Internal Cleansing Sucks!

 Yoga is for internal cleansing, not external exercising. Yoga means true self-knowledge.

K. Pattabhi Jois

Whoever knew purification would be so challenging?

I am looking down into this big pit that opened up so stuff can come out and man, is it ever dark and negative in there. I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. I knew it wasn't going to be full of flowers, butterflies, or rainbows lol...but I guess I never expected this much darkness, this much heavy pain. No wonder why I stuffed it down in there really good and hid it from others and myself for so many years. 

Nasty!! Maybe it didn't start out so nasty but it is nasty now...let me tell ya! 

Its like I find myself staring down with my mouth opened realizing, "Wow! That's how I really feel about myself...how I always felt about myself and about Life?  No way...couldn't be. You think I would not have been able to hide it and deny it as well as I did over the years. And  the shame...wow...who would ever think there could be that much in one person? It is slithering around down there with all the other stuffed stuff  and it is so toxic and posionous. I am one sick cookie!" 

This negativity and dare I call it-self-loathing- is so toxic and posionous. It is now creeping up the walls of this pit and it is surrounding me.  It feels almost overwhelmning and suffocating at times. I knew purifications wasn't going to be easy but I wasn't expecting this.  So much "yuck" and pain at one time. 

I see other things in there too slithering around and hissing creating one big pile of "yucky" that I will have to deal with later - like fear (so much fear), pain, anger, helplessness, hopelessness (which to me is a good thing), and a strong desire to run as fast as I can in the other direction....or at least fill in that hole again with whatever I can find in a hurry. Sigh!

But as awful as that mess down there is...I am committed to looking in.  I am committed to sitting with whatever makes it up to the surface. I am committed to purifying...even if it kills me and it just might kill me.  The way my body feels right now with this summer humidity impacting my ticker, this crazy, bizarre mouth infection and wherever that is taking me, and all the other things-whatever they are and however they will turn out...sigh! 

Still, I am committed.  I am not running.  I am not pushing back down. I am not going to fill in that hole that Grace has opened. I am going to deal with whatever comes up.  

I am also not cra-cra enough to pull things up that are not ready to come up. No, I am just dealing with the things that come up to the surface on their own accord. One at a time.

I am not crawling down that hole either. I hear so many voices, so many messages, so many stories and memories calling me down to get lost in the detail. Nope! Not going there.  I do not need to remember everything. I just need to release the energy these memories were stored in. 

I am just going to sit up here on the most solid ground I can find these days...(and there isn't much of that either.  The earth seems to be rumbling beneath me with all the challenges thrown at me to trigger samskara release...like I am living on a fault line looking down into the mouth of a volcano...). Still, I am committed to just sitting here so I can deal with whatever comes up. Wish it was a bit easier to do that.

I recall hearing and reciting so often:

What is stored in pain comes up in pain.

I now know that to be true.lol. 

It is the shame induced negativity that has made its way up and that is sitting in front of me now.  I am looking at this core belief that I am not worthy and that Life does not have my back...infact that it is out to get me and make me pay for the sin of just being here. It is so much in my face now. (Such a gruesome core belief was inside me forever and finally has been revealed.) 

My mind feels contaminated with negativity. This negativity just seems to breed so much more negativity, making the Earth rumble and rumble causing whatever is inside to come up in slithering waves. Life is playing along. I have all these mini-crisis' showing up to deal with and they in turn stir up the stuff in the pit making it come up faster.  I have to deal with the pain, disturbance, unpleasantness of each crisis... as well as the pain, disturbance, and unpleasantness of stuff coming up from the hole in a double-whammy effect. 

Not fun!!!

An Example:

We now have no water because of a short power outage ...some bizarre cause leading to a 'coincidental' airlock leading to a dysfunctional footvalve and the inability to retreive water from the well. The last time we had this problem we had to dig up the well and replace the valve ...all and all it took us five days to figure it out and fix.  I hope to God it doesn't take another five days. Going five days without water may be what the Universe deems as a good trigger release but I am not sure I could appreciate that type of gesture right now lol. 

I now watch my mind go right to the biggest catastrophe with almost everything that unfolds in front of it. The core belief is directing the mind now.  I need to  have to have a sit down talk with this core belief, gently dismantle it of its power but it is hard to find the time to sit and listen. The Earth keeps rumbling throwing this human I call "me"  around from one little (or not so little) challenge to another, at the same time giving the belief more strength. 

Sigh! Oh big pathetic sigh!

At least, for now, I am back here watching it all go down. Watching this human look down into the pit, committed to dealing with whatever is coming up. Watching Life do what Life does as this human responds and reacts. I can't say it is a pleasant experience being this objective Observer but I do know it would be a lot less pleasant if I was down in the pit, or once again busy hiding and stuffing down what is in the pit.  That was exhausting.

I am committed to purifying. This, I am determined, is going to cleanse me and free me of "me" so I can live as the true-Self. 

It is all good. I know that, even if it feels like crap.  Purification is good thing. 

All is well. 

Dealing with Ego Drama

 

They made a monster out of you because you walked away from their drama,so be it. Let them deal with what they have created. Be at peace with yourself, and stay out of the conflict.

Unknown

Dealing, dealing, dealing ...or at least trying to with Life as she does what she does. I am soooooo sick of drama but this "me" gets sucked into it again and again.  Let me refrain that: This "me" allows itself to get sucked into it again and again. In all fairness I often do not see the sucking in part until I am already thrashing around in chaotic, turbulent waters trying to keep my head up. (As I say that I recall images of the flash-floods in Texas and New Mexico... my heart goes out to all. I also feel guilt for thinking about this "me" issue that pales in comparison. Yet...the mind goes on about the issue and I let it. Sigh!) .

Yesterday, I worked myself up into a mini-mental frenzy. I am getting sick and know I have to do something about it...soon. That means once again reliving this awful feeling that I need to "go back in there" and plead for my health. That means dealing with that thing I hate dealing with: core shame that at this point in my healing is nasty and doing whatever it can to survive.  

If I woke up in the morning and nothing hurt, I would worry I was dead. unknown

I awoke at 5 am and had that heavy feeling in my face and into my ear (and an even heavier feeling in my gut).  I could taste the most God-awful stuff in my mouth and I felt hot and nauseated. 

"Crap!" I thought, "I let the infection in my mouth brew too long and I will have to suffer the consequences". 

The mind went into, "Why were you not more assertive? Why didn't you insist that something get done or that you at least get a prescription for antibiotic round 5? Why did you get fooled into thinking others knew best again? You knew what this was and that something had to be done soon but you never said anything!"  

Why didn't I say anything? Shame, of course. Good old shame. 

Shame says, "There is some deep dark reason why you keep suffering in this way when it comes to your body, you know that eh? There has to be. It is just too uncanny how these things keep happenning. You mustn't be worthy enough of help. In fact, you must deserve to suffer. Look how challenging your life has been to date. You must deserve it."  (Once you really go deep to explore those core beliefs hidden within the subconscious...it is amazing to see how nasty they can be.) "Maybe karma isn't just a lesson curriculum.  Maybe it is a punishment system, after all. You must be stuck in this karmic cycle. Just give up...don't fight. Let whatever happens, happen. Really, why do you even expect anything better than this?" It gets really negative really fast when shame is in control. 

Shame is a soul-eating emotion C.G. Jung

Anyway, with that shame spiral going on, I am thinking all morning about what to do next. Do I wait for it to get bad enough that I need an IV antibiotic and therefore I would access the ER, bypassing "going back in there" to another place that has become a shame-festering place for this "me".   Or do I just call and let them know what is going on.  "Well", I tell myself. "They really kind of have to be expecting this call, don't they? They know I have had an infection since April. Who is left with an infection in their mouth this long? "

Anyway...as I am feeling this way and as I am contemplating what to do, I get a call about being needed elsewhere to respond to another crisis with a loved one. I resented having to respond when I was feeling the way I was feeling. I have, in all honestly, pulled back from the "drama" this loved one's "pain body" tends to cause ...many years ago. I repeated the old axiom "Didn't break it; can't fix it" over and over and used it in my rationalization for not reaching out enough, not checking in enough. Told myself I will love her where she's at and I do but I can't keep doing this "drama" thing. 

