Facing the Ultimate Samskara

Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering....

Trauma is a fact of life. It doesn't, however, have to be a life sentence.

Peter Levine

Even though I have been gradually moving away from hope's confusing trance for quite some time now, I always start the summer all 'hopeful' for months of fun, excitement, and rest. By the time July hits, however, I suddenly 'remember' how hard Summer is on this body and therefore this mind. Humidity just wipes me of my physical oompf. Though it happens every single summer, it surprises me to realize how heavy outside and inside I feel because of it. 

When your body is healthy you never have to think about it. When you are healthy mentally you are free to enjoy every moment of life. Michael Singer

I do not enjoy every moment of Life in the summer months. I do not experience joy, excitement, or rest because hope like the light air in a balloon dissipates in this humid atmosphere and this "me" that was the casing holding hope inside also deflates. I feel myself shrinking, shrinking, and shrinking, involuting into myself. I literally feel the heavy weight around me just squishing it all in. What humidity is really doing is taking me to the core by eliminating the remaining hope that keeps me from my center. This pressure takes me to this thing within my core I have been running from, that which needs to be released. 

There is nothing affecting your inner state but you. Michael A. Singer

This morning I woke up and I had the full experience of it for the first time. What is the "it" that made itself known? It was that which I was burying for years; that which I was protecting from triggers; that which I was running from through constant busy thought and activity; that which was hidden by layers and layers of hope for something different; and that which I didn't dare look at or think about let alone "touch" and "experience. " Suddenly there it was, staring up at me. I seen it...I felt it...I experienced it. 

"Oh My God...that is what is inside me?" 

It seemed so unbelievable.

What we can change inwardly, will change our reality. Plutarch (Platonist Philosopher and author of "Parallel Lives".) 

 It was so deep and dark. My psychology-oreinted mind deemed it as overwhelming sadness, grief, and hopelessness that was heavy and all consuming, like some deep sink hole that wanted to pull me all the way in.  I mean, I was always sinking into it but in my resistance, I was thrashing around so much I managed to stay on the surface of it. I was able to keep my head -my mind- up and away from it so I didn't have to see what was pulling me down. This morning, however, I looked down and I seen it. I just shook my head in surprise upon realizing that amount of darkness was inside me. My thought was, "I never thought I was that sick and sad; that broken." 

Wounds don't heal the way you want them to; they heal the way they need to. Dele Olanubi

I reflexively looked away, but it was too late.  I had already seen, felt, experienced what was there in my core...like a malignant tumour. There was no going back from that. I had to move forward on this healing journey.

After a failed attempt at resistance, I settled into the reality that this malignancy was there inside me. I felt exactly where it was in my body. 

The body remembers. Stuffed until an event, a sound, a sight, a touch, a word, or a person awakens them. Unknown

Gradually, I came to terms with that fact that I was exactly where I have to be: experiencing it. No more hiding it, no more running from it, no more distracting from it. I have to see it.  I have to touch it.  I have to acknowledge it.  And, I have to allow it, even appreciate it and honor it?  (Or at least appreciate the experience of finally being at the point of this excavation process where I can see what is really there in the form of my biggest, most life-shrinking samskara.) 

On a positive note...I see now how I have come so far in this purification process. This samskara was once buried under so many layers and now I have (or Life has) dug right down to it. It is obvious to me that I have released so much of the pain and distraction that was once stuffed and stored on top of this thing. I have unburied it so it can begin its release.

We dig a well and create a huge pit. The space in the well or pit has not been created by us. We have just removed the earth that was filling the space there. The space was there then, and it is also there now. Similarly we just have to throw out all the age-long sanskaras (innate tendencies) which are inside us. When all of them have been given up, the Self will shine alone. Ramana Maharshi

It is a doozie of a samskara, let me tell ya. It is kind of terrifying to even look at it. All the memories that formed it are not there, thank God.  I don't think they have to be. I just have to acknowledge this big ball of dark emotional energy that was controlling my life from the shadows for so very long. It is so big and overwhelming. The light on the other side of it was unable to come through in anything but trickles. So, in order to survive in this darkness, I focused on building a house, a world of pseudo happiness with artificial lighting, on top of its sand. What I experienced to date as joy and love was only what this dim artificial light of hope offered and by looking outward to find the furnishings for this house I built.  It wasn't real. It wasn't strong enough to last.

But everyone who hears these words of mine but does not put them into practice is like the foolish man who built his house on sand. The rains came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 7: 26-27 NIV

Obviously, the true light beneath came through just enough to encourage me to begin this journey inward. I felt directed to tear down the house I built on sand and dig down into what was below it.  My learning is now telling me that I do not have to dig anymore...I do not have to reach down with an excavator to pull this thing up from the hole. I just have to be willing to allow it to make its own way up and out...to sit with it as it does that, to acknowledge it, to feel it, experience it, forgive it, honor it, embrace it, and let it go. I want it up and out of me.  I want it gone. I am willing to go through the pain of sitting with it until it is gone. Sigh!

I have put away my wish and hope for summer to distract me with adventure, excitement, and a special kind of rest.  I accept what it does to my body and mind.  I even appreciate it because I see now that it takes me inward to where I need to be. I am not so much focusing on getting to all the Shakti in the form of light and love that exists on the other side of the samskara I am facing.  I am just concentrating on healing, on facing this samskara and sitting with it...trusting that doing so will put an end to that which was determining my life to date. I just want the healing peace I somehow know freedom from this samskara will bring.

Experience, in and of itself, is your teacher...you are now holier than you were before because you experienced it. Michael A. Singer

So ...instead of habitually pulling away from this that I am now seeing I am preparing myself for a summer of sitting with it.  I begin with, "Hello pain...you have been hidden away in here for quite some time, haven't you? I apologize for stuffing you away for so long. I was just afraid. I didn't know how to cope with you. I am still not sure how, but I am willing to get to know you now, see you, hear you, experience you until you are ready to move on. I want to be holier than I was before, by finally experiencing you."  

All is well. 

Where did the quotes come from?

• Michael A. Singer/ Seats of Contemplation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJuLquvJ-y4
• declutter the mind: 100 + PTSD quotes to help survivors: https://declutterthemind.com/blog/ptsd-quotes
• AZ Quotes: Samskara Quotes: https://www.azquotes.com/quotes/topics/samskara.html
• bible gateway: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%207%3A24-27&version=NIV

Already Within

...according to the Advaita, this freedom is not to be attained, it is already ours. We only forget it and deny it. Perfection is not to be attained, it is already within us.  Immorality and bliss are not to be acquired, we possess them already; they have been ours all the time. 

Vivekananda

Advaita is a non dualistic school of thought that comes from Vedanta.  It proposes that the only and ultimate reality is Brahman and Brahman is the unchanging essence of all existence. 

What "freedom" is the above quote referring to?

Freedom from the limitations of body and mind. .

If you dare declare you are free, free you are this moment. If you say you are bound, bound you will remain.

All is well.

Vivekananda (n.d.) 2.6.4 Practical Vedanta : Part 4. Complete Works. Kindle

Removing Bandaids and Blockages

Life is a blockage removal process...you don't have to do anything.  Just don't resist.

 Michael A. Singer

When we first realize that this seeking to make okay by grasping, clinging, and pushing away the reality of life circumstance doesn't work...the magic elixer of hope becomes nothing but swamp water. Without hope which is like articifial lighting in comparison to the brilliance of the sun... everything suddenly seems dark and foreboding, the mess inside seems so much bigger and so much deeper. We have this realization of not okayness inside and we may feel we have no way out. (This is the 'dark night of the soul', often described as a very important part of spiritual growth.) 

"Reality sucks!! You mean I got to suffer like this...I have to live in this dark, heaviness hopelessness provides? " 

Yeah. but only until we tap into the brilliant sun within. 

What the Fork, crazy lady?

Getting to the point where we are willing to go without hope and the external bandaids we have been collecting over the years to fix and hide what is not okay inside is a process.  It takes a great deal of waking up and courage to get to the point where we are willing to face what we have been running away from all our lives and to go without  light for a while. It takes a great deal of committment to remove external coverings and go within.  Knowing that this light we have become so dependent on is an artificial, external light, nothing in comparison to the brilliant light of the sun...might help us to get to this point of removing bandaids.

