Writer's block?

 

You can't think yourself out of a writing block; you have to write yourself out of a thinking block.

John Rogers

One of the most frustrating things one can experience as a writer is "writer's block". It is almost soul crushing to hit that moment when the something you were once working on with great passion, (shouldn't say "working" because the writing didn't feel like work, it felt like it was flowing right out of you) hits a road block in your mind smack on. You find yourself  dealing with, not just a fender bender, but what feels like it might be a total write off.(Excuse the pun). Suddenly, the passion is, the excitement has turned into, "I am not sure I want to do this anymore".  You avoid going to the page when before it was something you looked forward to sitting down in front of. What you once thought of as "Great! I can't wait for others to read this! " becomes "Blah! I can't put this out there! I want to scrap it all and start over".

And sometimes, that is exactly what you do...like I have done with this book I have pretty much finished writing ten years ago. "Beyond Fear and Shame, There is Love." It was a book about healing from trauma with ancient wisdom and it was so important to me to fnish it and get it out there.  It was helping me to heal. I had a vision...but it never felt right.  Probably because I was far from "healed". 

So, recently I changed it around. I decided to  narrow it down to focus on "samskara release" and the removal of this "me" identity in the way of true healing, the knowing of who we really are.  I renamed the book, "Beyond the Brokenness of "Me", There is Love". I attacked it this summer and it felt amazing...the writing seemed to be flowing.  I was taking bits and pieces from the original manuscript but stream lining it and narrowing it down.  I made it much less psychology based and clinical. I liked it.  I was excited by the writing. It felt like I had an objective  purpose to my day, something even society may approve of.  I was a writer, writing about something important. I looked forward to going to the book everyday.

That is until another crisis slapped this human across the face.  I found myself homeless, outside a 12 year relationship, and as broke as Sh*&! I stopped writing. Writing this book fell well below on my priority list, replaced with "trying to survive!" I no longer had a productive purpose that society would approve of...I became "just another homeless person wasting time." Things got dark.

Thanks to my practice, the same practice I write about in the book, I was able to pull myself up.  Just recently I went back to the book ready to begin where I left off.  I had hope that the writing would see me through this crisis. I began the writing activity as I always do...by reading what I have written so far. It was one big "Blah! I can't show this to anyone! Why did I ever think this was good?" 

Blocked. Why and what do I do about it?

My psychology oriented mind is telling me that the left brain is over active because it is still whirling from the sudden changes and is trying to keep me alive, that it is shutting down the right brain which has the reins while I am writing to conserve functioning energy. Still, I tell myself ...if I had the writing to focus on, I would cope so much better with this situation.  It would give this human hope, light, a way out. 

Then, I remember what I am writing about in the book and I realize I have hit some other samskaras that were hidden within me.  That is what a writer's block is...hitting a samskara. Here I am writing about healing through purification while I am so far from being purified.  Life is still teaching me through this new challenge why I should release samskaras and how to do it.  It is taking me to a deeper layer of understanding I never had before.  This learning is to be added to the book. I am advancing to another grade.  The stuff I wrote before was elementary stuff and I am now in middle school. I need to refocus my learning, my thinking, as well as my writing.

Maybe that is what is going on.  Who knows? lol I will keep going back to the writing and rewriting until I am through this hump, which will also mean that I have  learned even more about samskara release, that I have healed at an even deeper level, and I have successfully passed another grade. I will have more to give then.

All is well. 

Being Comfortable No Matter What

 Use your life to become  comfortable with being in an unfamiliar place.  Use your life to become comfortable with uncertainty, with insecurity, with groundlessness and all the other synonyms we can come up with.

Pema Chodron

I opened up to this quote today and it was so, so timely. I am in an ongoing practice as I write this of becoming comortable in the unfamiliar, with uncertainty, with insecurity, with groundlessness, and with plenty of other states related to tis experience. It is a life practice, I am embracing.

All is well

Making the Most of The Precious Morning?

 It's not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste alot of it.

Seneca

I have been watching myself, as this human with a lot of remaining ego still attached, proceed through morning rituals.  I find myself asking, "Why am I doing what I am doing? Is this the best use of time and who is it serving?  What changes could be made to honor the morning and the Higher Part of Self?"

What am I doing and why?

Well I wake up and do a brief meditation and a bit of kriya. I say hello to whatever beings are in my vicinity...whether they be  human or animal.  There are pets around in every place I find myself.and I appreciate the presence of all.  Animals seem to recognize that in me, and settle around this human as you will see by many of my videos. I get a coffee and come here.  

This is where the questions arise: I automatically find myself going through what was already written and read on my stats page, or viewing videos I put up that were recently watched.  It is very much a mind numbing thing I do, feeding this part of me that wants to be soothed and distracted.  It is also, in many ways, an ego-doing.  Ego automatically checks for signs it is being validated as special, or at least not rejected. (Crazy...that samskara is definitely loosening its hold on me but it is still there.) Regardless of why, I will spend hours just reading what was written or watching what was viewed...constructively analyzing it from the perspective of reader/viewer.  

Best use of time?

When I do this, I am not writing or creating new stuff.  I am not honoring that compulsion I have to do so.  I am basically numbing and distracting like a person would do when they sit down with their coffee to read or watch the news. The morning flashes by, and I may not have one word written. If I could spend just an hour doing this...that would be fine...but hours seem to pass. I have this notion that most of the morning should be spent creating new stuff and getting it out there...not numbing with the old stuff.  It is becoming a habit I am questioning. 

At the same time, I realize I may be the reader all this was intended for?  Maybe I feel compelled to write what I write so this human, more than anyone else, learns from the secrets the Higher Self is sharing. It is a time of learning for me.  I get what is being shared in ways I maybe never got it when I first put it down. Weird? 

So, who is ithis morning habit serving- higher Self or lower self?

I don't know.  I really don't. Both maybe.

But I don't like when my morning slips by and I have yet to accomplish anything like a word count or a video.  Is that the  ego who needs to check things off a to-do list needing that, or higher Self? I don't know.  I will need to think about that. 

What changes could be made?

Maybe I could try limiting the review to one hour and the writing of a blog entry to the same...2 hours on the blog.  And then maybe I could add 2 videos...an answer to a question and either a Desk Break Yoga Practice or a Meditation. Hmm?

Then, maybe I could add a morning walk through the woods or something that takes me away from this habitual tendency...just to test it out.  Maybe the walk should come first...before coffee...before settling here. Hmm!

Something worth trying.

All is well

More on Being Penniless

 More on being without a lot of worldly possessions from two masters: 

From Loa Tzu:  

He who knows contentment is rich

Manifest plainness, embrace simplicity, reduce selfishness, have few desires.

Not valuing wealth prevents theft

Free from desire you see the mystery. Full of desire you see the manifestations. 

From the Buddha: 

Those who do not know peace even when living in a heavenly palace, are still not satisfied. Those who do not know satisfaction, even when rich, are poor. People who know satisfaction, even when poor, are rich. 

If you are poor live wisely.  If you are rich live wisely. It is not your station in life but your heart that brings  blessings.

In other words, it doesn't matter if you are rich or poor...live wisely and find the wealth already within you!

All is well! 

Penniless? Looking at Aparigraha and Akincana

 Possession is outside. Attachment is inside. Use what life gives you but do not let it define you. 

Having lots of money while not having inner peace is like dying of thirst while bathing in a lake. 

