Take Me Away

 

"Calgon, take me away!"

There was a commericial for a bath product that came out in the 70's that we, as children, would often mimic. It depicted a stressed out "house wife" in various situations of distress dreaming of getting into her Calgon bubble bath and being swept away from the stress of life by her imagination. Sigh!

Those words came to mind as I was being blasted by a loved one over a potential for a water issue while we are away. She wanted me to assure her that there would be no water issues. My wide eyed, shoulders and hands up in the air nonverbal answer...did not go over very well. That was followed by a barage of "You should know...you should care...in a sense you are a landlord". 

That was followed by a "There is so much in life we have no control over. We will deal with such a problem if and when it occurs... " from a somewhat disturbed and reactive "me"

...which lead her to go on and on about how I do not care about her, how I am failing her as a parent, how she wished she had a "compassionate mother for a change,,," 

...which led to that familiar knot in my gut and the frustrated response of "Ugh!!!" as I ran my face through my hands. "I can't deal with this right now.  I am trying to have a few minutes before I get ready to go."  (Normally, I wouldn't speak those words out loud but this morning, I did.) I personally do not feel well and am not in a good head space.

That led to a shocked response from her ...a moment of pause before the familiar litany of , "You can never deal with anything about me. I am where I am at in my life, am with who I am all because you don't give me enough..." 

I don't fall into that one anymore like I used to but I did feel a little jab in the belly. I also felt the energy I need to get through this morning going down, down, and down.... "I can't do this right now luv." 

Which led to, "Do what? You are the one that picked a fight with me. You are always gaslighting me making me feel like it is my fault.  I am in pain and you don't care." Her pain body was taking over and though I know her pain is real,  I knew darn well that I could not feed it when it starts growing.  That will lead to something I just couldn't handle. So, I took a few deep breaths and said, "Not now luv." 

She stormed off thrashing and crashing her way down stairs. And here I am trying to get a few moments to myself before we leave, saying to this mysterious Calgon magic, "Take me away!" 

This is so typical of dealing with someone with her diagnosis...a daily or at least weekly occurence. The pain is real, the perceptions distorted, the reactivity so damaging to self and others. Sigh! And I am burnt out from it...As much as I love her...it is challenging to deal with that pain body all the time. Challenging not to get pulled into that heavy energy field. Whatever I did before in my pulled in state I am realizing now was not helpful...I soothed the ego but the being beneath didn't progress.  I enabled this "stuck" state we are all in. Sigh! 

A change has got to come for all our sakes...

Anyway, I share to show that I understand how challenging human relating can be...how important it is for all of us to strive for that calm center that removes all false perception of "disturbance" and a need for reactivity.

On a brighter note: D. did have pleurisy and is being treated. I will be making him do his incentive spirometer breathing all the way there so his lung stays well expanded and we avoid the possibility of an effusion followed by a collapse. I too have an antibiotic to take as well as a rushed appointment.  The tooth is coming out when I get back. So grateful!!  (Man...I hope it doesn't impact my smile too much..).I appreciate once again the level of professionalism I received and the quick response this time. My faith is restored.

Anyway, off I go to get ready. Instead of "Calgon, take me away."  I look over to D. and say, "Take me away...please, please, please...take me away!" \

All is well.