Removing bandaids?   

Singer reminds us that we are "not okay" because of a lack of bandaids. He describes bandaids as being what we seek from the external world to make us feel okay inside: the perfect job, the perfect relationship, perfect financial abundance, perfect health, = the  perfect light. It is the hope of getting these things.  These bandaids are what we erronously assume are the solutions to our so called brokenness but they do nothing more than cover and constrict. They keep us from experiencing who we truly are. 

You are not okay because you are blocked 

You don't find God you keep working on removing the blockages that keep you from experiencing that you are God. 

Underneath the bandaids we have blockages inside that need to be removed. We really do not need to do anything but allow the brilliant light of God to melt all the exterior stuff away so we remember who we are.

When Singer started talking about bandaids I was  instantly reminded of a poem I wrote many years ago entitled " Ego Dressings"

Ego Dressings

We are told that we are broken,

and are instructed to look away

as “wound coverings”  are applied

so expertly

by Ego’s competent hands.

With what seems like loving patience,

it hides the wounds

that it, itself, has made.

 Plaster and  gauze

is applied

layer,

by layer,

by layer,

creating a thick

and life absorbing dressing

over who we really are.

It looks neat.

It looks secure.

It looks like it will protect,

our vulnerable flesh from

the dangerous world around us.

So we do not dare to peek at

what lay beneath,

at what we are told

by Ego’s hissing reprimands

is ugly and infected. 

 Yet the dressing is so tight

and restricting,

limiting our movement ,

preventing the life blood

from  turning our beings pink

with new growth,

making our bodies throb with pain,

while offering no hope of healing.

 

Something within tells us to

remove each layer…

though it stings to do so .

Something guides us to expose

the hidden flesh

to the air

that longs to caress it.

 

We gingerly push

Ego’s prying hands aside

and we remove the dressing

bit by bit,

piece by piece

 until what lay beneath can be seen,

until it can breathe,

until we can look down to  see

that no wounds were ever there.

 

“Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists.

Therein lies the peace of God.”

©Dale-Lyn 2018

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( July 3, 2025) Allowing Life to Remove Your Blockages. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEt3ZwjA2Po&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Copycat or Original Thinker

 

Are you copycatting Michael A. Singer? Is anything you share original?

That question came to my attention recently and it really made me think. Grateful for it.

It is true that I feel very connected to what Michael Singer has to say. I felt, for example, very connected to the teaching found in today's podcast: Allowing Life to Remove Your Blockages.  I always feel so in tune with his sharing.There are certain times I hear his message and it especially resonates with everything I "know" somehow to be true...the same things I have been sharing with others for years. It is almost like we sat down and collaborated before today's podcastlol.

I know...most people would say, "Well crazy lady, you certainly didn't collaborate with someone who sold over a million copies. You must have gotten all this stuff you write here from him.  He is the famous one. You are the copy cat, aren't you?" 

As for copycatting

Hmm...I hope not.  It is not my intention to copy anyone or take their work as my own.  I have too much integrity for that both in the lower and deeper motivations of this human I call "me". Though I so often share the teachings found in "his" podasts and books because they are wonderful, I cite what comes from him and what comes from others. If I am inspired by a podcast or reading in anyway, I always include the linked podcast below even if no citation was needed. 

Truth is, what he shares is something this "me" was already discovering through yoga and the study of other ancient wisdom traditions long before I knew of his existence. When I discovered "untethered soul", however, it was like a wonderful catalyst that took me farther along on my journey. I will always be grateful for that. I love the succint, contemporary, and pratical way he applies yoga to everyday Life.  I like to do the same. 

So, though he is probably the citation and reference you will see the most on these pages; though I feel so connected to the teaching he shares and the way he shares it that I listen every morning; and though I have so many "aha" moments listening...I am not copying him.  It isn't just my self preserving writer's ego saying that either.  

As for original thought

Aha moments are a remembering of what we always knew at the deepest level, not a learning of something new. Singer cued some of that remembering in me. I am so grateful. The wisdom he shares in his teachings, though, are not original...they come from the ancient wisdom of yoga and other traditions, just as mine do. (If I dare call what I share here: "teachings.") The deeper part of me knows that this wisdom he and I coincidentally share are universally a part of who we all are. It is already in each and every one of us. Most of the time it is dormant and asleep. We are not aware of it. That is,  until someone or something comes a long to cue us to "remember".  He helped me to remember so much more than I was remembering prior to reading, "untethered soul". I do appreciate and respect him for doing that.

Still, I am grandiose enough to think I am actually collaborating with him in some bizarre, unseen way.  I believe everyone who experiences an "aha" moment after tapping into this ancient wisdom in whatever form it presents itself begins to collaborate with the universe, in some kooky way, to get it out there. Sounds silly and delusional of this "me", maybe, to say that but that is what I believe.

So, the answer to both the above questions is "No".  No,  I don't think I am copycatting Michael Singer.  And no, I have no original thought...none of us do.

All is well. 

Guilt, Shame, Social Sanctions, and Judgement

 Our thoughts, our words, and deeds are the threads of the world we throw round ourselves, for good or for evil. Once we set in motion a certain power, we have to take the full consequences of it. This is the law of Karma.

Vivekananda

In keeping with the topic of guilt, shame, social sanctions, and judgement I have been a bit absorbed with lately...I read this last evening and felt compelled to share it here.  What this statement is basically saying is:...we do not need to shame, make guilty, or judge the behaviour of another...nor do we need to shame,  judge harshly or make ourselves guilty when we behave in a less than "socially expected" way. Yes, social sanctions are necessary to a great degree (thinking more of the legal and ethical sanctions that keep society's healthy) and yes, we need to take accountability for our actions...but, guilt, shame, and judgement are ego weapons that can do more harm than good.

 Leave it to Karma!  

 If you did not feel guilty you could not attack. It is the judgement of one mind by another as unworthy of love and deserving of punishment. But herein lies the split. For the mind that judges perecives itself as seperate from the mind being judged, believing that by punishing another, it will escape punishment

ACIM Test: Chapter 13: 1: 1-4

All is well.

Core Work

 Neither fear or desire will lead to a deep meaningful life.

Michale A. Singer

Most of us know that to be true in our core. Yet, we spend our lives serving these fears and desires, don't we? We do whatever we can to avoid fear-causing situations and we go on a mission of getting what we want from life.

Why?

Michael. A. Singer, in the below podcast, tells us we do this because we are "weak" inside at the core.  

Through his discussion, I  think of a "weak core" and how the body just falls out of alignment when the core is not strong.  We then need to use other muscle groups to work harder to compensate...and we end up with more pain, discomfort and  'self-inflicted' injury when we operate with a weak core. 

I see it this way: 

The "core" doesn't go away...it is always there and always strong...we just lose our awareness of it, we lose our mind/body connection to it because we are focusing away from it. The core never gets weak. We do, however, when we move away from it and start depending on those "external" and "superficial" muscles to hold us up. Most of us are "out of alignment"...disconnected somehow from our core so we end up living with the avoidance of fear and the seeking of wanted things as our compensentory strengthening. We are therefore seeking something to make us feel safer and more fulfilled. We go on an outward search for things we think will make us feel better (desires) and avoid or push away the things that make us feel worse (fear). We are not tall, strong, and flexible  like we are designed to be when we do this. We cannot move forward in the way we are menat to. We are rigid and at the same time our "life muscles" weak...We are at great risk of falling down and losing our ability to move forward. 

Singer tells us:

There is not a single thing that you will ever desire that will keep you satisfied for long

Fear and desire are very shallow...they are products of the psyche 

Do not motivate your life to the lowest part of your being

The solution to fear is not to satisfy it...

Fear and desire come from the same root.

You can not build your house on a foundation of fear and desire [and expect it to withstand teh forces of Life].

Devote yourself to getting beyond fear and desire. Make it your life work!

Getting beyond fear and shame has been my life work for a very long time. I even wrote a book about that ten years ago. (I am thinking of revamping it and offering access to it here, at some point...it does no good to anyone sitting in obscurity on my hard drive. :)) . Anyway, I have added the "getting beyond desire and attachment" to my life mission in later years once I too realized that nothing "out there" was going to keep this ego satisfied for long. 