Yogananda

Hmm! I suppose I am experiencing a forced type of Aparigraha. Aparigraha is a Sanskrit word meaning non-possessiveness. It is also the fifth Yama or ethical principle found in the first limb of Patanjali's Raja yoga path. Life really seems to be helping me to travel along this path lately. I am finding this non-attachment getting easier to master.  It is hard to be attached to that which you do not have :). I am no longer bathing in a lake (if I ever was lol)...more like dipping my toes in a puddle, but I am not that thirsty anymore.  There is a peace in this that is quenching my thirst from the inside. I am being given what is truly needed.

"I do not own much physical possessions, so physical possessions own me less and less.  I am becoming free." 

I remind myself of this often and it brings that peace that quenches thirst.

Now, I didn't actively renounce anything.  I do not believe that giving up what we own is a necessary part of the waking-up process. Life removed a great deal from this human, maybe, because I was too attached? When I asked for an acceleration of this process, it obliged. 

This word, aparigraha, when properly translated...is more about non-attachment than it is non-possession. It is not about what we own or "give up" on the outside...it is about not being attached to it. If Life gives us lots in the form of abundance or ease...great...use it without fear of losing it...and use it for so-called "good". If it gives us less...use that too without fear of losing it, without a constant craving for more.  (I may, in all honestly, still have some work to do in the "craving for more" department lol).

There is another Sanskrit word here that may apply to this situation, "Akincana". Akincana means without material possessions or desires for it. Hmm! (I still, as a human with remaining ego attached, have some desire for this situation to improve in the material department...but I am beginning to trust more and more that Life knows what it is doing.  More and more, I am allowing it to guide me towards what is needed for my growing into the experience of unconditional peace.)  

Now the term, "Akincana" has a cool story to it. It originated in the Srimad Bhagavatam (scriptures of the Supreme One). In this scripture Queen Kunti calls Lord Krishna,"Akincana-gocara", in her prayers - meaning that the divine is easily approached and realized by those who are "materially exhausted" and without worldly pride. 

There are also a few stories to share related to these concepts. (Don't worry, these ones are not about this human I call "me" :))

The first story is a western one, whose origins probably date back to Greece, 2500 years ago. It is said to have come about from an exchange between a wealthy, court-catering philosopher by the name of  Aristipuss and a penniless monk who lived in a barrel and owned only a cup, by the name of Diogenes the cynic.

The Wealthy Minister and the Penniless Monk

Two young friends grew up together in moderate circumstances, enjoying Life and each other.  Eventually the time came for them to take different paths.  One friend chose "materiality" as his master. He became educated and affluent, eventually becoming one of the king's most trusted ministers, serving him night and day, always at the king's beck and call. For his service, he lived in notoriety, wealth, and luxury. The other chose a "spiritual path"  of renunciation. He lived in extreme poverty and squalor, barely getting a meal a day.

 One day the king's minister was happening along a back road on one of his many errands for the king, when he spotted his friend in rags sitting on the side of the road eating a meager portion of rice and beans from his small alms bowl.  The monk had just made the long trek from the village for his morning begging and was too exhausted to make it back to the monastery. So, he sat where he was eating the bit of food he was given. 

"My friend, it pains me to see you living like this." the minister, in his finest silks, said as he jumped off his horse to go to his friend's side. "Why don't you come back to the castle with me?" he asked as he squatted by the monk putting a gloved hand on his friend's thin shoulder. "If you learn to cater to the king, as I have done, you will no longer have to live on rice and beans."  

The tiny monk, looked up at his friend and with love in his clear seeing eyes said in return, "If you learn to live on rice and beans, as I have done, you will no longer have to cater to the king." 

Yogananda's Experience with Akicana " Two Penniless Boys in Brindiban"

In Autobiography of a Yogi, Yogananda shares the story of how he and a friend were challenged by Yogananda's brother to board a train penniless.  They were not to ask for food or beg.  They were not to tell anyone they were penniless (so they didn't evoke pity). And at the same time, they were not to miss one meal and were to return home by midnight. 

Trusting in the goodness of  "The Invisible Hand", Yogananda accepted the challenge and he and his friend boarded the train to the holy city of Brindiban. Without begging or disclosing their pennilessness, they were offered a grand feast from one of the passengers, and return tickets from another.

Yogananda's faith fed him and his friend and provided a way home. He showed his brother that he didn't need money or possessions- "bread" -to make his way. He needed faith in God or "The Invisible Hand".

This reminds me of the words Jesus spoke when he was quoting Deuteronomy in Matthew 4:4

Man does not live on bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of  God.

Vivekananda and the Cobbler

Choosing a life as a wandering monk, Vivekananda gave up his middle-upper class status as a son of a renown lawyer to pursue his spiritual calling as a Brahmin monk. As a monk, he lived only on the kind and cold offerings of others. He often found himself starving and desperate but was determined to offer spiritual guidance to those who came to him. One day he found himself especially hungry and exhausted after three continuous days of serving the public in this way.  Many rich merchants were amongst the people whose questions he relentlessly answered. Not one of those well-to-do people during those three days, however, offered to feed him.

An old cobbler of the lowest caste, saw the Brahmin monk in his exhaustion and hunger and felt great compassion.  He, however, was afraid to approach the monk because he was an "untouchable" and it was the law that he never address a Brahmin. The punishment for breaking such a law was severe. Still, his compassion overtook him and he offered to get fresh ingredients to make fresh bread for Vivekananda.  Because he had vowed never to touch fire, the monk refused the kind offer but suggested he would take what was already made.  Thrilled that the Brahmin would accept his lowly gifts, the cobbler ran home and returned with freshly baked bread which Vivekananda accepted with the greatest humility and appreciation.

He wrote:

I doubted, just then if it would be even more palatable, even if Indra himself, king of the devas, held out a cup of nectar in a golden basin before me. I shared tears of gratitude and thought, thousands of such large-hearted men live in lowly huts, and we despise them as untouchables. 

The moral here goes beyond  the value of giving away what we own but these stories  can bring us back to the truth that material possessiveness should not be the aim of this Life...detachment from our need for it can take us to the higher goals of compassion and a realization of our Oneness or inter-beingness. 

We don't need to necessarily renounce anything but our "attachment" and recognize that sometimes an absence of material possession or a giving away of at least some of it to those in need...can free us in ways we never thought possible.

Non-attachment (vairagya) is the constant mastery of freedom from craving felt by one who has ceased to thirst for seen or unseen worldly pleasures. Yoga Sutras 1.15

Wow! How I rambled today. :) Maybe next time I will share Zen and Taoist stories about the virtues of pennilessness

All is well.

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali

Autobiography of a Yogi

The Complete Workd of Vivekananda

Srimab Bhagavatam

The Painting in Front of Us

 That is the secret: To think that I am the spirit and not the body, and that the whole universe with all its relations, with all its good and all its evil, is but a series of paintings-scenes on canvases- of which I am a witness.

Vivekanda

We are all just witnessing a beautiful masterpiece being painted on the canvas in front of us. Why can we not just stand back to watch what is being created instead of trying to control how the Artist holds the brush or decides what colors should be used?

Life knows what it is doing. We must learn to let it be.

All is well. 

Dealing With the Two Sided Samskara: Need for Specialness/ Fear of Rejection

 You were at peace until you asked for special favor. 