Just because some people are fueled by drama, doesn't mean you have to attend their performance.

unknown

In truth, being around her pain body and the antic of its personality completely drains "me". Besides the fact that witnessing her self destructive tendencies is so difficult to do, I am afraid of what she does to this shame-based human. She sucks this "me" in like she is drinking a milkshake through a straw...slurrrrrp....and then she spits it out because it isn't enough. Then she will look down at its splattered remains and curse it for not doing enough for her. Sigh!

I know it is just her "pain body" doing this...not her. I can see how she needed to build a protective personality. She has had so much trauma in her life. So much and she spent her life running from it. She stuffed and stored it behind all these amazing personas she created and this grasping and clinging for outer world things like popularity, success at work, recognition, and her worthiness for victim status...never dealing with the pain. At the same time seeking and creating other pain for self and others. 

Once the pain body has taken you over, you want more pain. You become a victim or a perpetrator. You want to inflict pain or you want to suffer pain, or both. There really isn't much difference between the two. You are not conscious of this, of course, and will vehemently claim that you do not want pain. But look closely and you will discover that your thinking and behaviour are designed to keep the pain going, for yourself and others. If you were truly conscious of it, the pattern would dissolve, for to want more pain is insanity, and nobody is consciously insane. Eckhart Tolle 

She reached the pinnacle of what others in this small community would refer to as "outer world success" after creating the perfect persona, the perfect mask. Keeping up with this persona meant she had to numb the pain, keep it down and away from conscious awareness.  She began using everything and anything she could to do that. Then she fell all the way down to the bottom, falling hard smashing the mask to pieces.  All armour was gone. There was the pain waiting to be recognized and experienced. It was a perfect time for true healing....but she couldn't go there. She still couldn't face it. So, she then began trying to redeem herself in society's eyes. That only went so far. She also relives the glory days when she had everyone's love and devotion as she continues to numb the pain even more. 

She got cancer. That became the most perfect redemption for her. People seemed, in her eyes, to stop judging her for her fall, and pitied her instead.  She was lifted up to that pinnacle again. She recovered from cancer and that was awful for her "pain body". She lost some of the support and attention she depended on. She felt desperate to keep it up. So, from that point on she began creating the illusion that she still had cancer and seeking anything out there that would give her that attention back. Her body was deteriorating because of what she was doing to it, and because of the trauma she wouldn't face.  She spent many days in and out of hospital seeking a validation and support her persona so desperately needed to be maintained. Her body is truly sick in many ways. For a long time, she got attention and support for her body's complaints, and she still does but when others started realizing and pointing to the reality that most of her physical complaints were related to the substance abuse not a cancer...she freaked. That was too much for her. She locked herself up in a little room and began self destructing at a higher and faster level. 

She ended up in CCU on a ventilator for aspiration pneumonia. She got the attention back. She was temporarily redeemed...which meant she was pulled away once again from having to deal with the stuffed pain and shame screaming at her to deal with. She refused to deal with the fact that she put herself there in that CCU bed and instead told others, in an attempt to convince herself, it was COVID. If anyone...anyone dare try to pierce this veil of untruths she wore for protection...her pain body would attack in anyway it knew how. 

I like truth and I like to share truth.  I shared what I was seeing from the very beginning of our relationship. She hated that.  So, being the brilliant mind she is, her "pain body" in an attempt to keep protecting her from her own pain, figured out how to punish me again and again in a way it knew would hurt.  She somehow recognized my own shame-based personality that needed redemption. When her personality needed a boost or something from me she fed my personality, she redeemed my personality with compliments and praise and questions about my own well being (she could seldom stay focused on 'other' very long). And when my personality was in her way she pushed it away. She played with my guilt. She told others and sometimes me, how I never did enough for her. She had others believe I was nothing but a "b*&^%" to her. She would tell others and me at times how I was never supporting her. No matter what I did...as soon as truth threatened to put a hole in her persona...I became the bad guy.  

Sometimes, I handle her and her behaviour like a pro. Most times, however, I do not have the strength not to own what her pain body does. I get sucked into believing I am the bad guy. Sigh! Though, I recognize how much pain she is enduring; though I truly, truly want her to be well and happy; and though I really, really want to help, I can't be around her for very long. She triggers what is left of my "me" in a way so few do. No other "me" could survive around her for very long. She takes up all the air. I feel like I am suffocating as it is, I go into full asphyxiation when I am with her, especially in times of drama. Sigh! So, I decided to remain cool and distant and yes...probably cold. I own that. I want to get rid of me yes...but I don't think I need her drama in order to do that. 

Our job, as souls on this mortal journey, is to shift the seat of our identity from the ego to the Self. That's it. Stephen Pressfield

And I still worry, sadly enough, about what others think when it comes to the stories she told and find myself trying to redeem myself from them. I do not speak my truth by saying, "No. I can't go over and sit with her because it is detrimental to my own health and healing. Sigh! 

Anyway, long story to say...as I pulled into her place seeing the cop cars and ambulances parked outside her door...I did not want to be there. I certainly jumped out of the car fast but once I seen her sitting there talking to the ambulance attendants. I just felt a mixture of feelings: relief, guilt for taking so long to get over, the shame, anger, and resentment that once again her "me" outtrumped my "me".  I knew there was no room for whatever is going on with this "me" when dealing with her "me."  So, I took an inward sigh; said to myself "Suck it up buttercup!" and sat down to endure a three hour talk on how I and the rest of the world were not supporting her enough. 

And that is what I did for three and a half hours. I left when her friend came, only to return 3 hours later when she lost control. Wasn't pretty. Her poor friend was distraught. I was more concerned about her than I was for my loved one now being carried off in a police vehicle.

This "me",squished a bit into puniness, but still very reactive would not let this body and mind settle for hours afterwards. I realized I was thrashing around in the drama again.One blessing came from all this, though. I never had too much time to think about my own little mouth problem. 

A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking. In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever. Eckhart Tolle

All is well!

Concealing Wounds That Have Not Healed

 

It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed.

Horace

Face and jaw increasingly sore.  So is the palate area behind my teeth. It hurts to smile. Radiating to the ear. I woke up to this pain at 4 am and I automatically heard my ego saying, "This is crazy!How many people would this happen to?  Who, with a valve issue, waits up to six months with an infection like this in their mouth? Who gets wisdom teeth extracted that do not need to get extracted in hope of fixing a problem they are not even the cause of? Just you...you are the common denominator. How are you going to wait another 2 months with this infection? That just seems so bizarre.You are always waiting when it comes to seeking help for the body, aren't ya? Crazy things are always happening that prevent you from getting the help in a timely way. You must deserve it somehow...they must know you deserve it...it must be part of your karma for some shameful thing you did, are, or was. You  just don't deserve help and support when it comes to this body....or anything really. Remember how you were treated after the incident that took your family to court the other day . "Well you were not hurt. Are you sure you want to file for "no contact".  He is really remorseful and just wants to come home" (this from more than one system...even after the representatives were reminded that this was never his home and all you were seeking was safety and some type of protection (you didn't have a door anymore to hide behind after he knocked it down), as well as  trauma support for the kids.  Can't you see you are on your own. You'll never get the support you need.  You might as well just give up trying! Suck it up buttercup! That "it". of course is everything in your life. 

Boom! Boom!  Boom! 

There was Ego, at 4 in the morning,  knocking me around until I landed close to that big hole  I discovered in me  the other day, the one that was once hidden by all my previous defense mechanisms (falsely concealing many, many unhealed wounds). I felt that thing I noticed inside that day too...that dark, heavy cloud of shame swirling around and coming up to the surface. I was determined not to run away. I recalled voices and messages from my past trying to pull me down into this hole with detail and story....so many similar stories from the most recent shame experience  to the original wounding. I could see how shame was wrapped around almost every expereince in my life.  So much stuffed and stored pain in each memory that wanted to pull me along. So many voices, including my own, saying terrible things about this human I call "me". So many shadows doing awful things.  I felt the churning and swirling in my gut. It was awful at the same time I knew it was an opportunity. 