So how does one get beyond fear and desire crazy lady?

Simple...you practice doing  core work.  You begin my remembering that you have a core and what that core does...it is the guiding force for posture and movement forward.  You make a committment to the practice required to reconnect to it so you get stronger. Then you become aware of what you are doing now by depending on superficial and external muscles.  You notice the suffering...the unquenched need for stability that using these superficial muscles  provide.  You notice the pain and the ill effects.  You see how "unskillful" it is. Next, you trace this discomfort and unmanaged dissatisfaction back to the root: fear and desire. Without supressing or repressing,  you take your attention off of  serving that and put it on the core. You observe the core. Then you work on getting the felt sensation of that core. You "feel" it. You experience how strong and all powerful it is....You begin to operate from there. Eventually, you realize you are stronger from the core than you could ever be serving fear and desire.

Hmm! 

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Seats of Contemplation ( June, 2025) Motivation-Replacing Fear and Desire with Love. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36v_f4niGjA

Happy Canada Day!!

 There are no limits to the majestic future that lies before the mighty expanse of Canada with its virile, aspiring, cultured and generous-hearted people.

Winston Churchill

I love this country I call my own though I have the internal knowing that all borders that make this country a nation, seperate from other nations, are man made and not really there. We are one world. 

I am, at the same time, proud of how this country has united and stood up for itself against the antics of a "bully" that wanted to take over the playground. 

That being said, I am not so proud of what it has done to the peoples who were here long before the "settlers" colonized. ( Not a fan of colonization!) Pride is redeemed by any attempts, even if they are not sufficient, made by this country at Truth and Reconcilliation. 

I love the diversity that makes this country a cultural mosaic rather than a melting pot. So many languages that tickle my ears.

I also love the abundant and diverse nature, wildlife, and beauty this country provides. I hope we learn to protect it a little better. 

Yeah....I lift my head up when this human I call "me" tells others, when travelling,  that she is from Canada

Yeah...it is a pretty cool country to be a part of.

All is well

Not Minding What the Body Does

Practice not minding!

Michael Singer

Isn't it cool to see how the word "mind" can be a verb? When personal mind is in the forefront of our experience, determining how we perceive and react to the world...we call that "minding." Our spiritual goal is to recognize when mind is driving and to have the deeper, wiser part of our Selves take over. We need to learn to "not mind" our way through Life events.

I am at the part of my sadhana where I have begun to use some of the more challenging things in Life as a part of my practice. I am practicing with what once brought a great deal of distress and reactivity to me, and I am learning to settle peacefully into these experiences. 

An Example of Not Minding

I woke up with chest pain...second bout in 24 hours. It was so hard to breathe.  So hard to think. So hard to experience anything but the pain. It was all consuming. It was definitely angina.  That meant, I knew, "I am in another cluster of coronary vasospasms". When I recognize it as such, I take the nitro through each attack of spasms ('attack' is a strong word) and it eventually works...maybe not the first shot but by the second or third it will subside. Then I will forget about the pain until the next bout...and there will be a next bout.  I know that.  I accept that.  

I no longer resist and freak out because of that reality.  I have learned to accept that I will have 2-3 days of these episodes...coming and going, ebbing and flowing in intensity. I sit with each bout.  I rest and do my best to breathe and relax through each spasm.  I observe and I experience. I take my nitro when it gets bad or lasts for more than a few moments. I take aspirin if I need to. I prepare myself for what I must do if the third shot of nitro doesn't work. I tell myself, "Yeah...this could be it. This might be how this body ends. Do what you are called to do to stay alive and leave the rest to God."  And I relax into the experience, waiting on what Life will do next. 

Then, just like that the bout will be gone; just like that, the cluster will be done for another couple of months (weeks in the summer). I won't think of it again until I once again feel that squeezing pain in my chest. And I begin the whole process again.

The humid Maritime Summer, I have discovered, is not my friend lol.  Every year, I forget about how summer weather impacts my health as I look forward to the approach of July. When my body starts to respond with this heaviness, this weakness, lethargy, and extra bouts of vasospasms I remember, "Oh yeah...this body doesn't like the humidity."  It is extra humid these days and with the little surgery I had done last week, the sedation, on top of all the 'normal stress' I experience, I am not overly surprised about this bout.

A Time of Reacting and Minding

I did not always react this calmly to this pain experience.  Knowing it was cardiac from the beginning, I "reacted" quite intensely at first running into emergency with tension and fear, asking and demanding that someone see and fix what I had going on.  It never quite worked out that way. I was seen as a young, fit, and active female, not a cardiac potential ...therefore it was decided it must be a "mental health" issue, not a physical one. Man...I was never the posterchild for mental health lol but this, I knew, was physical. Though there were some who also knew and supported me, most of the specialists didn't.  I went years and years and years without a diagnosis, and therefore without the support one with a diagnosis would get. 

I'm fairly smart when it comes to pathophysiology. I knew what I was dealing with from the begining. When my sisters got diagnosed with the same thing much later in life it validated what I was experiencing...at least for me, if no one else. I knew, early on, what it was. I told people what I thought it was. I knew what I had to do. I got the nitro and no matter what anyone else told me to the contrary...I knew.  I handled it. I also knew this "little mitral valve anomly" I had was also causing me issues.  I could literally hear both the click and the regurgitation without a stethoscope. Since the regurgitation was intermittent, not everyone heard it.  Some did...but most didn't. That too got dismissed as not being a potential source of my problem by many specialists. (Other specialists who caught the murmur, informed me I would likely need a valve repair in my sixties.) I also knew I was having arrhythmias...nasty ones. I could see my pulse on my sports watch going from 40 to 200 and back down to 30 for no apparent reason. (I recorded these fluctuations for posterity). I also saw it going up and down like crazy when I was in an atrial fib. That too got denied even when it showed up on cardiac screening. I began to faint. Even when I got rushed into ER by ambulance...I was too often sent home with a shrug of the shoulder and a referral to another specialist.  So, long story short. I didn't get the support I needed at first...medically or financially. 

I truly believed the thing I needed most in the world, back then, was a clear diagnosis. I kept syaing to myself and others, "My life would be better if ...I had a solid diagnosis." I craved one! I did whatever I could to get one! I resisted the way Life was playing out because of this experience of not having one... big time!! I was a closed, resistant, grasping mess for many, many years.

 I have the diagnosis' now...received by a cardiologist after one of many fainting bouts, but I don't need it anymore. I realize I never really needed it.  I am, however, because of it, on a 'miracle' medication that limits both the pulse fluctuatons and the vasospasms (if not totally) and I am so grateful. Throughout this whole experience lasting over 25 years between onset and appropriate treatment, I went from reacting in fear to learning that all I ever needed was already in me. I learned to take care of myself. I learned that reactivity and struggle to get validation and support for what was going on in the body was a struggle doing more harm than good, that it was not going to help get me what I really wanted and needed - peace.  

Once I established how to cope with the pain and keep the body alive for as long as I could, I stopped focusing on what the body was doing and began looking inward at the mind. The fear of a potential outcome to this health situation gently went away.  I began to relax into what was, instead of fearing what could be. I stopped minding when I gave the reins of this life back to Life and said, "Thy will, not my will, be done!"   I began to truly heal. 

I got to the point in this little life where I truly don't mind what is happening in this body.  I am actually kind of grateful for it because it was those symptoms and that challenging experience that took me inward where the only true healing can take place. Each and every bout took me closer to healing.  It allowed old samskaras to rise to the surface for release. 

"Get to the point where [you not only don't mind] but you like when it comes up."

I remember that, as I feel another bout emerging.  I am not sure I will ever "like" this pain experience lol but I do not mind them. I actually appreciate each and every one for the learning and growing potential they offer, for taking me closer to the peace that I truly want and need.

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (June 30, 2025) How to Stop Minding and Start Living. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZXUW2C3ARc

Overrun by Ladybug Bots

 Learn to love a few pests in your garden. They feed the beneficial predators, creating harmony and balance in the food chain.