ACIM 10:2

I realize there are two sides to this specialness we seek. On the first side we have the need to be viewed and validated as special and on the otherside we have this fear of rejection. Regardless, of what side of that samskara tends to get activated the most in us, the goal is to release all samskaras so there is nothing to get triggered. If there is nothing to trigger, there is no reactivity. If there is no reactivity, we learn to respond to all of Life's offerings with peaceful acceptance, love, and awe. 

The Samskara Related to Specialness

The Samskara Related to the Fear of Rejection

All is well!

Getting Beyond the Need for Specialness

The price of specialness is always your peace.

ACIM T-24.II.13-3

Do you have a craving still lurking within you for "specialness"?

Do you need to be told you are special, or to have the validation that others believe you are special by their shows of concern, or their actions that make you feel they see you as such? 

If so, you are not alone.  I am noticing that tendency within myself...that "expectation" I have of so- called 'special others', who make up my circle of family and friends. And when I don't hear, see, or experience the signs I expect to see that will prove to me I am viewed as special in these relationships, I find myself reacting. I find myself pulling back, feeling sorry for myself, resenting and closing.

I have been noticing that tendency within myself lately, an observation brought about by witnessing how I react to how others react when I tell them about this recent story of sudden homelessness and aloneness. I have developed an expectation of how they should react in order to validate my specialness.  They should, my mind tells me, put their hands to their mouths and gasp a little over the hugeness of this new challenge. They should say, "OMG, that is absolutely terrible! Poor you! What are you going to do? " They should express seething anger at those who have led me to this present situation...those from the recent and distant past. They should put away their need to talk about their "petty problems" to discuss my "real problems." They should then make it their life mission to solve the problem for me or with me, putting the resolution of such at the top of their priority list.  

Hmmm! How realistic is that expectation? Other people are not responsible for fixing what is happening in my life or for fixing what is broken in me that is leading to this need for a display of specialness. Besides people have been genuinely kind and supportive...it is not their problem that my expectations are unrealistic and near impossible to match.

Obviously, my need for specialness is not being fulfilled as I process through this series of life events. I am not feeling very special. People are not meeting my specialness-validating expectations. Though people are quick to offer me a bed or a couch to crash on for a few days, most are not gasping or putting their hands to their mouths. The size of the challenge seems to be anything but "huge" to others, falling behind, it seems, the importance of that day's weather or political event. Very few are showering me with pity or expressions of how unjust this is, or even concern for my welfare.  Many are still more than determined to cut me off so they can talk about their own problems, even though comparative mind says..."That doesn't compare!"  And very few are helping me to actively solve this problem. In fact, this problem seems to fall near the bottom of most people's lists of things to do or help with. I get a lot of , "What are you going to do?" and not enough, "What can I do to help you?" 

I don't feel "special" and though I would rather not be going through what I am going through, I was settling into this acceptance that maybe at least if I have to go through this there might be some secondary gain: a showering of specialness validation. Nope...Life did not want to give me that, knowing, I suppose, how that would not serve this human I call "me" in the long run. It knew that this seeking specialness was just a trap created by ego and once in it, one could never get enough. 

So, I, as observer, have been watching how, I, as "me", have been having mini reactions to the reactions I observe others are having when I share my story with them. I watch this "self" pulling back from talking about what I am experiencing, spending moments of "why aren't you offering to help me more?", and dealing with feelings of resentment, rejection, self pity, unworthiness for more.  I have been reacting internally to how others are reacting to my life situation externally, because mind convinced me they were not making this "me" feel special and cared for in the special way the ego believes they should.  

I was expecting signs of "You are special because what you are going through is special, "and what I got was, "You are just another human being out of 8.3 billion on this planet and your life is no more special than anyone else's." This, of course is the ultimate truth, and I truly want to live in the ultimate truth, but to this specialness starved personality something was triggered. To get to this ultimate truth, I needed to explore the trigger. 

A trigger?

I have a new mini mission in this life long bigger mission of getting past "me" to Self. To get to Self we must understand and make our way through the samskara ridden psyche. I can sit back to some degree and watch this human I call "me" deal with the reactivity she experiences upon noticing, through the veil of psyche, how others are reacting to her story.  She is obviously not seeing clearly but it is important to understand what she sees. So, I set out to understand that which gets triggered in many of us when others are not validating our specialness in one way or another. 

 I ask these questions of myself: What is going on in this psyche or personal mind of mine? What samskara got stimulated and why? Why do I need validation for specialness?  What is "special"? Where did that core belief come from that set up those expectations of how people should react to my stories of suffering if they truly cared and thought I was special?  Why do I seek secondary gain from challenges like this in the form of pity or validation of my specialness? Am I equating pity and validation with compassion and love, or as a substitute for? Do I think I am unworthy of true compassion and love from others, and am I therefore willing to settle with pity or a designation of "special in suffering"? Why do I automatically assume others don't or won't care about me?  Why do I set up such unrealistic expectations to gain proof that others love me enough? Why can I not feel special enough on my own in my suffering or in my glory unless other people tell me in words or actions that I am?

Of course, these are concerns of the little self. Self with a big "S" is okay. It never reacted to the reactions of others. It never needed or looked to gain a specialness status. These questions,then, are for understanding self with a small "s". This little self is samskara ridden. It, and its samskaras, are in the way of this human fully realizing Self. I need to release the samskaras.

I see there is another samskara in here being triggered, a big, juicy one that you too might be able to find in yourself. Have a look inside and see.  Don't be afraid to explore, to discover, to call up and sit with such a samskara if you find one. Its release is imperative to your healing. 

 I sit with this samskara of specialness seeking and I listen to what it has to say. I realize that: I, as self, do not feel worthy enough as I am to be seen as valuable.  I misconstrue being valuable with being validated as special by others, even in my suffering. In my believing I am not worthy of true compassion and love I seek and settle with pity or a "special in her suffering" title as a substitute. Ego desperately tries to convince me, that if people show me that I am special in some way, that will confirm that I am not as valueless as I believe I am...it will fix what is broken within me. It is uncomfortable to see and realize  thatI have such a samskara within me...but I need to acknowledge it if I want to heal from it. So, I, as a Self well beyond the need for specialness, gently call it up; I sit with it it; I look deeply at it; and I listen to what it wants me to hear before I send it off. 

In my search for Self, I know I need to get beyond self and any samskaras it has stored. I am like a "Samskara Hunter "lately...like an Indiana Jones of the internal caves. Every time I get triggered, I notice now, and off I go in search of what is hidden inside with the intent of bringing home the true gems- Self-Realization and freedom. 

Your specialness is not your reality, and it is only your reality that can give you peace.

ACIM T-24.II.13-3

All is well

Guiding and Healing Messages in Poetry

 

Diminished

Diminished! Diminished!

The  wind calls out as it passes by,

tugging at my weathered bark,

urging me to cry: 

 

I was once  a flowery beacon,
for all the world to stop and praise 

but I lost all my precious blossoms

to the weather's   wicked ways.

The fruit  my limbs  once proudly bore,

thinking it was mine,

was swept away by greedy hands

for someone else's wine.

Leaves that danced in lively costume

against an Autumn sky,

have crinkled up, have fallen

and have so sadly  died.

My arms now bare and empty

reach up into the atmosphere

and as a  ghostly form of less than

my silhouette will so appear.

Diminished! Diminished !

The wind calls out as it passes by,

tugging at my weathered bark,

urging me to cry:

I  will  no longer cry out my wrath or

my need to make it right.

I  will just bow my weary head

and exhale remaining fight.

What I had  is gone now.

