Life is a succession of lessons that must be lived to be understood.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Saying goodbye to a tooth later on today. I have mixed feelings. I am so appreciative of finally getting to the end of this "strange tale of truth and tooth", and for the dentist helping me out. I will be so glad to have the infection out of my mouth at last so there are no more antibiotics in my future...at least for a while. (I tend to get a pneumonia in late fall, early winter...sigh). My gut is thankful lol. I am also apprehensive. I am vain enough to worry about how a missing tooth will impact my smile...one physical attribute that I appreciate in this body. This smile somehow allows the light in me that isn't all snagged up in "my stuff" to free flow and shine through. Will I be able to get past my ego to smile anyway? Regardless, just another lesson from the universe I suppose.
Hey, universe...are you this hard on all the other students in the class?
Yeah...that crossed my mind: this idea that the Universe was picking on me. My energy is down...life circumstances seem heavy and weighing down on this human I call "me". I just found out that I will not be returning to the little job I invested so much in over the last two years. It might even be an end to my aspirations to go further helping with EAL. What I created and offered, I guess, are not needed. Which I knew would be a possibility. Copies of the book I wrote on a "grand impulse" and told myself from the beginning that I would not be attached to whatever outcome came from it, are just there collecting dust. Reality hit again when I was told I would not be needed as a tutor...Even though, I also told myself that this was just something I was doing to serve the moment "now" and that I would not expect anything more than that from it, I find myself strangely sad that it is over. I enjoyed the experience tremendously and I do believe I offered a lot. I served. That should be reward enough and I am sure I will know that fully someday.
I am grateful for those experiences. But now that the "hope" that once added a little light in my life is gone I feel a little heavy. This thought I had at the beginning of this adventure, carried in a balloon of my own making: "Maybe the EAL will provide an external purpose for this human I call "me" in a variety of different upcoming experiences pulling me up and away from this seemingly downward trajectory, as well as provide a worthwhile service where it is needed," has popped and is floating away. The hope( and the added income) has fizzled away into reality. I am feeling a little lost. "What do I do now?"
A mind at war against itself remembers not eternal gentleness...ACIM Chapter 23.1
Even though I am fully aware of the illusive nature of "hope"...it added something to this life of challenging circumstances. It gave me a purpose and a distraction away from all the unpleasant stuff I am constantly having to deal with. Without it, I, as the "little self", feel somewhat deflated...so I turn to greater Self and ask,
"Now what? What do you want me to do with this life now?"
That job you lost wasn't a tradegy, it was the Universe's way of rerouting you, taking you back to your higher purpose... back to God. Wayne Dyer ( Totally paraphrased)
The answers will come, I know. I know...that it is the deflation of this little self that I have been asking for and praying for. Still...for some odd reason, having this tooth removed today feels like having the teacher pick on me a little more when I am already feeling down. Vanity is another small but hard lesson to master. Sigh!
The problem is we have been taught to see Life as a series of randome events-good luck and bad luck-...things that happen to us rather than for us...We have forgotten that we are not victims of circumstance but active participants in a cosmic dance where every step, every stumble, every graceful movement is a part of a larger choreography designed to help us grow...to help us remember who we really are. Wayne Dyer
I want to believe in the curriculum even if I do not understand its design. I want to trust that Life, as the teacher, knows best...that every challenging lesson...big or small...is there to help me learn and grow. I will learn that. I will.
All is well.
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