Anne Gibson, the Micro Gardner

If this what I do here, is a peony rose, it is being eaten by ladybugs....thousands and thousands of ladybugs. They keep multiplying. The blog stats are showing 30,000 users in 29 days . According to Google I had in the one and two digit category for the month lol. I thought,"Well at least a few are reading". Then I noticed today a zero engagement time going down the list. 

I am not sure if these bots are actually eating up this thing I am trying to quietly grow, if they are harming it all, but man...it is so funny to watch how ego actually pops in to get fed by this "lie of abundance" even though it knows it isn't real. This human I call "me" was actually getting fed by the numbers for a while. It is all so silly...so very silly. 

Maybe it is time to private and print what I have written.  I don't know.

All is well

From self-Esteem to Self-Worth

 Transcendence refers to the very highest and most inclusive or holistic levels of human consciousness, behaving and relating, as ends rather than means, to oneself, to significant others, to human beings in general, to other species, to nature, and to the cosmos.

Abraham Maslow

Hmm! Do you see the evolutionary expansion of consciousness in that quote above? Can you see how the focus expands from relating to the needs of a "little me", to others...than to humans at large, from there to all beings, to nature, and finally to the universe as one? That's yoga. Who would have thought Maslow was a yogi?

Most of us wouldn't consider this "transcendence" as part of the pyramid we might have studied or found ourselves scurrying up. Abraham Maslow, a brilliant humanistic psychologist and anthropologist, devised a hierarchy of needs in his early work. Others have taken those ideas and comprised them in a 5 tiered  pyramid. The pyramid, from bottom to top, looks like this: 1. Basic physiological needs( the needs of the body: food, water, rest, etc.); 2. Safety and security needs (shelter, freedom from violence and physical harm); 3. Love and belonging needs (nurturing, fitting in, being a part of the pack, a sense of being loved and cared for); 4. Esteem needs( respect from others based on status, recognition, prestige, fame and attention, leading to confidence ) and 5. Self-actualization needs (the achievement of 'success' in socially ascribed  roles: Getting a partner, having kids, development of certain talents and abilities that set us apart from others, career; and finally, the pursuit and acheivement of socially approved goals). 

Hmm! It is obviously based on the building and protection of the human body and personality. For that reason, I often had a very challenging time with that pyramid, especially after I began to wake up from that way of being I was once overly attached to. I had a particularly hard time with the fourth tier: Esteem. I can relate my idea of the "redeemer ego" to this tier.  Isn't that what we do with self-esteem building? Build Redeemer egos that others will respect and approve of? Isn't it this approval that allows us to move onto the earlier definition of self-actualization? (Notice that self has a lower case 's').

This esteem building and therefore 'self' building is very comparative, depending on where we rank with others on society's scale of judgement. Yet, this is what most of us ascribe to- seeking this 'esteem' so we can move on to self-actualization by being as "good as" or "better than" others.  The top of this pyramid, we tell ourselves, must be the pinnacle of mental and social health and we pursue it. 

This model, obviously feeds and builds an ego...the psyche, the personality and not the soul. The actualization is of the little 'self', the ego

Few people know, however, that Maslow revisited and revised this model in his later years when he himself began to wake up a bit. He self criticized his earlier perspectives and began to see a little deeper beyond the self to the Self, beyond self-esteem to Self-worth. He saw how we could transcend into a non-comparative relationship with all! 

Many of us would fail miserably on Maslow's earlier criteria.  We would have a hard time pulling ourselves up to the proverbial self-actualization peak. In comparison to others, we would fall short.  I know I would!  I certainly didn't get the esteem and respect from others I sought out to get. I certainly didn't meet the social expectations I set myself against! Despite all my effort to gain "outer world" esteem so I could redeem this "little me", even despite the things I did achieve...I found myself, like some cartoon figure, sliding down the side of the pyramid with nails screeching all the way to the bottom....again and again and again.

When I look beyond self esteem to true Self-worth, my new polestar at the top of another pyramid, I slide down a little less. Thanks to Eckhart Tolle, I am reminded of how my so-called failures to maintain Esteem and self-actualization according to the old model are helping me to gain success according to the new model. 

Awaken to your essence identity...the only true success (all those failures you suddenly realize brought you to the point of awakening...It was all good...It all makes sense...obviously you needed it to awaken...that is success...not what the world tells you. ET

There is always so much challenge in this sense of not measuring up to some social standard, isn't there? We fail to realize, however, that challenge can be the stepping stone needed to take us to the only success that truly matters.

True self worth is not comparative at all.  It comes directly from the being that you are...the sacredness of Life itself. 

Eckhart Tolle

All is well

Eckhart Tolle (June, 2025) Being the Space of Awareness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ttj9sKOROeE

Wikepedia (n.d. ) Maslow's heirarchy of needs. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

Have Fun Now!

 "I will be happy when"...and "I would be happy if..."

Sadhvi Bhagawati Saraswati

I listened to Sadhvi Bhagawati Saraswati be interviewed on the Ranveer Show last evening. She shared the two answers she  received after asking several affluent and succssful Americans if they were happy,

That really made me think.  It is so true that the common idea of happiness is based on conditionality, on an, "If things out there are exactly like I imagine them to be, if they match the checklist I made up in my mind about how Life should be then I will be be happy.  If they do not match then that is the reason I am not happy." 

She also shared that her Guru asked her after she shared her childhood trauma and her subsequent suffering with him, "How long are you going to hold onto that? When will you let it go? On your death bed? A week before your die? A month? "

We identify with our past, especially if it was painful and we cling to it as a part of who we are. Her Guru was telling her we do not have to do that...we are not our past. Infact, we are in completely different bodies than we were in when those traumas occurred. (Cells go through a process of dying off called aptosis and then regenerate. Our bodies are completely changing all the time.) We are not our stories, either. She shared that once she let go of her story to the Ganga she had the experience of giving up her identity (her psyche, her little "me" ness.) She was freed. 

I told myself I was going to write about those ideas today after I listened to Michael Singer.  What did I happen to hear from my chosen podacast this morning?

It doesn't stop.  Unless you do something about it you are going to be neurotic for the rest of your life. 

It was kind of serendipitous that I landed on this podcast today when I had all the above thoughts in my head. This is what I picked up from the podcast. Some of it might be paraphrased.

You having fun yet?

The question isn't if you are going to die...you are...the question is...why are you not having fun now...

Your Life is yours...if you are not careful you will miss it...

You have to decide that you are going to enjoy the Life you have. [not change, fix, and make life the way you want]

Wake up in the morning and be happy that you are still alive. 

Start with appreciation...start by appreciating the body...thank it...

I end every yoga class with "Thank your body for doing an amazing job today" 

[So much beauty and magic in this world] yet we  tend toward the negative...[we fail to see the blessings and good things.]

Look at how miraculous it all is...

Life is not difficult...it is a complete gift you have been given and you do not even have to pedal.

Look at how miraculous it is: We can make noises with our vocal chords so that others understand the meaning of those noises...We  have the dexterity and mental coordination to put keys into little shapes to open doors. We can get into vehicles that humans invented and designed with their brilliant minds, and drive around the country...

We get to meet and get to know  a select few of the 8.5 billion ppl out there and form relationships.We should appreciate and be in awe of that, right? Do we spend our time in the joy of just getting to know someone?

No...instead of getting to know these people we judge and compare them againt a checklist of expectations and wants we made up in our minds i.e. "a friend should be like this; a son should be like that; a mother whould be like this; a husband should be like that" etc. We make up a life in our head and we compare reality against that.  Too often reality falls short on our check off lists. 

Work with yourself to raise your Self.

Remember, "joy and love is my repsonsibility."

Play...have fun...raise yourself with your Self.

Be perpetually present.

[Get to the point ]where the only thing you have to do with your life is share it...

Rise above your negativity.

Hmm! All is well.

Beer Biceps ( June, 2025) Standford Scientist Who Gave Up PHd for Indian Spirituality-Sadhvi Bhagwati.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKnCfr5nshM

Michael Singer/Seats of Contemplation (June, 2025) Doing the Inner Work to Raise Yourself and Appreciate Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCPjED6aL9g

Not Attached to Outcome when Growing a Perfect Rose

 "I really wasn't trying to win the stupid prize...I was just trying to grow a perfect rose."