I stand in my new pathetic  form.

Naked, exposed and all alone

I am vulnerable to the storm.

Yet as the earth below me chills

and freezes with the frost,

I feel my roots open within the ground

and know that I was never lost.

Diminished! Diminished !

The wind calls out as it passes by,

tugging at my weathered bark,

urging me to cry:

There is a healing within me there

coursing through the veins,

opening up to allow what simply is

to free me from my chains.

This Life force travels up into my trunk

and to the very tips of what I knew,

replacing the  surface illusion

with what is surely true.
 

 "I am." My branches cry out with joy as

I bend  to Life's  true song.

"It is as it is", the wind calls back

and it happily sings along .

Diminished?  Diminished?...

It may appear to the eye that does not see

but  the Self within me knows,
that loss has set me free.

Dale-Lyn , February 2020

I felt compelled to share that poem, written when I felt the heart wrenching realization of what getting sick without support had cost me: the stripping away of financial stability and professional roles that helped to create this costume I wore. It was a slow and painful diminishment, the physical world cost of which carried on for years taking me to the point I am at now. Yet, through it I was able to see the gift in such a "diminshment". 

And this following poem was writtem when I had to make a decision about leaving work a second time to preserve my health enough to parent effectively at a very trying time. I knew that the insurance company would be even less likely to support me the second time because that would mean retroactive support for the first time I went off. The only reason I went back when I did in between these two times was because I knew I couldn't go another year without a cent of income, as I was doing. I was determined to push past symptoms. I wasn't strong enough to do that. At the same time the body and psyche were battling over what would be best for this family in the long run, the Higher Self within already knew what I had to do. It was no longer just a question of physical survival but a pull towards Something Greater. 

No one can take that away from me.

Ego Hisses

whispers from that place of secrets
become screams in my ears
twisting, turning messages that
express the truth I fear
I suddenly decide to listen
to stop, head stilled to the side
while I decipher all the wisdom
and put away my pride

ego hisses at me with its
desperate pleading cries
to ignore the truths I’m offered
calling them foolish, new age lies
it warns me of the darkness
the desolation I will face
if I go forward with these directions
and leave this warm, familiar place

yet I find myself moving onward
pushing ego’s carcass to the floor
and taking slow, hesitant steps
I move through the open door

I don’t know what I will be facing
what is on the other side
but I know the door has been opened
and it is open very wide.

Dale- Lyn, Nov 2013

All is well!

Being Honest and Transparent Anyway

 

Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.

Mother Teresa (actually this came from The Paradoxical Commandments by Kent M. Keith)

Sometimes, I just sigh...a big pathetic sigh...only because I do not know what else to do. :) There is something very much like surrender in that sigh...a letting go of not just air but all the tension and pressure to perform. 

Few out there, other than you and family know of my present situation. I really don't feel comfortable sharing it with many others. 

Say what, crazy lady?  You just blasted your woes all over the internet.

I have no problem being open and honest here...for this is what this blog is for.  It is about truth and getting to our core by removing the shells and personnas  we wear. And everytime I sit down here, it is like I get to remove a tight restricting costume, to once again expose and free  who was hiding beneath it. It is freeing and I do not waste time in fear what others will think of "me" when I come here. There seems to be a higher purpose pulling me towards the page. Accepting this pull allows for a big, deep, beautiful sigh to come from my core.

Still, I am realizing that there is a lot of avoiding and resisting when it comes to sharing my present, vulnerable, and messy nakedness with others outside this site. Life has stripped me bear and though I know the deeper meaning and blessing in that stripping away of what I knew, it does leave me feeling a bit vulnerable and embarassingly exposed. I am not sure how others will react to see me without my costume. There are many people who see me as the costume I still wear at times. I am not sure they really want to see beneath it.  Seeing beyond my costume might mean, to them, that they have to remove their own, and that isn't always comfortable, leading to a lot of social awkwardness. It is almost as if our costumes have bonded, rather than the individuals beneath them. If the costumes are no longer there, how will we interact? 

But alas, I cannot hide my present state from others "out there" forever. I will have to expose this newly diminished  self when they ask to see me, as a friend recently has done. This friend has no idea what I am going through, didn't even know I moved when I did last December. How do I share my newly stripped away state without seeming like a victim in a story making it uncomfortable for her, without denying the real reason why I know this is happening, which could make her feel even more uncomfortable? I don't know.  All I know to say is, "It is what it is. It is who I am now. Who I have always been."  

Well the friend I meet tomorrow is the friend to understand if anyone is to understand. She will not judge or think less of this "me" that is now cracked and peeled away. She will accept what is beneath it, if anyone can, understanding and respecting why I asked for this dimishment in the first place. She will make the coming  "out of the poverty closet" a little easier for future exposures.

All is well.

.

Promoting Teaching From a Book Yet Written?

 

 Your purpose in life is to use your talent and gifts to help other people. Your journey in life teaches you how to do that. 

Tom Krause

I was encouraged by AI... (I know I am guilty of seeking guidance I know will be objective from the most objective thing I know...the non human. sigh!) ...to promote teachings related to the book I am writing now.  It came up with a  rough script to promote these teachings. Of course, I revised and edited the whole thing.  I will share it here. Silly, I know. 

For the past few months, my morning sadhana or practice has looked a little different. I don’t open my eyes to a familiar room, a permanent desk, or the stability of my own home. I open my eyes to a temporary, sometimes unfamiliar, ceiling. With awareness of every new stucco pattern above me, I feel this body crunching up automatically, into a ball of survival tension.  I look over to my belongings packed in a few suitcases, ready to go to the next place and I feel the dread closing my heart. I feel a heaviness weighing me down, strongly encouraging me not to move. Not because the body and mind want to embrace the beauty of meditative stillness as they usually do...but because suddenly they do not want to face the “what isness” of my situation, the unpredictable, unforeseeable indefiniteness of this sudden homeless experience.

 I will be honest, the thoughts of rolling over and getting up to face another day as this struggling human who is suddenly unhoused, outside a long-term relationship, and with not enough income to survive independently are not positive, or enthusiastic ones. In fact, this mind is entertaining thoughts my spiritual ego is telling me, that no evolving being should ever entertain. Still, here I am observing and experiencing these thoughts encased in the energy of great fear and shame. Huh!

 The two key words here are “observing and experiencing”. I observe and experience what mind is doing but from a peaceful distance.

You see, when sudden homelessness and a poverty-level income hit, the human mind panics. The ego screams that you have failed, that you are unprotected, and that you are completely ungrounded. It wants the human to get lost in the drama brought about by the unrelenting question, “Why are you doing this to “me”? That is a normal, human reaction. But we can experience it all from a place behind what the human mind is saying and doing.

 Hmmm!

 As a meditation teacher, and lifelong student of Yoga and ancient wisdom, I have discovered that just because something is normal doesn’t make it healthy or wholesome. We do not have to follow the normal human tendency towards reactivity.  I no longer get lost in the question or its subsequent reactivity when encountering such challenges. I learned to observe and experience the emotional energy of life whether it is labelled as good or bad, right or wrong, should be or shouldn’t be by the human mind from a deeper place that is my unshakable home. I no longer get swallowed up by the question, “Why me” or the drama that ensues. I certainly observe and experience what is unfolding but I ask another question, What is life actually offering here?

