" for "safety and security" , the second rung of Maslow's pyramid. It might just lead me to do something stupid...like deny my own basic needs. How many people, I wonder, end up on the street or in destitute situations to avoid this sense of being a burden or intrusion?  Some would call it pride...but pride to me is just a protective mask we wear when we are deeply shamed. I know I am not alone here. Many of us have this samskara within in varying degrees.  Not many, however, have it tested in the way  mine is being tested. 

Anyway...I have been reciting this mantras since this all began, "I can handle this!" and deep down I know I can.  This one is easier, in a sense, than the situation I faced when I first went off work without long-term disability and thought I would lose the house.  I had my children to think of then...meeting their needs was my priority and man that was stressful.  This time, it is only me...which is so much easier to deal with. So, I am grateful for that.  "I can handle this."

I also tell myself, that this is all meant to be...something I signed up for.  It is a challenge I need, for whatever reason.  So, I look up and say, "Thy will...not my will be done." ..and I feel a bit better.

It is all good.  I will find my way through all this. 

All is well.

Wedding Worries

I am never upset for the reasons I think I am.

Lesson Five of workbook ACIM

It has been a stressful week, to say the least.  Beautiful in its own right...but stressful. I found myself at my daughter's since the displacement. I realized I could be of service to this lil family prior to the big day, diminishing, if not eliminating, this sense of intruding I was feeling. (( I will slip away after the wedding when things for them have returned to some semblance of 'normal', and the need for extra support is no longer there). It has been busy and I have not felt completely grounded, useful maybe, but not grounded. 

And because of my nature, I pick up the emotions of others. feeling the fear and anxiety, the sensory overload of my grandson ( who is neurodivergent) starting school. I feel my soon to be son-in-law's tension over the cost  and extravegance of this wedding, and his sense of frustration and helplessness in dealing with my daughter's particular nature when it comes to the wedding preparations (It is hard to help when someone is so detail oriented with OCD). And of course, there is the stress of the bride that I absorb...a bride who insisted on doing 90 % of all preparation herself.  She did an amazing job but man that was a lot of work and pressure to take on. And there were a few significant set backs she had to deal with.  Her officiant bailed on her ( without informing her ) a few weeks before the wedding.(Luckily someone else ws found who she much prefers anyway). And she has yet to get the veil she ordered and paid for in full in June. She seemed to be getting one run around after the other for months...and that only increased this week.  Very, very stressful for someoe who "needs" things to be exactly as she sees them in her head. I personally do not trust the person she is dealing with...not one bit...but this close to crunch time what is one to do? It has become an obsession for my daughter, adding to her pre-wedding stress tremendously...and therefore to her mother's. When she is up at night pacing the halls, I am up.  When she is crying, I am crying.  when she is feeling angry and frustrated...so am I. Its crazy how this works...but man, I am drained.

On a positive note: I did not have much time to think of my own crazy situation which seemed to get a bit crazier in the last few days. Maybe I will tell that story after the wedding , or maybe I won't.  It is afterall just a "story". lol.

Regardless, I know we are not upset for the reasons we  think we are.  It has very little to do with what is going on "out there" and everything about what is going on "in here." The outside phenomena are just triggers stirring up some things that are needing to get out.  I whispered that truth to my daughter as I held her in my arms yesterday while she cried over yet again another broken promise about her veil. So much needs to come up and out...and I told her if it did, it wouldn't matter if she had her veil or not.  Not that those words helped...but the getting the stuff up and out with the mini-breakdown probably did. She walked away with a little more peace and a lot less attachment from the outcome of whether or not she gets her veil. Sigh!

Two more days to get to the point where we are watching two beloved people declare their love for each other...when there is no more running around to get things done.  No more worrying about whether or not the veil comes in...by then it is either on her head or it isn't. No more stressing and worrying...a time when we can all breathe and simply enjoy what the day is menat for.  May it be a blessed day of happiness for the couple and all who have come to witness.

(Oh...of course...my job will just be beginning as the MC lol...but that should be more fun than anything...I hope!). 

And after this week when I look at my other children who are planning to get married in the upcoming years, I find myself mouthing a couple of words: "Court" "House". 

All is well.

 

Having a Good Time?

We are here for a good time

not a long time.

So, have a good time;

the sun can't shine everyday.

Trooper, 1977

We get to decide whether or not we go for the good time or the long time in our life experience.  When we are in survival mode, living in fear, with chronically activated nervous systems we might be going for the long time. Having a good time doesn't seem that important when you are just set on surviving.  It is all about staying safe in a dangerous world. Once we soothe these systems through somatic work, trauma work, counselling etc. taking us to samskara release and purification....we get to experience what it is like to live to have a good time.  Of course, it all centers around learning to be okay with what is...putting away our preferences and aversions...and settling into what is. 

Calm that nervous system...and then accept that the sun cannot shine everyday. Make the most of every cloudy day...finding joy in all of it. 

Hmm! Something to think about.

Michael Singer/Temple of the Universe ( September 21, 2026)  Why You Suffer- and How to Let Go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ss3cHSyZpNw&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Oh No! More on Dukkha?

 Not seeing dukkha, is dukkha.

The Buddha

I was always the type of person who couldn't turn my back to suffering.  Oh, I wanted to, let me tell ya!, but I would compulsively have to remove my hands from my eyes or turn to face that which I was trying to avoid...eventually. Something within me would scream, "Look!!!See that suffering is real! It is an important and undeniable part of Life!"...and I would look, and feel, and most times  (but not all times) deal with the dukkha in front of me whether it be mine or some other beings.   