Michael Singer

Those lines came from Michael Singer's podcast today.  He was using an analogy of how a competitive gardner might approach becoming aware of an imperfection on a rose he/she/they were about to show. The imperfection is there...there is nothing one can do about it but accept ...it just is. The growth comes when we approach the next project with this non-attachment to outcome and we simply enjoy the challenge of growing a perfect rose. Then when the time come sto show and we see the imperfection that disqualifies us we can answer in the above way. We stay free from disturbance. Hmm!

I am trying to grow a perfect rose in the form of my writing. I am challenged and I love the challenge.  I come here to share some valuable learning and I do what I can to fertilize it, water it, give it the right amount of sun, and to make sure the ladybugs are gently removed before they do damage. Sure, I show it ( publish it) but I am not waiting for a blue ribbon. It would be really cool if someone read what I wrote  and said, "Yeah! I get it, crazy lady.  I get what you are sharing." But I don't hold my breath waiting for that.  I am too busy writing. :) 

The blogger stats are telling me that I have had 32,000+ readers/hits/ or whatever you call that which gets registered on the stats page this month so far. Google's numbers, though increased and steady, are much, much lower. I am very happy with Google's numbers. I think it is registering actual and consistent readership.  That is what I "hoped" for when I started...to reach at least one person who might benefit from what I have to offer.  Once I started, however, I put away all attachment to outcome and just got lost in the process. I write whether the stats are showing 32,000 readers/month or 32 or even 3.  

Not sure if the 32,000 is a ladybug infestation on my rose garden lol or simply harmless bot clicks. It doesn't matter, I guess. I keep writing and wondering what Life is going to unfold in front of this human writer I call "me" next. 

It is all so good.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( June 26, 2025) Freedom from Preference: The Evolution of Caring. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA2y3L5laqI

At the Dance

You have a choice ...you are living life or you are fighting it.

Michael A. Singer

"Did you have fun down there?"

Imagine returning to where ever it was we were as consciousness before we came to Earth and being asked that by some loving being with a big, excited, and curious tone in their voice. 

If you were to re-enter that place in the next few minutes, would you answer, 

"Yeah! It was a blast. There was so much to experience. I was scared. I was happy. I laughed. I cried. There was so much beauty and there was so much ugliness to explore.  I met some of  the kindest and most compassionate of people and I als dealt with some evil and pretty nasty behaviors from people. I won some games. I lost some things. I experienced pain. I experienced pleasure. Oh man, it was just incredible. I learned so much! "

Or would you answer,

"Fun? You mean I was supposed to enjoy that place? I was so busy just trying to survive, to get things to go my way I didn't have time to notice most if it, let alone enjoy it. I was supposed to have fun? You sure?" 

Yeah.  We are, I am quite sure now, suppose to enjoy this living thing, to see it all, allow it all, embrace it all, enjoy it all, and love it all.  Hmm! How many of us are doing that?

The world is energy. It wants to blow by you.  It wants to embrace you. It wants to come into you and touch you.

It is a very interesting place this world we live in

It is neither right or wrong...it is fascinating...that is what it is...

Most of us, if we are truly honest, are not enjoying this experience of Life. Why? Because instead of just allowing it we got caught up in trying to fix it, control it, create it...just so we do not get disturbed inside by it. We make this amazing all-encompassing experience of Life into some tiny personal idea we think we can control. It is not ours to control.

 You are a guest ..a sojourner...an observer on the planet earth

We need to learn to step back, first of all, from that which we are all tangled up in.  We are tangled up in our judgements and our ideas of how we assume it all should be.  We ceased to be objective observer and became subjective victims to Life when we judge it or desire that it be a certain way. Instead of living Life...we started resisting it and fighting it.

God is manifesting before you ...each moment...What are you doing? Judging, fighting, struggling, fearing? That's absurd. Participate in it.  That is the true life of a yogi.

Become the objective observer again.

Now...Singer often talks about going being this stage. He talks about going from objective observer to joyful participant. He uses the analogy of Life as a dance. In order to participate in this dance...the way we are meant to... we need to go through different growth stages. 

 I imagine a self-proclaimed "social-phob" desensitizing themselves by first seeing how long they can stay at a crowded dance with lots of people, and loud noises etc.  They don't have to do anything...they can just sit there but they have to be in the environment the dance is taking place in.  At first maybe they can only walk into the gym before running away...that's a step.  Then they sit for half an hour in a dark corner...that's a step.  Then they sit for an hour...another progressive step. Next, they sit for the whole dance.  They stay for the whole dance without running away. Now, that's a big step. 

Sure, it might be uncomfortable.  They might jump back when the music or the lighting changes.  They may get all red faced with a thumping heart when someone comes over to talk to them or worse ...they may feel an anxiety attack coming on when the bullies call them a name...but they stay. At first they will be pretty self-focused on their own anxiety and discomfort.  They really won't be doing much observing of the culture around them. Any observations they make will likely be very subjective.  

 Still, they keep coming to the dance and sitting through it, observing their own discomfort and then they begin to observe how they act according to that discomfort.  They see how the internal discomfort is being triggered by something at the dance, and how that leads to a reaction. They might then begin to become aware of and be able to observe the triggers that increase that discomfort. They have less significance because they seem to just be the middle player between their reactions and what is taking place inside them. They begin to look a little more "out there".  Then they look and notice other things that do not trigger them.  They begin to look at the dance experience with more objective eyes. 

Next thing you know, they are bringing notebooks to the dance and are recording what they are observing.  The dance seems to have a bit of a purpose to it now. They even begin to realize that they enjoy observing and recoding.  They observe themselves.  They observe the others and how they seem to be reacting to stimuli. They are noticing patterns that are similar yet different between everyone. They get more and more curious about these patterns. They observe more, record more...This dance though it still might be scary is kind of interesting even. They start to enjoy it even. They look down to realize that they are even tapping along to the music. They are still in the background observing. By no means do they want to be on the dance floor at this point. They are, however, becoming less reactive when things happen, when things don't go their way, when it gets extra uncomfortable.

"Just write in your book...wow! Look what they did next ...write it down in your anthropology book.".

They are not necessarily having fun at this point, but they are getting less disturbed with every dance they observe and semi-participate in. They begin to accept the crowds, the lighting, the music and where they are at in it.  It is all kind of interesting to them now. They do not feel the urge to get up and run out like they used to.  They can sit here for longer and longer periods.

That is until the teacher, Life, tells them they are ready for the next stage.  "It's time to come out of the shadows and onto the dance floor."

The whole desensitization process begins again...step by step, but by bit. 

Spend some time in the Self in this transcendence...then try participating in it...instead of observing...dance with it.

Eventually...

Eventually you can be in life, and not only does it not bother you...you dance with it. 

They slowly go from objective observer to joyful participant in the dance of Life. 

When we learn to simply move with the music, to go where Life takes us without resistance or struggle then we learn what fun is.

Hmm! I want to have some fun in this lifetime.  Don't you?

All is well

Seat of Contemplation ( June, 2025) Michael Singer-Dance with Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1ajKchZml4

Anthropologist?

Anthropology demands an open-mindedness with which one must look and listen, record in astonishment and wonder that which one would not have been able to guess.

Margaret Mead

Isn't that how we should approach Life?

An Anthropologist

I suddenly realize a way to describe to myself and others why I am here doing what I do. Though I am not big on labels, I discovered one that fits this role I have taken on. If "I am" can be at least loosely linked to anything rather than what it is, I am an anthropologist.

An anthropologist, crazy lady??!! 

Yeah! An anthropologist is a person who objectively observes a culture from a detached, non-judgemental, and non-interfering stand-point. They observe, analyze and record how a certain society is behaving and how it works.  That is what I am doing here...I am like an anthropologist plopped down into this jungle of Earth to observe the inhabitants and how they relate to each other and the world at large, how they relate to Life. Of course, I am not completely non-bias in my approach.  The lens through which I view this culture is my own mind. My coming here to write is my recording. The publication of this blog and my videos are simply the sharing of what I discovered. It sounds so much cooler and more scientific when I describe what I do here like that. lol

The thing is, we are all anthropologists on the same mission to some extent.  At least that is the first part of our mission here on Earth: to observe.  Of course, most of us forget the instruction and training we had prior to coming. "Stay objective; do not interfere; simply observe; participate only if you can stay non judgemental. It is not within your professional or ethical mandate to change anything that you are observing.  Simply record it and bring it back".