 Though my practice may look different now than it did when I was housed, I can still see through it, how challenge, like sudden displacement or crisis, is an offering, not a punishment. “Difficulty”  is a beautiful gift of learning potential that can enhance our lives rather than diminish them. The psyche and body may judge unfairness and be struggling to survive through these life events, but the Higher Self within isn’t one bit concerned about this drama unfolding. This seemingly unfair and difficult life situation, one of many this human has experienced over the course of her time on earth, is being observed, dissected, examined, and explored, in the laboratory of this mind. I am recording what I am learning through the process of writing a book about what lay beyond the “brokenness of me” and how to get there.

 The truth is, life is staging a radical, forced dismantling of this identity we call “me” through the intense challenges that we may find ourselves facing. When the outer structures of security are ruthlessly stripped away, we are forced into absolute nakedness before existence. We can no longer rely on a deed, a bank account, or a societal title to define our worth. We are forced to discover the beautiful truth about who we really are beyond this idea of a broken “me”.

 The intense Life friction or challenge—the pain-filled emotional strain—you too may be experiencing is not a sign that you are broken, that you have failed or that Life has failed you. It is simply a late labor pain of your awakening, leading you to give birth to something greater. It is the triggering of the release of another Samskara, a deeply buried one, helping you to purify in a radical way so this greatness within you can flow through.

.What are samskaras, crazy lady?

 Samskaras are those hidden, hardened karmic impressions stored in the subconscious that dictate our fears and reactive behaviors.

 Right now, Life is helping this human I call “me”, one human of 8.3 billion other humans, to advance in this practice known as purification by offering this homeless state. Life is likely triggering your samskara release and purification with a special set of difficult challenges, as well.

 Why would we allow such a painful purification?

 Once purified the inner state of stability will no longer be dependent on what is happening out there. We will be able to find peace, joy, and love regardless of whether we are living a life of luxury sitting on a yacht or whether we are poor and homeless sitting on a park bench.  It should not be our intention to continue to shrivel up in reaction to Life but to embrace and honor it all, as we heal and advance in the development of higher consciousness. These challenges are opportunities to purify, heal, and grow into that which we were always meant to be.

 I am writing the upcoming book on Samskara release not from a position of comfortable theory, but from the raw trenches of this displacement and from a lifelong history of human trauma. Throughout all this turmoil I was able to find a stable home within in which to ground, and in which to experience unshakable peace. I want to show you how to find the Unshakable within yourself while your outer world may be rumbling and threatening to break open beneath you, like “mine” is now. We can heal and grow together through anything Life throws our way.  

You in?

All is well.

Life Obliges

 Life Obliged

 

I could have asked Life to wait until I was anesthetized and numbed

be fore taking the scalpel to “me”...but I didn’t.

I just said, “Heal that which needs to be healed.”

Life obliged.

Without waiting for me to take a breath,

It sliced and violently tore all the eschar from the surface,

so the tender tissue beneath could breathe.

It hurt like hell and it made a bloody mess.

I cried in pain and resistance.

Life just smiled and said, “It is done.”

 

 

I could have asked for a slow and gentle draining away

of the plaque clogging my life force channels but I didn’t...

I just said, “Cleanse me of that which is in the way. Get this channel open.”

Life obliged.

It bit into my neck tearing away at flesh. It spit clot busters into my vessels

until I bled out from my carotid...leaving me empty and drained.

I cried out in pain and resistance.

Life just smiled and said, “It is done!”

 

 

I could have asked Life to gently neutralize the corrosive toxicity within me, but I didn’t...

I just said, “Get this poison out of me.”

Life obliged.

It shoved ipecac down my throat until I threw up toxins that burned just as much coming up as they did going down.  

I cried in pain and resistance.

Life just smiled and said, “It is done!”

 

I could have asked Life to be kinder to this “me” I was clinging so tightly to but I didn’t...

I just said, “Pull this thing that is weighing me down and holding me back away.”

Life obliged.

It pulled the remains of this false self from my face even though the mask seemed fused there.  It tore the costume off my body though it seemed to be my second skin.  It wiped my name from the marquee before knocking me off the stage.

It hurt like hell. I cried in pain and resistance.

Life just smiled and said, “It is done! You are free!”

Dale-Lyn, October 29, 2026

An Unsanctomonious Approach to Healing

 Unsanctomonious Approach to Healing

There are times when Life is a kind and gentle healer.

Times when it will wait until we are anesthetized and still before it makes its first incision.

Then it will, with its finely tuned instruments and sacred precision,

gracefully cut open our eschar thick outer shells

to expose the magnificent potential hiding within.

 

Most times, however, Life is rather gruesome in its unsanctimonious approach to healing.  

Like an old nurse, made indifferent by years of witnessing patient resistance,

It ignores the tensing up and fearful question, “Will it hurt?”

With quick, determined hands it fiercely pulls the outer skin away.

In one fluid motion, layers of who we thought we were, are painfully stripped from us.

We gasp as we look down at the bloody, raw, and vulnerable mess that is left behind.

And mind, in shock upon realizing it has been torn away

from the anchor that once held it down,

runs around in fitful circles, crying out, “No! No! This shouldn’t be!”

These cries, heard much too often, just bounce off the nurse’s unflinching face

As she calmly looks down at us to whisper, “It should be because it is. It is done!”

Dale-Lyn, October 29,2026

I Asked for This?

 

Struggle is the fire that burns away the masks we wear, leaving only the unvarnished truth of who we are.

James Baldwin.

My world seemed to crumble around me recently.  Less than two months ago, I became homeless (sorry-"unhoused") with little to no money or possessions to take with me. I found myself outside a 12 year relationship and a comfortable little home I helped to create, moving from one bed or couch to the next.  It got really dark very quickly. For a while, I could not see the light up ahead. 

It has been an "Earth shattering" experience for this human, let me tell ya.  Mind and body have been, and still are to some extent, feeling the panic, the grief, and the shame of this major life change.  It was like unexpectedly falling through a crack made by an earth quake that is still rumbling. This human is being cut open, banged up, scratched and clawed as she continues to fall down to some unforseeable bottom, not sure where or if she will ever land. More than once I heard myself calling out in the voice of a helpless victim as I was falling, "Why are you doing this to me Life?"

 I have been very caught up in this life drama. So, much so I didn't hear Life answering me back, "You asked for this, crazy lady. Simply obliging your request." .

Huh? Why would anyone ask for this?

I hear now.  I remember now. It is true. I literally asked for this. I mean literally. Months ago , I began to ask, pray, shout out to the air, "Please help me to remove what is left of this "me" so I can finally heal and experience the Higher Self? Help me to awaken faster." 

 I more or less pleaded with the Powers that Be to have the remaints of this "me" pulled off and cleaned away so Who I Really Am can shine through. I was well on my way to healing and Self-realization,  but impatient,  I asked, out loud, that the process be accelerated.

There is a saying "Be careful about what you ask for." lol

My request was heard and answered. Life so kindly obliged. The few things of "me-ness" I had left to hang on to: the identification as "fiance or human in a significant relationship", as "human with a home to call her own", "human with at least some financial stability",  and "human with a socially approved purpose"...(identities  society endorses and expects from all the "mes"  that make it up)... were stripped away like layers of skin. Ouch!. I was so consumed by the sudden burst of pain that I could not see the deeper meaning behind it. I could not remember that I had asked for this.

I didn't asked to have layers of skin so painfully ripped off, did I?  Yeah, I did. 