An opportunity, crazy lady?

This, I knew, was an opportunity for healing. I just took a deep breath and said , "No! I don't need to go there into story detail.  I just need to focus on this experience of shame that is rising up. I just need to feel the pain, not relive every story. It feels like crap! It is so dark and heavy but I need it to come up.  I need this dark swirling energy out of me. This trigger of pain I am experiencing in my face right now is helping to activate a shame cycle. That is a good thing. I won't run away and I won't let shame control me from the shadows.  I am calling it up." 

So I sat up to meditate. I sat with this experience.  I imagined myself sitting across from this swirling energy I tried to personify into a cartoon figure , making it less threatening...I pictured leaning forward in attentive listening mode on a chair across from this smokey flamey little entity that grew and shrank and grew again as it sat across from me in another chair. I pictured it in closed posture with little flamey arms crossed over its chest and its little smokey/flamey legs crossed as it leaned back away from me, rolling its smokey eyes, with a look of contempt and disdain on its face. It was angry that I pulled it up out of hiding. It was trying to intimidate me.  I remained kind and patient and compassionate with it, explaining that I knew it was only doing what it knew to do. I took responsibility for the way it turned out. I told it that I allowed my pain to become it and that it wasn't the monster I feared it was...it is just a very confused emotional energy that I allowed to hide for much longer than was good for either of us. 

I told it the very same same thing I told my crying and temper tantruming grandson the other day, "I hear and understand you are sad and frustrated right now because you cannot get what you want. Your feelings are very real and okay.  Cry if you need to. That crying will not work, however, in getting you the thing you think you want. I will just be over here when you feel you need a hug or decide you want to play with your cousins and I." My grandson  didn't get what he wanted but he didn't get reprimanded for feeling the way he felt either.  It didn't take long before he was running around and laughing with his cousins.

I am determined that this shame  isn't going to get what it wants any more- power and control over my life while it hides in the shadows.  I am confronting it. I will be compassionate with it but I will do my best not to get sucked into it. I will let it swirl and scream and cry on its own until it is done. I will do my best not to let its behaviour intimindate me anymore. I will not punish it or reprimand it for being where it is either. Sigh. It isn't easy but I am determined.

So, I sat with this and I did my best to breathe and relax into it.  What I was confronting was a vague collection of many things.  I kept pulling myself away from story and detail when it grabbed me and went back to relaxing with this smokey flame entity before me, "Just shame finally out of hiding"...I told myself over and over.  "Just shame."

Long ramble I know...but it helped me to write down these "experimental attempts and findings". I hope it helps someone besides this little "me" too. 

Now, what about the dental problem? Do I listen to ego who says, "Just suck it up"? No, I don't think so.  I can get another opinion. Maybe, waiting two months is not the best course of action. Or maybe it is the only option. I truly do not know.  Yeah, I can try to get another opinion. And I say that without any  "judgemental victim" in me (or at least I hope I do.) If a mistake was made, it is not my intention to make someone pay for it.  I can even understand how easy it would be to make such an error considering the way I deal with pain. I just do not want to end up with complications that could be avoided. I want to move forward through the shame, instead of retreat back to doing nothing because of it. I am ultimately responsible for this body. Sigh!

All is well.

Repeated Lessons

 Lessons in Life will be repeated until they are learned.

Frank Sonneburg

I deleted a big long spiel I wrote this morning about the rough day this human I call "me" experienced yesterday. We had to go to court as witnesses to the assault on our family in October 23...brought back lots of memories for all.  It was not pleasant. And I also had a dental visit that left me frustrated and fearing the finacial implication.  An infection that brought me to the dentist in April is still active despite all I had done...We realize now the surgery didn't address the original problem. So, this infection I "shouldn't have in my mouth for more than a couple of weeks"...has been festering for three months. My jaw is getting increasingly sore ...anyway...looks like I have to wait another two months and it will cost me more than the dental surgery did.  It will be out of pocket, as well, because I reached my max in insurance. That will hurt me financially more than I dare to even imagine. I can tolerate the discomfort in my mouth but I am concerned about the jaw and facial discomfort.  I am also concerned about the possibility of an IE because of my valve issue. Sigh! What am I to do? 

Suck it up buttercup.

Anyway...I did write a big story because I woke up at five with those types of thoughts on my mind. Mind was saying, "Listen to me...See how unlucky you are. You are meant to be challenged to get the appropriate and timely help for body issues.  You are meant to be challenged when it comes to money. You are meant to be challenged when it comes to keeping your family well and safe."

 I can't help but think I am riding some type of karmic waves.  One for health seeking; one for money; one for having to witness the suffering of loved ones. Repeated over and over again. Anyway, it is what it is.  Part of me ...for the most part...is just watching this "human I call 'me'" go through these experiences and this part is curious and finding it all interesting, "I wonder what will happen next?"

 Then there is another part of me that keeps getting sucked into the drama to the point that it is all it sees, to the point it  becomes the character with the sore face and dental problem it is having a hard time solving, it becomes the character dealing with a PTSD trigger in my family, it becomes the character that is broke and worried about having the money to pay for the most basic things let alone another dental procedure. Crap!  

As soon as I catch myself here...I pull away from what I have been staring at.  I remove the costume and I remind myself it all just an act I am playing. I remind myself that though the body is very important in this experience and it is my job to look after it...I am not the body. I am the being watching the human experience these body issues.  I am the being experiencing this human worry about money.  I am the being observing myself and family rsit in court and relive that scary night. Then I hear myself..."Oh these types of situations keep repeating for a reason.  I do not have to understand it. I just have to observe and experience it. I am kind of curious about what I will learn from this."

All is well. 

Wisdom from a Wise Teacher

 

Going to share what I learned today from Singer's podcast. Yes...I am copyig what I heard because I couldn't say it any better if I wanted to lol...And yes, I do listen to him a lot and I share his teachings a lot...After the question I answered on the You tube channel, I am getting paranoid lol. He is not my guru. I just really appreciate what he has to say. I see him as a wise teacher who appreaciates Yoga as much as I do. 

(Note some of these will be paraphrased rather than directly quoted).

You are not your mind, you have a mind

Consciousness is addicted to the personal mind so it is not that easy to step out of...

"I have a mind and it says different things at different times." [...is a good starting place]

Realize that you are noticing your mind....[ is another starting place]

"My job is not to change it, not to figure it out, not to be mad at it, not to say this part is spiritual and this part isn't. My job is can I sit in here and be okay with what it says....Can I be okay no matter what the mind says?"  [Good question to ask self]

You are not going to stop the mind...

Use your analytical mind to examine and observe the personal mind

[ but don't analyze or get lost in story, thoughts, or emotions...just be aware of what personal mind is doing...]

Stay back here and notice...

Get to know the unknown...

Mind is not worth listening to...lean away from the direction of your mind

All is well!

Michael A Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( July 7, 2025) Release the Meaningless Moments that Create Personal Mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYIipW3pnzg&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Sanskrit Terminology and Purification

 All the problems in the world are due to the fact that people are not okay inside...

If you keep stuff in there it is going to ruin your life ...it is going to block your energy flow and you are going to suffer...

Michael A. Singer

Yes! I am quoting Michael Singer again lol. I just like the way he explains things that already make so much sense to me. His teachings are right where I am at in my learning. So, it really hits home.

He often says that we are not okay inside because we  supress -stuffed and stored -painful emotional energy related to events we had a hard time dealing with.  We have therefore blocked the energy flow of shakti. We do not feel the joy that comes from inside (on the other side of this blockage) because we blocked it. The greatest life goal we can undertake then...the greatest yogic goal...is to purify, get rid of those blockages. Hmm!

Is this idea new to Singer's teaching?  

No! It comes from ancient yogic teachings as Singer explains again and again.