Wow! Not many of us follow those instructions, do we?  We lose our objectivity and get personally involved. We get way too involved. We judge!! Whenever we judge, whatever we are observing, as "bad, wrong, shouldn't be", whenever these judgements make us feel uncomfortable inside, we decide we need to change the life we are observing, fix it, or control it. We begin to shape the Life of that culture we were simply meant to observe so it suits our own personal needs. 

People don't want to experience life ...they want to create life [control life]

We go from an objective observer who finds it all so interesting and new, to a subjective intruder who constantly personally gets disturbed. We go from being an interested scientist to a "little me"who  judges, likes and dislikes, resists and struggles against this Life they have no business interfering in. Hmm!

I just sat down with a Michael Singer podcast this morning and it blew me away.  I have been listening to Michael Singer for oh so many years now through the Temple of the Universe and though I truly appreciate those teachings or sharings (whatever you call them), to be honest they were seemingly getting a little redundant in the message. Though I still love them, I wasn't getting blown away!! Anyway, I happened across this video from "Contemplative Mind" and I heard the same but different message uttered in a way that resonated. It brought me to tears actually because it reminded me, at a time I was slipping into a state of disenchantment, of why and what I am practicing and hoping to achieve through my practice. 

What am I trying to achieve that was echoed in the message?

This state of equanimity...this state of peace no matter what is happening around me or to me....this relaxing into whatever unfolds in front of me...this allowing of Life to be Life and appreciating and observing  it all in a state of awe without any disturbance, without this sense of " reactive suffering" I have been living with for so long.  

Sure, yoga teaches more than how not to get disturbed by Life...it is a polestar to a higher level of being where one not only allows Life to be Life without getting disturbed by it but also participates in it fully and joyfully. For now, however, I am content with resuming my role as anthropologist who is simply observing this new culture of humanity I am exploring. I am content with disentangling myself from the subjective interference I was partaking in that was leading to so much unnecessary suffering for me and those I am observing. I am content with falling back into my role as objective observer.  I am content with objectively scribbling down my notes in my research book. I am content with not getting disturbed and scared by every rustle of wind, or person who jumps in front of me. I am content with letting go of the worry and fear over what will happen next.  I am content with discovering that I can stay here and observe without wanting to change any of it; without wanting to run away and hide.  I am content with suddenly realizing how interesting it all is from this position of observer.

This is where I am at in my practice. I am returning to one of the missions we were sent here to do. 

A Mission?

That was the first thing we were here to do,  right? To objectively observe this fascinating and interesting world from a place of non-judgemental acceptance of what is? Therefore, the first step we must take to return to our life mission is to step back and away...to become the objective observer again. We need to stop resisting, stop controlling, stop trying to fix that which we have no business judging, let alone changing, and just observe. We need to allow Life to be Life and see how beautiful it is with all its joys and all its sorrows. Sigh! So much suffering would end if we could just do that! 

You are here to observe, experience, see, enjoy, appreciate and be in awe that in the middle of space there is this [the planet Earth]. There is all this going on and you get to experience it. You should be honored that you get to see it. 

Everything that is happening is fascinating. Do not ask, "What can I create?  What can I control? What can I do?"...Ask, "Can I be joyful no matter what is happening around me?" ...

Just another experience that goes on on the planet Earth....

Life is just a series of events that happen to you before you die.

We get to see it!  We get to observe it! Experience it! As an anthropologist we get to do what I am doing...record it for posterity's sake. Man, that alone is enough reason to practice, is it not? Isn't this role as objective observer a better way of being than the role of "judgemental interferer in a culture we do not understand." Who are we kidding? We don't understand Life and what it is doing! We do not understand humanity! Why, then, do we judge it? Why then do we think we need to fix it??? 

Now...Singer often talks about going being this stage. He talks about going from objective observer to joyful participant. I would like some day to put away my binoculars and recording devices and step into the culture I am observing...to become a part of what it is in its natural form. I would like to dance around the fire too...getting lost in the music and the joy of Life doing so creates. i want to someday go beyond observing Life to dancing with it. Sigh! 

Eventually you can be in life, and not only does it not bother you...you dance with it. 

For now, however, I am more than content observing this amazing thing I get to observe and being able to share my research findings with you. It is so cool to get to be able to record with astonishment and wonder that which one would not have been able to guess.

All is well! 

Seats of Contemplation (June, 2025) Michael Singer-Dance with Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1ajKchZml4

Hearing the Voice in the Head

You are not the voice in your head but the one that hears it

Unknown

Sometimes, I just catch myself here doing what I do and a little voice begins to chirp inside my head, "What the heck are you doing, crazy lady? You just keep writing and talking, writing and talking, writing and talking about things you do not completely understand or that you might not even have a "right" to talk about. You are not a Hindu or a Buddhist...yet you are often sharing or quoting teachings and scriptures...who are you to do that? You are not an "iniatiated" yogi and claim that you never want to be...yet how can you talk about the true essence of yoga if you aren't? You say you aren't here as a teacher but you are lecturing to the unseen world as if you were standing in front of a class again. You are not yet awake...far from it...yet you talk about awakening. You just go on and on about this stuff creating some type of "image" for yourself even though you keep saying it isn't about image. You talk about the con and the cult leader who draw people into these teachings for their own selfish egoic reasons? Are you absolutely sure you are free of ego on this platform doing whatever this crazy nonsense is you are doing?  

And all I can say to that voice in my head is, "I really don't know why I am here and I truly, truly hope it has nothing to do with my ego!"  Then I bow my head in embarrassment and shame and I keep going.  I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind. 

Sometimes, it all seems so crazy!! That inner critic keeps going. 

"You are doing this 'sharing' on a public platform!  Even though you say you do not publicize what you do here or on youtube...you do click the "public" and the "publish"option. Even though the audience is not visibly right in front of you, you know that means you are exposing yourself to random people. Even people you know from work and social circles could see you and hear you speak about these things that are not universally accepted, right? They could think you are pretty strange and even dangerous possibly. That judgement could lead to problems in your personal and semi-professional life. You know that right?" 

I answer again, "I know, I know...I try not to think about it and to see myself standing in the shadows of obscurity when I do this...but I know I am exposing this person I call "me" to public scrunity. I am not sure this "me" is ready for that scrunity. I hesitate everytime the mouse hovers over the  "Publish" and "Public" options but I still click.  I don't know why but I do....but I do" Then, I bow my head in embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I keep sharingwhat I am learning from observing my own mind. 

The voice in my head is relentless. 

"Like really...who wants to hear about this stuff from a "crazy old lady" anyway? Who are you to share this stuff? You'll never be a social influencer. Besides, do you think you actually have the answers to Life's most pressing problems? Come on...look at your own life.  It is a mess. Yet, you think you can help people get their lives in order?" 

I answer with a little more strength, "I am not trying to be a social influencer. I am not trying to help other people get their lives in order. I am simply sharing so I can make sense of the mess in my own life/mind and I share what I am learning in hope that what I learn might help another." Then I bow my head with a little less embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind.

 "So you are just using this platform as a therapy session?  You are "airing your dirty laundry",  boring hundreds of readers and listeners with your petty little problems just because it makes you feel better to vent and get attention for your problematic life? Maybe you are trying to create some story of yourself as a tragic heroine? "

I answer again, this time with less assertiveness, " My deeper intention for sharing is that I am seeing that all so called problems are "universal" more so than personal and that therefore so is the solution. I think it may be beneficial for others to recognize that in the so called problems of another's life.  But yes, I vent here and sometimes ego gets something from my venting about my  little 'personal problems'. I wish it didn't but it does. I do want ego to be diminished and out of this sharing experience but it is obviously still hanging around." Then, I bow my head with embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I share what I am learning from observing my own mind.  

This inner voice will not shut up !!