 I knew what waking up entailed -a dismantling of "me"to get to what was beneath it. I knew I had to have what was left of this false sense of self removed in order to expand.  I suspected it would be painful  but wow! Life was probably doing me a solid by pulling it all off in one clean shot, like pulling a bandaid off.... But the aftershock of finding myself so empty handed, so vulnerable, so displaced and untethered! That was gruesome for this human. For a while, I could not see beyond the human drama enough to accept and allow this experience to be what it was. I resisted and struggled against it

That is, until I remembered. "OMG! I did ask for this!"

Just knowing that I asked empowers me so much, and helps to remove so much of this victim from my perspective.  I see the deeper meaning now from this experience.  I see the potential.  I can see the light.

Oh the earth is still rumbling beneath my feet and I suspect it will for a while...but I know something greater is happening here than a little human drama. Something greater is happening here.  There is light up ahead and I am falling into It.

All is well. 

Waking Up From Another Kind of Dream

 What I say to all of you, Stay Awake! Mark 13:37

It is challenging to stay awake in this busy world. Our busy clingy minds with their nonstop thinking want to sweep us away into their dramas, and their "me-me" focus again and again.  As if sedating us with powerful drugs that alter our level of conscious awareness, our thinking minds  numb, distract, lullabye us with singing that does anything but soothe...into an unconscious dream state that we happen to call "normal everyday life". 

Normal wakefulness is the unconscious state...you are in another kind of dream

Like the disciples, most of us did not heed Jesus' warning to stay awake. We fell asleep and are still asleep. We just do not know it.

It isn't too late. There is another awakening waiting for us. The second awakening, Eckhart Tolle tells us is awakening out of the dream of complete identification with thought.

We can wake up! We may not be able to stop the mind from thinking as that is what the mind does, but we no longer have to be sedated into fear induced numbness by it. We can get beyond the identification with and attachment to the stuff the mind is telling us...and experience what it is like to be the one observing the mind. Game changer.

Anyway, all is well.

"Well, It's Something to Do..."

 

If it does not distract you from yourself, you are stuck with yourself...Anything that feels good is shakti. If it doesn't capture your attention and distract you from yourself, so a higher energy can make it through your centers, you are not going to feel anything. 

Michael Singer

How often do we say, "Well, it is something to do...better than nothing?" 

I found myself saying that yesterday when I noticed myself dilly dallying over my you tube channels. I find myself saying that to myself or others to explain why I take the time to write here or do a video for my channel.  I mean, I am half embarrassed, half motivated to serve and at the same time desperately needing something to do for a distraction. I do not do this for the outcomes, I do so for the serving purpose and for the distraction. Doing so, for some reason, distracts me enough to feel "better" if not great. 

So, I am trying to do what Marcus Aurelius  encouraged us to do...to make everything said, thought, or intended like that of a dying person. A dying person is concerned about what they leave behind. I have both selfish and selfless reasons for doing so. Selflessly, I do wish to serve Life , others, the world.  That is real. I want what I do to have meaning and purpose in alleviating even just a bit of suffering or difficulty in the world. That is real and true. Selfishly,  I need something to focus on...something that gives this human meaning and purpose. Teaching and writing has meaning for this "me".  This human also needs an escape from the realiity of this present life situation. I need a distraction from this "problematic me". Well, from what mind calls the problematic me and the reality of my situation...not necessarily what Self defines as such.  

I am looking for a distraction from myself. Without such distraction I feel very stuck.  In that stuck feeling I do not experience shakti. It would feel so good to experience more shakti. Hmm! 

Yesterday I went"out there" seeking a lever that I assumed would open the door of this positive energy, hoping it would allow shakti to come up  at least in trickles. Someone made a kind getsure by seeking to help me gain more recognition for my blog and youtube channels thinking that success there would make me feel better.  I listened as if they were pointing to a lever.

I do not come here to acheive "success". It is not my goal to be a social influencer. I leave that for the younger generation. :) I do not need a big audience, nor do I necessarily need to be paid for what I do. (Wouldn't say no to that though lol). I do , however, want to serve and share the bit I have to serve and share before I die so this Life has meaning.  I also have selfish reasons for coming here and to my channel. I love writing and teaching...it opens me up at least a bit. It is a beautiful distraction from problematic self.

Though I really do not expect (I put little into making these perfect for viewing) or actively seek more success in these areas because I know that it will only do so much for my state of peace, it made me question if that pursuit of creating a better media presence could be a nice distraction if not a lever that will open up the door to shakti.. Maybe sorting out my channels, making them more specific and niche-like would help not only distract me while doing it...but lead to some thing that will hold the lever down?

So, I went to Youtube and spent hours organizing my channels.  I have a channel now for Hatha Yoga called Desk Break Yoga, one for guided mindfulness and meditation, and one for "Waking Up with Yoga and Ancient Wisdom". I feel silly almost spending time doing this so I can expose the self I want to distract from in this way, but it does give my mind a nice purposeful distraction. And what I say and do in these blog entries and videos has meaning for this "self" and this "Self". Not sure they will have meaning for anyone else...but heck, "It is something to do." 

 Creating each video with the intention of helping someone else serves this me and at the same time it distracts it from focus on this problematic self. I feel the trickle of shakti pouring through. Hmm! I am grateful for that.

All is well. 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLfNJkfANIfDRENfPjnXhGw

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgt8Iepb7c5fzkDBjj3t_uQ

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-lbR34TdfLH7sb507Us60Q

Wisdom from Marcus Aurelius on Life and Death

 

Let each thing you would do, say, or intend be like that of a dying person

Marcus Aurelius

I feel like I have to defend my mental health now lol. Thank God very few people, if any, that I know read this because they would be rushing me down to Mental Health.  I think it is hard to understand what I mean by my acceptance and sometimes preferring this idea of death until one truly realizes how we are not the body or the personality, and death is not the end. How many people "know" what Marcus Aurelius seemed to realize, what took me six decades to realize, at least to some degree? Not many...yet.

Brief is a man's life, and small is the nook of Earth where he lives. Marcus Aurelius

Anyway, I need to stress that Life is an amazing thing. Brief and what we are given to experience is just a small nook...but it is an amazing thing. It is to be cherished and honored, loved and nurtured like a precious infant. It is also very, very difficult at times. Those are two truths about Life that cannot be denied by any of us. The most important truth, though, is that we... as these separate, individual concepts we identify with and call "me" ...do not own life. There is no such thing as "my life". There is just Life doing what Life does, "good or bad", "easy or difficult" blowing through these bodies and minds.  We are that Life. Because we do not own it, we do not get to tell Life what it should do or how it should be.  Our mission is to let it blow through and to go with it.Though we can decide "how" we go with it...if we go easy (by allowing) or go hard (by resisting), we are not to decide how it should be, how long it should last, how it should end.  That is really none of our business.

What are you afraid of losing when nothing in the world actually belongs to you? Marcus Aurelius

Humans, however, have this terrible habit of "preferring" don't we, what the Buddha called Desiring or craving? When the experience of Life gets difficult for the human, mostly because we are preferring something else and resisting what is. We have a hard time allowing Life to be Life and relaxing into it, don't we? We adamantly say, "I don't want this!!! I want that instead!!" 

This yet to be evolved human I call "me" is facing some very challenging Life situations and she is having a hard time dealing with them.  They are not what "me" wants.  I find myself in a physical and psychological state of "resisting". (The other night I had a challenging time relaxing into a Charlie Horse cramp...something I thought I had mastered as part of my "relaxing into what is" practice. Lasted a good five minutes. ..indicating how tensed up my body and mind are, how I am struggling to relax into what is.) 