Sanskrit Words Related to Purification

I am going to introduce you to some cool sounding words related to this idea of stuffing and storing, blocking our energy. These words are in the ancient language of yoga: Sanskrit.  I have learned these words from studying "The Yoga Sutures of Patanjali" translated and interpreted by Swami Satchidananda. I loved this book when I first read it. I loved the message. Satchidananda, I discovered later, despite his eloquent name which comes from 'Sat Chit Ananada' given to him by his guru Sivananda Saraswati, might not have been the perfect messenger for the beautiful, life enhancing message. He had several counts of allegations against him for sexual abuse and many state that his ashrams had cult-like tendencies. Sigh! Discovering this has reinforced my rational or irrational (not sure which) caution when it comes to gurus and my obsession with cults. 

Anyway, despite that, I love the way he used words and explained the meaning of Sanskrit words in context to yogic philosophy...which includes purification from samskaras. 

Please note I do not get the sanskrit alphabet on this computer so it will appear that the words are lacking accents and other symbols. 

Purification

Let's start with purification and what it does for us.

Mana eva manusyanam karanam bandha moksayoh.

This beautiful Sanskrit expression translates into "As the mind so the person; bondage or liberation are in your own mind." page 5

Purification sets us free from the prisons we are in. What are we imprisoned by? The disturbances we add to our minds. 

Yogas citti vritti nirodhah.

Yoga is restraint of modifications of the mind-stuff. page 3

What exactly is in our mind?  Citta- the mind or mind field which is innately undisturbed and peaceful...like a clear lake. Vrittis- modifications of the mind's peaceful state (ripples on the lake) including ahamkara which is the ego or "I" feeling; the buddhi which is the intellectual mind and the manas which is the desiring part of the mind.  Citta vrttis then means modifications of the mind-stuff that disturbs peace.  Yoga is all about stilling that lake, returning it to peace by restraining (nirodhah)the modifications that stir up the mind. 

These vrittis are desire, the need for and attachment to conceptual knowledge, and an ego focus (pulling the mind into the "little me" focus). 

Purification, then, is getting rid of these disturbances...cleansing the mind of them.

Let's look more into these disturbances, these blockages that cause so many ripples; that prevent the mind from being still in its purest form.

Samskaras and what we tend to do with them

Samskaras are stored mental impressions and memories that we have stuffed inside. In Book 1-16 Satchidananda refers to them as unhealthy habits we may desire returning to. From there he describes what we tend to do with the rising of samskaras.

We supress and repress which in Sanskrit is narodha parinamah. 

"The impressions which normally arise are made to disappear by the appearance of suppressive efforts, which in turn creates new modifications. The conmoment of conjunction of mind and new modification is narodha parinamah." 

" The flow of nirodha parinamah becomes steady thought habit." pg 169

Say what crazy lady?

The more we push down, the more we create "problems" for the mind. We create more mental modifications and ripples on what should be still, clear, and peaceful. The concentration, the thinking component of the mind (of consciousness) gets drawn down into these disturbances we created. Our focus, "the steady thought stream", goes to not disturbing the samskaras inside. We get so distracted by the mess we made, we do not see the clear mind beneath it.  We do not feel what Singer calls shakti flow and what Satchidananda refers to as prana and Kundalini (which are both manifestations of the divine creative force of shakti).

 Prana is the cosmic force without which nothing moves of functions, page 149

God is even more sensible and has given us a reserve tank that is hundreds of times greater than what we use normally.  This is called Kundalini or the "coiled force." 

He goes on to warn us about trying to rouse the Kundalini prematurely when we are not yet prepared to handle that energy flow. He assures that it will open on its own at the proper time. " At the proper time, this reserve is released automatically. One shouldn't awaken it prematurely by practicing difficult or violent breathing exercises."...149

So, we have samskaras, stored mental impressions, because we suppressed and repressed at the bidding of our mental modifications: ego, desire, and intellect. Then this samskara protection creates even bigger problems and that becomes our focus. We made a mess inside. How do we avoid adding to this mess and how do we  clean up= purify? 

Abhyasa vairagyabhyam tannirodhah...page 18 These mental modifications are restrained by practice and non-attachment.

Vairagya is non-attachment. This word actually means "colorless". This is where Singer's idea of "preference" being the cause of all our problems and Buddhas Second Noble Truth comes into play. If something is colorless it is neutral, it doesn't create desire. 

Most of are bound by our mayas: desires... always craving and seeking, grasping and clinging for things we desire from the outside world. Satchidananda tells us as practicing yogis...learning to detach from these things is more important than our sadhanas. "Every desire binds you and brings restlessness. " He goes on to say that we cannot be free from desire all together, but we can be free from personal and selfish desire. 

Unlike Singer, he talks a lot about the joy of renouncing everything. I get tripped up by Satchidananda's words here: 'The more you serve, the more happiness you enjoy.' knowing full well that if those allegations are true, he didn't really renounce anything, did he? He made others renounce and "serve" him in unwholesome ways.  Anyway, Singer teaches that renouncing everything is often equivalent to supressing and repressing in an unhealthy way. Maybe, at one point in his spiritual life, Satchidananda truly set out to authentically renounce his participation in certain acts but he "supressed" instead which led to a whole lot of problems in the long run.  IDK how these leaders with such life enhancing messages can get lost in such deviant acts. 

Anyway, this is what came out of me today. It is good to know, though, regardless of what language it comes to you in, that we really do not need to do much to purify except be willing to let it happen. 

The world is perfect. It will unfold in just the right order. 

The stuff will be brought up just in accordance of what you are capable of letting go of 

Keep letting go...

Michael Singer

All is well. 

Michael Singer/ Contemplative Minds (June, 2025) Spirituality-Releasing the Root Cause of Inner Disturbance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88tL7vUgocs

Satchidananda (2011) The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Yogaville: Integral Publications

Facing the Ultimate Samskara

Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering....

Trauma is a fact of life. It doesn't, however, have to be a life sentence.

Peter Levine

Even though I have been gradually moving away from hope's confusing trance for quite some time now, I always start the summer all 'hopeful' for months of fun, excitement, and rest. By the time July hits, however, I suddenly 'remember' how hard Summer is on this body and therefore this mind. Humidity just wipes me of my physical oompf. Though it happens every single summer, it surprises me to realize how heavy outside and inside I feel because of it. 

When your body is healthy you never have to think about it. When you are healthy mentally you are free to enjoy every moment of life. Michael Singer

I do not enjoy every moment of Life in the summer months. I do not experience joy, excitement, or rest because hope like the light air in a balloon dissipates in this humid atmosphere and this "me" that was the casing holding hope inside also deflates. I feel myself shrinking, shrinking, and shrinking, involuting into myself. I literally feel the heavy weight around me just squishing it all in. What humidity is really doing is taking me to the core by eliminating the remaining hope that keeps me from my center. This pressure takes me to this thing within my core I have been running from, that which needs to be released. 

There is nothing affecting your inner state but you. Michael A. Singer

This morning I woke up and I had the full experience of it for the first time. What is the "it" that made itself known? It was that which I was burying for years; that which I was protecting from triggers; that which I was running from through constant busy thought and activity; that which was hidden by layers and layers of hope for something different; and that which I didn't dare look at or think about let alone "touch" and "experience. " Suddenly there it was, staring up at me. I seen it...I felt it...I experienced it. 

"Oh My God...that is what is inside me?" 

It seemed so unbelievable.

What we can change inwardly, will change our reality. Plutarch (Platonist Philosopher and author of "Parallel Lives".) 

 It was so deep and dark. My psychology-oreinted mind deemed it as overwhelming sadness, grief, and hopelessness that was heavy and all consuming, like some deep sink hole that wanted to pull me all the way in.  I mean, I was always sinking into it but in my resistance, I was thrashing around so much I managed to stay on the surface of it. I was able to keep my head -my mind- up and away from it so I didn't have to see what was pulling me down. This morning, however, I looked down and I seen it. I just shook my head in surprise upon realizing that amount of darkness was inside me. My thought was, "I never thought I was that sick and sad; that broken." 