"So you think you have the "better way of being"? People much smarter than you have been exploring that idea for centuries and centuries and you think you have the answer? You think your way is the best way?"

 "I am not saying that "my" way is the better way. Not saying that I..as a personality and personal mind...know much about anything.  If you were to listen or read what I have written you would know that. When I say I am learning a better way of being...it is for this human I call me.  I share because if it helps this "me" to crumble away a bit...maybe it will help other egos to get out of the way of the "better being".  And then again...maybe it won't. I don't know. I am just learning. I have also studied long and hard so many teachings that date right back to the first writings...I am not proposing those are "my" teachings. I am simply sharing what I am learning from them. " Then, I bow my head with much less embarrassment and shame and I keep going. I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind.

Trying to get the last word in that persistent voice goes on"Ahh...I have more to say..."

I...that which is hearing it all go down, interupts  with "Okay, do what you do but I think I am done listening." Then I bow my head with some degree of remaining embarrassment and shame and I keep going.  I keep sharing what I am learning from observing my own mind. 

Hmm! Not sure where that came from lol.

All is well! 

Simply Attempting to Share Thinking about a Better Way of Being

It is the clash of thought, the differentiation of thought, that awakes thought.

Vivekananda 

I am by no means a spiritual teacher. I see myself as a "thinker" who simply  shares her thinking. To confuse us all, that "thinking" is often about the need to get beyond the "thinker".  Some would call this sharing of thought-teaching. 

If I 'teach' anything here it is not a philosophy or a religious or spiritual practice...I am not purposefully  teaching 'esoterism'.  I am not intending to teach about "transcendence" or "tramsmutation of energy". I am not intending to teach about consciousness, presence, spirit, or even "God". I do not have the knowledge or expertise to do that.

 My conscious purpose is not even to 'teach' about mindfulness and meditation or  about yoga, though I have pieces of paper to say I can teach about these things to some degree and I refer to both practices often. I am not teaching. I am simply thinking out loud through my learning. All I am trying to learn and then share is the most practical thing there is...a better and healthier way of being. Sigh!

Enlightenment or awakening, I strongly believe,  really isn't "complicated woo-woo" meant only for the 'spiritual seeker', no matter how it sounds.   It is the most simple and practical thing there is...meant for all of us. If we strip all the conceptualization or preconceived notions about "awakening" away we can see it in its simple, unpretentious form.

 All of us come from both an individual and also a collective background.  We all have a unique way of thinking and understanding because of this. 

...we are all looking at truth from different standpoints, which vary according to our birth, education, surroundings, and so on. We are viewing truth, getting as much of it as these circumstances will permit, colouring the truth with our own heart, understanding it with our own intellect, and grasping it with our mind. We can only know as much of truth as is relate dto us, as much of it as we are able to receive. This makes teh difference between man and man, and occassions sometimes even contradictory ideas; yet we all belong to the same great universal truth.

This thinking and attempting to understand truth, to me, is spirituality. (If I had to define spirituality). It isn't woo-woo. I see more psychology, philosophy, science, and practical wisdom in what I am learning, practicing, and sharing than I do anything "woo-woo".  Through my speaking and writing (that I do not refer to as 'teaching')...I am simply sharing how I, and at the same time gently encouraging you, to examine the  mind to learn what works in making humans feel unconditionally peaceful no matter what is happening to them and around them. I am sharing what I have discovered doesn't work.  That's it! If that is "woo-woo" to the majority, I guess I am "woo-woo". 

I am not a teacher! I am definitely not a spiritual leader or guru. I am not trying to "lure" you in.  I am not trying to convince you to believe what I am sharing. There is little to no ego motivation on my part for being here. (At least, I am hoping there isn't. I truly see now that the route to truth exists without the ego.). I don't think my way ( if I dare  attach a 'my' to it) is the only way to truth. I know that:

...any attempt to bring all humanity to one method of thinking in spiritual things has been a failure and always will be a failure.

If anything, I want you to strongly question everything I have to say and discover for yourself what I am discovering. I am not asking you to come into my laboratory (of 'soul research' as Yoganada referred to it) to trust the validity of my experiment findings...I am asking you to go into your own and experiment for yourself.

Anyway. after watching yet another cult show I felt the need to write that lol. (What is up with this fascination I have with cults? Cra-cra! lol) I fear that any sharing of my learning I do may be misconstrued as having an ulterior purpose.

Please know that I am not saying that I have discovered "the" way, only that I am discovering "a" way. I share it because I naturally feel compelled to. But what do I know??

All is well. 

Vivekananda (2.6.5 The Way to the Realization of a Universal Religion/ Practical Vedanta and other Lectures/ Complete Works/Kindle)

From Individual Embarrassment to Collective Shame

 

We are often afraid of looking at our shadow because we want to avoid the shame or embarrassment that comes along with admitting mistakes.

Marianne Williamson

Big, long ramble yesterday...big, long 'contemplation'  because I was trying to make sense of what I was thinking and feeling.  I was trying to distract from the feeling of it through thinking. Simply put...I was super embarrassed over the possibilities of what I said and did under sedation (I have this strong gut feeling that I got 'weird' lol and as I have expressed before 'weird' is a trigger for me. I also fear I might have offended others)...but I couldn't leave it at simple. My mind needed to "explain" it...analyze it...look deeply into it...rationalize it all in an attempt to minimize the 'feeling' of it. 

Embarrassment is an uncomfortable experience. As social animals needing to belong to a pack for safety and security reasons, as well as having a need for love and belonging, (Maslow), we often fear, not being accepted by the pack or outright 'rejected' by doing something that goes against the norm. It surprises me after all my practice that this fear is still so prevalent in this human I call me. 

Though I feel myself less and less concerned about maintaining the good opinion of others, I still fear coming off as "weird". The conditioning is still there. For that reason, I don't like not being in control of my faculties and behaviours in front of others. The fact that I am worried must mean I have spent way too much time and energy trying to hold an image or persona together and have things inside I may have even hidden from myself that I fear will come out. Many of us want to maintain that control don't we, to keep our personas intact for protective purposes. This requires a great deal of focus and effort. One of the reasons, I suppose, why we get so egoic and self-focused at the expense of everything else around us.

Sometimes we can put things into perspective by widening our lens and expanding our view-point. 

Here, I was focusing so narrowly on my embarrassment, writing big, long spiels to rationalize and minimize the discomfort for this "little me", when bombs were being sent back and forth between Israel and Iran. Whatever I might have said or done in those few moments I wasn't in control of my person (less than a blink of an eye in eternity) is nothing (just hope I never hurt or offended anyone else) compared to the actions the USA/Israel took, in another blink of an eye. The consequences of those actions will go well beyond " potential social rejection" and a bit of embarrassment, won't they? 

So, we see the consequences of a little ego in this human I call me- a few days of obsessive worry and embarassment as it tries to explain itself. And we await the consequences of a collective ego that spent centuries trying to maintain an image of itself as being powerful and in control. What will those consequences be?- a few months to years of war? Is that collective ego obsessing and worried about what they might have done as they rationalize and explain? Are they embarrassed too? Or are they utterly ashamed for their "social deviance" and the way they have hurt the global social pack?

I must remember not to "judge" ...I must remember it is all just human behaviour playing out on some stage. I have to look past it all to God.

If one millionth part of the men and women who live in this world simply sit down and for a minute say, "You are all God, O ye men and O ye animals and living beings, you are all manifestations of the one living Deity!" the whole world will be changed in half an hour. Vivekananda

 Hmm! How I ramble?

All is well. 

Beyond the Judgement of "Weird" and "Social Deviant"

 Seeking the face of God in everything, in everyone, all the time, and His hand in every happening; This is what it means to be contemplative in the heart of the world. 

Mothere Teresa

So, let's clarify: that means to be truly contemplative we seek God in everyone, everything and every happening. Even in those individuals and those actions that are considered socially deviant? 

Social Deviant? What does that mean?

According to the AI overview on Google:

Social deviance refers to behaviour that violates social norms which can range from minor violations of informal rules to serious crimes. It's not just about being different; its about actions that illicit negative social reactions and potentially challenge the established norms of society. Deviance is often relative and can change over time and across different cultures. 