So, I am in a present state of tensed up resistance to what is. I found myself looking around at possibilities that I would or could prefer more.  Man, I would prefer to have a home to call my own.  I would prefer to have an income I can live on.  I would prefer to have a life that is a little easier. So, I set out on a mission to see how I could get these things. One obstacle arose after another.  After an exhausted search, it didn't seem likely or feasible that things would change for this human in a preferable way. There seemed to be no way to escape this present set of circumstances, and I questioned my ability to cope if this went on too much longer. There was no light, no joy, just "stress and difficulty" in the visual field of future. 

No one can lose the past or the future, for if they don't belong to you, how can they be taken from you? Marcus Aurelius

Still, my reverence for Life and my understanding that it wasn't mine kicked in. I am like "Okay, I am not sure if I can handle this, but I will try to do it if I have to.  Thy Will not my will be done. I really, really don't want to and I am not sure how I will cope or if I will pass this one...not at all...but of course, I will try.  I will keep going at least."

It is not death that a man should fear, he should fear never beginning to live- Marcus Aurelius

Then, my mind's attention suddenly went to body complaints: the rib pain and the lung infection. And instantly I found myself wondering ...is this going to be the way out of this? Is my body finishing up this mission for me? And I was totally okay with that possibility. That made me question if dying would be easier than facing the challenges up ahead...and I realized it might be. That made me realize how I do not fear death and how I am not attached to either life or death. How...I don't care if I live or die (This to a mental health professional would be a big red flag but to a spiritual master, it is a sign of detachment). Thy Will, not my will be done.

But death and life, honor and dishonor, pain and pleasure -all these things equally happen to good men and to bad, being things which make us neither better nor worse. Therefore, they are neither good nor evil...Marcus Aurelius

I had no intention of actively doing anything to end this Life that isn't mine to end.  I had no intention of passively allowing this physical condition get so bad that it would take me, either.  I have a plan that if sats go below 90 I will go in.  I am taking care of it...lung expansion and coughing etc. I am a fairly fit person for my age...this may not progress in any significant way.  The rib will eventually heal from whatever is wrong with it. Awareness of this physical ailment just happened to make me realize how okay I will be if the powers that be decide I can skip the difficult lesson up ahead and graduate early. :) That's all.

About death, whether it is a dispersion or a resolution into atoms, or annihilation, it is either extinction or change....Marcus Aurelius

I am no Marcus Aurelius at this point.  I am not that stoic but I do honor and appreciate this throught and feeling  experience that has taken place within me, that made me view, once again, my perspective on life and death now, that shows me both the fraility of the personal human mind and the strength of the Universal mind. 

This experience of living or dying  isn't easy but we need to embrace the reality of both...so we live fully, growing into the best humans we can be and we die willingly when our times come, knowing we have done what we have come to do.

All is well

No Plans To Quit School Early

 

Stop whatever you are doing and ask yourself: Am I afraid of death because I won't  be able to do this anymore?

Marcus Aurelius

My last entry may have caused a bit of a stir...not my intention.

I Am Okay!  I can assure you, I am not suicidal.   I have no ideation what so ever, passive or active.  I would never do anything to end this Life.  I cherish it!!!  

I am just not afraid of death and if it were to come for me right now, I would be okay with it, especially considering the challenge of the lessons in front of me it would allow me to skip.  The fear of  facing this lesson far outweighs my fear of death. Hmm!. 

 In the previous entry, I am just being honest about a very real emotional experience many humans will at one point face. We may find ourselves preferring the fulfilled finishing of our time here (graduation) to struggling with the very, very hard lessons that we cannot seem to see the answers for that get put on our desks.  

The outcome of such an emotional experience can often depend on who in us is in charge. Reactive lower self might just want to end the pain, and "quit school" early while  Higher Self , though  the lesson may seem impossible to master, is determined to graduate.  It doesn't want to leave school until it has a diploma in its hand. It knows it isn't going to meet the qualifications for graduation until it passes these lessons or gets permission from the administration to skip them. So though upon looking at this lesson placed in front of, there doesn't seem to be any light or reasoning, Higher Self believes in the process and keeps going until it is told it is finished....even if it has to repeat many grades.  

Higher Self is in charge in this human I call "me"  these days.  Even when I slip into the drama every now and again...I don't operate through lower self very much anymore.  So, there is no active or even passive suicidal ideation. 

It is true that to the lower self the situation right now, the psyche and the body are experiencing, absolutely sucks. Yes...I admit to that.  It is very, very challenging to see the light from this perspective.  And  it is true that I do get pulled down into that lower self perspective from time to time.  It is also true that I would not want these circumstances  to continue like this for this human over an extended period of time. Would anyone?

I am trying to do my part in making it better.  I am.  Right now, however, I cannot 'practically' see how to do that, how it will change, therefore I cannot see it getting better any time soon. I cannot yet figure out the equation. It is a very, very difficult lesson for this human. I am not sure how to cope until it does change or until I figure out what I am meant to learn. This lesson is telling me  I need to ride out a storm with an indefinite life span to it, but with a high probability of struggle and difficulty and absolutely no gaurantee that it is going to get easier or that  I am going to figure it out.   That is just the reality of my experience right now. For that reason, if I had a choice of it going on like this for another three years or being able to skip this lesson so I can graduate early on the direction of the school administration....fairly reaching the end of a contract and moving on.  I would choose the moving on part.  I would.  I would not do the premature termination of the contract on my own, I would not quit school...but...if I am told that I can skip some courses...especially this one...and graduate early, I might agree to skip the course. Regardless if I skip or don't skip, if the powers at be were to tell me I fulfilled all the requirements and it is time to graduate, I would be okay with that. Would you?

That thinking does not make me suicidal. There are a set of  pretty existential questions we all should ponder: Do you see Life as an Earth School and our challenges as lessons necessary for advancement and graduation? If so, if you could skip a really tough life lesson, at the direction of the principal, to graduate early...(still fulfilling your soul contract).... would you? Even if you meet the requirements in the traditional way, are you ready to go get your diploma with a smile on your face or when they call out your name are you going to resist, run, or hide by saying "Teacher! Teacher, I am not ready yet. Can I stay in school for another year?"

I know that is going to set alot of people off! I am not talking about suicide in anyway shape or form.. I am talking about accepting death if it comes to tell you, "You have fulfilled your obligations, you have met your requirements. It is time to graduate, leave Earth school, and move on!" ?

Are you willing to let Life decide when it is time for you to graduate even if it means graduating earlier than everyone else, or staying in school doing the hard work of learning longer than everyone else? That is all I meant. I believe myself to be ready for either. I am not looking forward to  tackling this lesson on my desk. I fear that I have yet to gain the wisdom and strength to master it. For that reason I do find myself , on occassion, wishing that the principal will come to the door to tell me I can skip it. I also strongly believe that is not going to happen. So, I better buckle down and keep learning!

Still, if you feel a certain helplessness and hopelessness that is leading to thoughts of self harm and suicide please seek help. Even if a passive suicidal ideation is leading you to neglect your own care. If psyche and lower self are calling the shots in your desire to quit school early, please get the help and support you need from the physical world, while seeking guidance from the School Administration. . 

All is well. 

Fulfilling a Contract and Living Up to the Truth

 I leave the world my words, and my map to the truth.  And I will spend the rest of my time here trying to live up to my words.