Wounds don't heal the way you want them to; they heal the way they need to. Dele Olanubi

I reflexively looked away, but it was too late.  I had already seen, felt, experienced what was there in my core...like a malignant tumour. There was no going back from that. I had to move forward on this healing journey.

After a failed attempt at resistance, I settled into the reality that this malignancy was there inside me. I felt exactly where it was in my body. 

The body remembers. Stuffed until an event, a sound, a sight, a touch, a word, or a person awakens them. Unknown

Gradually, I came to terms with that fact that I was exactly where I have to be: experiencing it. No more hiding it, no more running from it, no more distracting from it. I have to see it.  I have to touch it.  I have to acknowledge it.  And, I have to allow it, even appreciate it and honor it?  (Or at least appreciate the experience of finally being at the point of this excavation process where I can see what is really there in the form of my biggest, most life-shrinking samskara.) 

On a positive note...I see now how I have come so far in this purification process. This samskara was once buried under so many layers and now I have (or Life has) dug right down to it. It is obvious to me that I have released so much of the pain and distraction that was once stuffed and stored on top of this thing. I have unburied it so it can begin its release.

We dig a well and create a huge pit. The space in the well or pit has not been created by us. We have just removed the earth that was filling the space there. The space was there then, and it is also there now. Similarly we just have to throw out all the age-long sanskaras (innate tendencies) which are inside us. When all of them have been given up, the Self will shine alone. Ramana Maharshi

It is a doozie of a samskara, let me tell ya. It is kind of terrifying to even look at it. All the memories that formed it are not there, thank God.  I don't think they have to be. I just have to acknowledge this big ball of dark emotional energy that was controlling my life from the shadows for so very long. It is so big and overwhelming. The light on the other side of it was unable to come through in anything but trickles. So, in order to survive in this darkness, I focused on building a house, a world of pseudo happiness with artificial lighting, on top of its sand. What I experienced to date as joy and love was only what this dim artificial light of hope offered and by looking outward to find the furnishings for this house I built.  It wasn't real. It wasn't strong enough to last.

But everyone who hears these words of mine but does not put them into practice is like the foolish man who built his house on sand. The rains came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 7: 26-27 NIV

Obviously, the true light beneath came through just enough to encourage me to begin this journey inward. I felt directed to tear down the house I built on sand and dig down into what was below it.  My learning is now telling me that I do not have to dig anymore...I do not have to reach down with an excavator to pull this thing up from the hole. I just have to be willing to allow it to make its own way up and out...to sit with it as it does that, to acknowledge it, to feel it, experience it, forgive it, honor it, embrace it, and let it go. I want it up and out of me.  I want it gone. I am willing to go through the pain of sitting with it until it is gone. Sigh!

I have put away my wish and hope for summer to distract me with adventure, excitement, and a special kind of rest.  I accept what it does to my body and mind.  I even appreciate it because I see now that it takes me inward to where I need to be. I am not so much focusing on getting to all the Shakti in the form of light and love that exists on the other side of the samskara I am facing.  I am just concentrating on healing, on facing this samskara and sitting with it...trusting that doing so will put an end to that which was determining my life to date. I just want the healing peace I somehow know freedom from this samskara will bring.

Experience, in and of itself, is your teacher...you are now holier than you were before because you experienced it. Michael A. Singer

So ...instead of habitually pulling away from this that I am now seeing I am preparing myself for a summer of sitting with it.  I begin with, "Hello pain...you have been hidden away in here for quite some time, haven't you? I apologize for stuffing you away for so long. I was just afraid. I didn't know how to cope with you. I am still not sure how, but I am willing to get to know you now, see you, hear you, experience you until you are ready to move on. I want to be holier than I was before, by finally experiencing you."  

All is well. 

Where did the quotes come from?

• Michael A. Singer/ Seats of Contemplation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJuLquvJ-y4
• declutter the mind: 100 + PTSD quotes to help survivors: https://declutterthemind.com/blog/ptsd-quotes
• AZ Quotes: Samskara Quotes: https://www.azquotes.com/quotes/topics/samskara.html
• bible gateway: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%207%3A24-27&version=NIV

Already Within

...according to the Advaita, this freedom is not to be attained, it is already ours. We only forget it and deny it. Perfection is not to be attained, it is already within us.  Immorality and bliss are not to be acquired, we possess them already; they have been ours all the time. 

Vivekananda

Advaita is a non dualistic school of thought that comes from Vedanta.  It proposes that the only and ultimate reality is Brahman and Brahman is the unchanging essence of all existence. 

What "freedom" is the above quote referring to?

Freedom from the limitations of body and mind. .

If you dare declare you are free, free you are this moment. If you say you are bound, bound you will remain.

All is well.

Vivekananda (n.d.) 2.6.4 Practical Vedanta : Part 4. Complete Works. Kindle

Removing Bandaids and Blockages

Life is a blockage removal process...you don't have to do anything.  Just don't resist.

 Michael A. Singer

When we first realize that this seeking to make okay by grasping, clinging, and pushing away the reality of life circumstance doesn't work...the magic elixer of hope becomes nothing but swamp water. Without hope which is like articifial lighting in comparison to the brilliance of the sun... everything suddenly seems dark and foreboding, the mess inside seems so much bigger and so much deeper. We have this realization of not okayness inside and we may feel we have no way out. (This is the 'dark night of the soul', often described as a very important part of spiritual growth.) 

"Reality sucks!! You mean I got to suffer like this...I have to live in this dark, heaviness hopelessness provides? " 

Yeah. but only until we tap into the brilliant sun within. 

What the Fork, crazy lady?

Getting to the point where we are willing to go without hope and the external bandaids we have been collecting over the years to fix and hide what is not okay inside is a process.  It takes a great deal of waking up and courage to get to the point where we are willing to face what we have been running away from all our lives and to go without  light for a while. It takes a great deal of committment to remove external coverings and go within.  Knowing that this light we have become so dependent on is an artificial, external light, nothing in comparison to the brilliant light of the sun...might help us to get to this point of removing bandaids.

Removing bandaids?   

Singer reminds us that we are "not okay" because of a lack of bandaids. He describes bandaids as being what we seek from the external world to make us feel okay inside: the perfect job, the perfect relationship, perfect financial abundance, perfect health, = the  perfect light. It is the hope of getting these things.  These bandaids are what we erronously assume are the solutions to our so called brokenness but they do nothing more than cover and constrict. They keep us from experiencing who we truly are. 

You are not okay because you are blocked 

You don't find God you keep working on removing the blockages that keep you from experiencing that you are God. 

Underneath the bandaids we have blockages inside that need to be removed. We really do not need to do anything but allow the brilliant light of God to melt all the exterior stuff away so we remember who we are.

When Singer started talking about bandaids I was  instantly reminded of a poem I wrote many years ago entitled " Ego Dressings"

Ego Dressings

We are told that we are broken,

and are instructed to look away

as “wound coverings”  are applied

so expertly

by Ego’s competent hands.

With what seems like loving patience,

it hides the wounds

that it, itself, has made.

 Plaster and  gauze

is applied

layer,

by layer,

by layer,

creating a thick

and life absorbing dressing

over who we really are.

It looks neat.

It looks secure.

It looks like it will protect,

our vulnerable flesh from

the dangerous world around us.

So we do not dare to peek at

what lay beneath,

at what we are told

by Ego’s hissing reprimands

is ugly and infected. 

 Yet the dressing is so tight

and restricting,

limiting our movement ,

preventing the life blood

from  turning our beings pink

with new growth,

making our bodies throb with pain,

while offering no hope of healing.

 

Something within tells us to

remove each layer…

though it stings to do so .

Something guides us to expose

the hidden flesh

to the air

that longs to caress it.

 

We gingerly push

Ego’s prying hands aside

and we remove the dressing

bit by bit,

piece by piece

 until what lay beneath can be seen,

until it can breathe,

until we can look down to  see

that no wounds were ever there.

 

“Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists.

Therein lies the peace of God.”

©Dale-Lyn 2018

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( July 3, 2025) Allowing Life to Remove Your Blockages. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEt3ZwjA2Po&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Copycat or Original Thinker

 

Are you copycatting Michael A. Singer? Is anything you share original?

