Being Honest and Transparent Anyway

 

Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.

Mother Teresa (actually this came from The Paradoxical Commandments by Kent M. Keith)

Sometimes, I just sigh...a big pathetic sigh...only because I do not know what else to do. :) There is something very much like surrender in that sigh...a letting go of not just air but all the tension and pressure to perform. 

Few out there, other than you and family know of my present situation. I really don't feel comfortable sharing it with many others. 

Say what, crazy lady?  You just blasted your woes all over the internet.

I have no problem being open and honest here...for this is what this blog is for.  It is about truth and getting to our core by removing the shells and personnas  we wear. And everytime I sit down here, it is like I get to remove a tight restricting costume, to once again expose and free  who was hiding beneath it. It is freeing and I do not waste time in fear what others will think of "me" when I come here. There seems to be a higher purpose pulling me towards the page. Accepting this pull allows for a big, deep, beautiful sigh to come from my core.

Still, I am realizing that there is a lot of avoiding and resisting when it comes to sharing my present, vulnerable, and messy nakedness with others outside this site. Life has stripped me bear and though I know the deeper meaning and blessing in that stripping away of what I knew, it does leave me feeling a bit vulnerable and embarassingly exposed. I am not sure how others will react to see me without my costume. There are many people who see me as the costume I still wear at times. I am not sure they really want to see beneath it.  Seeing beyond my costume might mean, to them, that they have to remove their own, and that isn't always comfortable, leading to a lot of social awkwardness. It is almost as if our costumes have bonded, rather than the individuals beneath them. If the costumes are no longer there, how will we interact? 

But alas, I cannot hide my present state from others "out there" forever. I will have to expose this newly diminished  self when they ask to see me, as a friend recently has done. This friend has no idea what I am going through, didn't even know I moved when I did last December. How do I share my newly stripped away state without seeming like a victim in a story making it uncomfortable for her, without denying the real reason why I know this is happening, which could make her feel even more uncomfortable? I don't know.  All I know to say is, "It is what it is. It is who I am now. Who I have always been."  

Well the friend I meet tomorrow is the friend to understand if anyone is to understand. She will not judge or think less of this "me" that is now cracked and peeled away. She will accept what is beneath it, if anyone can, understanding and respecting why I asked for this dimishment in the first place. She will make the coming  "out of the poverty closet" a little easier for future exposures.

All is well.

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