Me- March 6, 2024

I wrote that a few years ago and came across that entry today.  Those words revisited this human mind again in a way that was needed and appreciated. 

This human is having an experience of not caring if she lives or dies. 

You see, I woke up this morning feeling very "defeated" as a human psyche.  Yesterday I was reminded of the very human challenges I am facing, and I could not see the light. This future looked very grim. I could not see any worthwhile 'physical world' purpose for this human being here in this "unhoused" state, while seeing so clearly how it was only becoming a burden to loved ones, and society at large.  I did not see how it would sustain this present "couch surfing" situation psychologically or how it would sustain itself without unrealistic long-term dependency on others physically. There did not seem to be any way "out".  This hit another samskara. My whole life I was a person who always needed to know there was a way out in case things got bad. Yesterday, I couldn't see the "Exit" sign. I felt a bit crushed by the realization of my physical world circumstances. 

Of course, I am not alone in this experience.  I was reminded of what I learned in my studying of Gerontology, about how "depressed" and even "suicidal" many 'older' people can get when they lose their sense of purpose and begin to feel like a burden on society. This is increased by the loneliness many experience with the loss of loved ones, as well as the  housing and financial instability many experience. Am I a member of that demographic now? That leaves a knot in my gut to think I have come full circle from a person who wanted to help alleviate this problem, to one experiencing it bang on!

I just wouldn't want to go on living like this for much longer, you know? I highlight "want". This life, I know, is not about what this "me" wants. I know that. I would never do anything to shorten this precious life experience, regardless of the circumstances. I definitely want to fulfill my "soul contract" if that is such a thing. I will let Life decide the length and termination of that contract no matter how I personally find it difficult.

But...

Spiritually, I have no idea if I am doing and fulfilling what I signed up for.  I don't.  Am I living out Soul's purpose? I think I am supposed to write and do what I am doing here...but if it isn't reaching anyone, am I serving? If the physical body cannot sustain itself, if the mind cannot ground itself in 'place' enough to write or to get what is written out there...then what?

I have no idea how long my contract obligation is for...but if that contract is running out soon, I'd be okay with it.  I would see the ending as coming at an opportune time. You know? If I am no longer serving, why be here?

This acceptance of a timely end is compounded by a physical illness that is dragging my energy and focus downward. I am not feeling 100% physically.  I broke, cracked, slipped, or bruised a rib a few weeks ago (feel it moving around in ways it shouldn't).  A day later I caught the flu/cold that was going around the house.  Symptoms of that went away but suddenly four days ago I started coughing in a way that indicates a lung infection. It is hard to expand the lungs fully because of the rib pain. Sats dropped to 91% for a day but when I started the lung expansion exercises, they came back up to 93 and 94%. Still having the pain and coughing. No big deal. 

Strangely, I feel myself very detached to the outcome of this illness.  I even find myself questioning if this will prove to be a way out- the "Exit" sign.  Is Life going to finish this human body off with this? So be it. I just ask that it gives me enough time to tie up loose ends and to do something with this "writing". 

To the higher Self this type of thinking is not a concern.  It sees that if this is a potential ending, it is really no big deal.  Though the physical body may perish, Who I am will go on..."I am" is simply willing to flow where Life takes it without resistance or struggle....even if it is taking it to the end of the road. I am truly okay if that is where this body and mind is heading. In fact, considering the alternative of having to live out the rest of this human experience the way I am living right now, I might prefer it. 

To the psychological perspective of self, however, this thought stream is very concerning. It could be labelled as the experience of 'hopelessness' and 'helplessness' that are criteria for major depression. I don't personally feel "depressed" and there is absolutely no suicidal ideation. (I am truly, truly committed to living out what I am here to live out...whatever that may be) but I do have concerns that this thinking could fester to the point where it could prevent me from seeing and doing what I am here to do. It could get in the way of me fulfilling my soul contract if energy continues to plummet downward. That's all. 

It is kind of a strange situation to be in, seeing this human proceed through both perspectives. It's crazy.  From the unevolved bits of mind...I hear, "The way you are thinking and perceiving is bad, wrong, shouldn't be. You are depressed. Resist the experience. Change your situation or get help coping with it before something happens." 

And from the evolved mind I hear, "There is nothing bad, wrong, or shouldn't be about your thinking.  It is just thinking. Your willingness to accept the temporary nature of body and mind is a testament to what has healed in you, not what remains broken. As long as there is no suicidal ideation; as long as the willingness to allow Life to decide when and how the ending will come remains, it is okay that you acknowledge the way you feel  by saying that death related to the fulfillment of your contract may be more preferrable to the present life situation you are living.

By acknowledging these feelings, by expressing them through writing you can deal and release them."

I have no idea when or how this contract will end.  I have no idea if this set of circumstances I am experiencing now will change for the better or for the worse.  I have no idea what is in store for this human...and what she is expected to do with whatever time she has left except continue to heal, grow, expand in love and compassion and to write about it. 

So, I leave the world my words...and my map to the truth.  I will spend the rest of my time here, whether it be a few months or a few decades, living up to that truth.

All is well

Beyond self, Self Allows the Energy to Flow the Way It Flows

 

[Let go of the way you think it should be]....So the energy can flow unconditionally instead of having to be  under your control.

???

Trying not to get frustrated as I find myself sinking into the physical and psychological needs inventory again. I do have to figure things out.  I do have to make plans for this future that seems so uncertain right now.  Yes, I have places to stay at present and I do appreciate that... but this "couch surfing" is not sustainable. I am so aware of that reality and it does leave me feeling ungrounded and unsettled.  Though I can "be" in this present moment, I kind of need to make plans and decisions about where I will be in the moments up ahead.  I have to sacrifice some of these present moments to do that. I need to find a place for this human I call me to settle into on an extended basis, to be able to call her own for physical safety and psychological peace. It doesn't have to be much...a roof, some heat (It gets cold in Cananda in the winter time so insulation and heat are important...ruling out many camps and campers etc), plumbing of some kind, and enough power to write, cook, live.  I feel so defeated when I look through the real estate pages.  There are very limited opportunities. Rent is very expensive here . I literally cannot afford it. I would love a separate building but alas I do not have much choice in the matter these days. I just need a roof!

 I need to work to increase my income to a liveable standard but I need a vehichle to work. It just sucks! I cannot afford a vehichle.  For the human it really, really sucks. It creates such a sense of instability to a mind that was conditioned to believe stability was everything...sigh! 

Is it a problem for the higher Self?  That is the question I keep asking when that sense of instability threatens to carry me down some deep dark well. It is a question we all should ask ourselves when we face very real human challenges. I ask.  And I know instantly that it isn't a problem for That which flows with life instead of against it . Instead of expecting the current to flow its way, instead of spending great time and energy trying to control that current so it flows to meet this human's expectations...Self just allows Life to decide which way she wants to go. It accepts, allows, honors all of it. Thy will, not my will, be done! is its mantra. 

Hmmm! Experiencing Life as Self rather than this tormented little self, is a much better way to live, wouldn't you say? Life is so much more peaceful when we see through the higher Self. Still...we have to think in terms of what  'this human' needs and do our small part to make changes while,at the same time, flowing with Life rather than against her.

When I am down here swimming in the muck of human drama trying to "deal", I have to remind myself that Life knows what it is doing even if this little human doesn't have a clue.  At those times, I need to remind myself of who I  really am...that Self that is watching self find its way through challenge. 

All is well.