That question came to my attention recently and it really made me think. Grateful for it.

It is true that I feel very connected to what Michael Singer has to say. I felt, for example, very connected to the teaching found in today's podcast: Allowing Life to Remove Your Blockages.  I always feel so in tune with his sharing.There are certain times I hear his message and it especially resonates with everything I "know" somehow to be true...the same things I have been sharing with others for years. It is almost like we sat down and collaborated before today's podcastlol.

I know...most people would say, "Well crazy lady, you certainly didn't collaborate with someone who sold over a million copies. You must have gotten all this stuff you write here from him.  He is the famous one. You are the copy cat, aren't you?" 

As for copycatting

Hmm...I hope not.  It is not my intention to copy anyone or take their work as my own.  I have too much integrity for that both in the lower and deeper motivations of this human I call "me". Though I so often share the teachings found in "his" podasts and books because they are wonderful, I cite what comes from him and what comes from others. If I am inspired by a podcast or reading in anyway, I always include the linked podcast below even if no citation was needed. 

Truth is, what he shares is something this "me" was already discovering through yoga and the study of other ancient wisdom traditions long before I knew of his existence. When I discovered "untethered soul", however, it was like a wonderful catalyst that took me farther along on my journey. I will always be grateful for that. I love the succint, contemporary, and pratical way he applies yoga to everyday Life.  I like to do the same. 

So, though he is probably the citation and reference you will see the most on these pages; though I feel so connected to the teaching he shares and the way he shares it that I listen every morning; and though I have so many "aha" moments listening...I am not copying him.  It isn't just my self preserving writer's ego saying that either.  

As for original thought

Aha moments are a remembering of what we always knew at the deepest level, not a learning of something new. Singer cued some of that remembering in me. I am so grateful. The wisdom he shares in his teachings, though, are not original...they come from the ancient wisdom of yoga and other traditions, just as mine do. (If I dare call what I share here: "teachings.") The deeper part of me knows that this wisdom he and I coincidentally share are universally a part of who we all are. It is already in each and every one of us. Most of the time it is dormant and asleep. We are not aware of it. That is,  until someone or something comes a long to cue us to "remember".  He helped me to remember so much more than I was remembering prior to reading, "untethered soul". I do appreciate and respect him for doing that.

Still, I am grandiose enough to think I am actually collaborating with him in some bizarre, unseen way.  I believe everyone who experiences an "aha" moment after tapping into this ancient wisdom in whatever form it presents itself begins to collaborate with the universe, in some kooky way, to get it out there. Sounds silly and delusional of this "me", maybe, to say that but that is what I believe.

So, the answer to both the above questions is "No".  No,  I don't think I am copycatting Michael Singer.  And no, I have no original thought...none of us do.

All is well. 

Guilt, Shame, Social Sanctions, and Judgement

 Our thoughts, our words, and deeds are the threads of the world we throw round ourselves, for good or for evil. Once we set in motion a certain power, we have to take the full consequences of it. This is the law of Karma.

Vivekananda

In keeping with the topic of guilt, shame, social sanctions, and judgement I have been a bit absorbed with lately...I read this last evening and felt compelled to share it here.  What this statement is basically saying is:...we do not need to shame, make guilty, or judge the behaviour of another...nor do we need to shame,  judge harshly or make ourselves guilty when we behave in a less than "socially expected" way. Yes, social sanctions are necessary to a great degree (thinking more of the legal and ethical sanctions that keep society's healthy) and yes, we need to take accountability for our actions...but, guilt, shame, and judgement are ego weapons that can do more harm than good.

 Leave it to Karma!  

 If you did not feel guilty you could not attack. It is the judgement of one mind by another as unworthy of love and deserving of punishment. But herein lies the split. For the mind that judges perecives itself as seperate from the mind being judged, believing that by punishing another, it will escape punishment

ACIM Test: Chapter 13: 1: 1-4

All is well.

Core Work

 Neither fear or desire will lead to a deep meaningful life.

Michale A. Singer

Most of us know that to be true in our core. Yet, we spend our lives serving these fears and desires, don't we? We do whatever we can to avoid fear-causing situations and we go on a mission of getting what we want from life.

Why?

Michael. A. Singer, in the below podcast, tells us we do this because we are "weak" inside at the core.  

Through his discussion, I  think of a "weak core" and how the body just falls out of alignment when the core is not strong.  We then need to use other muscle groups to work harder to compensate...and we end up with more pain, discomfort and  'self-inflicted' injury when we operate with a weak core. 

I see it this way: 

The "core" doesn't go away...it is always there and always strong...we just lose our awareness of it, we lose our mind/body connection to it because we are focusing away from it. The core never gets weak. We do, however, when we move away from it and start depending on those "external" and "superficial" muscles to hold us up. Most of us are "out of alignment"...disconnected somehow from our core so we end up living with the avoidance of fear and the seeking of wanted things as our compensentory strengthening. We are therefore seeking something to make us feel safer and more fulfilled. We go on an outward search for things we think will make us feel better (desires) and avoid or push away the things that make us feel worse (fear). We are not tall, strong, and flexible  like we are designed to be when we do this. We cannot move forward in the way we are menat to. We are rigid and at the same time our "life muscles" weak...We are at great risk of falling down and losing our ability to move forward. 

Singer tells us:

There is not a single thing that you will ever desire that will keep you satisfied for long

Fear and desire are very shallow...they are products of the psyche 

Do not motivate your life to the lowest part of your being

The solution to fear is not to satisfy it...

Fear and desire come from the same root.

You can not build your house on a foundation of fear and desire [and expect it to withstand teh forces of Life].

Devote yourself to getting beyond fear and desire. Make it your life work!

Getting beyond fear and shame has been my life work for a very long time. I even wrote a book about that ten years ago. (I am thinking of revamping it and offering access to it here, at some point...it does no good to anyone sitting in obscurity on my hard drive. :)) . Anyway, I have added the "getting beyond desire and attachment" to my life mission in later years once I too realized that nothing "out there" was going to keep this ego satisfied for long. 

So how does one get beyond fear and desire crazy lady?

Simple...you practice doing  core work.  You begin my remembering that you have a core and what that core does...it is the guiding force for posture and movement forward.  You make a committment to the practice required to reconnect to it so you get stronger. Then you become aware of what you are doing now by depending on superficial and external muscles.  You notice the suffering...the unquenched need for stability that using these superficial muscles  provide.  You notice the pain and the ill effects.  You see how "unskillful" it is. Next, you trace this discomfort and unmanaged dissatisfaction back to the root: fear and desire. Without supressing or repressing,  you take your attention off of  serving that and put it on the core. You observe the core. Then you work on getting the felt sensation of that core. You "feel" it. You experience how strong and all powerful it is....You begin to operate from there. Eventually, you realize you are stronger from the core than you could ever be serving fear and desire.

Hmm! 

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Seats of Contemplation ( June, 2025) Motivation-Replacing Fear and Desire with Love. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36v_f4niGjA

Happy Canada Day!!

 There are no limits to the majestic future that lies before the mighty expanse of Canada with its virile, aspiring, cultured and generous-hearted people.

Winston Churchill

I love this country I call my own though I have the internal knowing that all borders that make this country a nation, seperate from other nations, are man made and not really there. We are one world. 

I am, at the same time, proud of how this country has united and stood up for itself against the antics of a "bully" that wanted to take over the playground. 

That being said, I am not so proud of what it has done to the peoples who were here long before the "settlers" colonized. ( Not a fan of colonization!) Pride is redeemed by any attempts, even if they are not sufficient, made by this country at Truth and Reconcilliation. 

I love the diversity that makes this country a cultural mosaic rather than a melting pot. So many languages that tickle my ears.

I also love the abundant and diverse nature, wildlife, and beauty this country provides. I hope we learn to protect it a little better. 

Yeah....I lift my head up when this human I call "me" tells others, when travelling,  that she is from Canada

Yeah...it is a pretty cool country to be a part of.