I have been thinking a lot about social deviance lately...about those actions that illicit negative social reactions. I find myself in situations where I might be eliciting negative social reactions. Sometimes, I wonder if I am given socially embarassing or shaming challenges (or manifesting such challenges from my own fear) for a higher purpose. Am I supposed to experience the not so pleasant condemnation from society that most of us, including "me", would curl away from for a reason I do not yet understand? Am I slipping into the role of "judged" so I can see the unskillful and unwholesome nature of my role as "judge"?  

I may be  hearing, watching documentaries on, or thinking about the consequences of socially deviant behaviours ...judging others for such behaviours...seeing the social sanctions dumped on these individuals (criticism, ostracization, condemnation, ridicule, public humiliation, legal repercussions etc.) and finding myself acting as judge and jury by telling myself the consequences received for such actions are so deserving. Am I meant to learn something from my own judgement tendencies? That could be the case. Maybe I am meant to put aside my judgements, my dualistic tendency to distinguish 'judge' from 'judged', 'right' from 'wrong', and to see God beneath it all?  

There is a thin line, if a line at all, between judged and judge, isn't there?

As soon as I catch myself judging and condemning another...I immediately find myself becoming so fearful that somehow, I might get mistakenly categorized into that mix of those I am judging...that I too may be judged in a similar way for whatever reason, that I too may be punished for my social sins.  The behaviours and judgements under the label of "social deviant" range from partaking in abnormal quirks that might receive a "weird" comment (that I likely commit from time to time) to the most outlandish of things I know I would never partake in. Yet, I find myself questioning with every judgement I make on another..."What if they think I would do such a thing and judge me as a "weird" or "awful" person too?" 

Such judgement, such fear, all built around the dualistic model of what is right and what is wrong in our society.  I have been conditioned from my past experiences to be shame-based and have thus found myself on a life-long search for redemption. "I must stay on the "right" side of society's moral line...and I cannot, by any means, inch my toes over onto the "wrong" side. I must be seen by others as belonging on this "right" side because I couldn't handle the negataive social reactions (judgement and punishment that is the consequence) for slipping onto the other side: more shame.  I must be (or appear to be) good." "Good", of course, is non deviant. I must be "normal". I must please others.

Like many, I try to create and maintain a non deviant social persona for the purposes of , not only safety, but for love and belonging. I try to control my actions, my speech, and my thoughts to match society's moral expectations.

Though social and legal sanctions on our behaviour are so important in ensuring order and the well being of the vulnerable members of our society...though some behaviours have to understandably be  sanctioned with strong legal consequences: abuse, violence, any type of threat to a minor...the social judgement received, for these offenses, can be even harsher than that received by a court of law. There are also other behaviours that are shamed and judged harshly socially even if they are not judged in a court.  I think we fear the social judgement more so than we fear the legal. We fear being or appearing socially deviant. We fear being or appearing "weird". We do what we can to avoid such a label.

The effort, self control and energy required to avoid these judgements and "appear" a certain way can be crazy making. Our fear of disapproval can lead to a tendency to create false personas, to hide a need for healing, to keep secrets, and to pretend. This behaviour control is not necessarily natural to the higher parts of us.  This persona creation is not necessarily real, authentic, and attainable.  This need to please society is not necessarily healthy. And the fear of displeasing others or failing to meet society's expectations of us can be self destructive. (Thinking of the person who starves themself to meet some social standard for how they assume they should look or be, or the person who denies their own physical and emotional needs to "please" others or most sadly, the person suffering with mental illness who refuses to seek help because of the stigma of being "abnormal" and succumbs to their illness.) 

We fear the judgement of others more so than we fear the repercussions of the law or the loss of our own well being. Though legal sanctions keep society in line, that fear of "other" judgement can do more harm than good. Social judgement can do more harm than good. Social shaming can be heart and mind destroying. It and the socially imposed label "deviant" may be counter productive to the creation and maintenance of a healthy society.  I believe without that shame, without that judgement-fear, the majority would still do what was right, and good, but with that shame, with that judgement and the fear of that judgement society gets a bit warped, creating more social deviance. 

What has this got to do with you, crazy lady?

As soon as I judge someone as being "weird" or "socially deviant", especially when I erroneously believe they deserve my condemnation, and judgement and ostracization from society....I am whopped with a dose of intense fear that comes from this realization that that could be me standing there receiving the judgement from society.  

"All but for the Grace of God go I". 

I, too, say and do "weird" things all the time. I know I would not partake in many of the more outlandish and terrible behaviours or crimes that receive harsher judgement ...I could never purposefully hurt another, ...yet, I fear that I could still unintentionally hurt or offend someone, or that others will incorrectly assume I am capable of committing such offenses against society. I fear the judgement so much so that I work extra hard not to receive it. I need to maintain control not to challenge the established norms.

Anyway, that requires a constant and exhausting "control" over mental faculties and behaviours.  What happens, however, when we no longer have that control...when it is taken from us by a substance? Many people wake up after an alcohol binge wondering what they might have said or did, worrying about this social judgement they may be worthy of receiving. Alcohol lowers their inhibitions, and they say and do things they normally wouldn't do. They feel intense shame and remorse over the possibility of what they may have said or did, even before they remember. I don't drink more than two glasses of wine at a time, partially for that reason. I fear publicly doing something that would label me as "weird" or a "social deviant". I fear that shame experience.

Well, I had IV sedation during my oral surgery and now I find myself in the shame-experience, "worrying" about what I said or did. Though, I do not remember anything, I am so convinced I did or said something that was totally inappropriate, "weird" or "socially deviant" and that I am being judged by others. I went into the experience with an idea of what would be the most embarrassing and shameful thing I could do and this fear that I might do it. I feared that I would step over the moral line onto the "weird" and "social deviant" side.  Now, I am convinced I did.   Man, I have stuffed and stored so much stuff within me over the last few years that I have been dealing with, so many "secrets" in the form of samskaras I have yet to deal with, I fear that on top of my inappropriate and bizarre behaviour I let them all out in one slurry ramble. I don't remember what happened but somehow, I know the "weird" came out...and I am trying to deal with the shame and the embarrassment. 

I catch myself wondering constantly what "social sins" I have committed in those moments I wasn't in control. I wonder obsessively what social reaction and judgement I am receiving. The focus is intense so I know there is so much learning in it. 

 I am now questioning if this happened to show me the errors of my ways when it comes to judging others. It took me from the position of 'judge' and put me in the position of the judged. Judged or judge ...doesn't matter.  When we think in terms of non duality there is no distinction. In fact, there is neither judge or judged.

I have no idea what I did or didn't do in those 30-45 minutes I was not in control but regardless I am reminded of the "fear" and the "shame" that comes with judgement. Part of my learning, possibly, is to sit with this fairly common human experience of shame and fear...to accept it, look deeply into it, be with it and let it and all the samskaras it is tied to go, once and for all. It is a part of the human experience. Somehow, we need to learn to see shame and fear, and the behaviour that induced it, as something we observe, not what we or others are. Through this, I was somehow encouraged to view all behaviour...no matter how strange or how gruesome ...as just that... human behaviour.  It isn't who we are.  

This can remind us all to look beyond behaviour to the God that is in all of us, including the "weird" and the "social deviant."

I wish that everyone of us had come to such a state that even in the viliest of human beings we could see the Real Self within, and instead of condemning them say, "Rise thou effulgent one, rise thou who are always pure, rise thou birthless and deathless, rise almighty, and manifest thy true nature. These little manifestations do not befit thee."

Imagine if we could look at "the viliest" actions and see them as simply something that didn't suit the being within the human who was committing them? Or as the Buddhists say...as simply being 'unskillful'. 

This is the one prayer, to remember our true nature, the God who is always within us, thinking of it always as infinite, almighty, ever good, ever-beneficient, selfless, bereft of all limitations.

If we have this prayer for those condemned for the most intense forms of "social deviance" surely we can we recall it and aim it our selves too. We can use that prayer to help us remember who we are beneath our imperfections, when we do the little "weird" and "embarrassing" things humans tend to do.

All is well. 

Vivekananda (n.d. but from speech delivered in 1896) 2.6.4. Practical Vedanta: Part 4/ Complete Works/ Kindle