The Mind that accepts attack cannot love.
-ACIM Chapter 7: VI: 2:1
I literally heard myself, less than an hour ago, saying to my son while I literally wagged my finger in his direction. "I can't sit back and watch you do this! You(!!) need to get up and be responsible. You should know better by now: This isn't how adult life works!" I heard myself. I seen myself. I cringed but I just kept going. I felt the limitation, the imprisonment, the pressure, the projection, the blame, the guilt and the guilt shifting. I felt some sick relief from the heaviness of my own guilt. That relief did not last but a second.
I soon felt like a complete failure as I stood over him with my finger out. "What a hypocrite I am! What a terrible parent!!" I thought to myself. I watched with horror as I spouted out my toxic words. I just yesterday felt so compelled to do a video on the three words to avoid. I did exactly what I said not to do. I used all those three words and a lot more. Wow!
I did catch myself...eventually... and I sat myself down on the side of his bed. Of course having full fledged symptoms because of my emotional reaction had something to do with my need to stop. As I sat there I began to see and "feel" clearly. I knew my worry, my fear, my parental guilt and helplessness had just all come out of me in a whirlwind of emotion, like a fire ball of yuckiness I spit out of my mouth and onto him. "You take this stuff!" I was in a sense saying. "I don't want it in me. I don't want to have to deal with it. I don't want the responsibility for it. I don't like the way it makes me feel." I threw it viciously at him.
I could try to justify it by saying I had to be the parent. I had to speak to him about his behaviour. What he was doing was "wrong" and unhealthy. I had to make my point! I had to "make him see" what he was doing.
That, however, was not healthy communication. That was not Love. That, my dear friends, was a form of fear based attack!
Who did I attack? Obviously him. I also attacked myself. By trying to provide for the insatiable needs of my little "me" who sees the bodies of others as separate forms of reality, who assumes attack is everywhere and forms defenses against them, and who believes it has the right and power to control these other sinful bodily beings with "guilt"... I attacked the greater "I" . I attacked the true Self...that which I and my son are inseparable parts of.
When fear is the basis of our communication we attack and reinforce this crazy notion of how separate we are. We do not connect, resolve conflict, heal our wounds or "help" the other person. And we do not help ourselves though that seems to be our motivation at the time...to project the sting of being human outward onto someone else so we do not have to experience it. Hmm!
Our faulty belief system, devised and maintained so expertly by the ego, creates illusions upon which we act. We see our experience as human beings as something that causes pain. We see how deserving of lack, scarcity, guilt and punishment we are and we do whatever we can to diminish or eliminate that pain at ego's guidance. Often that diminishing means we have to project our pain outward onto someone else who we assume is separated from us by body borders. We attack! Or if we find some semblance of pleasure, of "sense", of light in our delusional states we may fear it will be taken from us...so we protect our illusions at all costs. We defend! When we spend all our energy, time and resources on attacking and defending that which really isn't even real...we do not do what we are here to do. Love!
I am not here to determine how my son lives his life. I am not here to fix his problems or anyone else's. My son is not mine. I think of these lovely words from Kahlil Gibran:
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you. (https://quotefancy.com/quote/848351/Khalil-Gibran-Your-children-are-not-your-children-They-are-the-sons-and-daughters-of-Life)
I am not here to determine and enforce what is right or wrong for other people. I am here to love! That's it. To teach love. To learn Love. To expand Love! What I did down there in his room this morning was not Love. It was merely self-preservation. I was attempting to protect ego.
Your thinking has done this because of its power, but your thinking can also save you from this because your power is not your making. Your ability to direct your thinking as you choose is part of its power.
-ACIM Chapter7: VI:2:5-6
In my awareness of my word choice and my behaviour I found a remarkable thing happening, My tone changed. I calmed down. I took a deep breath to think about how I was going to rephrase what I had to say. Then I said. " I love you and I am worried about you. I am concerned about your choices but this is my worry and my concern. I own it. I am challenged in my ability to cope with this in a healthy way. I am trying but as you can see I am having some difficulty. I can and I will master this but in the meantime I am concerned about what my reaction to your choices is doing to our relationship. I want you to have the healthy happy life you deserve and I feel great frustration, anger and disappointment when I see you making choices I see as unhealthy. I still tend to "react" in ways I don't want to. My frustration and my worry are not good for me, it is not good for you and I don't want to feel this way any longer. This is what I want from you....and this is what I am willing to do if you do that... These are my choices and my limits. If you continue to make the choices that you are making I am afraid I will do the following.....to protect my health, you and our relationship."
Wow! Game changer!
It didn't change him right away. I didn't get what I wanted from him right away! But it changed me! I felt lighter. I felt freer. I felt Love! I see now that he is up, making other healthier choices...his choices...for him.
I have to smile...as I see a little bit of ego slipping away.
All is well.
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