All is well

Not Minding What the Body Does

Practice not minding!

Michael Singer

Isn't it cool to see how the word "mind" can be a verb? When personal mind is in the forefront of our experience, determining how we perceive and react to the world...we call that "minding." Our spiritual goal is to recognize when mind is driving and to have the deeper, wiser part of our Selves take over. We need to learn to "not mind" our way through Life events.

I am at the part of my sadhana where I have begun to use some of the more challenging things in Life as a part of my practice. I am practicing with what once brought a great deal of distress and reactivity to me, and I am learning to settle peacefully into these experiences. 

An Example of Not Minding

I woke up with chest pain...second bout in 24 hours. It was so hard to breathe.  So hard to think. So hard to experience anything but the pain. It was all consuming. It was definitely angina.  That meant, I knew, "I am in another cluster of coronary vasospasms". When I recognize it as such, I take the nitro through each attack of spasms ('attack' is a strong word) and it eventually works...maybe not the first shot but by the second or third it will subside. Then I will forget about the pain until the next bout...and there will be a next bout.  I know that.  I accept that.  

I no longer resist and freak out because of that reality.  I have learned to accept that I will have 2-3 days of these episodes...coming and going, ebbing and flowing in intensity. I sit with each bout.  I rest and do my best to breathe and relax through each spasm.  I observe and I experience. I take my nitro when it gets bad or lasts for more than a few moments. I take aspirin if I need to. I prepare myself for what I must do if the third shot of nitro doesn't work. I tell myself, "Yeah...this could be it. This might be how this body ends. Do what you are called to do to stay alive and leave the rest to God."  And I relax into the experience, waiting on what Life will do next. 

Then, just like that the bout will be gone; just like that, the cluster will be done for another couple of months (weeks in the summer). I won't think of it again until I once again feel that squeezing pain in my chest. And I begin the whole process again.

The humid Maritime Summer, I have discovered, is not my friend lol.  Every year, I forget about how summer weather impacts my health as I look forward to the approach of July. When my body starts to respond with this heaviness, this weakness, lethargy, and extra bouts of vasospasms I remember, "Oh yeah...this body doesn't like the humidity."  It is extra humid these days and with the little surgery I had done last week, the sedation, on top of all the 'normal stress' I experience, I am not overly surprised about this bout.

A Time of Reacting and Minding

I did not always react this calmly to this pain experience.  Knowing it was cardiac from the beginning, I "reacted" quite intensely at first running into emergency with tension and fear, asking and demanding that someone see and fix what I had going on.  It never quite worked out that way. I was seen as a young, fit, and active female, not a cardiac potential ...therefore it was decided it must be a "mental health" issue, not a physical one. Man...I was never the posterchild for mental health lol but this, I knew, was physical. Though there were some who also knew and supported me, most of the specialists didn't.  I went years and years and years without a diagnosis, and therefore without the support one with a diagnosis would get. 

I'm fairly smart when it comes to pathophysiology. I knew what I was dealing with from the begining. When my sisters got diagnosed with the same thing much later in life it validated what I was experiencing...at least for me, if no one else. I knew, early on, what it was. I told people what I thought it was. I knew what I had to do. I got the nitro and no matter what anyone else told me to the contrary...I knew.  I handled it. I also knew this "little mitral valve anomly" I had was also causing me issues.  I could literally hear both the click and the regurgitation without a stethoscope. Since the regurgitation was intermittent, not everyone heard it.  Some did...but most didn't. That too got dismissed as not being a potential source of my problem by many specialists. (Other specialists who caught the murmur, informed me I would likely need a valve repair in my sixties.) I also knew I was having arrhythmias...nasty ones. I could see my pulse on my sports watch going from 40 to 200 and back down to 30 for no apparent reason. (I recorded these fluctuations for posterity). I also saw it going up and down like crazy when I was in an atrial fib. That too got denied even when it showed up on cardiac screening. I began to faint. Even when I got rushed into ER by ambulance...I was too often sent home with a shrug of the shoulder and a referral to another specialist.  So, long story short. I didn't get the support I needed at first...medically or financially. 

I truly believed the thing I needed most in the world, back then, was a clear diagnosis. I kept syaing to myself and others, "My life would be better if ...I had a solid diagnosis." I craved one! I did whatever I could to get one! I resisted the way Life was playing out because of this experience of not having one... big time!! I was a closed, resistant, grasping mess for many, many years.

 I have the diagnosis' now...received by a cardiologist after one of many fainting bouts, but I don't need it anymore. I realize I never really needed it.  I am, however, because of it, on a 'miracle' medication that limits both the pulse fluctuatons and the vasospasms (if not totally) and I am so grateful. Throughout this whole experience lasting over 25 years between onset and appropriate treatment, I went from reacting in fear to learning that all I ever needed was already in me. I learned to take care of myself. I learned that reactivity and struggle to get validation and support for what was going on in the body was a struggle doing more harm than good, that it was not going to help get me what I really wanted and needed - peace.  

Once I established how to cope with the pain and keep the body alive for as long as I could, I stopped focusing on what the body was doing and began looking inward at the mind. The fear of a potential outcome to this health situation gently went away.  I began to relax into what was, instead of fearing what could be. I stopped minding when I gave the reins of this life back to Life and said, "Thy will, not my will, be done!"   I began to truly heal. 

I got to the point in this little life where I truly don't mind what is happening in this body.  I am actually kind of grateful for it because it was those symptoms and that challenging experience that took me inward where the only true healing can take place. Each and every bout took me closer to healing.  It allowed old samskaras to rise to the surface for release. 

"Get to the point where [you not only don't mind] but you like when it comes up."

I remember that, as I feel another bout emerging.  I am not sure I will ever "like" this pain experience lol but I do not mind them. I actually appreciate each and every one for the learning and growing potential they offer, for taking me closer to the peace that I truly want and need.

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (June 30, 2025) How to Stop Minding and Start Living. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZXUW2C3ARc

Overrun by Ladybug Bots

 Learn to love a few pests in your garden. They feed the beneficial predators, creating harmony and balance in the food chain.

Anne Gibson, the Micro Gardner

If this what I do here, is a peony rose, it is being eaten by ladybugs....thousands and thousands of ladybugs. They keep multiplying. The blog stats are showing 30,000 users in 29 days . According to Google I had in the one and two digit category for the month lol. I thought,"Well at least a few are reading". Then I noticed today a zero engagement time going down the list. 

I am not sure if these bots are actually eating up this thing I am trying to quietly grow, if they are harming it all, but man...it is so funny to watch how ego actually pops in to get fed by this "lie of abundance" even though it knows it isn't real. This human I call "me" was actually getting fed by the numbers for a while. It is all so silly...so very silly. 

Maybe it is time to private and print what I have written.  I don't know.

All is well

From self-Esteem to Self-Worth

 Transcendence refers to the very highest and most inclusive or holistic levels of human consciousness, behaving and relating, as ends rather than means, to oneself, to significant others, to human beings in general, to other species, to nature, and to the cosmos.

Abraham Maslow

Hmm! Do you see the evolutionary expansion of consciousness in that quote above? Can you see how the focus expands from relating to the needs of a "little me", to others...than to humans at large, from there to all beings, to nature, and finally to the universe as one? That's yoga. Who would have thought Maslow was a yogi?

Most of us wouldn't consider this "transcendence" as part of the pyramid we might have studied or found ourselves scurrying up. Abraham Maslow, a brilliant humanistic psychologist and anthropologist, devised a hierarchy of needs in his early work. Others have taken those ideas and comprised them in a 5 tiered  pyramid. The pyramid, from bottom to top, looks like this: 1. Basic physiological needs( the needs of the body: food, water, rest, etc.); 2. Safety and security needs (shelter, freedom from violence and physical harm); 3. Love and belonging needs (nurturing, fitting in, being a part of the pack, a sense of being loved and cared for); 4. Esteem needs( respect from others based on status, recognition, prestige, fame and attention, leading to confidence ) and 5. Self-actualization needs (the achievement of 'success' in socially ascribed  roles: Getting a partner, having kids, development of certain talents and abilities that set us apart from others, career; and finally, the pursuit and acheivement of socially approved goals). 