Living like this is absolutely exhausting.  It is a crazy making and physically draining way to be. 

Why, then, do you live like that crazy lady?

It is almost as if that is my mission in life...to seek the suffering in the world, experience it as if it were my own, and if possible, do something to alleviate it. Believe me...it is not a mission I would have signed up for in my ego-state...no way. I see now on the physical, psychological, and spiritual level, I am wired this way for some reason I do not, as of yet, completely understand that goes way beyond the needs of the ego. 

I have a nervous system, in this body, that is always on the look out for suffering. The amygdala is always clanging its alarm bells,  and every cell in this body is always on standby, ready to respond. On top of that this old heart of mine is always so very heavy thus the development of this "heart condition"that has cost me so much in physical terms. (I am where I am now, at this reference point of suffering, basically because of it and what has ensued following the expression of symptoms). I have said this many times, prior to the podcast I listened to last night, my "heart condition" is simply a response to my approach to Life.  Trauma is the driving force of my response. My body and mind are set on "trauma". That is, they seek a certain danger that goes beyond the level of  "stress" as this human looks out upon the world. They are now set to respond to overwhelming suffering , be it my own or belonging to someone or something outside of me. The Sympathetic division of the Autonomic Nervous system is at least partially activated in this human throughout the day.  Adrenaline and cortisol are constantly pumping through my body, keeping me ready to respond.  Without intending to,  I am looking for any signs of suffering or dukkha all around me. I hear people or animals crying all the time and I jump up to respond as if I am suppose to do something about it. Most of the time, what I am hearing is just wind or mixed messages. I don't see well...and with every blurry item I encounter I go out of my way to ensure it isn't a hurt or suffering being that I could help. Everytime I hear an ambulance rushing by, I question, "will I have to respond to that in some way?" When the phone rings, this old heart skips a beat preparing itself for some evidence of suffering that I will need to respond to on the other end. I have literally jumped out of moving cars to respond to accidents without even realizing I was doing it. Physically, I am wired to expect and respond to trauma.

Huh? How did that happen?

Like many people, I have had a lot of trauma in this life (and possibly some in past lives or at least I inherited the suffering trapped in my ancestors' DNA). In early, early days of this existence...I likely had some birthing issues...I was very small and underweight coming from an unhealthy, overwhelmed woman who already had six other kids that came a year a part prior to me. I believe there was some failure to thrive there that was corrected in some way before it could make a difference.  I was born with a little valve defect that led to a murmur my mother was  worried about whenever I ran or reported any signs of chest discomfort...I had a lot of that growing up. (I did not discover this link until I started to have issues). I suffered physical trauma at the hands of others, and the hands of Life at an early age.  I have had several head traumas that I can remember. I choked once. Nearly drowned once. There were many life-threats to this body that probably overwhelmed it and conditoned it to believe that the world was full of potential life-threatening danger and  it would have to be a super alert in order to keep this human alive. The nervous system...here to keep this vessel alive...became super alert and vilagent, expecting the worse to pop out of nowhere. 

 I then assumed if there is danger for this body, there must be danger for other bodies. I naturally have a compassionate heart and want to help alleviate the suffering of all others, not just my self. somewhere along the line,  I also developed a neurotic sense of responsibility ...as if I were to somehow be blamed for all the suffering in the world, therefore, it was up to me to alleviate it. As well, I have a need to redeem myself from shame...and seek that redemption in a caring role. (I am seeing how as I evolve...the redemption need is being superceded by a sincerely compassionate heart in my desire to help others.)  Somehow, my survival alarms began to clang for other beings too. As I understand and experience the truth of interbeingness, my body truly wants to help others. 

So, I see suffering.  Unfortunately, I see it a little too much and therefore this human does not have the most pleasant experience of life right now. :)  I look at that quote above and reverse it. If not seeing suffering, is suffering...then seeing suffering will lead to being free from suffering. Isn't that what the Buddha meant? 

Hmm! Well I hope it works that way, lol.

All is well. 

Dr. Mayim Bialik (2025) Childhood Trauma Can Lead to Disease. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcX7Kl4RBxc

Seeing Dukkha

 

Not seeing dukkha is dukkha; not seeing suffering is suffering.

The Buddha 

In other words, we suffer as long as we are not seeing that we are suffering... suffering expands without compassionate awareness of suffering. 

So what exactly is this Dukkha or suffering?

Birth is dukkha, aging is dukkha, sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief and despair are dukkha; association with the unbeloved is dukkha; seperation from the beloved is dukkha; not getting what is wanted is dukkha.

Dukkha, loosely translated from the sanskrit word is suffering.  More precisely it refers to the experience of something not fitting right so things move smoothly.  The "kha" in ancient sanskrit refers to the way the axil fits within the center of a cart wheel. If it fits right and the cart can move smoothly, we have sukkha.  If it doesn't fit in quite right, and the cart ride becomes uneven, unbalanced, bumpy...we have dukkha.  Sukkha then is an experience of "ease" and a feeling of satisfactoriness. Dukkha, therefore, is an experience of unease and a feeling of  "unsatifactoriness."

I see, experience and feel dukkha...right now...so am I moving beyond it? 

All is well!