Hmm! It is obviously based on the building and protection of the human body and personality. For that reason, I often had a very challenging time with that pyramid, especially after I began to wake up from that way of being I was once overly attached to. I had a particularly hard time with the fourth tier: Esteem. I can relate my idea of the "redeemer ego" to this tier.  Isn't that what we do with self-esteem building? Build Redeemer egos that others will respect and approve of? Isn't it this approval that allows us to move onto the earlier definition of self-actualization? (Notice that self has a lower case 's').

This esteem building and therefore 'self' building is very comparative, depending on where we rank with others on society's scale of judgement. Yet, this is what most of us ascribe to- seeking this 'esteem' so we can move on to self-actualization by being as "good as" or "better than" others.  The top of this pyramid, we tell ourselves, must be the pinnacle of mental and social health and we pursue it. 

This model, obviously feeds and builds an ego...the psyche, the personality and not the soul. The actualization is of the little 'self', the ego

Few people know, however, that Maslow revisited and revised this model in his later years when he himself began to wake up a bit. He self criticized his earlier perspectives and began to see a little deeper beyond the self to the Self, beyond self-esteem to Self-worth. He saw how we could transcend into a non-comparative relationship with all! 

Many of us would fail miserably on Maslow's earlier criteria.  We would have a hard time pulling ourselves up to the proverbial self-actualization peak. In comparison to others, we would fall short.  I know I would!  I certainly didn't get the esteem and respect from others I sought out to get. I certainly didn't meet the social expectations I set myself against! Despite all my effort to gain "outer world" esteem so I could redeem this "little me", even despite the things I did achieve...I found myself, like some cartoon figure, sliding down the side of the pyramid with nails screeching all the way to the bottom....again and again and again.

When I look beyond self esteem to true Self-worth, my new polestar at the top of another pyramid, I slide down a little less. Thanks to Eckhart Tolle, I am reminded of how my so-called failures to maintain Esteem and self-actualization according to the old model are helping me to gain success according to the new model. 

Awaken to your essence identity...the only true success (all those failures you suddenly realize brought you to the point of awakening...It was all good...It all makes sense...obviously you needed it to awaken...that is success...not what the world tells you. ET

There is always so much challenge in this sense of not measuring up to some social standard, isn't there? We fail to realize, however, that challenge can be the stepping stone needed to take us to the only success that truly matters.

True self worth is not comparative at all.  It comes directly from the being that you are...the sacredness of Life itself. 

Eckhart Tolle

All is well

Eckhart Tolle (June, 2025) Being the Space of Awareness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ttj9sKOROeE

Wikepedia (n.d. ) Maslow's heirarchy of needs. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

Have Fun Now!

 "I will be happy when"...and "I would be happy if..."

Sadhvi Bhagawati Saraswati

I listened to Sadhvi Bhagawati Saraswati be interviewed on the Ranveer Show last evening. She shared the two answers she  received after asking several affluent and succssful Americans if they were happy,

That really made me think.  It is so true that the common idea of happiness is based on conditionality, on an, "If things out there are exactly like I imagine them to be, if they match the checklist I made up in my mind about how Life should be then I will be be happy.  If they do not match then that is the reason I am not happy." 

She also shared that her Guru asked her after she shared her childhood trauma and her subsequent suffering with him, "How long are you going to hold onto that? When will you let it go? On your death bed? A week before your die? A month? "

We identify with our past, especially if it was painful and we cling to it as a part of who we are. Her Guru was telling her we do not have to do that...we are not our past. Infact, we are in completely different bodies than we were in when those traumas occurred. (Cells go through a process of dying off called aptosis and then regenerate. Our bodies are completely changing all the time.) We are not our stories, either. She shared that once she let go of her story to the Ganga she had the experience of giving up her identity (her psyche, her little "me" ness.) She was freed. 

I told myself I was going to write about those ideas today after I listened to Michael Singer.  What did I happen to hear from my chosen podacast this morning?

It doesn't stop.  Unless you do something about it you are going to be neurotic for the rest of your life. 

It was kind of serendipitous that I landed on this podcast today when I had all the above thoughts in my head. This is what I picked up from the podcast. Some of it might be paraphrased.

You having fun yet?

The question isn't if you are going to die...you are...the question is...why are you not having fun now...

Your Life is yours...if you are not careful you will miss it...

You have to decide that you are going to enjoy the Life you have. [not change, fix, and make life the way you want]

Wake up in the morning and be happy that you are still alive. 

Start with appreciation...start by appreciating the body...thank it...

I end every yoga class with "Thank your body for doing an amazing job today" 

[So much beauty and magic in this world] yet we  tend toward the negative...[we fail to see the blessings and good things.]

Look at how miraculous it all is...

Life is not difficult...it is a complete gift you have been given and you do not even have to pedal.

Look at how miraculous it is: We can make noises with our vocal chords so that others understand the meaning of those noises...We  have the dexterity and mental coordination to put keys into little shapes to open doors. We can get into vehicles that humans invented and designed with their brilliant minds, and drive around the country...

We get to meet and get to know  a select few of the 8.5 billion ppl out there and form relationships.We should appreciate and be in awe of that, right? Do we spend our time in the joy of just getting to know someone?

No...instead of getting to know these people we judge and compare them againt a checklist of expectations and wants we made up in our minds i.e. "a friend should be like this; a son should be like that; a mother whould be like this; a husband should be like that" etc. We make up a life in our head and we compare reality against that.  Too often reality falls short on our check off lists. 

Work with yourself to raise your Self.

Remember, "joy and love is my repsonsibility."

Play...have fun...raise yourself with your Self.

Be perpetually present.

[Get to the point ]where the only thing you have to do with your life is share it...

Rise above your negativity.

Hmm! All is well.

Beer Biceps ( June, 2025) Standford Scientist Who Gave Up PHd for Indian Spirituality-Sadhvi Bhagwati.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKnCfr5nshM

Michael Singer/Seats of Contemplation (June, 2025) Doing the Inner Work to Raise Yourself and Appreciate Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCPjED6aL9g

Not Attached to Outcome when Growing a Perfect Rose

 "I really wasn't trying to win the stupid prize...I was just trying to grow a perfect rose."

Michael Singer

Those lines came from Michael Singer's podcast today.  He was using an analogy of how a competitive gardner might approach becoming aware of an imperfection on a rose he/she/they were about to show. The imperfection is there...there is nothing one can do about it but accept ...it just is. The growth comes when we approach the next project with this non-attachment to outcome and we simply enjoy the challenge of growing a perfect rose. Then when the time come sto show and we see the imperfection that disqualifies us we can answer in the above way. We stay free from disturbance. Hmm!

I am trying to grow a perfect rose in the form of my writing. I am challenged and I love the challenge.  I come here to share some valuable learning and I do what I can to fertilize it, water it, give it the right amount of sun, and to make sure the ladybugs are gently removed before they do damage. Sure, I show it ( publish it) but I am not waiting for a blue ribbon. It would be really cool if someone read what I wrote  and said, "Yeah! I get it, crazy lady.  I get what you are sharing." But I don't hold my breath waiting for that.  I am too busy writing. :) 

The blogger stats are telling me that I have had 32,000+ readers/hits/ or whatever you call that which gets registered on the stats page this month so far. Google's numbers, though increased and steady, are much, much lower. I am very happy with Google's numbers. I think it is registering actual and consistent readership.  That is what I "hoped" for when I started...to reach at least one person who might benefit from what I have to offer.  Once I started, however, I put away all attachment to outcome and just got lost in the process. I write whether the stats are showing 32,000 readers/month or 32 or even 3.  

Not sure if the 32,000 is a ladybug infestation on my rose garden lol or simply harmless bot clicks. It doesn't matter, I guess. I keep writing and wondering what Life is going to unfold in front of this human writer I call "me" next. 

It is all so good.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True ( June 26, 2025) Freedom from Preference: The Evolution of Caring. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA2y3L5laqI